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Texas has spent the better part of the last 12 years getting sand kicked in its face and told it isn't good enough, or it isn't back, or its boosters are meanies holding down the program or that Austin is a cesspool.

You name the kind of derisive, condescending shit-talking someone in the media, or representative of another fanbase, or even writing as a UT reporter but needing to pay off gambling or IRS debts, could say about the Texas football program, and it has been said. 

This all started on the evening of January 7th, 2010, just after that dirty, impish grandmother molesting Nick Saban sacrificed what is rumored to be a live chicken and a dead rhino to Lamashtu The Eraser, in exchange for the greatest dynastic run in CFB history, beginning with the immediate demise of Texas via an early injury to its star QB and leader, Colt McCoy. 

Twelves Years a Knave is a run too long for any blue blood program to endure. It all ends this weekend, right where it started, in front of God, Country, Longhorn Nation, all of US sports media, and that dark, tiny ankle-biter himself, Nick Saban. 

"But closetojumping, Alabama is the #1 team in the country!! They’re a juggernaut!"

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Alabama is 10 feet tall and shoots lightning bolts from its arse. They're favored by 20.5 points on the road. Right.

It’s true, when you look at what Bama does on the road against non-conference opponents, it’s quite intimidating. I think we all remember the last time they went on the road into unfriendly non-SEC confines in the year … (checks notes) … 2011.

That’s right, Bama hasn’t played a legitimate non-conference game on the road since 2011. That means there are like 4 people currently involved with the program who have actually been a part of Bama going into unfamiliar territory with an overwhelmingly hostile crowd and no “gentleman’s agreement” creature comforts. In fact, in Saban’s entire 15 year tenure, Bama has gone on the road OOC exactly twice – against the mighty Duke Blue Devils in 2010 (62-13) and to Happy Valley in 2011 (27-11) while the PSU child molestation scandal was roiling under the surface within the football program.

For all of the SEC tough talk about what brutal opponents they are to the outside world, they’re a generally inward-looking and thinking collection of programs and people, and Bama is no different. Hell, the last two times they played Big 12 opponents, they didn’t exactly run them out of the buildings on neutral sites – WVU 2014 (33-23) and OU 2018 (45-34).

But, hey, maybe that is all ancient history and Alabama is lately a rolling ball of butcherknives when it comes to real road games, right? Let’s look at how largely the same team playing this weekend did in 2021. They played road games against UF (31-29), ATM (38-41), MSU (49-9), and Auburn (24-22 in quadruple OT).

The Miss State game was the week after they shit themselves on the road against ATM. The other 3 games involved a mediocre UF team going for 2 to tie it late, ATM embarrassing them for 60 minutes, and Auburn’s Tank Bigsby going out of bounds like an imbecile to giftwrap a Bama comeback to tie a game that Auburn dominated. Does Texas face the team that lost to ATM the last time they were in Texas, or the team that rolled a hapless MSU the following week?

“But CTJ, Texas lacks the talent to keep up with the Bama Machine!!??!”

For the first time in a very long time, Texas will be going up against an elite team and will not have a major talent gap at multiple positions by comparison. In fact, Texas has more starting talent than Bama at multiple positions going into this game.

1)     Bama’s OL is an untested pile of poo. They are going to gargle our collective balls after being left in a state of rubble by the “greatest OL coaching hire in college history”, Doug Marrone. Anyone who watched them against Utah State witnessed the OL struggling to get push against the USU front seven. Bama’s leading rusher in the game was Bryce Young and that isn’t a result of either Young being an amazing scrambler or Bama taking it easy with their TBs against the G5 program. Texas’ DL will face more complete OLs this season than the one they face on Saturday.

2)     Bama’s WRs and TEs should scare no one. This isn’t 2019. Bama hasn’t had this weak a group of TEs in over a decade, and that’s even if Latu plays. The WRs aren’t substantially more formidable. Burton is fine, but he’s not keeping anyone awake at night. Prentice looks good but he’s not Waddle. After that, shit gets dicey.

3)     The defensive line for Alabama isn’t up to its usual snuff. The 3 interior DL positions are manned by big bodies, but also guys that haven’t gone pro yet because they weren’t good enough to do so. By Bama standards, that should give every opponent some upside in expectations. Of course their outside guys, Anderson and Turner, are all anyone on this board wants to shit themselves over, but they’re two guys. The interior doesn’t command a double team, so energy can be focused in supporting the outside.

4)     Texas has elite talent at TB, WR, and TE. It has potentially elite talent at QB, OT, and OG. Sarkisian is one of the best offensive playcallers in football. He has the talent and depth at key positions which will enable him to create interesting match-ups even for a talented defense like Bama.

5)     Bill O’Brien is a meatheaded asshole chugger. BOB is in the process of doing what he does. He’ll continue to degrade his unit on a yearly basis until there is simply nothing left. Saban won’t allow for that, but he’s let him stay on another year after sniffing around in the market and not liking his other options. That serves to our benefit, as we should expect turtled playcalling and a general lack of creativity. For a defense still trying to find reliable footing, O’Brien is the ideal OC at a place like Bama for Texas to face.

“closetojumping, these guys are SEC! SEC! SEC! and I am not sure our stadium can handle their ferocity!?!”

The last time a “greatest team ever” from the SEC marched into the confines of DKR, Texas was a dropped touchdown pass via a gimpy and weak-willed Keontay Ingram away from ruining their plans.

As mentioned earlier, this is a program that is unused to walking into a foreign, angry fanbase 100,000+ strong and hell bent on turning the tide of 12 Years a Knave, bestowed upon us by their dark lord of a head coach in the first place. I don’t expect Bama to cringe or crumple under the pressure, but I do expect them to be at an inherent disadvantage. I also don’t expect to see many Alabama fans in attendance, simply because most of them have to work in the service industry on weekends and these tickets and Austin travel are also quite expensive for a base of largely minimum wage workers.

Also, we’re fucking due. Storied programs are forged and burnished by deliverance when the spotlight and sun burn brightest. Our time for ascension is here, goddammit, and it is long overdue time for Nick Saban and his waterheaded following of fucktards to go to hell and give the rest of college football some fucking space to breathe.

I believe the great Texas freedom fighter Davey Crockett said it best, specifically thinking about the cowering brethren he was leaving behind as he headed out when he said: “Alabama Fans and the rest of these God forsaken SEC mouthbreathers can actually all go to hell. As for us, we’re going with Texas – 34-31. “

Hook’em

 

User Feedback

Recommended Comments

Droopy

Burnt Ends
40 minutes ago, cre8ivusername said:

A Texas dub and Bill O'Brien slander? You son of a bitch... I'm in.

Take my upvote, if for nothing else, for your avatar. Would love for some of our DL to play like he and Casey did back in the day, this weekend. 🤘

Bigbend1812

Certifiably Surly
10 minutes ago, StruggleBus said:

Y'all high as fuck 

381BB8BB-2FB3-4523-A818-9DD22BF9E900.gif.4ed339b01f518c17d731fa27d67cf84f.gif

DaysOff

Certifiably Surly

I clean my gun...and dream of Galveston.

UncleBuck

Burnt Ends
14 minutes ago, StruggleBus said:

Y'all high as fuck 

Get on the cloud or the fuck out the way, Snuggles. 

Hank_Hill

Certifiably Surly
51 minutes ago, StruggleBus said:

Y'all high as fuck 

Shut up and hit this shit bitch

Deej

Burnt Ends
52 minutes ago, sith_horn said:

I won't call anyone a rube for predicting a Bama win, and a blowout at that. It all depends on a young, untested OL and a freshman QB. ULM wasn't a test. Bama has 3 elite edge rushers and a steller secondary. Hutson was not impressive in pass-pro in Game 1. Christian Jones ? .... I just haven't a clue what we'll see out of the OL.

I'm not predicting a win or a loss here. I'm simply saying the OL must hold up enough to make offense. If they can do that, there's a chance. If not, it could get as ugly as Saban wants to make it. And I haven't a clue how that shakes out until it does. We have the skill players and QB to move the ball if the OL can pull its weight.

Defense is obviously improved, but the secondary is suspect. Hopefully Jamison can block punts and pick 6 enough to make up for his poor coverage. At least as a unit, the D isn't totally befuddled, taking decent angles and swarming to the ball. Likewise, Bama appears to have some chinks in their OL an inspired DL might be able to exploit. Bryce's ability to make yards with his feet or arm is an added dimension. He's elusive.

I sure hope Banks and Sark had a talk with Worthy about return judgement. Running backwards trying to get the edge or scooping up the ball at the last moment are 1st game, true freshman mistakes that will dig a hole against P5 opponents.

too good to be true disney GIF

ATXhorn17

Full Members
(edited)

With Bama being the visitor, I assume SEC refs are officiating? If it comes down to the wire, they’ll 100% try to screw us over.

Edited by ATXhorn17

UncleBuck

Burnt Ends
6 minutes ago, ATXhorn17 said:

With Bama being the visitor, I assume SEC refs are officiating? If it comes down to the wire, they’ll 100% try to screw us over.

Not sure I trust Big 12 refs any more, tbh. 

GringoSalado

Legacy Members
10 minutes ago, ATXhorn17 said:

With Bama being the visitor, I assume SEC refs are officiating? If it comes down to the wire, they’ll 100% try to screw us over.

 

5 minutes ago, sith_horn said:

 

Can't be any worse than the screwing B12 refs regularly give us.

 

3 minutes ago, UncleBuck said:

Not sure I trust Big 12 refs any more, tbh. 

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oldhorn2

Legacy Members

fuck alabama and fuck the dumbass Alabama guy that scheduled this game. I think we win by 20.5

Askew

Full Members

Here’s how this works people:

rule 1: Refs will always favor their home conference, so SEC refs will screw us

rule 2: but the exception is big 12 refs, who will always screw us and help OU. 

rule 3: unless it’s a down year for OU in which case big 12 refs will screw us and OU.

rule 4: unless we are playing OU, in which case see rule 2. 
 

lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what have you’s

Bevo&Pevo

Burnt Ends

We win.  Whirlpools and trainer's tables have waiting lines in the Gump's locker room.  We're gonna send a message.

Tex Long

Legacy Members

Clearest message I ever saw sent was to Navy and Roger Staubach in the '64 Cotton Bowl game. Lotta talk by sports writers about how Texas was all tall skinny guys with no real strength and how Navy was going to show errbody what a real football team looked like. We literally beat the living shit out of them - I think the final was 28-7.

I was part of a big group waiting outside the locker rooms to hail the victors. The Navy guys coming out of their side, wow, not a one of 'em didn't have split lip, busted nose, black eye.

Message sent, message received.

Let's do that again.

jw4381

Certifiably Surly
21 hours ago, LTtxfan said:

 HEY BAMA....

 

Jenn-Loss.jpg

Left tittie hangs low. Wnb. 

conVINCEd

Legacy Members
Just now, jw4381 said:

Left tittie hangs low. Wnb. 

I’m willing to do a little research into this matter to see if your hypothesis is correct.

South Austin

Certifiably Surly
37 minutes ago, kingkoopa6 said:

tiktok-tik.gif

What is she doing, trying to induce labor?

gmr548

Legacy Members
With Bama being the visitor, I assume SEC refs are officiating? If it comes down to the wire, they’ll 100% try to screw us over.

I would rather pluck Bama fans from the stands to officiate than have Big 12 refs

Sgt Hulk

Legacy Members

Stop my penis can only be so erect 

DanTheHorn

Burnt Ends
8 hours ago, dieucla98 said:

Jordan is on board. Fuck them brakes.

 

He must post here. That was just another way of saying show me a loss.

LTtxfan

Legacy Members
6 hours ago, StruggleBus said:

Y'all high as fuck 

 

giphy.gif

The Original Greaser Bob

Certifiably Surly

My only beef is that Davy Crockett was found by the Mexicans cowering under a bed at the Alamo. 

But other than that, I like the OP analysis.

utee94

Legacy Members
3 hours ago, Bevo&Pevo said:

We win.  Whirlpools and trainer's tables have waiting lines in the Gump's locker room.  We're gonna send a message.

In the Gumps' non-airconditioned locker room, let's not forget.

SA-KC_Horn

Legacy Members
12 hours ago, closetojumping said:

I've enjoyed all of the comments. I've said it often, but I don't know whether I am more entertained when people get the jokes, or when they don't. Some of the younger/newer posters misreading some of this has made me laugh.

Anyway, one thing that is fucking absurd to me, albeit predictable, is how absolutely slanted the outlook for this game is from the commentators all day long on XM 84. The primary point when this game is discussed so far this week is "can Texas keep this close in the first half?" I get that Bama is viewed as the chalk pick to win it all, but just the general assumption that Texas is going to get outright blown out at home, like not even in a shit-talking or condescending way, just presumptively, is pretty awesome. Maybe that happens and they're justified, but I don't see it. 

Bruh.....majority of the media still see Texas as the "Texas teams" from the ou vs. Mack years, were we simply were folded up like a lawn chair before halftime. 

Last year's pig game just rekindled those memories. 

markstanco

Legacy Members
In the Gumps' non-airconditioned locker room, let's not forget.

It’s going to be 95 Saturday. The non air conditioned locker rooms for Alabama with no air flow will be well above 85 game time. It will be an absolute sauna in there. This doesn’t bode well for them. Lsu should have told them to cancel because of the lack of AC units installed and working in the visitor locker rooms.

ChickenNuggets

Full Members
1 hour ago, The Original Greaser Bob said:

My only beef is that Davy Crockett was found by the Mexicans cowering under a bed at the Alamo. 

But other than that, I like the OP analysis.

go look for your bicycle in the basement peewee...

Hagbard Celine

Legacy Members
On 9/6/2022 at 6:29 PM, AnTiM said:

27-25 sounds doable to me.

er.

ma.

gherd.

the brazos valley might split open and sink in to the asthenosphere

hookemATL

Legacy Members

Margs with breakfast

take large dose edible

walk into DKR

hit one hitter in bathroom

chug an overpriced beer 5 mins before kickoff

mudhole the sisterfucking buttdumplings

leave dkr on a cloud of elation with a problematic erection

smoke more weed

watch aggy lose to app st

Pretty nice little Saturday  

will ferrell frank the tank GIF

 

 

XForce

Full Members

I have hope, albeit it slight hope.

-a&m beat them with a QB that can't start at Auburn

-11am sucks, but it's 10am to them. We've sucked bad enough that we've played more games then they have in this time slot

-Patterson is the x factor. If all he was brought in to do was come up with game plans for Bama, OU, and Baylor then it's money well spent. 

-Texas had no business playing LSU as close as they did in 2019 but they did. We were told that the LSU defense was a strong point and it wasn't. Hoping the Bama defense has a shit game. Our roster today is better than that roster, does Ewers have enough moxy? 

 

I'm talking myself into Texas covering the spread in one of two ways. 1)being able to stay with them or 2)getting beaten soundly enough that Bama has to call the dogs off and Texas backdoor covers. 

I just can't see Texas losing by 20 unless Card has to come in. 

TexasPride10

Legacy Members
4 minutes ago, XForce said:

 

-11am sucks, but it's 10am to them. 

 

Uhhh, what? 

Vertigo

Full Members
18 hours ago, Tex Long said:

Clearest message I ever saw sent was to Navy and Roger Staubach in the '64 Cotton Bowl game. Lotta talk by sports writers about how Texas was all tall skinny guys with no real strength and how Navy was going to show errbody what a real football team looked like. We literally beat the living shit out of them - I think the final was 28-7.

I was part of a big group waiting outside the locker rooms to hail the victors. The Navy guys coming out of their side, wow, not a one of 'em didn't have split lip, busted nose, black eye.

Message sent, message received.

Let's do that again.

style-dude.gif

gmr548

Legacy Members

Someone took geography at Alabama

Tex Long

Legacy Members
5 minutes ago, TexasPride10 said:

Uhhh, what? 

Forget it. He's rollin'. Dot JPG.

XForce

Full Members
7 minutes ago, TexasPride10 said:

Uhhh, what? 

Yeah, hurts to miss that one. I guess I can take that one off of reasons why Texas might have a chance. 

Wally Pryor

Legacy Members
20 hours ago, kingkoopa6 said:

tiktok-tik.gif

 

Where's Gia?

Tex Long

Legacy Members
(edited)
1 hour ago, Wally Pryor said:

 

Where's Gia?

Y'all acting like never seen a signer before. She's telling you that Patterson's also had some advice for Marion. Expect Bijan and Rojo in the 2 RB same side setting. 

 

 

 

Edited by Tex Long
Cant tipe gud

conVINCEd

Legacy Members
1 hour ago, Wally Pryor said:

 

Where's Gia?

Monkey reform school

Texasrocks

Legacy Members

BoB gets a lot of well-earned shit, but Pete Golding isn't exactly the second coming of Buddy Ryan. I recall Bama fans hoping he'd leave with Sark. Bama has more talent and much more experience so they may outplay us. I'd be shocked if they out-coach us.

MAUFRAIS

Certifiably Surly

Except for that one guy.

CurlyDumps

Legacy Members

That was really good analysis. Much more predictive than guys like Burton, Ian Boyd, and Justin Wells who all picked Bama to win like 50 to 7.

bernorange

Legacy Members

Ewers stays healthy, Texas just might have won by 20.5.  Alabama played like warm dog shit.

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