My ex-wife finally killed herself on New Years Day. Shot herself in the head with the police knocking on her door. Help was leterally right there. I was with her about 15 years all together. When we dated she had me promise that I'd never have her committed. Odd request, but sure. In those says she had a temper that should have sent me running, but she was also sweet, funny, and generally good to me. That was at a point in my life where I was getting pretty heavy into some nasty drugs and I have to say she probably saved my life at that point. I cleaned up, when back to school and married her. We were both 21. The real depression, the severe kind, didn't start until our 2nd daughter came. She would tell me what she was going through but I didn't really understand it; I dont think we talked about this kinda stuff as a society in those days. She always wanted to be alone and would lock herself in her room and just read. I'd be left to care for the kids. In fact, anytime I left the house to do anything she always wanted me to take the kids. I always did. I'm super close with them to this day, they are grown women with careers and families of their own now, and I credit all the time I spent with them as children as the reason why we are still so close. I wanna add here that she absolute loved the kids. They were probably the only thing that kept her going. She would spoil them silly despite my objections. She just didn't always have it in her to actually deal with them; cook dinner, do homework, bath them, etc. She did when she could, but often she couldnt. Finally she was diagnosed and we went through the mill of finding the right meds at the right doses, etc. Things would get OK for A few months, then they'd get bad again. Sometime around tjen she added alchohol to the locked up in her room time. Cheap vodka and cranberry juice. From there through the rest of her life she would be a severe alcoholic, and a mean drunk. A few years later her doctor wanted her to give through electro-shock therapy. I didn't like the idea, but she was convinced it was the only thing that would help her. I dont know how many sessions we did. Maybe 4 or 8 over a couple months. I think they helped temporarily, but they wiped so many memories from her mind. It was sad. I met a lot of other people living on my side of depression in that waiting room, people with really sad stories. I've always regretted that I didn't talk her out of doing that. For years she would threaten to leave me, and take the kids. It was my biggest fear. She used the girls like a weapon against me their whole lives. By the time the youngest was a pre-teen she was as bad as she'd ever been, but by now blaming me for all her issues. One night I came home from dinner with my cousin to find all my belongings on the porch. She was convinced i was cheating on her. I never cheated on her. This time when she threatened to leave I called her bluff and said go. That led to our divorce. I didn't fight for full custody of the kids as I knew that would kill her. At that point they were self sufficient enough I figured. After the divorce and up until the last couple years she was as a complete total bitch to me. She wouldn't do anything shen wasnt required to in the divorce decree. If it was my weekend with the kids I'd better come get them because the decree didn't say she had to drive them anywhere to see me. She called the management at my employer and tried to get me and my whole group fired once for spite, knowing full well I wouldn't be able to pay her child support if I was unemployed. She tried several times to sabotage my relationship when I remarried a few years later. By the time the youngest was in college she had lost all of her leverage. The girls were grown, she had stopped talking to her father because he brought up her drinking problem. She had alienated herself from her siblings. Her mother, who she had an on again off again relationship with, died. Even some guy that rented her spare bedroom and was a good friend, I never met him but the girls liked him, left because of the drinking. By this point she was pretty isolated I think. She did manage to hold onto the same job doing web development for the last 10 years of her life. The girls started bringing her to my parents house for holiday events. I was kinda against it, but they said they couldn't leave her all alone on Christmas and the only other alternative was for the 2 of them to sit there with her all day. So I went with it, and tried to be polite when she was here. In fact, I kinda felt sorry for her. Half my family can't tolerate her knowing the shit she pulled over the years, but she'd rather spend Christmas with a bunch of people who couldnt stand her than be by herself. In retrospect, I'm very grateful for the people in my family, my mother included, who were big enough to overlook the past and try to make her feel welcomed. The last couple years she tried to be nicer. Even offered to split the cost of something with me last year. 2 days before she killed herself she was at my Moms house for a party. My second wife, who I'm also now divorced from but managed a good friendship with, was also there. I look up at one point and they were sitting at the same table talking. It was surreal, I even texted a about it to a few friends. "I'm sitting here in my Momma's house looking at both my ex-wives talking to each other." That was Sunday the 30th. I thought I was in bizarro world Half time of the Sugar Bowl I get a call from my Son in Law, I thought he was calling about the game. "Debbie has killed herself. I just left the scene. The girls dont know yet." So I let him go home to tell my oldest and I had to call the youngest. That was a hard call to make. I'll never forget hearing her yell and cry into the phone. God they miss their Mom. All the terrible things she did, and they were not immune to the terrible things - in fact they probably suffered the worst of it, they always loved their her and new the good side of her better than anybody. The sweet side, the thoughtful side, the funny side. Its weird because though they miss her and always will, they are both relieved that she finally is at peace. People tell me they are sorry for what happened, and I always say to be sorry for the girls - she was a total bitch to me. Honestly though, as the days go by I remember the good things about our life together and it makes me sad. Sad that she suffered with all that for so long. Sad that she finally lost the struggle. Both the girls have told me that they always knew this day would come. I didn't know it, but my Son in Law said they had sent the police on welfare checks several times before. The officer had told him on the phone they were going to take her in this time for a psychological evaluation so that they would have grounds to take her gun away; despite the long battle with mental health issues, they couldnt take her gun since all her treatments had been voluntary. My youngest daughter told me of an event a year ago where she literally had to wrestle the pistol away from her mother. So I keep asking myself what was going through her head when she finally pulled the trigger. The girls showed me all her text from her last day or so and she seemed to be doing good. Making New Years resolutions, asking about shopping, movies she's watching, etc. Its about an hour or two before she went that it gets kinda odd. "I love you both." "I know you've both done your best". It was a voicemail she left my SiL asking him to send the police to her house in the morning and not to let the girls into her house for any reason that led him to call the cops and head to her house that night. I just keep wondering if somehow she knew they were going to commit her that night, her biggest fear since I knew her, that caused her to finally do it. The hardest part is the finality of it. If she could have got through the night everything would be fine in the morning, it always was. She literally had help knocking on her door. The police heard the shot, then stormed in through the back door but it was too late. This is selfish, but I suddenly feel a lot of pressure as the girls only living parent. It's hard to explain that feeling, but it's pretty heavy. The outpouring of love and support for the girls was touching. For a woman who had alienated herself from everybody, she sure packed the memorial service. I knew everybody was there for the girls sake and it was a nice service. Her Dad and siblings made it, people she hadn't spoken to for years. One silver lining is that the girls told me they have been communicating with the grandfather they never really knew and learning a lot. They learned, I didn't know this, that her grandfather and a uncle had also killed themselves, so she's the 3rd. So maybe he'll get a chance to know the great-grandchild I doubt he even knew existed. I introduced her to him at the service, he was always nice to me so many years ago. I hope it was ok to post this tragedy in this thread. I wanted to share it, if only for my own sake, and didn't want to start a new thread. This one seemed like the best fit. I'll add, about 9 months ago I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. Enough so that the Dr put me on an anti-depressant of my own. Even after going through all those years with my ex, I had no idea just how debilitating it could be. I get a strong sense of crippling fear of impending doom even as I tell myself everything is great; in fact I'm one of the luckiest guys alive. My jobs going well, I have good friends, both my kids are kicking life's ass, I have a little savings in the bank, etc. So why do I feel like I'm about to drop all the tennis balls and be homeless in the street tomorrow? Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with everybody and your struggles. Please hang in there. It will be better tomorrow.