this is going to be a fun next few weeks of reminiscing
one year ago today, I started my last "no, I got this" attempt at sobering up-- I'll go to your meetings, I'll talk about the steps with my sponsor, but I'm going to do it while remaining a resentful fearful basket case. My periods of sobriety were getting shorter and shorter, the relapses becoming more frequent, and they epitomized the "bellyful of whiskey and headful of AA" misery because there wasn't a single second of fun left in the drinking.
And even worse, there was progressively less escape in it. I couldn't get drunk enough to not be aware of how bad off I was, how I was edging closer and closer to losing everything, how much pain I was causing. It wasn't for lack of trying though.
So a year ago today, I popped a couple of benzos and white-knuckled my way through my first day back from a 24x7, ten-day bender. I was sure I'd stay sober, this time. I was always sure "this time".