Go in any sports bar in the Northeast and the SEC Network is on. I have several friend[sic] [every one of these friends is quite fond of him and hate tu!] from New England [and they always ask why tu didn't go with A&M to the SEC].
Shall we set the scene? A sports bar in New England. Several real yankees watch hockey on the TVs. An icy whoosh of wind sweeps through as a man totally clad in A&M™ clothing from cap to parka to sweat pants to socks steps into the doorway and keeps it open as he surveys the place as though he owns it.
Brigid (from pool table): Close the fucking dahr, ya moron. It's wicked cold.
Ag: Not if you're wearing Yeti's new fiber-fill $5,000 Aggie Parka from Texas where I'm from.
Brigid: Close the dahr, or I'll pull off ya tiny penis and shove it in your eye!
The Ag, laughing as though Brigid was kidding, lets the door close.
Yankee 1 watches the hockey with Yankee 2. They frown at each other.
Yankee 1 (to bartender): Put the old analog in back on the SEC channel. Maybe the yokel will go back there and leave us alone.
Bartender digs through a drawer to remove a gigantic, ancient remote which he points at a dusty Zenith near the toilet. It comes to life with an elephant-eared baldly leering at us through glasses.
Yankees 1 & 2 jostle as the Ag squeezes in between them with a thumbs-up. See you boys are watching the SEC. Whoop!
Yankee 2: We can't get enough of the seck. Watch it ahll day. We like scrawny elephant men talking to guys named Boogah.
Yankee 1: Aftah you pay fah that beah of mine you just spilled with that purple blimp ya wearin, maybe you'll tell us again about how you hate that college you didn't go to.
Yankee 2: UT isn't it?
Irony-dear Ag laughs: It's maroon! Nice to be here with some regular heterosexual guys like myself who get it. It's tee ewe, you'll catch on.
Yankee 1: What's the difference?
Ag: Big difference. We have a tradition...
Both Yankees slap their foreheads. Ag is oblivious.
Ag: ...you see they call themselves the University of Texas, but we say that they're just a Texas university.
Yankees lean forward to look around the dirigible Yeti coat. They squint.
Yankee 1: That's a difference? The University of Texas isn't a Texas university?
Ag laughs: We're the university of Texas, they're just a Texas university.
Yankee 2 scratches head: So you went to the University of Texas.
Yankee 1: Which we hear is actually a good school.
Ag gets ruffled: No! I'm a Texas Aggie!
More head scratching and squinting.
Ag: Texas A&M University Fighting Texas Aggies
Brigid: I'm comin' ovah theah to pull that cawk of yours clean off if ya don't lowah that irritatin' voice!
Ag smiles and winks as though she jokes.
Yankee 1: Rolls right off the tongue. I think you need to add some more Texases to that name.
Yankee 2: Absolutely. So when do you play the University of Texas that's, ironically, just a Texas university?
Yankee 1: Yeah. You really hate those guys. I bet the game is a pissah every year.
Brigid: He's the pissah! Loud mouth Texan.
Ag: We don't play them. We went to the SEC where we have bigger fish to fry. It's the best conference in the world!
Yankee 1: You're a Texas university
Ag: We're thee university of Texas!
Yankee 1: Whatevah. You're A&M. You hate UT- wait! Tee Ewe. You hate TU, but you ran off to the SEC without 'em?
Ag: We didn't run off, we chose to leave.
Yankee 2: Interesting distinction there, cowboy.
Yankee 1: And they didn't "choose" to follow? So they chickened out!
Ag: They chickened out, but we moved away. You guys finally get it!
Yankees peer around the Yeti parade float and squint again. They shake their heads.
Yankee 1 to Yankee 2: I can't imagine why UT didn't follow a bunch of tossers like you to the SEC.
Ag: People often ask that question. I'm sure a tosser is a fun local nickname.
Brigid: Get out!
Ag stands, brings his hands together over his head and hooks a foot behind the opposite calf: WHOOP! See you guys!
Ag struts across the floor and squeezes his hot-air balloon-sized self out the door.
Yankee 1 looks back to hockey game: Geez we missed a goal!
Yankee 2: Fawk! Turn the analog back off. I see the word Booger on screen one more time, I'll puke.