Now that I'm at a computer and have time, I'll share my testimony. First... sober since April 27, 2015.
I was raised in a non-denominational, very legalistic church. That church has since exposed their own love of legalism, repented, and fallen on God's Grace. Doesn't mean the congregation doesn't still struggle, but their old legalistic ways have been brought to light. I went to church 3x per week and it was force fed. I had many "come to Jesus" moments, but my first true experience of God revealing himself to me was at the age of 19. I felt like I accepted Christ's salvation at that point, but I strayed and lived my own life. I left the Word, and joined the world. I struggled and teetered with "believer" and "agnostic." Never an unbeliever, but definitely questioned. I struggle with control, and I've never wanted to give up full control. Admitting my struggle with alcohol was hard enough, but not enough to bring me to the God/Christ of the Bible. I was very selfish in my marriage for 12 years (we just celebrated 12 years in July). Honestly, my wife and I struggle very much with our own selfishness and self-serving in our marriage, as I'm sure all couples do. Well, here is where God decided to say enough is enough, and lead me to him...
Last fall (2019) I decided to join a group of guys in a Bible study. Very hesitant, and was there more for the fellowship than anything else. Last October I bought my first devotional book, and remember texting the group... "I can't believe I just bought this... here we go." God worked on my heart for months, slowly building a full on revelation of Himself to me. In April my wife and I had a big blow up, I left the house for a few days, and it lead to a lot of introspection, and God said... "Get your head out of your butt and start changing your ways." At that point, I decided to start working on our marriage, and my selfishness. 12 years of this crap, so my wife is/was very hesitant. Lots of back and forth and pushback from my wife, regardless of my efforts. "Is there anyone else?" I would ask countless times. "NO!" is the response I got every time. Nose to the ground, I kept working, kept reading, kept my fellowship, and God kept bringing me closer to him. And then...
July 4th we're at my BIL's lake cottage for a few days. I was hesitant to go, b/c I did not feel my wife really wanted me there. I felt like she wanted me there to save her own face, and didn't want to explain to people of a failing marriage, and wanted me there for my own pleasure, rather than the pleasure and company of each other (if that makes sense). I obviously decided to go, and things were going "decent," and there was a little bit of connection. On July 4 in the afternoon, I decide to walk to the house to go to the bathroom, check my phone, while my wife was at the lake about 100 yards away. I had zero intentions of checking her phone when I went up there, but something lead me to do it. I checked her messages, and nothing. You're an idiot, ETB... wait, let's just check Instagram for the heck of it. What's this?... a message from her pastor. I read through the message, and I see some I love you's. My naivety and my trust won't let me believe it is anything other than a pastor reaching out to his flock... "I love you in Christ." Then I see some "Baby's" in the message. Then I go back to about a week before the lake, and she says to this guy, "Oh my gosh, he said he's coming to the lake on 4th of July. I don't want him there." To which he responded something to the effect, "It's OK. Maybe you won't have to be around each other much. I wish I could just squeeze you and snuggle you." At that point, I lost it. I confronted her sister in law (brother's wife) and she knew nothing and was appalled. I called for my wife and confronted her. I was 8 hours from home, and I should have just taken off and left, but I didn't. God said, "Run to ME!" That is all I wanted to do. I wanted to pick up the Bible, I wanted to pray, and I had no idea why. Was scaring the heck out of me, b/c that wasn't "me."
I'm not going to get into the repentance and reconciliation process that is frustrating me to no end, but I will say that it has been repeated over and over again that there was never anything physical, and that this was purely an emotional affair. My own insecurities give me doubt. My wife said that from start to finish, this probably lasted 6-8 months, which lead me to back track and apply it to my own experience, and please take joy in this revelation. This is my take on it...
October - perhaps this is when this "friendship" started, when they started giving things to each other that belonged to their respective spouses. God starts his work on me, and I purchase my first devotional book. Had this affair been brought to light, we would be divorced, and I would not have God in my life on my own accord.
April - perhaps this is when the "friendship" crossed the line into "I love you." Wife and I have a blow up. She said she wanted to tell me of the affair then, but did not. God turned it up a notch, and said, "Work on yourself and your marriage. Get your head out of your butt." Had I learned of the affair then, I would not have been able to stay with my wife. I was not strong enough. Probably divorce, or a firm separation.
July - this is when everything was revealed. God finally said, "ETB, you're ready. I have prepared you to deal with this, and to bring Me glory through this. Here you go. Here is what is happening." God waited until I was ready to repair my marriage for His glory before He revealed it to me. He put my wife through this for a reason as well, but I'm still not sure why. She has not fully repented, and is still burying things, but I have to continue to pray that God will not only work on my own heart, but on hers as well.
I am drawing closer to Him daily, and our marriage is at a very slow rebuild. I have more to share, but it is a different problem, so I will save for another post. To God be the glory!