@Celery Mancongrats!
Quoting myself to reflect on how my program got me through COVID, panic attacks, and fear. 40 days post 1st Covid symptoms.
Can't remember if I've mentioned this but back in 2004 before I had any clue that I was alcoholic I had a serious heart problem (ended up with a pacemaker), spent a few weeks in the heart hospital, then went nuts and spent a few weekends in the looney bin, had to take FMLA for a few months, and actually made a half assed suicide attempt. Doctors said "oops your not ADD, no more Adderall for you, you're now Bipolar, here is some lithium and other pills for that." This was the first time in my life (I was 32 then) that I experienced the sheer terror of anxiety attacks. I remember being obsessed for a few days about how I was going to just end it all, and leave behind a wife, a 12 year old, and a 4 year old. Anyway, got straightened out and put on the rails for about 5 years before I started new and interesting ways to reach my alcoholic bottom.
When I (and my doctors) discovered in 2011 I was just a garden variety alcoholic and I sobered up, I've often thought back to 2004 and that week of inexplicable anxiety and terror, and how fucking real it all felt, and how in the context of my life that week was an outlier, just sheer insanity.
So a few weeks ago I reached a new understanding of powerlessness - New job with percieved huge expectations, covid and can't work, manditory hurricane evac order, took the dogs and wife and went and lived with a buddy in Leander for a week - I started having anxiety attacks and yes, had a few very fleeting thoughts similar to the ones in 2004 about pulling the plug. Most of my fears center on financial disaster/bankruptcy. What if I never recovered from Covid, what if the virus attacked my brain and made me disabled and I couldn't work? I got obligations and an image, man! Character defects just exploding.
Ah, but this time I've got a spiritual program - I had a period of 3 days when I was having panic attacks, but now I could chuckle at myself and pray and know that this too shall pass - and it did. Didn't sleep for a few nights - and of course insomnia is listed as a Covid side effect.
Stayed in touch with my sponsor, grand sponsor, sponsees, went to a ton of meetings online, basically just stopped thinking and did what I was taught to do. Even came here and posted "this just sucks"
Most of all, I prayed more than I ever prayed before. I'm NOT one of those alcoholics that does this daily even though it's been recommended that I do. OK God, you got my attention.
Debated sharing this with you guys because I hate admitting weakness, I'm a man, I'm 40, but I gave an abbreviated account in the OCD/Depression thread and wanted to elaborate in the context of 12 step recovery.
So today is day 40, I'd say I'm 95% strength. Looking back, I'm grateful for the shitty August because my program and faith were strengthened.