It’s January 7, 2010, 11:30 left in the 1st quarter. Texas is driving and in a moment of delirious joy, I awkwardly jump up in my living room, fall, and smack my head on the end-table. I then fall into a 12-year coma.
Upon awakening, I immediately check on my beloved Longhorn message board, Shaggybevo. I’m met with a single lunatic posting to himself and a startling amount of scat porn.
Once I finish and clean up, I finally find my new Surly home to learn about the wonderful sports decade that I missed. We’re on our third coach since that moment? Colt went down? We keep losing to Kansas?
In disgust, I turn away from the football board to see what’s going on in the world. Surely we’ve emerged from the economic catastrophe and are enjoying a golden era.
I see several threads about a strange, deadly disease, a thread about war with Russia and a new Hitler, and two threads about the coming nuclear holocaust.
I call my parents, only to find out that they’ve been brainwashed by some website that used to be for college students to creep on each other’s drunken pictures. The moon is a spaceship? Bill Gates is trying to murder us all to save us from the nuclear holocaust?
Surely this is some fever dream and I’m still in that coma.