How the fuck is it that we're 6 days from legitimate college football and not one of you miscreants has posted a thread on the matter? Christ.
For those who are oblivious, and from reading other sites, admittedly dumber than this one, this needs to be said, Week Zero is the first week of CFB and usually features nothing but a bunch of sad also-ran teams rubbing bellies against one another. Well, sad news, this year is no different. There are 11 games on Saturday. 7 of them involve match-ups between FBS teams.
Anyway, fuck it, here are my thoughts:
Austin Peay @ Western Kentucky: I legitimately cannot feign knowing a gosh damned thing about either one of these teams outside of the fact that the younger Helton brother is the HC at WKU and he replaced his shit-hot OC that is now at Tech with a descendant of Fatty Arbuckle. So, yeah, give me WKU over AP, 41-7.
Nebraska v. Northwestern in Dublin, IRE: Game of the week, right here. First of all, the game is in Ireland. I've seen people scratch their heads to this or show outright disdain for it. I think it is awesome. I've been to Ireland 5 times and I have never not had a great fucking time there. The concept of alcoholism has yet to make it to their shoreline, and the stereotypes exist for a reason, which the fucking Irish don't seem to give a damn about anyway. They love America and Americans, in my experience, and they think American Football is akin to one of the sports endemic to their country, I forget the name of it, so it's not a bad mash-up. I'd love it if Texas opened against Notre Dame there one year.
As to the game, Scott Frost showed up to Week Zero last year, pulled his pants down at the 50 yard line, and mooned a national audience by not even being competitive with Illinois and the Fat Fucking Retard (ht to one of the old school Shaggy posters for one of my favorite threat titles ever, whichever one of you it was). Remember when Nebraska was getting top 10 odds for winning the CFP heading into the season a few years ago because ... Scott Frost. Yeah. I'll tell you what, the seat couldn't get any hotter for this guy if Lawrence Phillips were warming it with his own lava from the depths of hell. Northwestern is a Jeckyl and Hyde program, and last year was whatever the bad version of those 2 personality sides is. I expect Fitzgerald to have his team ready and to play Nebraska tight. I will be openly rooting against Casey Thompson and Marcus Washington in this one. Give me NW over UNL, 23-21.
Idaho State @ UNLV: This shit is worse than WKU/Austin Peay. Without googling it, can anyone here name the Head Coach of UNLV? I'll give you a hint, he's 2-16 and has no Texas ties in his coaching history whatsoever. The HC at Idaho State was a rodeo clown before taking the part time role of HC'ing the Idaho State ... (checks notes) ... Bengals. UNLV over IDU, 28-2.
Connecticut @ Utah State: Sadly, this qualifies are one of the weekend's FBS vs FBS battles. Connecticut lost to Holy Cross and UMass last year while going on to a 1-11 record. I'll be honest, I didn't realize that Geno Auriemma had crossed over as a late career experiment and was coaching their FB team this season. They might actually win this one. Not really. Utah State is a good program and they have a good coach, Blake Anderson. The story about him and his kids losing their wife/mom to cancer while he was at Arky State stays with me. Anyway, this game is worth watching if you've got the time, as Utah State goes to Bama the following week, and then Bama comes to Austin. Utah State had a strong season last year, so maybe they force Bama to show us something. Give me Utah State over UConn, 48-13.
Wyoming @ Illinois: Wyoming was a weird team last year. They had some dominating wins against good to decent teams, and then they shit themselves against teams like New Mexico and Hawaii. Wyoming returns 10 starters total, and no one important on offense. They're staring down the barrel of an ugly season. That ugly season kicks off against the Fat Fucking Retard himself, Bret Bielema. Illinois also only returns 10 starters, but they had an influx of transfers, including Tommy Devito (Syracuse) at QB. FFR will have a good OL in place. I expect Illinois to win this battle of mehs, 27-17.
Duquesne @ Florida State: Duquesne is no Jacksonville State. I don't know shit about them, but they play in a conference that includes Central Connecticut and Quinnipiac. They cannot be capable of winning against an FBS team, right? Anyway, every Seven Loss Steve apologist's favorite punching bag as a fail safe comparison, Mike Norvell and FSU, will continue to be improved as a program this year. And yes, they improved as the season went on last year, closing the season out 5-3 with their losses coming in close games with Clemson, NCSU, and rival UF. They should have beaten UF and choked it. But Norvell is a good coach and Jimbo Fisher and Willie Taggart did the guy no favors. FSU returns 7 offensive starters, including a solid Jordan Travis at QB, and landed transfer Mycah Pittman at WR. The defense landed Jared Verse and returns 6 other starters. I expect FSU to go 8-5/9-4 this season, comfortably. It won't shock me if they beat LSU in Week One in NOLA. FSU rolls here, 56-7.
North Texas @ UTEP: Seth Littrell is a shit head okie and an easy guy to root against. I wish him and the Mean Green much failure while he's there. Disturbingly, he seems like a decent coach and he's taken them bowling 5 out of 6 seasons, losing all 5, and doing so TWICE! when they had losing records going into the bowl game. UNT returns a solid QB and plenty of other starters. Dana Dimel is neither dead nor is he Canadian, which surprised me. And he apparently took UTEP bowling last year. I wonder if this guy is still fucking coeds on pool tables in the on-campus bar? Not a bad gig if you can get it, I guess. This should be one of the better games of the week with UTEP also returning plenty and playing at home. Gimme UTEP 21, UNT 17.
Nevada @ NMSU: Mike Norvell turned Nevada into a respectable program and then split for an upgrade to ... Colorado State? Okay. The good news is that the Wolfpack is now coached by one of the easiest shitbags in CFB to despise, Kevin Wilson. Fittingly, Nevada returns only 7 players, one of whom is the kicker. Kevin Wilson immediately declared them a "championship calibre" team following the spring, pulling a page directly out of mentor Bob Stoops' playbook for media management. New Mexico State hired a guy to be HC who is guaranteed to become incapacitated for no less than 3 games this season in Jerry Kill. I don't know what in the fuck that program is doing existing and I've seen them picked to finish last out of 131 teams in FBS this season by multiple prognosticators. I'm actually surprised ATM failed to get them on the schedule. Nevada goes nuts on the road by beating up a special needs person, 45-0.
Vanderbilt @ Hawaii: Nice end to the first day of CFB here. Vanderbilt has regressed to their historical mean under the square-jawed Clark Lea. Vanderbilt opened last year with a blowout loss to fierce rival East or West Tennessee State. Their two wins came against Colorado State and a hapless UConn. SEC SEC SEC. Todd Graham did what he does at Hawaii and made them semi-respectable again while also being a hateable piece of shit who ended up pulling the bookshelf on top of himself to end his tenure there. They had a state senate hearing to discuss this guy at one point, meanwhile his son transferred away from his program while he ran it - Jesus. Tommy Chang has taken over and he's going to need time. Hawaii lost a bunch to transfers and will not be good this year. I still assume Hawaii has enough with the travel and general shittiness of Vandy though, so Hawaii 24, Vandy 10.
Okay, that was a lot. I got bored waiting on some stuff, and dug in. TL;DR? GFY. Beyond that, all thoughts are welcome.