Growing up through Jr. High and high school was probably pretty similar. Not fat, but on the edge. I graduated from High School at 6'1" 185. That's skinny for a full grown adult but probably 30 pounds heavier than many/most high school kids at graduation. Played golf. Made it to state (old AAA classification), was fairly active in that sense.
College- put on the freshman 15- hit 200- would never get back under that number
Law School- 225 or 230. Did a summer with the Army jag core with heavy exercise and decent eating and was probably the smallest in my adult life. 220 pounds or so that summer.
Got married. Had a miserable relationship. Ate. Lots and lots. Did nothing. Drank. Quit smoking and dipping (more or less) b/c she made me. Ate some more. Hit 300 or so by the time I was 26 or 27. Got divorced. Ate a little less but not a lot less. I would stay there until now- with yoyo's up and down where I'd do really well for 3 months and get down to 260 or 250 (once got as low as 244) and then lose motivation, self destruct and end up back at 300. But really it would be 305. Then after the next cycle it was 310. Then 315. Finally- after this last time it was 320. Always had good numbers though. Hiked 5 miles with my kids when they wanted to. Swim for hours at a time in the ocean. Didn't stop me from doing stuff but it took a ton of effort to get it done, and obviously looked like a fat sack of shit while doing it out there.
Lately, my numbers suck, my blood pressure is up, anxiety is high, I've been having shortness of beath and then, the insomnia. I have a wife who I dearly love, 3 kids 12 and under- and I didn't want to leave them alone. So, decided to get this done. Had a really rough existential crisis for 2 months while I tortured through this decision.
What if it doesn't work? What if it works really well and now all of a sudden I'm a different person and my wife and I grow apart? What if I can't keep dime pieces from throwing themselves at me? What if I hit my ideal weight and then die of a car crash- what a waste that would be? Just all sorts of stuff, both trivial and important. But, food was my addiction. Just like the people in the Alcoholics thread (which I've read a ton of and really really relate to. I couldn't (and quite likely still can't) image life being enjoyable without the ability to watch a UT game while housing a large Papa Johns and drinking a 12 pack of Meeeeler Lite. Or hanging out on the backporch with my wife until 2 in the morning while crushing a pack of Marlboro Lights and drinking 15 OZ of scotch. It's not that I do those things all the time- it's just I can't imagine a life where I'm not physically able to do those things. And that took a long time to wrap my mind around before I decided to have the surgery. But, I can tell you it wasn't easy and it scared (and still does) me to death.
This kind of surgery is funny. Everyone has an opinion on it when you tell them you are going to do it. Or knows someone that did it. I think the thoughts range somewhere from, wow- that's awful courageous- I can't imagine making that kind of commitment, to what a coward- why can't he just exercise a little self control and push himself away from the table?
The thing is - after living in this body for 44 years I don't know the answer to that question. I wish I did, but it's just something that feels like it's beyond me. I feel like I have a compulsion to eat until I'm full. Why Is that? I personally think it's a spiritual battle with me but I don't want to go into that at this point in time right now b/c it's not likely productive. All I know is that when I have cheating dreams it's not about a movie star or my secretary it's about a large pizza. You could trust me with the keys to Fort Knox and I wouldn't take a cent. Scarlett J could hit on me and I'd laugh at her b/c I love my wife and have no interest. You make a ribeye, mashed potatoes, buttered rolls, Pecan Pie and ice cream and tell me I can eat all I want? I'm making 3 laps through that set up. I've gone years at a time without drinking and you could tell me to have 2 drinks and stop and I'd be able to do it without a problem. I can take it or leave it and it means nothing to me. But put me in front of the China Lake Buffet and I'm powerless man.
The thing that sucks about being fat is (at least in my case) I wear around the worst part of me for all the world to see. I'm a boring dude. I love UT sports. I go to work and do a good job there. I take care of my family. I'm a loving father and husband. I put other people before myself. I'm not an addict to drugs or alcohol or abusive. I'm not perfect but gluttony is by far my biggest shame. And the world gets to see it all. Those of you who beat your wives or have a coke problem or embezzle funds or lie or are just generally shitty people get to go through life without every random stranger seeing you and knowing exactly what your biggest source of shame is. But not me. I have no idea how that affects me. Has it caused me to be more authentic in every way? Likely. What secret am I hiding? That I'm fat? Can't hide that. Weird.
My pros and cons list:
Cons- Can't pig out. Likely not a good idea to ever drink again, have to quit smoking, change the balance of relationship with my wife and family (and any change could be worse) as I change who I am, cost, pain, permanent life changing shit that comes with chances of becoming lactose intolerant, dumping, can't ever eat certain food again blah blah blah. I built this list up a mile high in my mind. Also- decent sized risk of dying on the table or in the first 30 days of recovery (like 1 in 500 maybe? 1 in 850?)
Pro's- If I don't die on the table it probably adds 15 years to my life. It should make me a better father and husband and be there for my kids. My insomnia and breathing are scaring the shit out of me and this should fix them.
Pro's won the list but juuuuuuuuuust barely. I didn't want to do this thing. Just felt like it was something that I HAD to do b/c I have never been able to succeed any other way so it was time to "burn the ships"
Next- what is the surgery