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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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1 hour ago, PilotsError said:

That service guy has upper management written all over him.

He did service her well.

Felix:  Why is there a $200 charge at the vet?

W: Flea meds for the dogs.

F:  Remember last night when I told you to just get a prescription and I can order them from Costco for less than half the vet price?

W.  I do now.  I'll return them.

F:  I doubt it.

W:  They won't take them back.

F:  You don't say?

In her defense she actually apologized profusely and said "I hate it when I do stupid shit like that."  I almost died trying to keep my mouth shut.

We were watching a show that involved a birth and the wife in the show asked her husband about her push gift.

My wife asked what a push gift was. I explained that some women expect a gift for themselves for giving birth.

Her: Like what?

Me: I don't know - a spa day, jewelry, whatever.

Her: So they get a present for having a baby?

Me: Yep.

Her: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

So I've got that going for me. I was sure she was going to ask about why she didn't get anything for the 2 kids we have.

My wife actually bought me a gift when she had our last kid. (Yes, the kid is mine.)

1 hour ago, Modessit said:

So I've got that going for me. I was sure she was going to ask about why she didn't get anything for the 2 kids we have.

You've come to the wrong thread, man.

20 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

Wife had to use my car today to drive to Round Rock while I took her car in for an oil change.  Round Rock is 15 minutes away from us.  In that 30 minute round-trip drive she changed all my Sirius XM pre-set stations to what she has them set to in her car.  All 9 of them.  Also, the AC was on FULL FUCKING BLAST when I turned the car on but all the vents were shut.  

 

Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......

15 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

 

Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......

And you think she's gonna remember that???  

1 hour ago, Modessit said:

We were watching a show that involved a birth and the wife in the show asked her husband about her push gift.

My wife asked what a push gift was. I explained that some women expect a gift for themselves for giving birth.

Her: Like what?

Me: I don't know - a spa day, jewelry, whatever.

Her: So they get a present for having a baby?

Me: Yep.

Her: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

So I've got that going for me. I was sure she was going to ask about why she didn't get anything for the 2 kids we have.

My wife asked about a push gift so I got her a stroller and told her to start pushing.

1 minute ago, txhorns said:

My wife asked about a push gift so I got her a stroller and told her to start pushing.

Shark mop or vacuum works as well.  

2 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Shark mop or vacuum works as well.  

Yes but they don't help burn off the baby weight as much.

1 hour ago, luke duke said:

My wife actually bought me a gift when she had our last kid. (Yes, the kid is mine.)

She was subtly informing you that the last kid is the ONLY one that is yours.

7 minutes ago, txhorns said:

Yes but they don't help burn off the baby weight as much.

Pushin that milk does 

006-14096-22cu.jpg?sw=1056&sh=1385&sm=fi

Edited by Trey3216

2 hours ago, Modessit said:

We were watching a show that involved a birth and the wife in the show asked her husband about her push gift.

My wife asked what a push gift was. I explained that some women expect a gift for themselves for giving birth.

Her: Like what?

Me: I don't know - a spa day, jewelry, whatever.

Her: So they get a present for having a baby?

Me: Yep.

Her: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

So I've got that going for me. I was sure she was going to ask about why she didn't get anything for the 2 kids we have.

 

Except you need to explain why you knew what the fuck a push gift was. 

edit: and if you are watching birthing videos on TLC you are doing it wrong as well. 

Edited by JimmyHoffa

 
Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......

I’ve given up. My newly licensed daughter does the same thing
 
Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......
She likes the temperature, just doesn't like the air blowing on her. Why us that so hard to understand? It's a corollary to the crank the ac down to 68 and lay under a blanket on the couch maneuver.
  • Popular Post
 
Except you need to explain why you knew what the fuck a push gift was. 
edit: and if you are watching birthing videos on TLC you are doing it wrong as well. 
From here.

My wife understands that I know everything (but still argues with me about it). She calls me her "Google". When she wants to know something she asks me instead of looking it up. When I'm tired of it - I give reasonable-sounding-but-obviously-wrong info and see how long until she figures it out. Like the time I told her the Beatles named themselves after the German car but spelled it wrong because John Lennon couldn't spell after dropping out of school after the 3rd grade.
2 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"Pearl Harbor was good! It was a love story and..."

...and that's where I stopped paying attention.

Holy shit, wife and I were watching that damned movie earlier.  Of course, I’m one that once I start watching a movie, I finish watching it unless I pass out.   Well, now I’m awake.  

12 hours ago, txhorns said:

My wife asked about a push gift so I got her a stroller and told her to start pushing.

imgur

19 hours ago, luke duke said:

My wife actually bought me a gift when she had our last kid. (Yes, the kid is mine.)

 

giphy.gif

23 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

It would've been reported stolen and found in the river if my wife did that shit

 

23 hours ago, Js1 said:

The car or the wife? 

kennedy_wideweb__470x327,0.jpg

16 hours ago, DCA_HORN said:
18 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:
 
Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......

She likes the temperature, just doesn't like the air blowing on her. Why us that so hard to understand? It's a corollary to the crank the ac down to 68 and lay under a blanket on the couch maneuver.

Oh fuck, am I someone's wife? I do this all the time. 

18 hours ago, txhorns said:

My wife asked about a push gift so I got her a stroller. and told her to start pushing.

Fixed it for smoother delivery.

My wife actually bought me a gift when she had our last kid. (Yes, the kid is mine.)
It was a bottle of hand lotion and a box of Kleenex, wasn't it?
23 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

And you think she's gonna remember that???  

no idiot he thinks she's gonna understand it.

47 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

i wanna adopt that kid.

Mulletpelini is Angelina Jolie?

Had a very sick chicken at our farm. She could barely move and was very listless and not eating. 

Moved her to a pen inside the barn (garage) to get out of the heat. Knew she was close to dying but figured a quiet place with some fresh hay to lay on would be more humane than outside on the ground in the coop in the heat with the other birds.

Mrs CL knew this chicken was sick and that she was close to death. Kept sending me updates the past couple of days of her condition. 

I drove up this afternoon. Wife had left a few minutes before. One of the barn doors was wide open with direct hot sun shining down on the now very dead chicken. 

Called wife and said, "Why did you leave her in the hot sun on the concrete floor like that?"

"I thought she'd like some fresh air!"

As you can tell, Mrs CL is obviously very humane and looks out for our livestock's best interest at all times. 

She was eventually going to die anyway, but broiling in the sun on a concrete floor kind of pisses me off. 

Edited by crimsonlonghorn

It's a chicken and you should have killed it if you knew it was dying. Why let it suffer?

Because he was too busy choking his chicken!

1 hour ago, BHMCruiser said:

It's a chicken and you should have killed it if you knew it was dying. Why let it suffer?

And then fry it up for dinner. 

The grease at high temps kills everything. I’m sure he would have been fine.

6 hours ago, General Specific said:


Just serve it with cured ham then.

 

Still tastes like creamed corn.

 

 

20 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Not sure about eating a sick chicken

but you wouldn't hesitate to fuck a diseased beaver.

Aaah, chicken stories. Visit some rich friends w/a Wimberley weekend place. Goats, horses, chickens as pets and of course they all have names. Wife buys service vests for her dogs so she can live that lie. Anyway, my dog is part german short haired pointer and comes into backyard with Ruby or Claire or whatever in his mouth. I've never seen him so happy, because of course this is what he was born to do. He's got a soft mouth and pierces but doesn't mutilate Clucky. I'm sure the guy ended up paying $500 for vet bill and medecine to keep the missus happy.

Edited by Nolacycling

Wife just handed me her laptop to proofread her weekly newsletter for work. 

She has 21 tabs open in chrome. 

It’s 2019 and she still doesn’t know which porn sites don’t have pop-ups?

Wife just handed me her laptop to proofread her weekly newsletter for work. 

She has 21 tabs open in chrome. 

That's it? Not only will my wife have 40+ tabs in the browser, but she'll have 10+ PDF's, 3+ PowerPoints, 20+ Word documents, 15+ emails, etc open all at once. And that stupid sticky note program will have over 100 of them active. Her excuse is that she has to update each one throughout the day (she's a teacher) and it takes to long to open them again.

 

I stopped giving a shit. Her laptop is provided by the school so let their IT dept handle it.

 

On 6/28/2019 at 9:35 PM, Pato del Muerto said:

Not sure about eating a sick chicken

but that raw bacon tho

Damn the open tab thing is like fucking nails on a chalkboard for me.  It's a wonder so many emails could get lost.

The best part is when they're talking shit about one for doing something that they themselves do... and you reallly wanna say "yeah but you do that too" ... but then you remember this thread. 

7 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Wife just handed me her laptop to proofread her weekly newsletter for work. 

She has 21 tabs open in chrome. 

I fail to see the issue. 

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