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20 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Positive: No phone calls

Negative: Wall of Text 

Not that much of a negative.  Because you can:
speed reading GIF

  • Replies 23.8k
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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

Posted Images

Let me translate:

This (the process- note the singular)

Are (the drawers--note the plural)

Stupid (too difficult for me to figure out)

 

21 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

 

 I will be back to being DINKs again. 

Until last week i had never heard this term before.  I must say im proud to be a DINK.... as weird as that sounds. And we will always be DINKs.  fuck the kid thing. That sounds painful  

You sound like one of the poors.

7 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Not something I can fix personally. It's a long term process that requires contractors and several steps that we have been working on for those two months. Her vegetable "garden" is an entire acre in size and is part of an even bigger property with poor drainage. She and I have discussed how big a job it is and all of the steps required - her deciding it was an issue NOW isn't consistent with those discussions. 

Did you forget she is female?

On 9/17/2019 at 8:55 PM, Brothahorn said:

 


What is it with women and their extra bathroom habits? My wife will go out of her way to use the guest bathroom. Trying to hide the fact that her shit stinks.

  Speaking of guest bedrooms. We have a guest bedroom specifically for the mom and dad in law. It has a nautical theme with pure white sheets and a duvet cover. My wife washes it all. makes the bed, and then closes the door. No one even goes in the room at all. Then when the parents in law come a few weeks later she pulls over the bedding off and washes it......

12 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:
15 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:
My dream home design has separate his and her shitters in the master bathroom. I want my private potty as a sign of wealth. Tired of being a poor. 

ive been through many million dollar homes on the parade and i dont recall ever seeing that

Oh so you're that guy

8 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

We painted a chest of drawers, and the wife is trying to put the drawers back in so she can fill them with junk...

spacer.png

all your drawers are belong to us

20 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Don't forget the urinal as well

You mean the shower?

  • Popular Post

Wife was toddling around the house last weekend looking for things to do when I was trying to watch football.

Me: Why don't you hang up all these pictures that have been sitting on the couch since we moved in 5 months ago?

Her: OK, but I'm going to need some help.

Me: How?

Her: I'm going to need your opinion on where to hang them.

Me: Literally anywhere you hang them will be better than having them on the couch.  That's my opinion.  Hang them wherever you want.

So she hangs the pictures, and then she pulls out this iron thing that used to be on the wall in the old house.  Something like this:

Wrought-Iron-Wall-Decor-Ideas.jpg

Her:  Where do you think I should hang this?  [My sister-in-law] says it should be hung over a door...

Me: Then hang it over the door. You know damn she has a better eye for that stuff than I do.

Her: Well I just really want your opinion, because I was thinking about hanging it to the side of the door.  [Holds it up above the door] Does this look better [holds it up beside the door] than this?

Me: It definitely looks better above the door.

Her: Why?

Me: Because I think it does, and that's my fucking opinion, which is what you asked for. 

 

Later that afternoon, I find that thing hanging in the middle of the wall in the guest bedroom. 

 

Wife was toddling around the house last weekend looking for things to do when I was trying to watch football.
Me: Why don't you hang up all these pictures that have been sitting on the couch since we moved in 5 months ago?
Her: OK, but I'm going to need some help.
Me: How?
Her: I'm going to need your opinion on where to hang them.
Me: Literally anywhere you hang them will be better than having them on the couch.  That's my opinion.  Hang them wherever you want.
So she hangs the pictures, and then she pulls out this iron thing that used to be on the wall in the old house.  Something like this:
Wrought-Iron-Wall-Decor-Ideas.jpg
Her:  Where do you think I should hang this?  [My sister-in-law] says it should be hung over a door...
Me: Then hang it over the door. You know damn she has a better eye for that stuff than I do.
Her: Well I just really want your opinion, because I was thinking about hanging it to the side of the door.  [Holds it up above the door] Does this look better [holds it up beside the door] than this?
Me: It definitely looks better above the door.
Her: Why?
Me: Because I think it does, and that's my fucking opinion, which is what you asked for. 
 
Later that afternoon, I find that thing hanging in the middle of the wall in the guest bedroom. 
 
Hanging pictures with my wife is the worst. Im always the one awkwardly holding up the pic, she stands there and tells me it needs to be 1/64th of inch to the left


And then down 1/32nd of an inch


Ok take this pencil so you know where to put the nail.


The decorative wrought iron piece in our house has moved 3 times in a year. Admittedly it could have moved a couple more times I didn’t notice. No Cumsteen.

Wife was toddling around the house last weekend looking for things to do when I was trying to watch football.
Me: Why don't you hang up all these pictures that have been sitting on the couch since we moved in 5 months ago?
Her: OK, but I'm going to need some help.
Me: How?
Her: I'm going to need your opinion on where to hang them.
Me: Literally anywhere you hang them will be better than having them on the couch.  That's my opinion.  Hang them wherever you want.
So she hangs the pictures, and then she pulls out this iron thing that used to be on the wall in the old house.  Something like this:
Wrought-Iron-Wall-Decor-Ideas.jpg
Her:  Where do you think I should hang this?  [My sister-in-law] says it should be hung over a door...
Me: Then hang it over the door. You know damn she has a better eye for that stuff than I do.
Her: Well I just really want your opinion, because I was thinking about hanging it to the side of the door.  [Holds it up above the door] Does this look better [holds it up beside the door] than this?
Me: It definitely looks better above the door.
Her: Why?
Me: Because I think it does, and that's my fucking opinion, which is what you asked for. 
 
Later that afternoon, I find that thing hanging in the middle of the wall in the guest bedroom. 
 

Armature. If you want it over the door you say “any where BUT over the door would be good. “

I tend to steer her away from hanging decorations in places that could fall on my head as I walk under them. 

Why do you answer the phone? I never have conversations on the phone with my wife. I say "what's up?" and, if she starts to just talk, I cut her off and say "sorry but I've got to get this done, let's talk later." But usually I just don't answer. 


Because when I get home, she whines for 29 minutes about why didn’t I answer? What if it was an emergency? How she can never depend on me in her time of need? And all she needed to tell me that she was getting a haircut.
36 minutes ago, drifter379 said:


Armature. If you want it over the door you say “any where BUT over the door would be good. “

Wound too tight.

8 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife was toddling around the house last weekend looking for things to do when I was trying to watch football.

Me: Why don't you hang up all these pictures that have been sitting on the couch since we moved in 5 months ago?

Her: OK, but I'm going to need some help.

Me: How?

Her: I'm going to need your opinion on where to hang them.

Me: Literally anywhere you hang them will be better than having them on the couch.  That's my opinion.  Hang them wherever you want.

So she hangs the pictures, and then she pulls out this iron thing that used to be on the wall in the old house.  Something like this:

Wrought-Iron-Wall-Decor-Ideas.jpg

Her:  Where do you think I should hang this?  [My sister-in-law] says it should be hung over a door...

Me: Then hang it over the door. You know damn she has a better eye for that stuff than I do.

Her: Well I just really want your opinion, because I was thinking about hanging it to the side of the door.  [Holds it up above the door] Does this look better [holds it up beside the door] than this?

Me: It definitely looks better above the door.

Her: Why?

Me: Because I think it does, and that's my fucking opinion, which is what you asked for. 

 

Later that afternoon, I find that thing hanging in the middle of the wall in the guest bedroom. 

 

You know damn good and well, or you ought to after 162 pages of this thread, that she doesn't give 2 shits about your opinion,  and she sure as hell doesn't want your opinion.  She wants to hear HER opinion.....coming from YOUR mouth. 

You fucked up, and wasted precious seconds of football watching time,  the moment you engaged in that conversation with her. 

12 hours ago, drifter379 said:


Armature. If you want it over the door you say “any where BUT over the door would be good. “

Username checks out

12 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

 


Because when I get home, she whines for 29 minutes about why didn’t I answer? What if it was an emergency? How she can never depend on me in her time of need? And all she needed to tell me that she was getting a haircut.

 

Then turn around and walk out

14 hours ago, Incredulity said:

 The decorative wrought iron piece in our house has moved 3 times in a year. Admittedly it could have moved a couple more times I didn’t notice. No Cumsteen.

Now wait just a gotdamn minute here. Is this like the wives thread corollary to "No Homo?" Can I please get some clarification on this? Does the 'No Cumsteen' refer to the wife, the useless crap itself, the overall house decor, or you? I honestly could see it in context for any of those.

4 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Now wait just a gotdamn minute here. Is this like the wives thread corollary to "No Homo?" Can I please get some clarification on this? Does the 'No Cumsteen' refer to the wife, the useless crap itself, the overall house decor, or you? I honestly could see it in context for any of those.

mostly.

They all have the sickness.  Your's is just another level.

1 hour ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Now wait just a gotdamn minute here. Is this like the wives thread corollary to "No Homo?"

lulz

3 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

@BHMCruiser is on to something profound. If you don’t want to deal with a wife, don’t get married. It’s brilliant in its simplicity. 

No, I am very tolerant of her, and she of me. But I don't want to waste my time on shit that is irritating so we have an understanding. It's reciprocal. 

3 hours ago, Incredulity said:

mostly.

They all have the sickness.  Your's is just another level.

Qft 

We all have ridiculous crap at the house that the dear wife bought. But, I'm doubtful  any of us has had the egg or crab, much less a whole thread devoted to the spectacle. 

3 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

Qft 

We all have ridiculous crap at the house that the dear wife bought. But, I'm doubtful  any of us has had the egg or crab, much less a whole thread devoted to the spectacle. 

My wife buys different styles of cobalt blue wine glasses, I buy different kinds of guns.

We both think each other is wasting money, but neither of us gets riled up about it.

I can see a use for cobalt blue wine glasses. That fancy pitcher my mom has that's worth a thousand dollars will never be used for anything except to gather dust. We've all been told it is not to be sold in a garage sale for 5 bucks. I think we made her write down the pertinent information and put the note inside. Because none of us are going to remember what the hell makes that ugly ass pitcher special. 

Wife has about 50 or 60 wine glasses, she only uses a total of 4 of them over several days. Her $10 wine glasses are pretty much worth $1 each at best, while my firearms hold at least 75% of their value.

But then again I don’t shoot my guns much and only carry two of them (alternately). So we are pretty even in our annoyance with each other.

Edited by Armybrat

6 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Wife has about 50 or 60 wine glasses, she only uses a total of 4 of them over several days. Her $10 wine glasses are pretty much worth $1 each at best, while my firearms hold at least 75% of their value.

But then again I don’t shoot my guns much and only carry two of them (alternately). So we are pretty even in our annoyance with each other.

Problem solved: use the wine glasses for target practice. On second thought, maybe I should go buy some guns. 

32 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

But then again I don’t shoot my guns much and only carry two of them (alternately). So we are pretty even in our annoyance with each other.

Drink all her wine before shooting, and then let's see what the relative annoyance levels are. Be sure to get video footage, though.

Can someone please explain what the fuck the Parade of Homes is?

I don’t drink wine though. She doesn’t mind, ‘cause more for her.

I don’t drink Scotch either (nor does she, and I don’t know anyone who does), but bought a bottle of The Glenlivet 15 recently because it was on sale. Should I be posting in the dumb things husbands do thread?

Wife comes home and changes. The comes out to the kitchen and is fiddling around for a few minutes while I'm reading in the living room (Open floor plan)

Wife : Dammit I can't find my phone again (this happens at least 3-4 a week)

Me (without looking up) : It's on the bed next to your work clothes that you just changed out of

She goes back to the room - comes back with phone

Wife : Does it annoy you that I misplace my phone all the time?

Me : No, what annoys me is that you couldn't put the clothes in hamper that's literally next to the bed......

36 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Wife comes home and changes. The comes out to the kitchen and is fiddling around for a few minutes while I'm reading in the living room (Open floor plan)

Wife : Dammit I can't find my phone again (this happens at least 3-4 a week)

Me (without looking up) : It's on the bed next to your work clothes that you just changed out of

She goes back to the room - comes back with phone

Wife : Does it annoy you that I misplace my phone all the time?

Me : No, what annoys me is that you couldn't put the clothes in hamper that's literally next to the bed......

You’re either sleeping on the couch or headed towards some wild ass monkey sex tonight.

Can someone please explain what the fuck the Parade of Homes is?
In our area its basically model homes built by contractor's to either sell or get their name out. Losers like myself and my wife go tour 800K+homes to remind us how poor we are.

It kills a Saturday or sunday afternoon in May for us.
6 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

In our area its basically model homes built by contractor's to either sell or get their name out. Losers like myself and my wife go tour 800K+homes to remind us how poor we are.

It kills a Saturday or sunday afternoon in May for us.

We used to do that, then they started charging admission to keep the riffraff out. So this riffraff quit going.

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

I don’t drink wine though. She doesn’t mind, ‘cause more for her.

I don’t drink Scotch either (nor does she, and I don’t know anyone who does), but bought a bottle of The Glenlivet 15 recently because it was on sale. Should I be posting in the dumb things husbands do thread?

Just cuz it was on sale?  No other reason drove you to that purchase?  

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

I don’t drink wine though. She doesn’t mind, ‘cause more for her.

I don’t drink Scotch either (nor does she, and I don’t know anyone who does), but bought a bottle of The Glenlivet 15 recently because it was on sale. Should I be posting in the dumb things husbands do thread?

You bought something you don't want and can't use because it was on sale?

 

The jokes write themselves.

That rule doesn’t apply to good bottles of booze.

I don't drink scotch and I have a good bottle in my liquor cabinet.  You never know when you will have guests who like scotch, or a date who needs a snort in order to get her pants off.

4 hours ago, After irth said:

Just cuz it was on sale?  No other reason drove you to that purchase?  

 

4 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

You bought something you don't want and can't use because it was on sale?

 

The jokes write themselves.

Yep, and yep.

I have known only two guys who drank Scotch. One lost most of his stomach to cancer (can’t drink anymore), and the other shot himself (definitely a non-drinker now).

2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

 

Yep, and yep.

I have known only two guys who drank Scotch. One lost most of his stomach to cancer (can’t drink anymore), and the other shot himself (definitely a non-drinker now).

you could still pour one out for your homie

That’s a good bullet point for the day.

7 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

you could still pour one out for your homie

 

On 9/19/2019 at 3:47 PM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Hanging pictures with my wife is the worst. Im always the one awkwardly holding up the pic, she stands there and tells me it needs to be 1/64th of inch to the left


And then down 1/32nd of an inch


Ok take this pencil so you know where to put the nail.

 

 

It’s not about the nail.

 

Except when it’s about the nail.

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