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Mrs ABSR texts:  "Where are the kids?  Can you let them know there is a car going around offering pizzas to kids to go into a truck. Ford F-250."

ABSR:  "Kids playing  with their friends X and Y.  kids can't have pizza because not gluten free, but I will keep my eye out in case I get hungry!"

....I wasn't going to have sex tonight anyway.

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Somewhere there is a guy in a white van handing out gluten free pizza because your wife convinced him it was a good idea.

33 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Mrs ABSR texts:  "Where are the kids?  Can you let them know there is a car going around offering pizzas to kids to go into a truck. Ford F-250."

Is she wanting the kids fed or warning about a predator?

6 hours ago, Ten Bears said:
On 12/30/2019 at 2:54 PM, Pato del Muerto said:
Surprisingly, it’s just her not understanding how the system works. In auto, it only runs the floor vents. 
also, her commute is 3 minutes so she’s rarely in it long enough for the engine to get to temp. 
when I forced it to run the dash vents and let it warm up, hot air blows. 

I had that short of a commute and ended up with tons of parrifin sludge built up in my engine because it didn't get hot enough to burn it off or some shit.

it was a Saab, wasn't it?

 

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29 minutes ago, blacklab said:

Is she wanting the kids fed or warning about a predator?

Predators.  But now I think the kids want Pizza for dinner.

25 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Now i want pizza for dinner. Dont care if it's delivered by a predator

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSbICtwVuKfe50rnXiwS1Y

1 hour ago, nnm said:

 

Women... take so much time even the car wants to leave without them.

That actually happened multiple times to my mom. She left our old manual transmission truck parked on a hill, without the parking brake on, more than once. It proceeded to either pop out of gear (or she also left it in neutral), and it ran down the hill until it stopped by hitting whatever was at the bottom. Fortunately no one was killed. 

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As the originator of this thread, I humbly offer the following. I promise, I'm not making this up.

Wife calls me at work from the home land line. We still have a land line to run the closed captioning phone for her.

Wife:. I'm calling you from the home number because I can't find my cell phone. I think I left out at Costco.
Me:. You know you can find it. Just go get your laptop or iPad and I'll walk you thru it
Wife:. Okay. Let me get my phone.
(At this point, Hulla thinks, 'Surely she isn't going to go pick up her cell phone.....)
Her:. Okay. Got my phone...... What do I......,.. Shit. Nevermind.

As the originator of this thread, I humbly offer the following. I promise, I'm not making this up.

Wife calls me at work from the home land line. We still have a land line to run the closed captioning phone for her.

Wife:. I'm calling you from the home number because I can't find my cell phone. I think I left out at Costco.
Me:. You know you can find it. Just go get your laptop or iPad and I'll walk you thru it
Wife:. Okay. Let me get my phone.
(At this point, Hulla thinks, 'Surely she isn't going to go pick up her cell phone.....)
Her:. Okay. Got my phone...... What do I......,.. Shit. Nevermind.



Gold.

Do these fancy deaf people phones have storage where you could retrieve the captioned text of this call?

Hey Hulla, wasn’t your wife having surgery on her ears? What happened with that?

We are at a two day volleyball tournament in San Antonio where you can buy a one day bracelet for $10 or a two day bracelet for $15.

Wife: why do we need the two day bracelet?
Me: because it's $30 as opposed to $40.
Wife: where are you getting those numbers? It's only $10 a day.
Me:
Wife: what?

23 minutes ago, chikin23 said:

We are at a two day volleyball tournament in San Antonio where you can buy a one day bracelet for $10 or a two day bracelet for $15.

Wife: why do we need the two day bracelet?
Me: because it's $30 as opposed to $40.
Wife: where are you getting those numbers? It's only $10 a day.
Me:
Wife: what?

what if you buy her a single day bracelet, then cut it in half and use the other half tomorrow.

1 hour ago, chikin23 said:

We are at a two day volleyball tournament in San Antonio where you can buy a one day bracelet for $10 or a two day bracelet for $15.

Wife: why do we need the two day bracelet?
Me: because it's $30 as opposed to $40.
Wife: where are you getting those numbers? It's only $10 a day.
Me:
Wife: what?

What makes this so egregious is that if the item in question were shoes or something she would want to purchase she would have bragged about the "savings" by buying multiple items or in bulk.

Edited by Grade of D as in David
Typo

7 hours ago, hullabelew said:

As the originator of this thread, I humbly offer the following. I promise, I'm not making this up.

Wife calls me at work from the home land line. We still have a land line to run the closed captioning phone for her.

Wife:. I'm calling you from the home number because I can't find my cell phone. I think I left out at Costco.
Me:. You know you can find it. Just go get your laptop or iPad and I'll walk you thru it
Wife:. Okay. Let me get my phone.
(At this point, Hulla thinks, 'Surely she isn't going to go pick up her cell phone.....)
Her:. Okay. Got my phone...... What do I......,.. Shit. Nevermind.
 

QONVIyz.gif

4 hours ago, nnm said:

 

Now find the reaction one after you say, "You're acting just like your mother."

Edited by Buffsoldier

11 hours ago, hullabelew said:

As the originator of this thread, I humbly offer the following. I promise, I'm not making this up.

Wife calls me at work from the home land line. We still have a land line to run the closed captioning phone for her.

Wife:. I'm calling you from the home number because I can't find my cell phone. I think I left out at Costco.
Me:. You know you can find it. Just go get your laptop or iPad and I'll walk you thru it
Wife:. Okay. Let me get my phone.
(At this point, Hulla thinks, 'Surely she isn't going to go pick up her cell phone.....)
Her:. Okay. Got my phone...... What do I......,.. Shit. Nevermind.
 

Image result for we're not worthy gif

Do these fancy deaf people phones have storage where you could retrieve the captioned text of this call?
Grand idea. I'll see if she erased it.
Hey Hulla, wasn’t your wife having surgery on her ears? What happened with that?
Yep. She had a cochlear implant done 2 years ago. It helped her a ton with environmental sounds. I'll make more posts about some of those interactions.
1 hour ago, Grade of D as in David said:

atomic bomb explosion GIF

Admittedly,  that was a hanging curve...

Dude...that’s only a fraction of the reaction. It’s more global in score.
baa5419bbc3c95af5f4c81d831df5978.gif

  • My wife refuses to acknowledge that turning the AC control to this symbol with the air blowing on full blast won't make the heat come on faster.

defrost-symbol-260nw-43561639.jpg

I have even showed her repeatedly that when the glass is fogged & I flip it to this setting, the fog goes away... & when I turn it back to the dash vents, the fog will reappear.

But repeatedly, without fail, I can get into her Tahoe & find the diverter pushed to this setting.

& Every time I explain it to her again, she calls me an asshole that "always has to be right.".  So I push the envelope & respond with "Well, for someone to be right then apparently the other person is wrong.".
That doesn't go over well, but I sure as fuck do enjoy having her recognize that she just admitted she was wrong.

On January 2, 2020 at 11:33 AM, Not that Bob said:

Christmas decorations with glitter. Before impeachment, yay or nay. Before gun control, yay or nay. Before drug law reform, yay or nay. Before any of that mundane shit, glitter should be outlawed. In fairness she did throw away the worst offenders, but that shit should never be in a house in the first place. There will be this year's glitter somewhere in the house when it's time to put up 2020 decorations. "It looks pretty", she says. "Yeah? Well not in August!", says I. Response...tone. 

You've got cover. Go get yourself a lap dance. 

“You spell ‘Toys’ T-O-Y-E-S, right?”
That's half the people who post here.
1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

You've got cover. Go get yourself a lap dance. 

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where do I send my $9.95?

1 hour ago, KaiserSoze said:
1 hour ago, Snake Diggity said:
“You spell ‘Toys’ T-O-Y-E-S, right?”

That's half the people who post here.

C-O-R...Are you going to the mall later today?

On 12/13/2019 at 12:35 PM, blacklab said:

10yo is going to 6th grade/junior high next year.

Wife makes comment that it's going to be a pain in the ass to go to lunch with the kids because 9yo will still be in elementary school.

I let her know she shouldn't be going to junior high with the kid in junior as people will make fun of him.

She argues and argues about kids aren't mean, they wouldn't do that, other mothers go there, etc. etc.

Fast forward to this week and she's talking to a neighbor who has a kid at the junior high. Asks about going to lunch to see her kid. Neighbor laughs at wife and says "I wouldn't ever go to eat with them, they'd be made fun of by all of the other kids forever if I did that"

Why the fuck do women believe a stranger over their husband? What really drives me nuts is when it's something I have more knowledge than the average person like setting up a website or fixing a computer.

Her: The homeless guy said my computer is probably running slow because I have a virus!

Me: No, it's because you have 100 tabs open in chrome and it's using all the memory on your laptop. get laptop, show task manager, show her she's using all the memory.

Her: That can't be it. Can you scan for viruses?

me: ok

I go reboot computer and hand it back

her: OMG it's so much faster, did you find a virus?

me: uh, yeah

Wash rinse repeat.

I've been telling my wife for the last year to stop playing with the dog so rough because it will cause the dog to be more aggressive.

She takes the dog to red bud yesterday and the dog gets in a few fights. Owner of one of the dogs asks if she plays rough with the dog.

It is now very important that no one play rough with the dog.

 

I am currently frustrated with my wife’s lack of understanding of the robot vacuum.  I don’t want to type a dissertation here, but I could. 
synopsis is that she thinks it should just clean around everything without issues. I tell her how it senses things and works and how I use virtual walls to keep it out of trouble, but she can’t be moving shit around and expect it to function. 
“well I just wanted something to help with the floors!”  

15 minutes ago, blacklab said:

Wash rinse repeat.

I've been telling my wife for the last year to stop playing with the dog so rough because it will cause the dog to be more aggressive.

She takes the dog to red bud yesterday and the dog gets in a few fights. Owner of one of the dogs asks if she plays rough with the dog.

It is now very important that no one play rough with the dog.

 

I assume you called her out on it and spent the night on the couch?

I assume you called her out on it and spent the night in the doghouse?


Fixed.
8 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

You've got cover. Go get yourself a lap dance. 

With his luck the dancer will have used glitter makeup. That would make his day. 

52 minutes ago, nnm said:

With his luck the dancer will have used glitter makeup. That would make his day. 

thatsthejoke.gif

Got the wife a gle 350 6 months ago. We have one of those buffet all you can wash car washes that does remarkably well and doesnt damage the paint.

However, I guess the way her license plate on the front is laid out, the carpet strips grab it on both sides and almost square it off. So she orders a new plate, one of those black plates with the texas star to the left.

I tell her this morning "when it comes in I will take off the license plate holder, add some small black carriage bolts on each side to keep it from peeling back".

Answer: No I dont want a bunch of holes drilled in my new car"

After explaining it was just in to the license plate holder, that I would literally remove and then install the bolts, she said she would take her chances.

Disclaimer: I am very mechanically inclined and fix just about everything around this house.

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3 minutes ago, markstanco said:

Got the wife a gle 350 6 months ago. We have one of those buffet all you can wash car washes that does remarkably well and doesnt damage the paint.

However, I guess the way her license plate on the front is laid out, the carpet strips grab it on both sides and almost square it off. So she orders a new plate, one of those black plates with the texas star to the left.

I tell her this morning "when it comes in I will take off the license plate holder, add some small black carriage bolts on each side to keep it from peeling back".

Answer: No I dont want a bunch of holes drilled in my new car"

After explaining it was just in to the license plate holder, that I would literally remove and then install the bolts, she said she would take her chances.

Disclaimer: I am very mechanically inclined and fix just about everything around this house.

This is Exhibit A of when you just fix something without explaining step by step what you are doing to the spouse, and she would never notice the difference.

 

 

Do these fancy deaf people phones have storage where you could retrieve the captioned text of this call?
I looked. You have to actually save the conversation by pressing a button. Sadly, she didn't save that one.
This is Exhibit A of when you just fix something without explaining step by step what you are doing to the spouse, and she would never notice the difference.
 
 
I was looking for points. But yes, I will do it anyway.
2 minutes ago, markstanco said:
6 minutes ago, Francisco 2.0 said:
This is Exhibit A of when you just fix something without explaining step by step what you are doing to the spouse, and she would never notice the difference.
 
 

I was looking for points. But yes, I will do it anyway.

Oh, I understand.

I've had both extremes in my life.  My ex; she would literally stand over me while I did the most simple crap and constantly ask/critique/make commentary.  Wife #2 couldn't care less; if something needs done, she just wants it taken care of.  I can give her the play by play, but she just wants results.

I taught my wife a long time ago that if she asks me for help then I get to do it my way. If she wants to complain about the way I'm doing it then she can do it herself. It's worked just fine.

2 hours ago, Francisco 2.0 said:

Oh, I understand.

I've had both extremes in my life.  My ex; she would literally stand over me while I did the most simple crap and constantly ask/critique/make commentary.  Wife #2 couldn't care less; if something needs done, she just wants it taken care of.  I can give her the play by play, but she just wants results.

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3 hours ago, Francisco 2.0 said:

Oh, I understand.

I've had both extremes in my life.  My ex; she would literally stand over me while I did the most simple crap and constantly ask/critique/make commentary.  Wife #2 couldn't care less; if something needs done, she just wants it taken care of.  I can give her the play by play, but she just wants results.

I don’t understand why one is an ex and one is not...

11 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wash rinse repeat.

I've been telling my wife for the last year to stop playing with the dog so rough because it will cause the dog to be more aggressive.

She takes the dog to red bud yesterday and the dog gets in a few fights. Owner of one of the dogs asks if she plays rough with the dog.

It is now very important that no one play rough with the dog.

 

You might want to get her hearing checked.  She might need one of those coch implants hullabelew was talking about earlier.

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