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Featured Replies

4 hours ago, Modessit said:
7 hours ago, Jack Straw said:
why

When you really fuck up, it's a preemptive strike to get them in a good mood before they figure out what you did.

Yea right.  Parents come home to a clean house:. "ok what did you do this time??;?!!"

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Another gem from that conversation last night trying to discuss statistics with a self-proclaimed "outlier" in engineering.

 

Me: "Do you have any evidence that <Gigantic Oil Company> is biased against women?"

Ms CL: "Yes, I've sat in hiring meetings where they said, 'Let's take a chance on this woman.'"

Me: "So... they hired the woman for an engineering position... and that means they're biased?"

Ms CL: "I've never heard them say anything about taking a chance on a man!"

Me: "Was the woman more qualified than all of the male candidates?"

Ms CL: "No. Of course not."

Me: "But they hired her anyway?"

Ms CL: "Yes."

Me: "And that means they are biased against women?"

Ms CL: "Yes. They described it as 'taking a chance.'"

Me: "Maybe it was because she wasn't the most qualified applicant?"

Ms CL: "No, it's because women are discriminated against in the workplace."

Me: "Where they hired you?"

Ms CL: "I'm special. I can do the work. I'm far down the curve. Most women aren't. They had to hire me."

Me: 

giphy-25.gif.a5450fa2b629c83aa7e9e92a8bb61996.gifspacer.png

Edited by crimsonlonghorn

9 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Me: "Good point. I think I'm going to go surf Shaggy for a while."

This should have been the first words out of your mouth.

Wife was excited to show me her new superbowl shirt (she's from Whitehouse), but she said she couldn't figure out what the thing on the left side of it was.

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She’s not entirely wrong though, because the ball used by the NFL doesn’t have stripes.

2 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Another gem from that conversation last night trying to discuss statistics with a self-proclaimed "outlier" in engineering.

 

Me: "Do you have any evidence that <Gigantic Oil Company> is biased against women?"

Ms CL: "Yes, I've sat in hiring meetings where they said, 'Let's take a chance on this woman.'"

Me: "So... they hired the woman for an engineering position... and that means they're biased?"

Ms CL: "I've never heard them say anything about taking a chance on a man!"

Me: "Was the woman more qualified than all of the male candidates?"

Ms CL: "No. Of course not."

Me: "But they hired her anyway?"

Ms CL: "Yes."

Me: "And that means they are biased against women?"

Ms CL: "Yes. They described it as 'taking a chance.'"

Me: "Maybe it was because she wasn't the most qualified applicant?"

Ms CL: "No, it's because women are discriminated against in the workplace."

Me: "Where they hired you?"

Ms CL: "I'm special. I can do the work. I'm far down the curve. Most women aren't. They had to hire me."

Me: 

giphy-25.gif.a5450fa2b629c83aa7e9e92a8bb61996.gifspacer.png

you should tell her they probably meant, 'take a chance on the applicant not being as big a pain in the ass as you-know-who.'

11 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

This one veers into the technical side of things and CR posts, but here goes. For someone as smart as she is, she's still a women and she must think there's a bigot under every bed. 

Me: "All I am saying is that the standard deviation for measuring men's mathematical ability is higher than for women. The mean is about the same but the spread is wider. There are more men than women on the high end and there are more men than women on the low end. You're an engineer. I know you know what I mean. It's not all attributable to discrimination."

 

citation please

Per this article that statement is only likely true when looking at US students but the effect disappears internationally.

Edited by Llogg

1 hour ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Wife was excited to show me her new superbowl shirt (she's from Whitehouse), but she said she couldn't figure out what the thing on the left side of it was.

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After she puts it on it will be a tit

Wife was excited to show me her new superbowl shirt (she's from Whitehouse), but she said she couldn't figure out what the thing on the left side of it was.
4TimCcmL_o.jpg

Patrick mahomies?
1 minute ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


Patrick mahomies?

Yes. As in the phrase “Rolling with my homies”

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Last week I went in our bathroom right before getting in bed and noticed that her phone was plugged in next to the sink, which was a first. Wife was already in bed.

 

Me: Why is your phone in here and not on your nightstand?

Her: I’m trying something new. I have a hard time going to sleep because I get distracted by my phone right before bed.

Me: How about you just don’t pick up your phone?

Her: *Looks at me like I’m an alien speaking a foreign language*

Phone: *ding* (the timing was perfect)

Her: Can you see who’s texting me?

Me: No, I don’t want to interfere with your sleep.

Her: Asshole (as she gets out of bed to check her phone)

 

The phone has been charged on her nightstand ever since.

 

3 minutes ago, Frank The Tank said:

Yes. As in the phrase “Rolling with my homies”

dance dancing GIF

17 hours ago, elfenix said:

stock clock app on android has swipe left for snooze, swipe right for dismiss.  who the fuck thought that was good design?

More recent models have two buttons:  One you swipe to turn off the alarm, a second one above it that you push to snooze.

1 minute ago, TrashMaster G said:

More recent models have two buttons:  One you swipe to turn off the alarm, a second one above it that you push to snooze.

that's not the stock android clock app.  maybe that's samsung's.

13 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

This one veers into the technical side of things and CR posts, but here goes. For someone as smart as she is, she's still a women and she must think there's a bigot under every bed. 

Me: "All I am saying is that the standard deviation for measuring men's mathematical ability is higher than for women. The mean is about the same but the spread is wider. There are more men than women on the high end and there are more men than women on the low end. You're an engineer. I know you know what I mean. It's not all attributable to discrimination."

Ms CL: "Oh yeah? Then how come my high school calculus teacher looked at the classroom on the first day of school and said, 'There are too many girls in here'"?

Me: "What percentage were women?"

Ms CL: "About 60%"

Me: "Did any drop out? How many?"

Ms CL: "About half"

Me: "So by the end there were more boys than girls?"

Ms CL: "Yes"

Me: "You realize what you're saying?"

Ms CL: "Yes, the teacher was biased against girls."

.

.

<Conversation continues for a while - we talk in circles>

.

.

Me: "I know you understand what I am saying about there being more men at either end of the curve. It's basic statistics.I know you know how a normal distribution works."

Ms CL: "Yes. But I'm the only girl engineer at my job. Shouldn't there be more like 30%?" (Guess she's referring to the calculus class thing?)

Me: "No, the further down the curve you get, the ratio of men to women should get much higher. It might be 10 or 5 or 1 percent women by the time you get to really advanced fields like what you do."

Ms CL: "Then if there is no discrimination, how come the further I have gone in my career, there have been fewer and fewer women?"

Me: "Good point. I think I'm going to go surf Shaggy for a while."

What kind of engineer is she? Does she design bridges? If so can you please tell me where those bridges might be?

13 hours ago, Anastasis said:

The statistics discussions with my wife are centered around the probability of there being clean underwear when I open my wardrobe door. 

can't divide by zero, Alfred Einstein

11 minutes ago, elfenix said:

that's not the stock android clock app.  maybe that's samsung's.

Maybe so.

30 minutes ago, luke duke said:

Last week I went in our bathroom right before getting in bed and noticed that her phone was plugged in next to the sink, which was a first. Wife was already in bed.

 

Me: Why is your phone in here and not on your nightstand?

Her: I’m trying something new. I have a hard time going to sleep because I get distracted by my phone right before bed.

Me: How about you just don’t pick up your phone?

Her: *Looks at me like I’m an alien speaking a foreign language*

Phone: *ding* (the timing was perfect)

Her: Can you see who’s texting me?

Me: No, I don’t want to interfere with your sleep.

Her: Asshole (as she gets out of bed to check her phone)

 

The phone has been charged on her nightstand ever since.

 

That is Peak Wife, right there.

2 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Wife was excited to show me her new superbowl shirt (she's from Whitehouse), but she said she couldn't figure out what the thing on the left side of it was.

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58 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

What kind of engineer is she? Does she design bridges? If so can you please tell me where those bridges might be?

Chemical. She's now an IP lawyer at her large oil company writing patents on drilling rigs and other technology. 

Very very smart. But also a woman, so simultaneously also very much in tune with this thread with blind spots a mile wide. 

5 hours ago, msucolt45 said:

She’s not entirely wrong though, because the ball used by the NFL doesn’t have stripes.

Yeah, but she had no idea that it was even a football. After I told her, I had to convince her.

10 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Wife was excited to show me her new superbowl shirt (she's from Whitehouse), but she said she couldn't figure out what the thing on the left side of it was.

spacer.png

Whitehouse, huh? Has she been exposed to Troy Metoyer? 

On 1/31/2020 at 11:35 AM, TrashMaster G said:

Maybe so.

That is Peak Wife, right there.

No, thats just everyday normal shit.  But I get what you're saying.

Wife is having 2 friends over for the SB (which they wont watch) and ot is coating me $3100.

$100 for food and beer/wine and $3000 for a new couch upstairs where she never watches tv.

They're gonna watch the halftime show and you better not say a fucking word!

 

 

 

I get in trouble every fucking year for making fun of it.

3 hours ago, markstanco said:

Wife is having 2 friends over for the SB (which they wont watch) and ot is coating me $3100.

$100 for food and beer/wine and $3000 for a new couch upstairs where she never watches tv.

<dialing bookie> How do you know the game is going to OT?

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Who is it this year?

Jennifer Lopez and shakira. 
 

I asked my wife if Latin culture is the same throughout, such that a Puerto Rican New Yorker and a colombiana can represent Miami. She didn’t know either. 

I'd wander the desert for 40 years for 10 seconds with Shakira

Wife was heating up a sauce cup in microwave, and didn't pull foil all the way off the top.  Starts sparking, and I tell her to open the door.  Keeps sparking, "OPEN THE DOOR!"  She runs the opposite direction.

“What was Bill Murray doing with that Beaver?” (SB Jeep commercial)
Now you have an excuse to make her sit and watch a movie you'll actually like.

I had just won the super bowl and my air head wife says on national TV that I had been "as calm as a cucumber all week". What a stupid bitch.

- Andy Reid

1 minute ago, Hmbre97 said:

I had just won the super bowl and my air head wife says on national TV that I had been "as calm as a cucumber all week". What a stupid bitch.

- Andy Reid

I think that the proper response to your wife comparing you to a cucumber is to nod knowingly. 

I had just won the super bowl and my air head wife says on national TV that I had been "as calm as a cucumber all week". What a stupid bitch.
- Andy Reid

Andy, have you seen what South Austin’s mom can do with a cucumber? Or ping pong balls, or a stack of quarters, or....

She came home from target tonight with about 7 boxes of noodles and 7 jars of ragu. My mother in law is a saint... but she also is one of those internet/conspiracy freak out type so she got in my wife’s head about the dangers of corona virus in case we need to stay home for x amount of days.

 

 

 

It’s adorable.. but I look at it like we have some easy suppers coming up

 

7 hours ago, Anastasis said:

I think that the proper response to your wife comparing you to a cucumber is to nod knowingly. 

Like Andy Reid knows what a cucumber is.

3 hours ago, HenryJames said:

Like Andy Reid knows what a cucumber is.

Pickled on a burger he sure as hell does.

That desert used to be a lush forest until Shakira walked thru it and scorched all that shit with her total hotness.

Every year, my wife wear a Texans jersey/shirt to the superbowl watch party...smdh

Edited by Brothahorn

"When are you going to figure out that my brain works differently?"

"Yes dear, I am well aware."

 

I feel like I have already posted this one, but it came up again today. 

23 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

“It’s going to be hot today but we have inherent weather coming tomorrow.”  
 

vocabulary is definitely not one of here inherent strengths.

58 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

“It’s going to be hot today but we have inherent weather coming tomorrow.”  
 

She's going to inherit the wind.

Last Wednesday I came down with a very mild case of the flu. Nothing more than a sporadic fever and aches, easily controllable by Tylenol. I knew it was the flu because I was exposed to it the weekend before visiting my dad in the hospital, and I figured it was mild because I already had a flu shot. All I needed to do was wait for the proverbial 5-7 days to pass but wife was nagging me everyday to go to the doctor and get tested, even if it never got worse. She and the kids never got sick. I called the doctor's nurse and she said it sounded so mild that I probably wasn't that contagious, especially since I wasn't sneezing or coughing. Just wait it out and come see us if it gets worse.

I started feeling better yesterday but she kept STILL nagging so today I went in to see the doctor. They agreed with me and basically told me we were both wasting our time but laughed when I said I was there to keep my wife happy. 

Get home this afternoon and report back to Ms CL.

Ms CL: Did you get tested for the flu?

Me: No, they didn't even mention it. They said that I didn't appear ill. 

Ms CL: Why didn't you ask to be tested?

Me: I guess because they could tell I was no longer sick?

Ms CL: Well how am I supposed to know if you actually had the flu? What if I catch it from you? 

Me: Because it's all gone now. Wouldn't you have already caught it by now if it were going to happen?

yada yada yada... TONE

Edited by crimsonlonghorn

Last Wednesday I came down with a very mild case of the flu. Nothing more than a sporadic fever and aches, easily controllable by Tylenol. I knew it was the flu because I was exposed to it the weekend before visiting my dad in the hospital, and I figured it was mild because I already had a flu shot. All I needed to do was wait for the proverbial 5-7 days to pass but wife was nagging me everyday to go to the doctor and get tested, even if it never got worse. She and the kids never got sick. I called the doctor's nurse and she said it sounded so mild that I probably wasn't that contagious, especially since I wasn't sneezing or coughing. Just wait it out and come see us if it gets worse.
I started feeling better yesterday but she kept STILL nagging so today I went in to see the doctor. They agreed with me and basically told me we were both wasting our time but laughed when I said I was there to keep my wife happy. 
Get home this afternoon and report back to Ms CL.
Ms CL: Did you get tested for the flu?
Me: No, they didn't even mention it. They said that I didn't appear ill. 
Ms CL: Why didn't you ask to be tested?
Me: I guess because they could tell I was no longer sick?
Ms CL: Well how am I supposed to know if you actually had the flu? What if I catch it from you? 
Me: Because it's all gone now. Wouldn't you have already caught it by now if it were going to happen?
yada yada yada... TONE
In the future:

Wife: Did you get tested?

You: Yes.

Wife: And?

You: They said, "You're fine and tell your wife to quit wasting our time."
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Sunday: "Today's the date where it's the same forwards and backward!  Look!"  Writes down 02/02/02.  "Wait. No, ...  Wait."

Wife just just explained in exhausting detail how to get to a friend’s house so I can drop off Buzz Jr, and finished by texting me the address.

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