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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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12 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

Apparently I don’t dice red bell peppers correctly to put them in the salad.  I received a lecture. 

 

 

Few weeks ago, I am in my office and hear my wife screaming “OMG!  Fire!”.  I run out, thinking my dryer lint has finally caught fire (40+ years old and likely never cleaned).  I run thru the smoke filled house and into the laundry and check it, nada.  I hear her behind me “it’s this!”. 
 

The baby had been sick, so she had decided to boil the pacifiers to sanitize them.  Puts 6 pacifiers in a pot of water, turns the heat on, and walks away.  God knows how many hours later, the water had all boiled out and the melting plastic filled the house with toxic smoke.  Real cool.  Thanks for the cancer, wifey.

Edited by Snake Diggity

11 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

Few weeks ago, I am in my office and hear my wife screaming “OMG!  Fire!”.  I run out, thinking my dryer lint has finally caught fire (40+ years old and likely never cleaned).  I run thru the smoke filled house and into the laundry and check it, nada.  I hear her behind me “it’s this!”. 
 

The baby had been sick, so she had decided to boil the pacifiers to sanitize them.  Puts 6 pacifiers in a pot of water, turns the heat on, and walks away.  God knows how many hours later, the water had all boiled out and the melting plastic filled the house with toxic smoke.  Real cool.  Thanks for the cancer, wifey.

You guys should invest in those sanitizing bags you just pop in the microwave 

That’s some long game mariticide right there. 

Few weeks ago, I am in my office and hear my wife screaming “OMG!  Fire!”.  I run out, thinking my dryer lint has finally caught fire (40+ years old and likely never cleaned).  I run thru the smoke filled house and into the laundry and check it, nada.  I hear her behind me “it’s this!”. 
 
The baby had been sick, so she had decided to boil the pacifiers to sanitize them.  Puts 6 pacifiers in a pot of water, turns the heat on, and walks away.  God knows how many hours later, the water had all boiled out and the melting plastic filled the house with toxic smoke.  Real cool.  Thanks for the cancer, wifey.

I can’t tell you how many WubbaNubs with burned spots on them that we had. Probably every single one had been burned to some degree. Gas ranges and cloth don’t mix.
51 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

Few weeks ago, I am in my office and hear my wife screaming “OMG!  Fire!”.  I run out, thinking my dryer lint has finally caught fire (40+ years old and likely never cleaned).  I run thru the smoke filled house and into the laundry and check it, nada.  I hear her behind me “it’s this!”. 
 

The baby had been sick, so she had decided to boil the pacifiers to sanitize them.  Puts 6 pacifiers in a pot of water, turns the heat on, and walks away.  God knows how many hours later, the water had all boiled out and the melting plastic filled the house with toxic smoke.  Real cool.  Thanks for the cancer, wifey.

Your dryer is over 40 years old?

43 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

Your dryer is over 40 years old?

Probably an old school Maytag

Really for the stupid shit husbands say thread, but on our date night I told my wife she didn't have very good critical thinking skills. It's been pretty interesting the past hour or so.

52 minutes ago, G650 said:

Really for the stupid shit husbands say thread, but on our date night I told my wife she didn't have very good critical thinking skills. It's been pretty interesting the past hour or so.

Apparently your critical thinking skills need some brushing up.

28 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Apparently your critical thinking skills need some brushing up.

Indeed. I've made a reasonable recovery though, I rate it 50/50 I get laid. My strategy has been getting is drunk, so it's going to be awesome or fail spectacularly.

 

31 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

You done fucked up.

Seems to be my lot in life unfortunately.

1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

Apparently your critical thinking skills need some brushing up.

This.

10 hours ago, G650 said:

Indeed. I've made a reasonable recovery though, I rate it 50/50 I get laid.

bigpapi.gif

 

Pulled it off somehow.

so you talked your hand into it?  whatever blows your skirt up.

Apparently your critical thinking skills need some brushing up.

He was critical alright, he failed the thinking part.

Unless he wanted to argue so they could have an opportunity to communicate. Long game! /s

"Can we talk for a second?  And you have to promise not to get mad, OK."

26 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

"Can we talk for a second?  And you have to promise not to get mad, OK."

Well, did you get mad.

My wife has kicked on the garbage disposal with every spoon in our house at least once.  I cannot find one freaking spoon that does have chewed up edges.  You can feel the jagged edges when you eat.  

Had good and bad today...

Good: Leaves a voicemail that starts, "Long story, but last part first..."

Bad: Goes to lunch with friend, texts me that they're at the Thai place, asks if I want her to bring me something. She knows I love Thai, knows I love spicy food, so yeah just pick me something. When she finally gets home, she has brought...Orange Chicken.

54 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Pick me something was on you

 

I'm apparently wrong that after living with someone for nearly 30 years, you should be able to order for them.  I somehow always manage to pick beer that she likes and I always know to order her unsweetened tea at restaurants.  And I don't give a shit who you are, you should never order orange chicken at a Thai restaurant, for fuck's sake!

I mean, I like orange chicken well enough.  But at a Thai restaurant...

I'm apparently wrong that after living with someone for nearly 30 years, you should be able to order for them.  I somehow always manage to pick beer that she likes and I always know to order her unsweetened tea at restaurants.  And I don't give a shit who you are, you should never order orange chicken at a Thai restaurant, for fuck's sake!

After 30 years I think you should realize that you’re married to a woman. You are married to a woman aren’t you?
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This goes in a “Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do” thread. 

This morning Mrs. Ace was drinking tea and did that coughing/can’t breath thing you do sometimes when it goes up your nose or whatever. 

This conversation followed:

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes (says through the coughing fit)
Me: Maybe you should go back to swallowing school
Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

I have failed, gentlemen.

 

Edited by The Ace of Aces

2 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

But what about the rest of us?

We just watched Zombieland 2. When it was over: "Wait, how many of these have there been?"

10 hours ago, Anastasis said:

"Can we talk for a second?  And you have to promise not to get mad, OK."

What did she do to the car?

10 hours ago, yoshi said:

My wife has kicked on the garbage disposal with every spoon in our house at least once.  I cannot find one freaking spoon that does have chewed up edges.  You can feel the jagged edges when you eat.  

save your sanity like I did

https://www.homedepot.com/p/DANCO-Disposal-Genie-Garbage-Disposal-Strainer-in-Black-10051/202196239

 

6 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

This goes in a “Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do” thread. 

This morning Mrs. Ace was drinking tea and did that coughing/can’t breath thing you do sometimes when it goes up your nose or whatever. 

This conversation followed:

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes (says through the coughing fit)
Me: Maybe you should go back to swallowing school
Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

I have failed, gentlemen.

 

she said you, not anyone else.

8 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

We just watched Zombieland 2. When it was over: "Wait, how many of these have there been?"

At least two. We know that. Were there more? I don't know. Seems like a fair question. 

Had good and bad today...

Good: Leaves a voicemail that starts, "Long story, but last part first..."

Bad: Goes to lunch with friend, texts me that they're at the Thai place, asks if I want her to bring me something. She knows I love Thai, knows I love spicy food, so yeah just pick me something. When she finally gets home, she has brought...Orange Chicken.


Been married 20 years, I have learned to be very specific on what I want her to bring me.

One time she brought me a hot dog from somewhere. I asked her if she thought I was 5.
14 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

This goes in a “Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do” thread. 

This morning Mrs. Ace was drinking tea and did that coughing/can’t breath thing you do sometimes when it goes up your nose or whatever. 

This conversation followed:

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes (says through the coughing fit)
Me: Maybe you should go back to swallowing school
Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

I have failed, gentlemen.

 

spacer.png

On 2/8/2020 at 12:55 AM, Grade of D as in David said:

s reactions GIF

 

It had been a long conversation already

13 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

We just watched Zombieland 2. When it was over: "Wait, how many of these have there been?"

To start with, you weren't watching Zombieland 2.  You were watching Zombieland Double Tap.  There is no 2 in the title.  So how is she supposed to know how many there were.  It was a legitimate question.  Also, why wasn't she in the kitchen making you a sammich instead of disrupting your movie enjoyment?

16 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

This goes in a “Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do” thread. 

This morning Mrs. Ace was drinking tea and did that coughing/can’t breath thing you do sometimes when it goes up your nose or whatever. 

This conversation followed:

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes (says through the coughing fit)
Me: Maybe you should go back to swallowing school
Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

I have failed, gentlemen.

 

Looks like you played the Queen of Spades in a game of hearts.  Tough trick.

 

username does not check out

20 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Looks like you played the Queen of Spades in a game of hearts.  Tough trick.

 

username does not check out

Well, I would say the Queen of Hearts really spayed him.


Been married 20 years, I have learned to be very specific on what I want her to bring me.

One time she brought me a hot dog from somewhere. I asked her if she thought I was 5.

Nothing wrong with a good hot dog. Why do you hate America?
20 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Nothing wrong with a good hot dog. Why do you hate America?

I assumed the problem was that she only brought him one hot dog. 

38 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I assumed the problem was that she only brought him one hot dog. 

It was attached to strap-on device.  He gave up the altar boy routine long ago.  

Wife admitted she was wrong for the 3rd time in 17 years.

Wife admitted she was wrong for the 3rd time in 17 years.
Did she say she was wrong about being wrong the other two times?
1 hour ago, Modessit said:
2 hours ago, Nivek said:
Wife admitted she was wrong for the 3rd time in 17 years.

Did she say she was wrong about being wrong the other two times?

Those have been Stalined from the record books.

2 hours ago, Nivek said:

Wife admitted she was wrong for the 3rd time in 17 years.

Careful, it’s probably a trap.

The wife is always ordering shit from Amazon and other sites. Yet when the packages get delivered she never collects them from the front porch. She will randomly ask me if I have seen a package she is expecting. Hey ding dong, open the front door or look on the app and see when it was delivered. I used to bring them in the house for her and she still wouldn't notice. One time I even let them pile up for a week hoping that she would figure it out. After 5 packages(one the size of a case of water) I tapped out. It was driving me crazy. I don't understand it. How do you not keep up with your shit? Yet let a porch pirate get it and we will have to call Lt. Kenda.

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