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One that just got a text from her husband who really needed an answer right away.

My wife is always sending me a text saying something like...

Her: "Can you pick up some creamer for my coffee? I'm out. "

(2 seconds later)

Me: "Ok. I'm at the store now. What flavor do you want?"

(5 minutes later)

Me: ???

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hello?

(5 minutes later)

I try calling 3 times.

Me: "I'm ready to checkout. You're not answering your phone."

(Finally I grab French Vanilla and checkout. I'm halfway home and then 30 minutes after her text...)

Her: "Sorry. Peppermint Mocha."

Me: "Too late now. I got you something else."


I would accuse you of fucking my wife, but she doesn’t drink coffee.
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1 hour ago, SuperSport said:

Sigh...two-tone black/white, probably with a light interior so it can show as much dirt and baby puke as possible.

Too bad. Those are the ones with the uncomfortable ride and electrical gremlins.  Poor luck, that. 

I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

1 hour ago, nnm said:

Way to stimulate the economy. Nothing says “I support my local mechanic” like a British car. Unless maybe an Italian or French car. 

No shit. I turn my own wrenches, but I'm a GM acolyte where everything works the same and parts are cheap/available. Price tag is one thing, but Euro maintenance costs scare the fuck out of me. And if you have to ask, blah blah blah...

28 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Too bad. Those are the ones with the uncomfortable ride and electrical gremlins.  Poor luck, that. 

Feel free to tell her, I'm sure she'll change her mind. I'll be here holding my breath.

20 minutes ago, wd40 said:

I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

Seems like an awful lot of rules just to get some shit from the store.

40 minutes ago, wd40 said:

simple, right?

For a 3 year old, sure.

For a wife? Not so much.

53 minutes ago, dingleberryswitzer said:

Sort of minor, but someone in my house put an air freshener right next to an open window.  Y'all guess who that was.

Is she trying to make the outside smell better?

Me: sooo dropping off my laundry with a friend because I dont have in hous e washer dryer and I dont want the Rona.

Her: Having someone else do your laundry is a red flag to me.

Me: That is a dumb ass train of thought. 

Me: still single in the pandemic 

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3 hours ago, dingleberryswitzer said:

Sort of minor, but someone in my house put an air freshener right next to an open window.  Y'all guess who that was.

She has just moved the air freshener outside to our patio because the smell was too strong inside.

Near an open window I could kind of understand because the fresh air might blow through it. But outside is just fantastic.

18 hours ago, luke duke said:

 


I would accuse you of fucking my wife

 

She's a wife.  Either she's not fucking anyone or she's simply not fucking you.

20 hours ago, wd40 said:

I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

Agreed. call for immediate response.  Texting/email is for whenever I feel like it.

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Not sure where to put this, but I just got my wife pretty good.

She had just posted a picture on Facebook of our youngest, on our bed, doing a Google Meet with some of his classmates.   The majority of her current FB friends are other teachers in the district and childhood friends from TN.  When she wasn't looking, I put a bottle of lube and a condom on the night stand, behind where my son was working.  I then hurried into the bedroom to let her know that the picture is great - especially with the lube and condom on the background.  She immediately looks at the night stand and sees the goods.  You should have heard her yell.  It was awesome. 

 

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Well we don’t have a Wives about to murder thread so I’ll just put this here. 
 

wife came in and asked me where the duct tape is. I answer and go about my business. 
10 minutes later I hear something going on in living room. Go in to look. She’s got trash bags laid out and is taping them together. 
 

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom. It was nice knowing you assholes. 

21 minutes ago, UT_OB1 said:

Well we don’t have a Wives about to murder thread so I’ll just put this here. 
 

wife came in and asked me where the duct tape is. I answer and go about my business. 
10 minutes later I hear something going on in living room. Go in to look. She’s got trash bags laid out and is taping them together. 
 

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom. It was nice knowing you assholes. 

Get yourself a handle of peanut butter whisky and keep us updated. 

27 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Pintrest Body bags

She is claiming it will be a water bag or slide, but I’m pretty sure you’re correct about it’s final use. 

30 minutes ago, UT_OB1 said:

She is claiming it will be a water bag or slide, but I’m pretty sure you’re correct about it’s final use. 

Honey?  Where do we keep the lye?  

Our house is on the side of a hill and has doors on the first and second floors to the outside. I told the wife I had an interview at 9:30 so please don't come down to the first floor till I tell you I'm done. She says no problem, and tells me to lock the door from the second to first floor to make sure the kids don't come downstairs.

9:50 she's unlocking the front door to come in to get something.

 

 

Checking in alive. 1 hour of work ironing and taping trash bags together, 5 minutes filling it with water, 30 seconds being underwhelmed while it leaks water. 
 

To be fair, she’s just trying to break up the monotony of staying at home. 

Checking in alive. 1 hour of work ironing and taping trash bags together, 5 minutes filling it with water, 30 seconds being underwhelmed while it leaks water. 
 
To be fair, she’s just trying to break up the monotony of staying at home. 
We are going to need pics and a little more details on the endeavor.
27 minutes ago, hullabelew said:
1 hour ago, UT_OB1 said:
Checking in alive. 1 hour of work ironing and taping trash bags together, 5 minutes filling it with water, 30 seconds being underwhelmed while it leaks water. 
 
To be fair, she’s just trying to break up the monotony of staying at home. 

We are going to need pics and a little more details on the endeavor.

not to mention a more accurate description on what the fuck she is using it for

5 minutes ago, AUS-97HORN said:

not to mention a more accurate description on what the fuck she is using it for

 

Well if a body bag isn't leak proof, it sure as hell isn't smell proof.

8 minutes ago, AUS-97HORN said:

not to mention a more accurate description on what the fuck she is using it for

Pinterest slip n slide

55 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Pinterest slip n slide

I think this is correct unless someone knows what the fuck a water mat (bag?) is. Also could have just been a trial run to make sure blood didn’t leak out. And hell no it isn’t inside. 

Edited by UT_OB1

1 hour ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Pinterest slip n slide my body bag

fixed for Billy Gibbons and OB1's wife

12 hours ago, UT_OB1 said:

Checking in alive. 1 hour of work ironing and taping trash bags together, 5 minutes filling it with water, 30 seconds being underwhelmed while it leaks water. 
 

To be fair, she’s just trying to break up the monotony of staying at home. 

water tank GIF

10 hours ago, wd40 said:

fixed for Billy Gibbons and OB1's wife

ZZ Top documentary on Netflix is awesome, btw. 

that's a bold statement.  I mean, it'll take a lot to tear me away from these Barney Miller episodes on youtube.

12 hours ago, UT_OB1 said:

I think this is correct unless someone knows what the fuck a water mat (bag?) is. Also could have just been a trial run to make sure blood didn’t leak out. And hell no it isn’t inside. 

She didn't want to go to the store to get a tub

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Not sure where to put this, but I just got my wife pretty good.
She had just posted a picture on Facebook of our youngest, on our bed, doing a Google Meet with some of his classmates.   The majority of her current FB friends are other teachers in the district and childhood friends from TN.  When she wasn't looking, I put a bottle of lube and a condom on the night stand, behind where my son was working.  I then hurried into the bedroom to let her know that the picture is great - especially with the lube and condom on the background.  She immediately looks at the night stand and sees the goods.  You should have heard her yell.  It was awesome. 
 


Condom? Wife?

Confused.
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8 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

Condom? Wife?

Confused.

 

Apparently he's not sponge worthy. 

4 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

water tank GIF

 

Off topic, but the original flex seal shit works. I dunno about sealing a screen door in a boat, but for stopping a minor leak or sealing something else, I was surprised it was actually worked really well. Enough that I now make sure to have a tube on hand.

 

46 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

 

Off topic, but the original flex seal shit works. I dunno about sealing a screen door in a boat, but for stopping a minor leak or sealing something else, I was surprised it was actually worked really well. Enough that I now make sure to have a tube on hand.

 

shooting star GIF

3 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

 


Condom? Wife?

Confused.

 

Absolutely no way I'm getting snipped.

2 minutes ago, Brothahorn said:


Husband looks like the H-E-B dork

And of course she is in a MLM selling bullshit and making no money.

5 hours ago, Johnny Sack said:

And of course she is in a MLM selling bullshit and making no money.

it's just a hobby.  I'm sure she does ok at The Ministry of Information

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On 3/27/2020 at 3:35 PM, blacklab said:

Our house is on the side of a hill and has doors on the first and second floors to the outside. I told the wife I had an interview at 9:30 so please don't come down to the first floor till I tell you I'm done. She says no problem, and tells me to lock the door from the second to first floor to make sure the kids don't come downstairs.

9:50 she's unlocking the front door to come in to get something.

 

 

Rage.

Stupid shit ex-wives do- I was painting the back porch steps and asked my then wife to please not let the dogs out and even explained why. 

First time she let them out to walk through wet paint I was exasperated, second time I was genuinely pissed, third time I just about lost my shit.  No, this is not what led to the divorce, but damn if that wasn't a sign I should have cut my losses.

LOL, was mowing the lawn last week and told her to leave the dogs inside.

5 minutes later the doggie door opens and they come running out to bark at the lawnmower. Not sure which they hate more, the lawnmower or the vacuum cleaner.

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