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3 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Yep @tbone_  Scotch Fucking Tape. 

And DDD.   Nope.  I just throw all of that other shit in the laundry room.  It is all hers anyway.  That container with all of the spatulas and shit in it?  Had to get that because both of those drawers are full of that shit.  I throw stuff away all of the time.  Don't make a fucking dent.  

She has a stack of books in the bedroom.....all the same category.   Subject?  How to declutter.  I shit you not.  

I'd encourage you to pick up some peanut butter whiskey.

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Wife doesn’t understand the concept of time. We have been together 14 years so I am used to it but it’s getting on my damn nerves to treat other people that way as we get older and everybody has kids and jobs and doesn’t have an hour to wait on people.

Yesterday we were supposed to be in San Antonio between 3-4 to take her 92 grandmother dinner. We live in the Westlake area. Grandma lives alone and is pretty independent but recently my wife’s mother passed so she is very needy and needs our attention and help.

Around noon I decide to get some yard work in. I tell her to be ready by 1:30 knowing she won’t be ready until 2:30 but we will still hit our window in SA. I come back inside the house around 1:45 to shower and get ready. She’s not there, she has decided she had time to go to Central Market. She gets back home at 3:15 and we don’t get to SA until 5. 
 

She acts like it is no big issue because grandma has no where to be but I could tell when we got there that she had been waiting for us for a couple of hours and was anxious. She’s 92.

4 hours ago, deadshank said:

...Words, words, words...

Gov. Hotwheels ...

...Words, words, words...

Good to know I'm not the only one using that terminology.

9 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Wait. Too much shit in the cabinet so just scotch tape it shut?

This is a metaphor for the marriage? 

12 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Wait. Too much shit in the cabinet so just scotch tape it shut?

when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?

14 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

Don't forget the $150 HEB receipt.  My wife can spend $200 at HEB and not have three items that can be put together to make one meal.

So fucking true. I can't tell you the number of times she's "stopped at the store to pick up something for dinner" and the bill is 100+. That's a pretty nice meal out with zero effort.

8 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Nature abhors a vacuum; women abhor empty horizontal surfaces.

Whenever we remodeled the kitchen, she bought some blue Flour/Sugar/Tea canisters for the counter.  The lids don't fit or seal, so they are empty.  Is that where we keep the flour/sugar/tea?  No you fucking idiot.  We keep that in the canisters in the center island. Why don't we just keep those canisters on the counter where they are easy to get to and you don't have to put new tape on the door?  Because the blue ones are so pretty.  

 

13 hours ago, deadshank said:

 

I'm sitting in my office this morning and she calls and asks if I'm going back to deer lease again this weekend.  Of course, I am; I've got to kill George Dickel.   Now it seems her younger sister wants that bracelet and can I stop and pick it up for her.

Holy moley. Wow.

Bravo Brother @deadshank  When this thread was initially created, this kind of bullshit is EXACTLY what I was imagining.  

13 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

Whenever we remodeled the kitchen, she bought some blue Flour/Sugar/Tea canisters for the counter.  The lids don't fit or seal, so they are empty.  Is that where we keep the flour/sugar/tea?  No you fucking idiot.  We keep that in the canisters in the center island. Why don't we just keep those canisters on the counter where they are easy to get to and you don't have to put new tape on the door?  Because the blue ones are so pretty.  

 

No one South of the Mason/Dixon puts flour/sugar in those things. Weevils and humidity. So they are just decorations (AKA Counter Space Hogs)

And then 1 week later half of it gets thrown out because the non-GMO/Vegan/Organic shit goes bad quickly

1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

Bravo Brother @deadshank  When this thread was initially created, this kind of bullshit is EXACTLY what I was imagining.  

Do you want to take my bet that the bracelet doesn't fit her younger sister either?  Want a piece of the action?

10 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Nature abhors a vacuum; women abhor empty horizontal surfaces.

this should be added to standard wedding vows.

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

And then 1 week later half of it gets thrown out because the non-GMO/Vegan/Organic shit goes bad quickly

My compost pile has to be one of the most expensive things I own.  Right now, a jicama is on the counter...day 13.  No idea what it was purchased for, but I imagine it will end up in the compost pile shortly.  

 

30 minutes ago, deadshank said:

Do you want to take my bet that the bracelet doesn't fit her younger sister either?  Want a piece of the action?

If it doesn't fit, I'll buy it from you.  

If a one size fits most item goes 0/3 on the women of your family, am I to presume an issue with the item or with the women?

37 minutes ago, strangulation! said:

Nature abhors a vacuum; women abhor empty horizontal surfaces.

This right here.  I swear, if I ever buy new furniture, I will not buy ANYTHING with a flat, level surface on it.

23 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

My compost pile has to be one of the most expensive things I own.  

Repped because I burst out laughing. So true.

18 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

Don't forget the $150 HEB receipt.  My wife can spend $200 at HEB and not have three items that can be put together to make one meal.

Sheesh you must have married my ex...no wait, I forgot, she's dead.

Srsly though, I nearly had a stroke when I found out that she was spending over $1k a month on makeup and that sort of thing.

1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

If it doesn't fit, I'll buy it from you.  

Why? Do you know like a big fat person?

18 hours ago, deadshank said:

There's a place I will stop into on the way to deer lease and pick up some inexpensive jewelry bedazzlements, baubles and beads for my bride if I feel like I need to brighten her day when I get back to Houston.  Call it a bribe or paying my penance. It works. Sometimes.

So, back during deer season, I stop and pick up a necklace I think she might like to add to her bountiful collection.  When I get home, I stride in and proudly present it to her.  She doesn't like it and says "oh, I'd rather have a bracelet."  No good deed goes unpunished.

The next weekend I'm passing through again on way back to the deer lease and stop in to trade the necklace for a bracelet she saw on their web-site.  I get the bracelet, go shoot Bambi, get home and present the bracelet.  It doesn't fit; too big.

I take the bracelet that is too big back to trade it in the very next weekend on the way to shoot more Bambis and they don't have a smaller-sized bracelet because it is a one-size-fits-all proposition.  Store credit only.  No bracelet for baby doll.

End of story you think?  

Oh, no, my friend.

The next weekend I go back to kill even more Bambis and I get a text.  "Can you get the bracelet again? My mom wants one."  So I get the same danged bracelet again but I ship it to MIL in NC per instructions.

Two weeks later the bracelet comes in mail from MIL in NC to Houston....it doesn't fit, too big.

Now CV-19 hits and the little shop where I buy this junk is closed up tight as a tick.  I'm still going back to deer lease just to hang around and kill Jim Beam because deer season is over.  So, I'm stuck with the bracelet until the joint opens back up after Gov. Hotwheels gives the all clear.

Finally, Gov. Hotwheels signs off on the all skate order and the place opens back up so I can take the cotton picking bracelet back.

Just this past Friday I'm on the way to the deer lease to do some shredding, mowing and kill Evan Williams and I stop to return the dang MIL version of the bracelet for store credit.

Done?  

Nope.

I'm sitting in my office this morning and she calls and asks if I'm going back to deer lease again this weekend.  Of course, I am; I've got to kill George Dickel.   Now it seems her younger sister wants that bracelet and can I stop and pick it up for her.

Holy moley. Wow.

Great story, but this is a humblebrag in some respects, as my wife wouldn’t be pacified with these trinkets after the second time or so.  It would quickly turn into “you go away every weekend and leave me home with the kids!” 

13 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

Great story, but this is a humblebrag in some respects, as my wife wouldn’t be pacified with these trinkets after the second time or so.  It would quickly turn into “you go away every weekend and leave me home with the kids!” 

The difference between you and me is that I’ve achieved just the right level of A-hole that she doesn’t mind if I’m gone. 

7 minutes ago, deadshank said:

The difference between you and me is that I’ve achieved just the right level of A-hole that she doesn’t mind if I’m gone. 

So she likes it when you're gone because she doesn't have to give up the pooper?

8 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

So she likes it when you're gone because she doesn't have to give up the pooper?

Oh, she's giving it up alright.

16 hours ago, LebongJames said:

Wife doesn’t understand the concept of time. We have been together 14 years so I am used to it but it’s getting on my damn nerves to treat other people that way as we get older and everybody has kids and jobs and doesn’t have an hour to wait on people.

Yesterday we were supposed to be in San Antonio between 3-4 to take her 92 grandmother dinner. We live in the Westlake area. Grandma lives alone and is pretty independent but recently my wife’s mother passed so she is very needy and needs our attention and help.

Around noon I decide to get some yard work in. I tell her to be ready by 1:30 knowing she won’t be ready until 2:30 but we will still hit our window in SA. I come back inside the house around 1:45 to shower and get ready. She’s not there, she has decided she had time to go to Central Market. She gets back home at 3:15 and we don’t get to SA until 5. 
 

She acts like it is no big issue because grandma has no where to be but I could tell when we got there that she had been waiting for us for a couple of hours and was anxious. She’s 92.

This is my Mother and Father in law. They have four grown kids plus two grandkids now, plus me. But when we make plans it feel like they still think of them as four young kids that they can just change times whenever. For instance, we have 1 year old who goes to sleep about seven. Twice in the last month we've made plans to eat dinner around 5 to give time to get home and get her to sleep. both times we didn't wind up eating until after 6. 

Edited by Jameslaw121

5 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Sheesh you must have married my ex...no wait, I forgot, she's dead.

Srsly though, I nearly had a stroke when I found out that she was spending over $1k a month on makeup and that sort of thing.

You killed her, didn't you?

Just now, TrashMaster G said:

You killed her, didn't you?

With God as my witness I........

8 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

But it's not even a meal. It's $100 worth of shit that isn't something that can be combined into a meal. 

Artichokes

Natural non-GMO Sugar (for what I'm not sure but it's a large bag and she doesn't bake)

Hummus  (no chips of any sort to dip it with)

Olive Oil from Corfu locals(a very expensive brand, nothing to cook it in)

Three types of fancy cheese from southern France  (no crackers or deli meats to eat with them nor can they be put on a burger or taco)

A gallon of fancy Native American free range cow milk (Nobody drinks milk or eats cereal with milk and she doesn't bake - I have no idea why this was purchased)

Fancy, Expensive Olives, indigenous Peruvian of course (I mean, we have parts or pieces of a great anti-pasta fixing but um... No meat)

Fruit, organic, locally grown non-GMO,  of course (purely for her own personal consumption while at work)

Mocchi (which I love but she doesn't get the flavor I like the most and she's defensive about me eating "hers")

Asparagus water (not really but you get the point)

$200 worth of shit because she has to shop at Whole Foods. 

I needed some ground meat to make tacos, per her request. 

Do you see tomatoes or salsa or anything for tacos? No, you don't.

(This is only a flashback to a time long ago, but it happened nearly exactly as written) 

Look at this guy, needing crackers or deli meat to eat cheese.  Excuse me, Duke BurntEyes

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Edited by Js1

10 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

If a one size fits most item goes 0/3 on the women of your family, am I to presume an issue with the item or with the women?

At least he reported that the bracelet's were too big.

...Vic has a sad.

You killed her, didn't you?

He pleads da FiF!

 

 https://youtu.be/ERm_WNxGs1U

12 hours ago, deadshank said:

Do you want to take my bet that the bracelet doesn't fit her younger sister either?  Want a piece of the action?

Not going to lie, this seems like a dickhead way to treat a small business.

14 hours ago, deadshank said:

Do you want to take my bet that the bracelet doesn't fit her younger sister either?  Want a piece of the action?

Tell her it's an ankle bracelet if she says it's too big for her wrist.

 

PS are we sure it's not actually an ankle bracelet?

Edited by Grade of D as in David
PS.

14 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

With God as my witness I........

thought turkeys could fly?

9 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Full version:

 

Dave harmonizing with the water glass makes me laugh my ass off every time.

 

On 6/1/2020 at 6:58 PM, deadshank said:

There's a place I will stop into on the way to deer lease and pick up some inexpensive jewelry bedazzlements, baubles and beads for my bride if I feel like I need to brighten her day when I get back to Houston.  Call it a bribe or paying my penance. It works. Sometimes.

So, back during deer season, I stop and pick up a necklace I think she might like to add to her bountiful collection.  When I get home, I stride in and proudly present it to her.  She doesn't like it and says "oh, I'd rather have a bracelet."  No good deed goes unpunished.

The next weekend I'm passing through again on way back to the deer lease and stop in to trade the necklace for a bracelet she saw on their web-site.  I get the bracelet, go shoot Bambi, get home and present the bracelet.  It doesn't fit; too big.

I take the bracelet that is too big back to trade it in the very next weekend on the way to shoot more Bambis and they don't have a smaller-sized bracelet because it is a one-size-fits-all proposition.  Store credit only.  No bracelet for baby doll.

End of story you think?  

Oh, no, my friend.

The next weekend I go back to kill even more Bambis and I get a text.  "Can you get the bracelet again? My mom wants one."  So I get the same danged bracelet again but I ship it to MIL in NC per instructions.

Two weeks later the bracelet comes in mail from MIL in NC to Houston....it doesn't fit, too big.

Now CV-19 hits and the little shop where I buy this junk is closed up tight as a tick.  I'm still going back to deer lease just to hang around and kill Jim Beam because deer season is over.  So, I'm stuck with the bracelet until the joint opens back up after Gov. Hotwheels gives the all clear.

Finally, Gov. Hotwheels signs off on the all skate order and the place opens back up so I can take the cotton picking bracelet back.

Just this past Friday I'm on the way to the deer lease to do some shredding, mowing and kill Evan Williams and I stop to return the dang MIL version of the bracelet for store credit.

Done?  

Nope.

I'm sitting in my office this morning and she calls and asks if I'm going back to deer lease again this weekend.  Of course, I am; I've got to kill George Dickel.   Now it seems her younger sister wants that bracelet and can I stop and pick it up for her.

Holy moley. Wow.

Sending you to the deer lease extra times? She's getting you out of the way for her backdoor man. 

On 6/1/2020 at 7:27 PM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

deadshank, you are an idiot to do all that my man.

fif surly

12 hours ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

Sending you to the deer lease extra times? She's getting you out of the way for her backdoor man. 

Well, I'm trying to speed the process along.  When said backdoor man takes over fiscal responsibility for her I'm gonna get drunk and dance a jig that will scare women and children and start fights in Wyoming bars. 

25 minutes ago, deadshank said:

Well, I'm trying to speed the process along.  When said backdoor man takes over fiscal responsibility for her I'm gonna get drunk and dance a jig that will scare women and children and start fights in Wyoming bars. 

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. 

Backdoor man or not, do you know how much money it takes to get a divorce?  All of it. 

1 hour ago, nnm said:

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. 

Backdoor man or not, do you know how much money it takes to get a divorce?  All of it. 

Stop harshing his mellow, man.  We are in this together!  

5 hours ago, nnm said:

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. 

Backdoor man or not, do you know how much money it takes to get a divorce?  All of it. 

Believe me when I tell you that @deadshank is smarter than 99.42235% of us Shaggers² & he sure as hell has all of this "figgered out" 5 steps ahead of her.

6 hours ago, deadshank said:

Well, I'm trying to speed the process along.  When said backdoor man takes over fiscal responsibility for her I'm gonna get drunk and dance a jig that will scare women and children and start fights in Wyoming bars. 

Just say when

  • Popular Post

We have been rolling as of late here at Casa de Hulla.  Wife is painting the bedroom.  I BEGGED her to just pay someone to it.  FUCK HGTV.

She asked me for help calculating much paint will be needed.   Her numbers weren't coming out in the online calculator.  

Her:  I have these measurements.   This stupid thing isn't working.  I input the numbers. The room is 12'5" by 18'31".
Me:  18 feet, 31 inches?  
Her:  Yes.
Me:  Why 31 inches?  Was the tape measure only 18 ft long?  
Her:  Yep.  How did you know? 

18 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

We have been rolling as of late here at Casa de Hulla.  Wife is painting the bedroom.  I BEGGED her to just pay someone to it.  FUCK HGTV.

She asked me for help calculating much paint will be needed.   Her numbers weren't coming out in the online calculator.  

Her:  I have these measurements.   This stupid thing isn't working.  I input the numbers. The room is 12'5" by 18'31".
Me:  18 feet, 31 inches?  
Her:  Yes.
Me:  Why 31 inches?  Was the tape measure only 18 ft long?  
Her:  Yep.  How did you know? 

spacer.png

so the son's school is starting summer workouts on Monday and as you might guess the district has a laundry list of policies and procedures that must be followed.One of the rules is the school cannot provide water and kids must bring their own, at least a gallon every day. One of her friends who has a kid going to the same stuff texts her a picture of some Rtic or some shit and asks her if she wants her to grab her one... wife says "No way I'm spending $42 on one of those things"

She is now off to the store to come up with her own solution...there is not a chance in hell this ends well, or with a cost of <$42... 

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