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I was reminded today of how easy it is to move a piece of furniture with another guy. If you say "turn", the other guy knows exactly which way and how far to turn. It is not as easy with a wife. 

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Watching Moana with the kids reminded of this today so figured I’d share. A little long so sorry in advance.
Years ago we were in Mexico and I pointed out some coconut trees near our room.  Later that night the wife told me that she didn’t think they were coconuts because they were green and not brown.  I told her that I was pretty sure they were (knowing I was right) but dropped it since we were on vacation.
The only problem was that she was sure I was wrong and mentioned it every time we passed the trees (which was multiple times a day).  I basically was just giving noncommittal responses and it really started to irritate her, so she started asking random staff/guests who all agreed that it was indeed a coconut tree.
After a few days she blew up at me and showed me a picture of a ‘brown coconut’ she found online, so I finally pulled up a video of people husking coconuts and explained how the ‘brown’ is inside the green husk.
She was very upset by this turn of events and went from being mad at me for not telling her this before she made a fool of herself asking everyone about the tree, and jumping back into denial stating that we still didn’t know that it was a coconut tree because we hadn’t seen proof that a ‘brown coconut’ was inside.
On our last day she found a ‘green coconut’ that fell out of a tree and spent nearly 20 minutes trying to open it before telling me I needed to open it for her.  I told her no, that it was a big pain in the ass and that I was done with all of this.  She pouted but eventually relented because we had a nice dinner planned that night and still had to pack up for the trip home.
Going through customs on the way back guess what was in one of our bags that she conveniently forgot to declare causing us to miss our connecting flight home?


She sounds hot.

& By "hot", you mean somebody, somewhere is tired of putting up with her shit.

45 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

Not as easy? How about damn near impossible. 

I usually shy away from the whole "Men are more spatially-aware than women" thing, but it may be right. Or maybe it's just years of playing Tetris taught us how to move shapes to fit.

The wife and I went to the local outlet mall so she could get a new "work bag" to go along with her dozen others. I wound up getting a couple of pairs of shoes, she got her bag. As we drove home she said "See? this trip was profitable for both of us!". I explained that no, we didn't profit at all, we actually lost money. She was too happy about her bag to care what I said. Win/win, I guess.

12 minutes ago, Sandman said:

The wife and I went to the local outlet mall so she could get a new "work bag" to go along with her dozen others. I wound up getting a couple of pairs of shoes, she got her bag. As we drove home she said "See? this trip was profitable for both of us!". I explained that no, we didn't profit at all, we actually lost money. She was too happy about her bag to care what I said. Win/win, I guess.

I don't think I've ever bought 2 pairs of shoes in the same 3 month period 

27 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

I don't think I've ever bought 2 pairs of shoes in the same 3 month period 

Yeah, I'm a sneakerhead. I buy shoes all the time. 

The wife and I went to the local outlet mall so she could get a new "work bag" to go along with her dozen others. I wound up getting a couple of pairs of shoes, she got her bag. As we drove home she said "See? this trip was profitable for both of us!". I explained that no, we didn't profit at all, we actually lost money. She was too happy about her bag to care what I said. Win/win, I guess.

Wait, you went to an outlet mall without a gun to your head?
7 hours ago, tbone_ said:


Wait, you went to an outlet mall without a gun to your head?

It's a trade-off. My wife has gone with me on road trips to buy old car parts, went to gun shows and gun stores, etc. Going to the mall is the least I can do. I get laid a lot as well, so I think my current system is working.

19 hours ago, TKthunder2 said:

Watching Moana with the kids reminded of this today so figured I’d share. A little long so sorry in advance.

Years ago we were in Mexico and I pointed out some coconut trees near our room.  Later that night the wife told me that she didn’t think they were coconuts because they were green and not brown.  I told her that I was pretty sure they were (knowing I was right) but dropped it since we were on vacation.

The only problem was that she was sure I was wrong and mentioned it every time we passed the trees (which was multiple times a day).  I basically was just giving noncommittal responses and it really started to irritate her, so she started asking random staff/guests who all agreed that it was indeed a coconut tree.

After a few days she blew up at me and showed me a picture of a ‘brown coconut’ she found online, so I finally pulled up a video of people husking coconuts and explained how the ‘brown’ is inside the green husk.

She was very upset by this turn of events and went from being mad at me for not telling her this before she made a fool of herself asking everyone about the tree, and jumping back into denial stating that we still didn’t know that it was a coconut tree because we hadn’t seen proof that a ‘brown coconut’ was inside.

On our last day she found a ‘green coconut’ that fell out of a tree and spent nearly 20 minutes trying to open it before telling me I needed to open it for her.  I told her no, that it was a big pain in the ass and that I was done with all of this.  She pouted but eventually relented because we had a nice dinner planned that night and still had to pack up for the trip home.

Going through customs on the way back guess what was in one of our bags that she conveniently forgot to declare causing us to miss our connecting flight home?

Awesome!

It's a trade-off. My wife has gone with me on road trips to buy old car parts, went to gun shows and gun stores, etc. Going to the mall is the least I can do. I get laid a lot as well, so I think my current system is working.

Seems fair. Carry on.
21 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

@TKthunder2     bet you wished you had just husked the green one to shut her up.... 

Fixed it.

  • Popular Post

Yesterday we kinda did our fathers day with both our parents since there is too much going on on the actual day. I smoked a chuck eye roast, my dad requested onions and peppers. Her parents are vegetarian and asked if I could cook some egg plant for them. No problem. And as always, I cook way to much food. Had about 2 lbs of smoked meat, a pretty large container of the peppers and onions left. As well as a bunch of egg plant.

This morning I asked my wife to get me some leftovers to take to work while I get the two kids ready to go. 

Guess who is apparently only having left over egg plant for lunch......

  • Popular Post

Checked out Space Force and it reminded me of a nugget from the past:

Wife:  (la dee da voice) Saw someone famous today.

Me: Oh yeah, who?

Wife:  Can't remember his name.  He was in that weird movie awhile back, something like Looking for John Malkovich, or something.

Me: That would be Being John Malkovich.

Wife:  Whatever.

Me:   The name you're looking for is John Cusack.

Wife.  (thinks about it, shakes her head) No, not him, the other guy.

Me: (long pause) John Malkovich?

Wife:  Haha, yeah, him! (Goes on about her day as if that was normal)

 

On 6/12/2020 at 6:30 AM, UT_OB1 said:

But you don't understand.  See there are conditions where even if you never eat any food your body just can't lose weight.  That condition effects approximately 1 in a billion, and she has a mild form of it.  So it doesn't matter how much she 'diets.'  She needs cobalt powder from the acupuncturist, fecal injections from someone who is sort of a licensed doctor in Dallas, and sublingual vitamin D.  

Guy in Spain, does this toad venom ritual. 

8 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

Checked out Space Force and it reminded me of a nugget from the past:

Wife:  (la dee da voice) Saw someone famous today.

Me: Oh yeah, who?

Wife:  Can't remember his name.  He was in that weird movie awhile back, something like Looking for John Malkovich, or something.

Me: That would be Being John Malkovich.

Wife:  Whatever.

Me:   The name you're looking for is John Cusack.

Wife.  (thinks about it, shakes her head) No, not him, the other guy.

Me: (long pause) John Malkovich?

Wife:  Haha, yeah, him! (Goes on about her day as if that was normal)

 

Congrats on her being hot as fuck

9 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

Checked out Space Force and it reminded me of a nugget from the past:

Wife:  (la dee da voice) Saw someone famous today.

Me: Oh yeah, who?

Wife:  Can't remember his name.  He was in that weird movie awhile back, something like Looking for John Malkovich, or something.

Me: That would be Being John Malkovich.

Wife:  Whatever.

Me:   The name you're looking for is John Cusack.

Wife.  (thinks about it, shakes her head) No, not him, the other guy.

Me: (long pause) John Malkovich?

Wife:  Haha, yeah, him! (Goes on about her day as if that was normal)

 

Narrator:. For a woman/wife, it is.

Checked out Space Force and it reminded me of a nugget from the past:
Wife:  (la dee da voice) Saw someone famous today.
Me: Oh yeah, who?
Wife:  Can't remember his name.  He was in that weird movie awhile back, something like Looking for John Malkovich, or something.
Me: That would be Being John Malkovich.
Wife:  Whatever.
Me:   The name you're looking for is John Cusack.
Wife.  (thinks about it, shakes her head) No, not him, the other guy.
Me: (long pause) John Malkovich?
Wife:  Haha, yeah, him! (Goes on about her day as if that was normal)
 

My first guess would have been Matt Bullards brother
19 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Guess who is apparently only having left over egg plant getting hot wings takeout for lunch......

Fixed it.

We recently got a hot tub and my dog keeps pissing on the side of it and it's making me angry. I go out with him when I can and try to keep him away but obviously, I'm not around for all of his outdoor trips. I always spray the tub off after I catch him doing it. My wife decided to add some water to the tub and in true wifely fashion, she just ditched the hose right there at the foot of the tub, instead of rolling it back up on the hose roller that she insisted on buying. Today the dog pissed on the tub and the hose that was laying next to the tub. She left right before it happened, so I texted her about it. No response yet.

Still waiting for a female to explain why they just drop shit on the spot when they're done with it. My wife and 2 daughters do the same thing. I find random stuff all over because they can't put anything back from where it came.

16 minutes ago, Sandman said:

We recently got a hot tub and my dog keeps pissing on the side of it and it's making me angry. I go out with him when I can and try to keep him away but obviously, I'm not around for all of his outdoor trips. I always spray the tub off after I catch him doing it. My wife decided to add some water to the tub and in true wifely fashion, she just ditched the hose right there at the foot of the tub, instead of rolling it back up on the hose roller that she insisted on buying. Today the dog pissed on the tub and the hose that was laying next to the tub. She left right before it happened, so I texted her about it. No response yet.

Still waiting for a female to explain why they just drop shit on the spot when they're done with it. My wife and 2 daughters do the same thing. I find random stuff all over because they can't put anything back from where it came.

Just rig up a shock wire and he’ll only piss on it one more time. 

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Assert dominance. Piss on wife and dog.

I've tried, she's not going for it.

1 minute ago, Sandman said:

I've tried, she's not going for it.

That's not very assertive or dominant of you.

Which one of you has their wife trying to change lanes in the bank drive through right now?  Apparently she wants to be in front of me because the lane I’m in seems to her to be moving faster.  She’s got her blinker on and trying to wedge in.  

not gonna happen

unreal

  • Popular Post
Still waiting for a female to explain why they just drop shit on the spot when they're done with it. My wife and 2 daughters do the same thing. I find random stuff all over because they can't put anything back from where it came.


Honestly I have the opposite problem, the wife wants everything put away at all times.  The problem is that she puts shit in the most random places.

A week ago:

me-“Where is that new tape measure?”

wife-“I don’t know, why are you asking me?”

today:
e951a868ddb7b3d6ad92a8be2e590443.jpg
  • Popular Post

You should have known to check the stirring and measuring drawer.  Your fault.

Edited by PhillyD

Both working from home and keeping the sixteen month old home from daycare...there have never been more dishes used in this house in our entire lives.  I'm constantly doing dishes and run the dishwasher at least once a day.  (I know, I know...she should be running once a day anyway.)  But she just never stops making it worse.  The kid is eating real food these days, but needs it all cut up into bite size pieces.  I get it, no problem.

This morning she used a roughly 7" chef's knife to cut up a microwaved waffle for the kid.  Both cutting board and knife have been sitting on the kitchen island since 8am.  Neither seem particularly dirty.  Lunch comes around and she then apparently pulled out a 9" carving knife (like we would use on Thanksgiving) and a whole new cutting board to cut up the kid's turkey sandwich.  They are both now sitting next to the previously barely used knife and cutting board.  WTF? Can she not see them? Did it need a whole new giant knife? Is it physically impossible for her to clean these and put them away when she's done? I just don't understand.


Still waiting for a female to explain why they just drop shit on the spot when they're done with it. My wife and 2 daughters do the same thing. I find random stuff all over because they can't put anything back from where it came.

You uh, you new to how this all works? This is standard for all wives and kids.
Which one of you has their wife trying to change lanes in the bank drive through right now?  Apparently she wants to be in front of me because the lane I’m in seems to her to be moving faster.  She’s got her blinker on and trying to wedge in.  

not gonna happen
unreal

Wish there was a video to this
3 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

when you have all the pussy, you can be as lazy as you want to.

*All the pussy and half the money

Both working from home and keeping the sixteen month old home from daycare...there have never been more dishes used in this house in our entire lives.  I'm constantly doing dishes and run the dishwasher at least once a day.  (I know, I know...she should be running once a day anyway.)  But she just never stops making it worse.  The kid is eating real food these days, but needs it all cut up into bite size pieces.  I get it, no problem.
This morning she used a roughly 7" chef's knife to cut up a microwaved waffle for the kid.  Both cutting board and knife have been sitting on the kitchen island since 8am.  Neither seem particularly dirty.  Lunch comes around and she then apparently pulled out a 9" carving knife (like we would use on Thanksgiving) and a whole new cutting board to cut up the kid's turkey sandwich.  They are both now sitting next to the previously barely used knife and cutting board.  WTF? Can she not see them? Did it need a whole new giant knife? Is it physically impossible for her to clean these and put them away when she's done? I just don't understand.

I feel your pain. She won’t use multiple boards, but she’ll make a salad or something with multiple ingredients and NOTHING is put away or cleaned for hours (dirty cutting board, dirty knife, package of lettuce, half used cucumber, half cut bell pepper, salad dressing bottle, salt, pepper). Boggles my mind. It’s like she thinks the salad will go bad if she took one minute to put the ingredients away.
20 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

Both working from home and keeping the sixteen month old home from daycare...there have never been more dishes used in this house in our entire lives.  I'm constantly doing dishes and run the dishwasher at least once a day.  (I know, I know...she should be running once a day anyway.)  But she just never stops making it worse.  The kid is eating real food these days, but needs it all cut up into bite size pieces.  I get it, no problem.

This morning she used a roughly 7" chef's knife to cut up a microwaved waffle for the kid.  Both cutting board and knife have been sitting on the kitchen island since 8am.  Neither seem particularly dirty.  Lunch comes around and she then apparently pulled out a 9" carving knife (like we would use on Thanksgiving) and a whole new cutting board to cut up the kid's turkey sandwich.  They are both now sitting next to the previously barely used knife and cutting board.  WTF? Can she not see them? Did it need a whole new giant knife? Is it physically impossible for her to clean these and put them away when she's done? I just don't understand.

 

1 hour ago, Jimbaround said:


I feel your pain. She won’t use multiple boards, but she’ll make a salad or something with multiple ingredients and NOTHING is put away or cleaned for hours (dirty cutting board, dirty knife, package of lettuce, half used cucumber, half cut bell pepper, salad dressing bottle, salt, pepper). Boggles my mind. It’s like she thinks the salad will go bad if she took one minute to put the ingredients away.

Why did  you two meatheads marry the guys on my deer lease?

On 6/17/2020 at 9:47 AM, deadshank said:

 

Why did  you two meatheads marry the guys on my deer lease?

Well, he does make a great salad.

Edited by Jimbaround

Wife via text at the store: I can't understand why there is such a shortage on TP & paper towels!

Me: Because people messed up the supply chain when they hoarded 3 months of supply in 2 weeks. Are we out of TP or paper towels?

Her: No. But I'm thinking of getting some if I see them anywhere just in case. 

Me: So you are hoarding.

Her: Tone. 

I knew all along it was a woman tissue issue, was there any doubt really?

Edited by mulletpelini
I mean, who thinks like that?

  • Popular Post

Wife bought some garden stakes for the tomato plants. We go out there today and I look at them and see the end that is up has a pointed tip. 
hey hon, are these pointed on both ends or did you push the flat end into the dirt?

they were not pointed at both ends. 

Just pressure washed the back deck with the wife helping and made the mistake of pointing at a spot for her to get when she had the wand. Got the back part of my index finger grazed by the water and now it stings like a motherfucker. Didn’t break the skin too much, but I immediately realized this would have to be filed under stupid shit husbands do. 

Wife via text at the store: I can't understand why there is such a shortage on TP & paper towels!
Me: Because people messed up the supply chain when they hoarded 3 months of supply in 2 weeks. Are we out of TP or paper towels?
Her: No. But I'm thinking of getting some if I see them anywhere just in case. 
Me: So you are hoarding.
Her: Tone. 

I haven’t boughten TP in months and it feels great. Still have 2 charmin ultra soft 24 pack 2x 48 rolls super packs left. May be good until October
39 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

Just pressure washed the back deck with the wife helping and made the mistake of pointing at a spot for her to get when she had the wand. Got the back part of my index finger grazed by the water and now it stings like a motherfucker. Didn’t break the skin too much, but I immediately realized this would have to be filed under stupid shit husbands do. 

The stupid thing was handing her the wand, not the pointing. 

Just pressure washed the back deck with the wife helping and made the mistake of pointing at a spot for her to get when she had the wand. Got the back part of my index finger grazed by the water and now it stings like a motherfucker. Didn’t break the skin too much, but I immediately realized this would have to be filed under stupid shit husbands do. 

Yep you’re fault. Those hurt
2 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


I haven’t boughten TP in months and it feels great. Still have 2 charmin ultra soft 24 pack 2x 48 rolls super packs left. May be good until October

Boughten???

4 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


Yep you’re fault. Those hurt

Ur

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