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43 minutes ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Mrs. Ponderer sings ridiculous songs 24/7/365. She makes up voices for the animals, and does stand-up routines that just leave me in stitches.

But this morning, she put an ear-worm in my head that won't fucking go away.

Goddammit.

Thanks for sharing that, asshole.  Earworm indeed.

 

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Some stupid shit my wife said a couple years ago...

Jhawkmvp wife: Hon, what would you do if I gave away the dogs without telling you?

Jayhawkmvp: I'd be getting a new bitch the next day.

Jhawkmp wife: You'd get a new dog?

Jhawkmvp: No, first I would try to get the dogs back and then I'd be getting a new girlfriend because our asses would be getting a divorce.

Jayhawkmvp wife: The dogs are more important than me?

Jayhawkmvp: No, but if you gave away my dogs without talking to me first it would show you don't give two shits for my feelings. So why stay married to someone who would do that to someone they supposedly love?  If I had to get rid of them for some reason, I won't do it until I know they would have a good home. You have a responsibility to pets like you do to children. You don't abandon them.

My wife is usually great and was probably just asking a stupid what if; however, I needed to let her know there are some lines you just don't cross if you want to keep your marriage.You never mess with a man's dogs.

Man's been married to a drunk for a long time.  He'll laugh at this in hindsight, once he's free.

Never married her, thank God, but had a long term GF who was a fall down drunk. Just embarrassing on the reg... had zero control of her emotions and would hit the bottle at the slightest hint of trouble/ challenge.

If it wasn’t for the endless perks it would have been an easy decision, but damn I do love courtside seats...
On 8/25/2020 at 9:47 AM, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

It will push the cork out.

Wait what are we talking about?

11 hours ago, Party_Taco said:


Never married her, thank God, but had a long term GF who was a fall down drunk. Just embarrassing on the reg... had zero control of her emotions and would hit the bottle at the slightest hint of trouble/ challenge.

If it wasn’t for the endless perks it would have been an easy decision, but damn I do love courtside seats...

...and back door entrances... 

23 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Mrs. Ponderer sings ridiculous songs 24/7/365. She makes up voices for the animals, and does stand-up routines that just leave me in stitches.

But this morning, she put an ear-worm in my head that won't fucking go away.

Goddammit.

Thank God for my tinnitus.

Anyone else’s wife got a handbag delivered to the house and told it was a “Vegan Leather Handbag?”  
 

giphy.gif?cid=4d1e4f295vu3tktwmkgsx59p68

giphy.gif?cid=4d1e4f29e2wuku0i5i5cpi8h3r

Me:  So it’s fake...

Her: No, it’s Vegan Leather!!

me:  ☝️
 

 

granted, she is 8 months pregnant... but fuck 

8 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

Is that like gluten free mineral water ?

giphy.gif?cid=4d1e4f293c0f4dqy2sp6v0dic4


 
 
granted, she is 8 months pregnant... butt fuck 


I’m almost 40 and never knew you could get pregnant doing that.

She is not burdened by logic . . . 

Her (furiously texting/loud sigh/endless exasperation):  Forget it.  It's easier just to call her.

Me:  Who?

Her:  [Some friend].  I don't know why I'm telling you.  You never tell me who you are texting.

Me:  You just asked me when we were out on the patio 20 minutes ago who I was texting.  I told you it was the boys and we were coordinating the fantasy draft.

Her:  But I had to ask you.

Me:  ?????

Edited by Upgrayedd
Before you assholes notice

1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

 


I’m almost 40 and never knew you could get pregnant doing that.

 

Not if you do it in a hot tub.

3 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Me:  So it’s fake...

Her: No, it’s Vegan Leather!!

me:  ☝️

The finest Corinthian leather.

Me:  So it’s fake...
Her: No, it’s Vegan Leather!!
me:  [emoji121]️
 
 
granted, she is 8 months pregnant... but fuck 
The cows were Vegan.
On 8/31/2020 at 8:18 PM, Jhawkmvp said:

Some stupid shit my wife said a couple years ago...

Jhawkmvp wife: Hon, what would you do if I gave away the dogs without telling you?

Jayhawkmvp: I'd be getting a new bitch the next day.

Jhawkmp wife: You'd get a new dog?

Jhawkmvp: No, first I would try to get the dogs back and then I'd be getting a new girlfriend because our asses would be getting a divorce.

Jayhawkmvp wife: The dogs are more important than me?

Jayhawkmvp: No, but if you gave away my dogs without talking to me first it would show you don't give two shits for my feelings. So why stay married to someone who would do that to someone they supposedly love?  If I had to get rid of them for some reason, I won't do it until I know they would have a good home. You have a responsibility to pets like you do to children. You don't abandon them.

My wife is usually great and was probably just asking a stupid what if; however, I needed to let her know there are some lines you just don't cross if you want to keep your marriage.You never mess with a man's dogs.

I got news for you.  Her boyfriend is a cat person. 

2 hours ago, Modessit said:
11 hours ago, Trey3216 said:
Me:  So it’s fake...
Her: No, it’s Vegan Leather!!
me:  emoji121.png
 
 
granted, she is 8 months pregnant... but fuck 

The cows were Vegan.

jimmy fallon lol GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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Another good one from last night.  

Taco truck night at the temporary SD abode.  We are walking out the door to walk up to the location.

Me:  Let's take the dogs.

Her:  [Referring to her shit-assed-bark-machine] Let's not.  He's an asshole around people (he's not).

Me: It'll be fine.  If he starts acting up, we'll just move.

Her: You always disagree with everything I say.

Me:  Always?  I disagree sometimes, but not all the time.  I'm not allowed to have a different opinion?

Her:  It's everything.  Everything I say.

Me:  I think you are exaggerating.

Her:  Oh ya?  You should keep track then.

Me:  Ok, I will.

Me:  That's one for one.

Her:  ???????

Me:  One for one.  You suggested I keep track and I agreed.  One for one.  Batting 1,000.

Her:  Asshole.

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26 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

Another good one from last night.  

Taco truck night at the temporary SD abode.  We are walking out the door to walk up to the location.

Me:  Let's take the dogs.

Her:  [Referring to her shit-assed-bark-machine] Let's not.  He's an asshole around people (he's not).

Me: It'll be fine.  If he starts acting up, we'll just move.

Her: You always disagree with everything I say.

Me:  Always?  I disagree sometimes, but not all the time.  I'm not allowed to have a different opinion?

Her:  It's everything.  Everything I say.

Me:  I think you are exaggerating.

Her:  Oh ya?  You should keep track then.

Me:  Ok, I will.

Me:  That's one for one.

Her:  ???????

Me:  One for one.  You suggested I keep track and I agreed.  One for one.  Batting 1,000.

Her:  Asshole.

You:  Yes I am.  2 for 2.

36 minutes ago, You don't know me said:

You:  Yes I am.  2 for 2.

Crud.   I missed that hanging curve.  Next time.

5 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Crud.   I missed that hanging curve.  Next time.

That's a rookie-level mistake.

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If you don’t like me walking away while you’re still talking, perhaps you should learn to get to the point faster.

25 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

If you don’t like me walking away while you’re still talking, perhaps you should learn to get to the point faster.

let us know how that works out for you  

I don't know if this goes in the wives thread or the dogs thread, but my wife thought it would be cool to teach our dog how to close the door. She (the dog, not the wife) loves to play tug of war. So my wife ties a tug of war rope to the door to the backyard and gives the dog a treat when she pulls the door closed. It's a cute trick but this is the same door that the dog barks at when she wants to go outside to take a shit/piss.

You can guess what happens next... the dog now barks at the door for you to open it, takes one step outside and immediately pulls the door shut and then looks at you like, "Where's my treat motherfucker?" In the work from home environment, my makeshift office is next to said door. So the dog is now constantly barking at me to open the door for her. Clearly, I'm not going to put up with that shit for long, but now every time the dog barks my wife yells at me from her office (aka the dining room), "Let the dog out. She's going to piss on the floor." 

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11 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I don't know if this goes in the wives thread or the dogs thread, but my wife thought it would be cool to teach our dog how to close the door. She (the dog, not the wife) loves to play tug of war. So my wife ties a tug of war rope to the door to the backyard and gives the dog a treat when she pulls the door closed. It's a cute trick but this is the same door that the dog barks at when she wants to go outside to take a shit/piss.

You can guess what happens next... the dog now barks at the door for you to open it, takes one step outside and immediately pulls the door shut and then looks at you like, "Where's my treat motherfucker?" In the work from home environment, my makeshift office is next to said door. So the dog is now constantly barking at me to open the door for her. Clearly, I'm not going to put up with that shit for long, but now every time the dog barks my wife yells at me from her office (aka the dining room), "Let the dog out. She's going to piss on the floor." 

Sounds like she trained you to let the dog out.

We have a PornHub forum?
No, it means neither one of them fucks.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

Damn.  Screw Mrs Ponderer and my brain for the rest of the day.  What has been heard cannot be unheard.    

 

"He's the one they call Dr. Smells Good, he's the one that makes you smell all right!" [/Quote]

 

In case you forgot about it. Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The finest Corinthian leather.
fc135bb5aab208b74cda5a8e813bc9a3.jpg

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

We were fucking last night and she asked in the middle if she needed to put in a breathe mint. 

There is no right answer, gentlemen. 

2 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

We were fucking last night and she asked in the middle if she needed to put in a breathe mint. 

There is no right answer, gentlemen. 

Dick breath or ass breath?

13 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

Must have been a wife that had a fantasy about driving that ugly fucking car.

On an Island, perhaps?  

12 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

We were fucking last night and she asked in the middle if she needed to put in a breathe mint. 

There is no right answer, gentlemen. 

“Yes, in your ass” is the correct answer.

12 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

We were fucking last night and she asked in the middle if she needed to put in a breathe mint. 

There is no right answer, gentlemen. 

*breath

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Where did she want to put the breath mint?

The boring answer - in her mouth. She thought she had bad breath or something. 

On 9/2/2020 at 8:30 PM, Trey3216 said:

Me:  So it’s fake...

Her: No, it’s Vegan Leather!!

It's leather made from the skin of real vegans.

There's only a handful of tailors in the world who can fill an order for that stuff.

raw

We were discussing our tight financial situation and some much needed home repairs....

"Well, We'll just have to bite the bucket and get it done I guess."

  • Popular Post

Not really a "funny" thing, but Mrs CL and I had a disagreement last night about something benign - I think our 6th grader's bedtime was part of it. She came into my study looking for a fight, right in the middle of me and my college buddies' annual fantasy football auction draft.

I literally told her, "I don't have time to indulge you with a dumb fight right now. This can't be paused and I'm not going to get up from it. You're just going to have to be mad on your own."

She stood in the doorway for about 2-3 minutes just grimacing and glaring at me, then stomped off and apparently spent the night in the guest bedroom. 

I got up this morning and she was fine. She made coffee and was doing the breakfast dishes. I didn't bring it up and she didn't appear to hold a grudge. 

Just an example of one of the hardest things for most young guys to learn (at least it was hard for me to learn), that women don't need to be coddled and have their ass kissed every single time she's mad. Sometimes acting like you just don't care that she's mad works just fine. 

"Only time you should start worrying about a woman is when they stop bitching" 

-Lt. Col. Gordon Tall, U.S. Army, 1942

4 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Congrats on the best sleep you've ever had.

So you're saying he rubbed one out before falling asleep alone?

3 minutes ago, ABSR said:

So you're saying he rubbed one out before falling asleep alone?

Well,  yeah.

8 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Not really a "funny" thing, but Mrs CL and I had a disagreement last night about something benign - I think our 6th grader's bedtime was part of it. She came into my study looking for a fight, right in the middle of me and my college buddies' annual fantasy football auction draft.

I literally told her, "I don't have time to indulge you with a dumb fight right now. This can't be paused and I'm not going to get up from it. You're just going to have to be mad on your own."

She stood in the doorway for about 2-3 minutes just grimacing and glaring at me, then stomped off and apparently spent the night in the guest bedroom. 

I got up this morning and she was fine. She made coffee and was doing the breakfast dishes. I didn't bring it up and she didn't appear to hold a grudge. 

Just an example of one of the hardest things for most young guys to learn (at least it was hard for me to learn), that women don't need to be coddled and have their ass kissed every single time she's mad. Sometimes acting like you just don't care that she's mad works just fine. 

Apparently?

  • Popular Post
8 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Not really a "funny" thing, but Mrs CL and I had a disagreement last night about something benign - I think our 6th grader's bedtime was part of it. She came into my study looking for a fight, right in the middle of me and my college buddies' annual fantasy football auction draft.

I literally told her, "I don't have time to indulge you with a dumb fight right now. This can't be paused and I'm not going to get up from it. You're just going to have to be mad on your own."

She stood in the doorway for about 2-3 minutes just grimacing and glaring at me, then stomped off and apparently spent the night in the guest bedroom. 

I got up this morning and she was fine. She made coffee and was doing the breakfast dishes. I didn't bring it up and she didn't appear to hold a grudge. 

Just an example of one of the hardest things for most young guys to learn (at least it was hard for me to learn), that women don't need to be coddled and have their ass kissed every single time she's mad. Sometimes acting like you just don't care that she's mad works just fine. 

yep, I'm sure it's a done deal and you will never hear another peep about it for as long as you live

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