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Featured Replies

4 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

How is “safest” not the safest reply?

 

Edited by ABSR
Cruiser beat me to the response.

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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Our daughter is away at school, has a new boyfriend... I asked Trix if she knew if they were possibly coming down for dinner tonight.
Her: No, he's getting abducted into his fraternity this weekend.
Me: Abducted?
Her: Yeah. It seems early, don't they usually do that 2nd semester?

20 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

How is “safest” not the safest reply?

This chart goes to 11.

Edited by HornOnTheBayou

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Wife just texted me because she forgot what mailbox number we are. 

We are mailbox #2.

23 minutes ago, BradInATX said:

Wife just texted me because she forgot what mailbox number we are. 

We are mailbox #2.

Not sure why, but this one got me pretty good.  It's been said 1,314 times on this thread, but it's like we're all married to the same woman.

I ordered AirPod Pros today and Mrs. Ace asked if they are called Pro because a Genius Bar rep delivers and sets them up for you.

6 hours ago, BradInATX said:

Wife just texted me because she forgot what mailbox number we are. 

We are mailbox #2.

Did you text back the poop emoji?  It seems appropriate. 

On 10/9/2020 at 1:25 AM, Sam Lin said:

This is stupid shit I saw on FB, but it immediately made me think of this thread:

497525933_havesomewineFB.jpg.77fe93a69a12f058c0d5ba9331f80331.jpg

I'm an alcoholic but it's okay because I'm fun and get my nephews cool stuff that their parents would never get them

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I was in the doghouse for about an hour this morning because my wife had a dream in which I told her I had a dream I cheated on her.  Some sort of double negative in which something imaginary happened inside of something else imaginary meant I was in trouble.

inception GIF

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You aren’t truly married until you have had to apologize for something you did in her dream.

I was in the doghouse for about an hour this morning because my wife had a dream in which I told her I had a dream I cheated on her.  Some sort of double negative in which something imaginary happened inside of something else imaginary meant I was in trouble.
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So you got to drink your coffee in peace this morning and are complaining?
58 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

You aren’t truly married until you have had to apologize for something you did in her dream.

Oh that happens all the time.  At least once a month.  This was the first time I had to apologize for something she dreamed that I dreamed.

51 minutes ago, DCA_HORN said:
1 hour ago, Wiler77 said:
I was in the doghouse for about an hour this morning because my wife had a dream in which I told her I had a dream I cheated on her.  Some sort of double negative in which something imaginary happened inside of something else imaginary meant I was in trouble.
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So you got to drink your coffee in peace this morning and are complaining?

Who's complaining?  It actually got a good laugh out of me.  I'm just stating some stupid shit that went down.  

19 minutes ago, Wiler77 said:

Oh that happens all the time.  At least once a month.  This was the first time I had to apologize for something she dreamed that I dreamed.

tell her you had a dream that she did that thing that is normally reserved for your birthday and that other thing she used to do occasionally when you guys were dating and see what she says, and report back to us

when it has come up, I ask if I got off and that usually ends the conversation.

3 hours ago, Wiler77 said:

I was in the doghouse for about an hour this morning because my wife had a dream in which I told her I had a dream I cheated on her.  Some sort of double negative in which something imaginary happened inside of something else imaginary meant I was in trouble.

inception GIF

My (now ex-)wife once complained that in a dream she caught me cheating on her.  I acted all excited and asked "Who with?  Was she hot?  What were we doing?"  She got pissed but I never heard about another one of those dreams.

54 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

My (now ex-)wife once complained that in a dream she caught me cheating on her.  I acted all excited and asked "Who with?  Was she hot?  What were we doing?"  She got pissed but I never heard about another one of those dreams.

When they say they had a dream about you cheating, just say "me too!" with a big smile on your face and then start humming happily while you make your coffee. That will be the last time the topic is raised. 

3 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

tell her you had a dream that she did that thing that is normally reserved for your birthday and that other thing she used to do occasionally when you guys were dating and see what she says, and report back to us

 

1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

My (now ex-)wife once complained that in a dream she caught me cheating on her.  I acted all excited and asked "Who with?  Was she hot?  What were we doing?"  She got pissed but I never heard about another one of those dreams.

 

19 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

When they say they had a dream about you cheating, just say "me too!" with a big smile on your face and then start humming happily while you make your coffee. That will be the last time the topic is raised. 

Lulz, reminds of a situation several years back where I was dreaming about Cameron Diaz, and to top it off I do talk in my sleep.  Well, Mrs. Shooter woke me up wanting to know WTF is going on?  Fortunately I wasn't talking terribly clearly so she didn't get the gist of what was going on.  So I made up a story about how she and CD were best friends in my dream. Told her that CD had been kidnapped/lost or something and she demanded I go find/rescue her. I told her that the moaning and yelling was due to her assailant stabbing me.  She was still mad so I told her she was your damned friend and it was you who insisted that I go find her, so it's your fault dammit.

Never heard another word about it.

3 hours ago, Wiler77 said:

Oh that happens all the time.  At least once a month.  This was the first time I had to apologize for something she dreamed that I dreamed.

You're married to Michael Crabtree?

 

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2 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

 

 

Lulz, reminds of a situation several years back where I was dreaming about Cameron Diaz, and to top it off I do talk in my sleep.  Well, Mrs. Shooter woke me up wanting to know WTF is going on?  Fortunately I wasn't talking terribly clearly so she didn't get the gist of what was going on.  So I made up a story about how she and CD were best friends in my dream. Told her that CD had been kidnapped/lost or something and she demanded I go find/rescue her. I told her that the moaning and yelling was due to her assailant stabbing me.  She was still mad so I told her she was your damned friend and it was you who insisted that I go find her, so it's your fault dammit.

Never heard another word about it.

not yet anyway

5 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

not yet anyway

True... although after all this time I hope it's just mud under the bucket.

Edited by SHOOTER12

9 hours ago, Wiler77 said:

I was in the doghouse for about an hour this morning because my wife had a dream in which I told her I had a dream I cheated on her.  Some sort of double negative in which something imaginary happened inside of something else imaginary meant I was in trouble.

inception GIF

Mawaige!  The dweam wifin a dweam!

Wife just texted me because she forgot what mailbox number we are. 
We are mailbox #2.

Hits close to the soul . We’re nearly 2 years into our new home that has a numbered box. She’s probably gotten the mail less than 3 times total. She’d have no idea what our number was if I bit it this morning.

Ah well. Guess I should remind her now that I think of it

Me: “I set up the google hub so you can unlock the door now. You just at need to sa-“

her: -“I know how to work google. I don’t need youto to explain everything to me, I know just as much as you when it comes to voice commands and don’t need it ‘mansplained’! I’ll figure it out!”

me: “Oh... ok. I’m sorry, go ahead and do it.“

her: “ hey google................ DAMMIT!”

44 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:

Me: “I set up the google hub so you can unlock the door now. You just at need to sa-“

her: -“I know how to work google. I don’t need youto to explain everything to me, I know just as much as you when it comes to voice commands and don’t need it ‘mansplained’! I’ll figure it out!”

me: “Oh... ok. I’m sorry, go ahead and do it.“

her: “ hey google................ DAMMIT!”

Your wife didn't really use the phrase "mansplain" did she? Got damn.

1 hour ago, lateshow said:

Your wife didn't really use the phrase "mansplain" did she? Got damn.

Oh yes sir, she certainly did. 

2 hours ago, Doc Reeves said:

Me: “I set up the google hub so you can unlock the door now. You just at need to sa-“

her: -“I know how to work google. I don’t need youto to explain everything to me, I know just as much as you when it comes to voice commands and don’t need it ‘mansplained’! I’ll figure it out!”

me: “Oh... ok. I’m sorry, go ahead and do it.“

her: “ hey google................ DAMMIT!”

If you didn't reply to her with a super sarcastic "Well.... I guess maybe you do need it to be MANSPLAINED, huh?" then I don't even know what the hell you're doing.

Just now, TrashMaster G said:

If you didn't reply to her with a super sarcastic "Well.... I guess maybe you do need it to be MANSPLAINED, huh?" then I don't even know what the hell you're doing.

After 20 yrs of marriage, I find being magnanimously quite and letting that silence of her wrongness hang in the air like the smell of burnt hair pisses her off more and covers my ass from revenge later.

3 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:

After 20 yrs of marriage, I find being magnanimously quite and letting that silence of her wrongness hang in the air like the smell of burnt hair pisses her off more and covers my ass from revenge later.

Eh, after 20 years of marriage I think the high road is overrated.  But, good for you!

Not necessarily the high road- more the road of least devastation

5 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

Eh, after 20 years of marriage I think the high road is overrated.  But, good for you!

After 20 years of marriage it’s not like she is going to threaten to withhold sex.... because that ship has sailed.

8 hours ago, Doc Reeves said:

Not necessarily the high road- more the road of least devastation

Is it something simple like hey google lock the front door?

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22 hours ago, lateshow said:

Your wife didn't really use the phrase "mansplain" did she? Got damn.

My teenager used it once. I told her to look around, reminded her that I paid for all this, and I know more than her...and that in my fucking house I’ll explain how things work without it getting a cutesy, Twitter, SJW label or you can pay rent.

It hasn’t been used again.

1 hour ago, VolenteHawk said:

My teenager used it once. I told her to look around, reminded her that I paid for all this, and I know more than her...and that in my fucking house I’ll explain how things work without it getting a cutesy, Twitter, SJW label or you can pay rent.

It hasn’t been used again.

It’s my house.  You know what it is.  And if you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out.  I don’t give a fuck.  I Don’t give a...I pay the muthafuckin bills in this muthafucka.   And, Hey,  kiss my ass if you don’t like it.  

58 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

It’s my house.  You know what it is.  And if you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out.  I don’t give a fuck.  I Don’t give a...I pay the muthafuckin bills in this muthafucka.   And, Hey,  kiss my ass if you don’t like it.  

I know you're 7. But you'll be a 7 year old, no house,  walking the dog motherfucker

Edited by Dennis Taylor

1 hour ago, Trey3216 said:

It’s my house.  You know what it is.  And if you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out.  I don’t give a fuck.  I Don’t give a...I pay the muthafuckin bills in this muthafucka.   And, Hey,  kiss my ass if you don’t like it.  

I drive a Dodge Stratus! Big time stuff!

3 hours ago, VolenteHawk said:

My teenager used it once. I told her to look around, reminded her that I paid for all this, and I know more than her...and that in my fucking house I’ll explain how things work without it getting a cutesy, Twitter, SJW label or you can pay rent.

It hasn’t been used again.

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7 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

It’s my house.  You know what it is.  And if you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out.  I don’t give a fuck.  I Don’t give a...I pay the muthafuckin bills in this muthafucka.   And, Hey,  kiss my ass if you don’t like it.  

Trey, why you wash yo dick in the sink?

Came into my study just now and announced that today was the day she was finally going to walk the 4 miles to work along a rural farm to market road. You know, the morning after the cold front just passed through and it's still breezy with scattered rain showers. And also still dark outside. 

I voice my skepticism with this plan but of course, tone. 

On 10/13/2020 at 11:52 AM, tbone_ said:

You aren’t truly married until you have had to apologize for something you did in her dream.

And for God's sake, NEVER tell her about a random dream you had just because you find it amusing. I had a dream once that I was in JUNIOR HIGH and had a Asian girlfriend. I thought it was funny because it was so random. She took it as proof that I was planning to cheat on her with the first wily Vietnamese girl I could find. 

Total rookie newlywed mistake and now for the past 16+ years as far my wife knows, I don't dream when I sleep. 

9 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

And for God's sake, NEVER tell her about a random dream you had just because you find it amusing. I had a dream once that I was in JUNIOR HIGH and had a Asian girlfriend. I thought it was funny because it was so random. She took it as proof that I was planning to cheat on her with the first wily Vietnamese girl I could find. 

Total rookie newlywed mistake and now for the past 16+ years as far my wife knows, I don't dream when I sleep. 

So, tell us more about this wily Vietnamese girl ...

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35 minutes ago, nnm said:

So, tell us more about this wily Vietnamese girl ...

 

vc.gif

5 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

And for God's sake, NEVER tell her about a random dream you had just because you find it amusing. I had a dream once that I was in JUNIOR HIGH and had a Asian girlfriend. I thought it was funny because it was so random. She took it as proof that I was planning to cheat on her with the first wily Vietnamese girl I could find. 

Total rookie newlywed mistake and now for the past 16+ years as far my wife knows, I don't dream when I sleep. 

 

kraft.jpg

On 10/13/2020 at 11:52 AM, tbone_ said:

You aren’t truly married until you have had to apologize for something you did in her dream.

Married? I could have fucked a girl 3 times and I'd be apologizing for that shit to get #4 in.

On 10/13/2020 at 4:42 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

You're married to Michael Crabtree?

 

unnamed.jpg

Negged.

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