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Featured Replies

I can’t say shit on this one. I burned up a couple of Wubba Nubs trying to boil the nipples. Turns out the flame on the stove was a little high and the plastic/fiber could not take the length.

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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12 hours ago, Modessit said:

Me: Hey, where's your W-2?

Her: It's in the bathroom.

Me: It's in the bathroom?

Her: Yeah.

Me: Why is it in the bathroom?

Her: It's for the pull up thing for the shower. (Sometimes sticks on the faucet.)

Me: Go get it.

(She goes and comes back.)

Me: So what's that?

Her: It's the W-2.

Me: What's it say on the bottle?

Her: (looks) WD-40.

Me: What did I ask for?

Her: The W-2....... OH! Duh!

I can attest, she's smokin hot.

  • Popular Post

We live downtown ATX, have had power all week (same circuit as City Hall, so Austin Energy “can’t” shut it off). To reduce pwr consumption, save for others, I askd Mrs Txindep to turn off lights/tv’s, lower blinds & heat, run appliances only as necessary. She ran dishwasher & washer/dryer twice each ystrdy (note: kids are grown, only 2 of us here), I walked in last pm to find most lights & 2 tv’s on, but 2 electric toothbrushes in our master bath unplugged. I asked why she’d unplugged the toothbrushes, she said b/c of “ghost” draw.

1 hour ago, txindep said:

We live downtown ATX, have had power all week (same circuit as City Hall, so Austin Energy “can’t” shut it off). To reduce pwr consumption, save for others, I askd Mrs Txindep to turn off lights/tv’s, lower blinds & heat, run appliances only as necessary. She ran dishwasher & washer/dryer twice each ystrdy (note: kids are grown, only 2 of us here), I walked in last pm to find most lights & 2 tv’s on, but 2 electric toothbrushes in our master bath unplugged. I asked why she’d unplugged the toothbrushes, she said b/c of “ghost” draw.

All those lights on and appliances running should have scared off the ghost draw.

I asked her to tell me more, she explained that if it has a light on it, it’s drawing power even if not on. I tried not to laugh but failed, so now I’m the thoughtless one.



I asked her to tell me more, she explained that if it has a light on it, it’s drawing power even if not on. I tried not to laugh but failed, so now I’m the thoughtless one.


2e467740ee286d6b7fcd3a59bf7dac95.jpg

It's because there is a charging detection circuit that monitors battery use. The AC goes through a tiny transformer continuously and is drawing power. If battery power drops before 100%, the circuit (maybe just a diode) allows the AC to convert to DC to charge the battery. It's a very minimal draw compared to a TV or washing machine, though.

My wife unplugged a lamp that was already off "to save electricity" while leaving the laser printer next to it plugged in and in standby mode. I tried to explain a lamp used zero electricity when the switch is off. She tried to tell me there would be electricity "up to the switch". I tried to explain the concept of current flow and how it needed a connection from positive to negative in order to be in the cord but it didn't work.

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1 hour ago, Modessit said:

It's because there is a charging detection circuit that monitors battery use. The AC goes through a tiny transformer continuously and is drawing power. If battery power drops before 100%, the circuit (maybe just a diode) allows the AC to convert to DC to charge the battery. It's a very minimal draw compared to a TV or washing machine, though.

My wife unplugged a lamp that was already off "to save electricity" while leaving the laser printer next to it plugged in and in standby mode. I tried to explain a lamp used zero electricity when the switch is off. She tried to tell me there would be electricity "up to the switch". I tried to explain the concept of current flow and how it needed a connection from positive to negative in order to be in the cord but it didn't work.

well, the city maintains the electrical supply with a positive pressure.  If it drops to  zero you have to boil your electricity first

Just a note to any newbies having kids, based on the response of "didn't want to run the laundry because kid was asleep".....do yourself a favor, when your kid is sleeping make as much noise as possible.  You're welcome.

Just a note to any newbies having kids, based on the response of "didn't want to run the laundry because kid was asleep".....do yourself a favor, when your kid is sleeping make as much noise as possible.  You're welcome.
The fire alarms went off in all bedrooms after wife cooked bacon and neither kid woke up.
12 minutes ago, Modessit said:
1 hour ago, mulletpelini said:
Just a note to any newbies having kids, based on the response of "didn't want to run the laundry because kid was asleep".....do yourself a favor, when your kid is sleeping make as much noise as possible.  You're welcome.

The fire alarms went off in all bedrooms after wife cooked bacon and neither kid woke up.

Did they catch COVID and lose their sense of smell?

11 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Did they catch COVID and lose their sense of smell?

lol, my youngest will float downstairs like this when i cook bacon.

bugs1.jpg?cb=661efef72bf057319c35057a994

On a related note, my wife and I get along really well most of the time.  One reason is because she's good with little things that stress people like me out - traffic, buying Christmas presents, shopping, etc.  I, on the other hand, easily handle big things like tragedies, Covid, Snowmaggedon, tornado warnings, etc.

So you can imagine how fun this week has been.  A frozen pipe just turned into a, "If you'd communicate better" argument.  We both tried different things.  Neither worked.  Big deal.

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Wife to son:  How did you do in Biology today?

Son: I think I did alright.

Wife: I know, it's the vein of your existence.

Me:  The what of his existence??

Wife: Vein! Is that not right?

I was laughing too hard to respond further.

He wasn't the greatest passer, but Vince Young always had ice water in his banes.

2 hours ago, PhillyD said:

Wife to son:  How did you do in Biology today?

Son: I think I did alright.

Wife: I know, it's the vein of your existence.

Me:  The what of his existence??

Wife: Vein! Is that not right?

I was laughing too hard to respond further.

I'm trying to decide if it's more or less hilarious that it was unintentional.  Because it's a damn good pun.

Edited by TrashMaster G

I'm with @TrashMaster G.  She should've run with it.  It's an awesome biology pun.

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Around December the wife bought two new (and cheaper) thermometers (despite the above). One for the normal under the tongue usage, and the other for rectal usage on the baby. I ask her to make sure and label them clearly since they were identical.

Fast forward to today, had a telemedicine appointment for the baby and needed her temperature and I find both of them in the draw, neither labeled. Just shook my head and told her how she screwed up.

Hours later she comes in and tells me that she did label them and hands me this...

2c4babb45c0f152f1bb1cb15fa6d2199.jpg
5 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Maybe the joke’s on us. 

The joke is always on us.

17 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

The joke is always on us.

So he joke is on the other foot...but it's still our foot.

5 hours ago, ABSR said:

So he joke is on the other foot...but it's still our foot.

He joke?  Even jokes have pronouns now?

6 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Ze joke.

In that context, you just sound German rather than douchey

My dispatcher said somezing’s wrong with deine kabel 

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.

There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

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4 minutes ago, Storm the Field said:

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.

There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

Narrator: Storm the Field continued to move the schefflera for another decade.

Lol. Yep. Either get divorced or move that plant broseph.

28 minutes ago, Storm the Field said:

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.

There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

V64jzIadkGWfgwiKHQ7VTvME1d8=.gif

2 hours ago, Storm the Field said:

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.

There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

You must be my father in law

On 2/18/2021 at 7:57 PM, TKthunder2 said:


Around December the wife bought two new (and cheaper) thermometers (despite the above). One for the normal under the tongue usage, and the other for rectal usage on the baby. I ask her to make sure and label them clearly since they were identical.

Fast forward to today, had a telemedicine appointment for the baby and needed her temperature and I find both of them in the draw, neither labeled. Just shook my head and told her how she screwed up.

Hours later she comes in and tells me that she did label them and hands me this...

2c4babb45c0f152f1bb1cb15fa6d2199.jpg

 

 

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.
There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 
There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.
You put a round wheeled floor dolly under it and keep it there. When it needs to be moved, you roll it. Or she does.
On 2/13/2021 at 1:05 PM, BearCountry11 said:

My wife decided it was time to wash the fabric liner of our son’s high chair.  It was making a ton of noise in the dryer - kiddo was sleeping - so I pulled it out to air dry instead.

Fast forward an hour and a half - kiddo wakes up and it’s time to feed him lunch.  The high chair liner is nowhere to be found. I ask my wife......she had put it outside to dry quicker.  
 

....it’s 25 degrees.  

That's got to be one helluva hot woman you've got.

6 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Whose does?

realtree-deer-hunting-lies-critterbiz-sh

Going to Disneyworld in a few weeks. Wife suddenly wants to watch Star Wars in chronological order for the first time in the 11 years I’ve known her. I’m not a SW nerd by any means, but I’ve went to a SW movie here and there and it’s fine.

I bet you can guess how far she got into the phantom menace(I know we’re not supposed to watch it so spare me) before she was on her phone.

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It had been at least 24hrs since Amazon delivered something to our house, so the wife decided to buy me a spare battery organizer...didn’t need it, but whatever, it’s the thought that counts I guess. Anyway, it comes with a little voltage tester...

“Hey babe, can you check those AAAs on the counter? Pretty sure they’re dead.”

 

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17 minutes ago, SuperSport said:

It had been at least 24hrs since Amazon delivered something to our house, so the wife decided to buy me a spare battery organizer...didn’t need it, but whatever, it’s the thought that counts I guess. Anyway, it comes with a little voltage tester...

“Hey babe, can you check those AAAs on the counter? Pretty sure they’re dead.”

 

51EF9496-6681-44A1-8C09-D29480174ECE.jpeg

Bless her heart.

 

Btw I fucking love my battery organizer and tester.  I'm a dork

On 2/25/2021 at 10:32 AM, J.R. Juniors Junior Jr. said:

Good chance she's married, since she's driving a Mercedes:

 

Of course she is married.  Notice how she couldn't admit she was wrong?

  • Popular Post

Driving down 620 for the first time in awhile:

Me: I feel like this light is relatively new, I don't remember it here last time I was on this part of the road.

Her:  No, it's been here awhile. 

Her:  People have been having wrecks here all the time since they aren't used to the light being here.

Me:  So, it's relatively new?

Her:  Yes

Me: Crickets because you realize after 21 years of marriage, some things just aren't worth it.  

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When buying my wife a car she was adamant about having a sunroof that fully opens. Well it turns out, the only way she is ever going to open that fucker is if it starts raining Chardonnay. 

Too hot, too cold, too bright, too dark... There are precisely zero meteorological combinations that are correct for this very important feature. 

 

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