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Featured Replies

15 minutes ago, wd40 said:

it's a fucking show dog, with fucking papers.

You can’t board it, its hair falls out. 

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12 hours ago, Clintonaldo said:

I ask if the dog is wearing it’s rain jacket and she said no it isn’t

Would be the exact opposite in my house if the dog had a rain jacket.  Wife asks if the dog is wearing it's rain jacket . . . fuck that shit, its a damn dog.

Would be the exact opposite in my house if the dog had a rain jacket.  Wife asks if the dog is wearing it's rain jacket . . . fuck that shit, its a damn dog.

We are ridiculous with animals and deserve ridicule.


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She could be happy as a pig in shit and he still isn’t getting a hummer.

My wife started buying paper products and putting them in our guest house last year when the shortages started. At some point she decided that we needed to store some food over there. A couple weeks ago she brought the bags of food into the kitchen to sort them out.

Any guesses on how much was expired after one year? If you said all but 1 box of spaghetti you would be absolutely correct. She threw away two plastic bags of shit that was expired that she had stored away because “we might need it”.

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6 minutes ago, EE2B said:

My wife started buying paper products and putting them in our guest house last year when the shortages started. At some point she decided that we needed to store some food over there. A couple weeks ago she brought the bags of food into the kitchen to sort them out.

Any guesses on how much was expired after one year? If you said all but 1 box of spaghetti you would be absolutely correct. She threw away two plastic bags of shit that was expired that she had stored away because “we might need it”.

Whole lotta words to humblebrag about having a guest house

37 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Whole lotta words to humblebrag about having a guest house

he meant "outhouse." 

 

no wonder it all went bad

50 minutes ago, EE2B said:

My wife started buying paper products and putting them in our guest house last year when the shortages started. At some point she decided that we needed to store some food over there. A couple weeks ago she brought the bags of food into the kitchen to sort them out.

Any guesses on how much was expired after one year? If you said all but 1 box of spaghetti you would be absolutely correct. She threw away two plastic bags of shit that was expired that she had stored away because “we might need it”.

you know who lives in the guest house, right?

 

Spoiler

image.gif.1283f98ea57a0170f3f6332d80395774.gif

 

Wife hit up the garden store to buy some potting soil, new annuals, etc. Asked me to go down to the car and fetch it upstairs. Lug a couple bags upstairs, get in the door and say, “hey, which balcony do you plan to plant on?”

”Oh, I didn’t think about that, let me go look at them....”

Nope. I’m putting these bags of dirt down on the close one, not standing here with them waiting for you to decide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doesn't matter to her, you'll move them to whichever one she chooses later.

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On a roll this weekend.  Today we rented a movie through iTunes for the munchkins. We had to pause it for a bit, came back, Mrs Worldwide asks “how much longer is this movie.”

Little Worldwide 2 says: “47 hours.”

Me: “No pumpkin. That is how long we have the movie available to watch, it’s not really 47 hours long.”

Mrs Worldwide: “Yeah, sweetie ... if it were that long the movie would last almost all day!”

Wife hit up the garden store to buy some potting soil, new annuals, etc. Asked me to go down to the car and fetch it upstairs. Lug a couple bags upstairs, get in the door and say, “hey, which balcony do you plan to plant on?”
”Oh, I didn’t think about that, let me go look at them....”
Nope. I’m putting these bags of dirt down on the close one, not standing here with them waiting for you to decide.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"You know what? I think it would look better down by the driveway. Can you carry them back down?"

Pro tip: leave them in the car until she tells you exactly where they go. And gives you a BJ first.
14 hours ago, Modessit said:

"You know what? I think it would look better down by the driveway. Can you carry them back down?"

Pro tip: leave them in the car until she tells you exactly where they go. And gives you a BJ first.

Narrator:  The bags never left the car.

Immediately after my son's soccer game:

"What are those?"

"These are somebody's sunglasses they left here on the field." 

"Are they yours?"

"No, they are somebody else's. They were left on the field and I am looking to see whose they are."

"Are they Sarah's?"

"HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? IF I KNEW WHO THEY BELONGED TO I WOULD GIVE THEM BACK."

"Hey you don't have to get mad about it."

"How are you a doctor?"

44 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

I'm gonna need pics of Sarah the Soccer Mom.

photo-sarah-palin.jpg?w=297

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I mentioned this several years ago... but my wife will come to me midstream in her thoughts and ask questions which I don't have answers to. Saturday night I'm watching TV...

"How many sandwiches should I get for tomorrow?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, how many sandwiches should I get for tomorrow?"

"Why are you getting sandwiches?"

"Because we're doing an Easter egg hunt in the backyard with my brother's family."

"Oh, I didn't know they were coming. But okay, 14 dozen."

"Why do I even ask you? You're no help." 

Trying to engage you in a conversation or planning process she's been having in her head for the past 5 minutes without giving you the backstory is just expected behavior now.

Mrs. R just gets the TLJ look and then says something like "Oh.  Right.  You don't know what I'm talking about."

Me: "Never do, dear.  Never do."

Edited by RamjetFDO

Truth. And then, in the same conversation, the names and scenario will change in her mind. I'm supposed to know that we are talking about NEXT week now, not tomorrow. 

Follow up conversation from earlier:

"Okay, I think WE just need about a dozen sandwiches, and this and that and this and that."

"And by WE, you actually mean ME right?"

"Yeah, the bakery gets really crowded, and you wake up earlier than me."

"I'll go if you let me do you tonight."  (I'm such a romantic)

"Nope, I'll just wake up early tomorrow."  (Didn't have sex, FML)

 

In the morning, this was the monologue around the house:

"Should I call them to order first?"
"Do they have an online menu?"
"The line is going to be long, so I should order first right?"
"What if they're too busy to pick up the phone?"
"If I order first, and they're too busy, then I'll have to wait for them to fill the order right?"

This went on for 30 minutes. I told her to just go and check it out.

She came back in 25 minutes with the sandwiches.

22 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Follow up conversation from earlier:

"Okay, I think WE just need about a dozen sandwiches, and this and that and this and that."

"And by WE, you actually mean ME right?"

"Yeah, the bakery gets really crowded, and you wake up earlier than me."

"I'll go if you let me do you tonight."  (I'm such a romantic)

"Nope, I'll just wake up early tomorrow."  (Didn't have sex, FML)

 

In the morning, this was the monologue around the house:

"Should I call them to order first?"
"Do they have an online menu?"
"The line is going to be long, so I should order first right?"
"What if they're too busy to pick up the phone?"
"If I order first, and they're too busy, then I'll have to wait for them to fill the order right?"

This went on for 30 minutes. I told her to just go and check it out.

She came back in 25 minutes with the sandwiches.

how many wifes does it take to make a sandwich

56 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Follow up conversation from earlier:

"Okay, I think WE just need about a dozen sandwiches, and this and that and this and that."

"And by WE, you actually mean ME right?"

"Yeah, the bakery gets really crowded, and you wake up earlier than me."

"I'll go if you let me do you tonight."  (I'm such a romantic)

"Nope, I'll just wake up early tomorrow."  (Didn't have sex, FML)

 

In the morning, this was the monologue around the house:

"Should I call them to order first?"
"Do they have an online menu?"
"The line is going to be long, so I should order first right?"
"What if they're too busy to pick up the phone?"
"If I order first, and they're too busy, then I'll have to wait for them to fill the order right?"

This went on for 30 minutes. I told her to just go and check it out.

She came back in 25 minutes with the sandwiches.

as long as you got a quick jerk in while she was gone, call it a win and move on.

Just speechless...

Yeah. He could take all of the “admitting/apology/bad behavior” talk but eating ass was a bridge too far and gave him immediate IBS

I'm sure y'all know that's a parody of a guy who did something similar with his wife next to him.

12 hours ago, wd40 said:

as long as you got a quick jerk in while she was gone, call it a win and move on.

Username checks out.

8 hours ago, Modessit said:

I'm sure y'all know that's a parody of a guy who did something similar with his wife next to him.

I did not know that. That's hilarious.  Linky? 

I did not know that. That's hilarious.  Linky? 
Go read the comments on the one posted. One of them has a link to the original.

32? The fuel warning lights are getting so stupidly conservative on new cars.

7 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

32? The fuel warning lights are getting so stupidly conservative on new cars.

28. 

 Jennifer Lawrence Oops GIF

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13 hours ago, harpercollins said:

Guilty!

Me, last night:c6930102fbec3432fd709cabf920d662.jpg


Guess how many gallons of gas my Yukon xl holds?

My OCD appreciates you not stopping at $67.88

My wife gives me my testosterone shot every saturday, has done for 3 years now. I just got a new bottle of the stuff last week. Fast forward to yesterday, I said hey, it's time for the shot. The new bottle is gone and the empty one is sitting on the counter. I realize what's happened: she threw away the new bottle last week by mistake. Not a huge deal, right? I didn't even say anything, I just took a shower. I can hear her searching around but it's gone, we both know what's happened. She refuses to admit it. I get out of the shower and she says "I can't find it anywhere!" and I said "That's because it got thrown away.". She absolutely will not acknowledge this, nor has she even bothered to give a half-ass "Hey, sorry if I tossed it out". It's like it never happened. 

Wife went to bed an hour ago.

I just turned of 12 GD lamps.

Buy occupancy based switches, RF smart switches or Phillips Hue bulbs. (I have all 3).

Create schedules, etc.

Profit.


I even taught my wife how to create schedules with the Hue bulbs. I occasionally have to go in and modify it, but either way lights get turned off. I also put a schedule on the thermostat so after she alters the temp and forgets to put it back the schedule takes over.

Buy occupancy based switches, RF smart switches or Phillips Hue bulbs. (I have all 3).

Create schedules, etc.

Profit.


I even taught my wife how to create schedules with the Hue bulbs. I occasionally have to go in and modify it, but either way lights get turned off. I also put a schedule on the thermostat so after she alters the temp and forgets to put it back the schedule takes over.

That’s a lot of work to save 1.60
14 hours ago, Sandman said:

My wife gives me my testosterone shot every saturday, has done for 3 years now. I just got a new bottle of the stuff last week. Fast forward to yesterday, I said hey, it's time for the shot. The new bottle is gone and the empty one is sitting on the counter. I realize what's happened: she threw away the new bottle last week by mistake. Not a huge deal, right? I didn't even say anything, I just took a shower. I can hear her searching around but it's gone, we both know what's happened. She refuses to admit it. I get out of the shower and she says "I can't find it anywhere!" and I said "That's because it got thrown away.". She absolutely will not acknowledge this, nor has she even bothered to give a half-ass "Hey, sorry if I tossed it out". It's like it never happened. 

She won’t admit to it because it is somehow your fault in her mind.   

Me:  Hey babe, where's my tape measure?  (I know she used it last week for some stupid project)

Her:  I don't know.  It's either in your tool box or it's in the hall closet where you used to keep it (before I moved most of my tools into the rolling toolbox I got last year)

Me:  It's not in either spot, I know you used it last week for that thing you're making your sister.

Her:  I don't know what to tell you, I told you where it should be....

 

I have about 6 tape measures.  3 in the junk drawer that my wife and daughters are likely to use/lose.  2 in my rolling tool box which could be easily accessed when my wife's car is out of the garage.  And mine kept in a double top secret location. 

That's one of the things I like best about having an ex wife, my tools are always where I put them.  My kids know better and I bought my son a basic set of his own for Christmas.  My ex asked to borrow one of my socket sets three years ago.  I made the mistake of loaning her my oldest set that I bought early in the '80s, but also my favorite one. I owned it almost 40 without ever losing a socket or attachment.  I think you can guess how it came back.

11 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

I have about 6 tape measures.  3 in the junk drawer that my wife and daughters are likely to use/lose.  2 in my rolling tool box which could be easily accessed when my wife's car is out of the garage.  And mine kept in a double top secret location. 

I definitely have others as well, but I carried out the scene anyway because I want to know what the hell she did with that particular one.  My backups are getting a little long in the tooth.  

16 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

Keep looking, I’m sure it will turn up. . 

Without his testosterone injection, nothing is turning up!

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