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49 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Yeah, it's gone through our 2 year old, me, our 7 year old and my mom. My wife might have gotten it last night. It sucks.

 

And trust me if you get it. What you think is a fart is definitely not a fart.

Wife, mother-in-law, sister-in-law and daughter have all had it.    I think I’m coming down with it As well.   I feel like absolute shit today, and it’s not from the beers I had last night 

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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3 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

So did the ex marry the "friend " that dinner was with?

No, the friend was a she. She came to the house. The ex is now on her 4th “serious” BF since divorce 4 years ago after almost 30 years of marriage. Menopause can jack you up it seems.

4 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Mine has the same shit right now.   Some kinda damn stomach bug running rampant.  

Seriously my 1 year old kept me up all night with a 102 fever and throwing up all over everything.  Fuck whatever this thing is.

8 hours ago, Clintonaldo said:

W

Your ex sounds like a shitty mother. 

She is a good mom, she just has her moments.

On 3/25/2021 at 10:33 AM, Jerry Callo said:

I have two knife blocks on the counter - my knives and everyone else's.  I don't care what they do with their knives.

 

I'm a little behind on the thread, but I tried this. Lasted about a week. I'm just too tired to fight that battle.

 

 

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I told my wife about the poop knife last night. I explained how it worked and then how there was a chick that would slice it up. She started dry heaving and almost puked. She couldn’t believe it was real.

I asked how she got all those pieces of bills sitting in our laundry room. She almost puked again.

I've figured it out.  it's this thread.  this thread is why I've been constipated, the last couple days.

thanks, guys.

3 hours ago, wd40 said:

I've figured it out.  it's this thread.  this thread is why I've been constipated, the last couple days.

thanks, guys.

A wire coat hanger will work in a pinch if Amazon hasn't delivered your knife yet.

My average shower lasts < 5 minutes top to toes.

Her average shower is > 15 minutes.

Whenever I run the shower waiting for the water to warm up, even if it's still ice cold, she'll turn it off because I'm "wasting water". 

2 hours ago, Superhero said:

My average shower lasts < 5 minutes top to toes.

Her average shower is > 15 minutes.

Whenever I run the shower waiting for the water to warm up, even if it's still ice cold, she'll turn it off because I'm "wasting water". 

Cause it's all for her. 

“That’s the camel that broke the straw’s back!”

11 minutes ago, EE2B said:

“That’s the camel that broke the straw’s back!”

120799851_38e5cfc46f_b.jpg
(probably not the camel toe you were looking for)

On 4/29/2021 at 8:56 PM, Dennis Taylor said:

"Where is the Maine Maritime Academy?"

Up the street from the minor maritime academy?

My average shower lasts Her average shower is > 15 minutes.
Whenever I run the shower waiting for the water to warm up, even if it's still ice cold, she'll turn it off because I'm "wasting water". 

Where the hell are you where she shuts it off? Why don’t you lock her out of the bathroom

Taking a sub 5 minute shower if you're not in the military is odd... 

 

Oh .. and your wife takes longer than 15 minutes? OH THE HORROR. My wife says "I'm taking a shower" and I'm like "sweet I have time to run to the beer store and back and drink 3 before she comes back downstairs". 

1 hour ago, NorthLoop said:

I'm like "sweet I have time to run to the beer store and back and drink 3 before she comes back downstairs". 

Guess I'll see if I can sneak on for a quick twilight 9 at the muni down the street 

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I was informed that I 'always twist her words around ' . And I also 'take everything she says literally '

 

20 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Taking a sub 5 minute shower if you're not in the military is odd... 

 

Oh .. and your wife takes longer than 15 minutes? OH THE HORROR. My wife says "I'm taking a shower" and I'm like "sweet I have time to run to the beer store and back and drink 3 before she comes back downstairs". 

Unless you're brushing your teeth, shaving, or rubbing one out, what are you doing that takes more than 5 minutes?

11 hours ago, Superhero said:

Unless you're brushing your teeth, shaving, or rubbing one out, what are you doing that takes more than 5 minutes?

 

 

I think you just answered your own question.

 

11 hours ago, Superhero said:

Unless you're brushing your teeth, shaving, or rubbing one out, what are you doing that takes more than 5 minutes?

Me, I'm over here setting land speed records... 5 minutes?  Only if the internet connection is crap.

12 hours ago, Superhero said:

Unless you're brushing your teeth, shaving, or rubbing one out, what are you doing that takes more than 5 minutes?

giphy.gif

Wife:  You need to give me your detailed plans for the upcoming holiday weekend so I know how I'm affected and can plan accordingly.
Me:  Pffffttt.  Plans.  Like I can have any fucking plans of my own without consulting with you and considering the kids.
Also Wife:  I am now telling you about my plans that I made without telling you or consulting with you or considering you.  Also, these plans might put our kids in danger since you won't be there.

Guess who is the one in trouble right now?

Highly highly highly recommend the shared calendar. My wife would make plans and not tell me until the day of.

New rule in our house if it’s not on the calendar I’m not obligated to go if I don’t want to. It’s done wonders. Best part is if I go, I get extra credit and cash that shit in right away.

So backstory, my wife’s dad passed away from cancer (pancreatic) at a young age. So I get she’s sensitive to the subject.

I like the occasional dip and also smoke the occasional cigar. Typically I buy cigars in bulk (way cheaper). She always gives me shit when I buy it and says “fine enjoy your cancer”. Makes it seem like I smoke a cigar daily, instead it’s usually 2 a month. The cigars I buy I usually only smoke half of them and share the other half with whoever I smoke them with.

Fast forward to yesterday we go to a cigar lounge to celebrate her brother moving close to us. She’s ripping those little cigars that look like blunts like they’re going out of style and saying how fun the cigar bar is.

On 5/1/2021 at 1:47 PM, deadshank said:

Up the street from the minor maritime academy?

Lame joke thread is that way ---->

9 hours ago, TTU13 said:


Highly highly highly recommend the shared calendar. My wife would make plans and not tell me until the day of.

New rule in our house if it’s not on the calendar I’m not obligated to go if I don’t want to. It’s done wonders. Best part is if I go, I get extra credit and cash that shit in right away.

We have the exact same system, except that my wife ignores it entirely and does not give a shit if I point out it's not on the calendar.

5 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

We have the exact same system, except that my wife ignores it entirely and does not give a shit if I point out it's not on the calendar.

Let me guess... "Damn, why do you have to be so anal about everything?"

(never mind that you might be the one who is driving 100+ miles a day & gawd forbid you miss one of the kid's activities that you were supposed to pick up / drop off for)


Highly highly highly recommend the shared calendar. My wife would make plans and not tell me until the day of.

New rule in our house if it’s not on the calendar I’m not obligated to go if I don’t want to. It’s done wonders. Best part is if I go, I get extra credit and cash that shit in right away.

Same. Except if it’s not on my calendar 99.9% chance I won’t be there. We just send invites to work calendars.
4 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

We have the exact same system, except that my wife ignores it entirely and does not give a shit if I point out it's not on the calendar.

She sounds like a bitch.

Been telling my wife over and over that she needed to tell me where she wanted to eat for Mother’s Day and she didn’t and now everything is booked. This is her first one so I wanted it to be nice. She tells me we can just do Saturday instead. Saturday is the first day I am going to the family’s river house of the year and going boating. I give her the Big Al Borland

93bc316170a396b0a5406f4dc24743c5.gif


I don’t give a fuck at this point if we have to eat Sunday at Sonic in our fucking car I am not missing lake day.


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17 minutes ago, Clintonaldo said:

Been telling my wife over and over that she needed to tell me where she wanted to eat for Mother’s Day and she didn’t and now everything is booked. This is her first one so I wanted it to be nice. She tells me we can just do Saturday instead. Saturday is the first day I am going to the family’s river house of the year and going boating. I give her the Big Al Borland

93bc316170a396b0a5406f4dc24743c5.gif


I don’t give a fuck at this point if we have to eat Sunday at Sonic in our fucking car I am not missing lake day.


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She fucked around and found out.

2 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

She fucked around and found out.

I’m the most diabolical hater this side of the Mississippi. Magically, she found somewhere that has a spot at 4 on Sunday but she is worried if it is too late to eat so whatever the fuck that means. I told her I wouldn’t tell if she wouldn’t. I can see her wheels turning. 

Edited by Clintonaldo

1 hour ago, Clintonaldo said:

Been telling my wife over and over that she needed to tell me where she wanted to eat for Mother’s Day and she didn’t and now everything is booked. This is her first one so I wanted it to be nice. She tells me we can just do Saturday instead. Saturday is the first day I am going to the family’s river house of the year and going boating. I give her the Big Al Borland

93bc316170a396b0a5406f4dc24743c5.gif


I don’t give a fuck at this point if we have to eat Sunday at Sonic in our fucking car I am not missing lake day.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The divorce thread is that way ——->

On 5/4/2021 at 6:52 PM, Clintonaldo said:

Been telling my wife over and over that she needed to tell me where she wanted to eat for Mother’s Day and she didn’t and now everything is booked. This is her first one so I wanted it to be nice. She tells me we can just do Saturday instead. Saturday is the first day I am going to the family’s river house of the year and going boating. I give her the Big Al Borland

93bc316170a396b0a5406f4dc24743c5.gif


I don’t give a fuck at this point if we have to eat Sunday at Sonic in our fucking car I am not missing lake day.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This thread should teach you things. Things like - you should've known she wouldn't ever come up with a place. Honestly that's your job anyways. 

We have a window guy coming to measure our windows and talk about what we’re looking for in terms of replacements.
Wife just now “I want different quotes for different value windows”
Me “Guy is coming to measure, he’s not going to tell us anything about costs”
Wife “Ok, well I want to know how much these windows will be (pointing at a window)”
Me “He’s coming to measure. He’ll leave and then send a few quote”
Wife “(frustrated)Fine, I’ll just ask him if I’m back (taking kids to school)”

Should be a fun meeting

4 hours ago, kmac30 said:

We have a window guy coming to measure our windows and talk about what we’re looking for in terms of replacements.
Wife just now “I want different quotes for different value windows”
Me “Guy is coming to measure, he’s not going to tell us anything about costs”
Wife “Ok, well I want to know how much these windows will be (pointing at a window)”
Me “He’s coming to measure. He’ll leave and then send a few quote”
Wife “(frustrated)Fine, I’ll just ask him if I’m back (taking kids to school)”

Should be a fun meeting

 

4 hours ago, kmac30 said:

Oh, and I noticed this last night:

89d64111618f792c3669d4a7d07a6e89.jpg

She's going to try to pay for the windows with chewed up and shat out 100 dollar bills isn't she.

On 5/7/2021 at 11:59 AM, Grade of D as in David said:

 

She's going to try to pay for the windows with chewed up and shat out 100 dollar bills isn't she.

Just that one window. 

54 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

Sent from a relative in Phoenix

  Hide contents

received_963117584499245.thumb.jpeg.d1cb0eecb4bff9ebe66aa500445dff70.jpeg

 

There is a chance that the gas will make that plastic soft and could rupture and spill. Dumb.

46 minutes ago, mininghorn88 said:

There is a chance that the gas will make that plastic soft and could rupture and spill. Dumb.

gonna have to drive slow back to the house.

1 hour ago, mulletpelini said:

Sent from a relative in Phoenix

  Hide contents

received_963117584499245.thumb.jpeg.d1cb0eecb4bff9ebe66aa500445dff70.jpeg

 

No Kroger’s in Phoenix 

1 minute ago, CycleTex87 said:

gonna have to drive slow back to the house.

She will not know that. Expect disaster!

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