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No, they spell THE PROFESSIONAL.

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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We are leaving for Vancouver tomor… today to go skiing. My wife planned the entire trip since flying anywhere to ski is a giant pain in the ass, and is one of the levels of hell should I end up there…

Anyway: 11PM, she was checking us in for the flight, and realized my daughter’s passport expired 2 years ago.

Can’t fly, but I guess if you drive to Canada, you need an ID but not a passport.

Now she’s furiously looking for flights to Seattle and a rental car to go to Whistler. It’s really late. Frankly I DGAF. Cancel the entire thing and lose money along the way. I don’t care as long as I don’t have to check and carry a shit ton of stuff onto the airport. 

Real ID is basically a passport in your drivers license isn’t it? I quit keeping track what it takes to get into Canada even despite being 2 hrs from it.

Last i heard, probably before Covid, was a regular DL and birth certificate was good enough to get in and back. Now Covid you need negative tests, full vaccination, a Canadian NHL affiliate etc


Traveling internationally, with ski equipment, sounds like hell. Can’t you trek it out to Utah or colorado?

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There's a post in the hunting thread about a wife who managed to set a riding mower on fire.... reminded me of Mrs CL earlier this fall. 

She had decided that she no longer liked the plastic cattle troughs on our property and wanted to replace then with galvanized because they "look bad and are bad for the environment." 

OK, whatever, but I can't help until next weekend. This is not a pressing need and I'm booked up with other stuff. 

So she gets our farm truck and drives to Tractor Supply herself and gets two galvanized water troughs and then decides she'll go drop them off in the pasture before it gets dark. I warn her that's not a good idea so late in the day.

Three hours later, well after dark, she calls me to come get her. The truck is stuck in a ditch out in the pasture and she's really sorry.  She's crying and she's covered in mud and she lost a boot trying to walk through the mud to get back to her car and her phone. I tell her that I'll pull the truck out with the tractor the next morning when it gets light. Shouldn't be too difficult. She's still crying because she doesn't want me mad at her and she's really really sorry etc etc. I actually kind of feel sorry for her by the end. 

The next morning as we're heading back out there, we're talking and I offhandedly mention that it must be really stuck if she couldn't get it out with four wheel drive.

"It has four wheel drive?"

I'm starting to think I'm not going to need the tractor. 

Took me about 15 seconds to get It out. 

Stupid shit wives do and say while attempting real ranch work kind of gets a pass from me.  Funny none the less.

On 11/15/2021 at 7:32 PM, Sandman said:

We went out to do some birthday/christmas shopping for the kids, my wife wanted to look for some new shoes for herself while we're out, no big deal. First, she has really big feet, women's 11-12, so she always has problems finding shoes that fit. She sees this pair and while trying to cram her foot into it, she hurts her toe. 

Her: "OW! These just don't fit, that really hurt!"

Me: "Cool, let's move on then"

Her: "I want to try this other one first"

Me: ....

Her: "These don't work either. Let me try the first ones again"

Me: "The ones that hurt? Why would you try those again?"

Her: "They might work this time. OW! No, they don't fit."

Me: WTF

Is this your wife?

Dd5EL0JVQAAHWqO.jpg

 

5 hours ago, Superhero said:

We are leaving for Vancouver tomor… today to go skiing. My wife planned the entire trip since flying anywhere to ski is a giant pain in the ass, and is one of the levels of hell should I end up there…

Anyway: 11PM, she was checking us in for the flight, and realized my daughter’s passport expired 2 years ago.

Can’t fly, but I guess if you drive to Canada, you need an ID but not a passport.

Now she’s furiously looking for flights to Seattle and a rental car to go to Whistler. It’s really late. Frankly I DGAF. Cancel the entire thing and lose money along the way. I don’t care as long as I don’t have to check and carry a shit ton of stuff onto the airport. 

Vancouver is nice to visit, but just came here to say fuck the Canucks. Thanks.

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5 hours ago, Superhero said:

We are leaving for Vancouver tomor… today to go skiing. My wife planned the entire trip since flying anywhere to ski is a giant pain in the ass, and is one of the levels of hell should I end up there…

Anyway: 11PM, she was checking us in for the flight, and realized my daughter’s passport expired 2 years ago.

Can’t fly, but I guess if you drive to Canada, you need an ID but not a passport.

Now she’s furiously looking for flights to Seattle and a rental car to go to Whistler. It’s really late. Frankly I DGAF. Cancel the entire thing and lose money along the way. I don’t care as long as I don’t have to check and carry a shit ton of stuff onto the airport. 

Wait until you find out she booked the trip for Vancouver, Washington.

^

csb/ My grad school roommate and good friend met this girl who was a little ditzy but very sweet.  Years later they marry and they were big music festival goers before their childbearing years.  There was some jam band deal out in the desert of SoCal via Ontario Airport.  She plans the whole thing and they'll be staying in a friend's RV out at the festival. 

I don't how she did it, but she when she went to book for ONT airport on the airline website, she somehow selected Lake Ontario via Buffalo Airport.  By the time he saw the reservation email on her phone, they were already on their way to the airport.  So they ate hundreds in festival passes/fees, they couldn't change their reservation, and he was also holding a lot of drugs on him.  To make her feel less shitty, they boarded plane to Buffalo, found a hotel, saw Niagara Falls, and came back with one of the all-time wife travel fuckups of all time.  The word "Buffalo" never being a red flag to her in all the emails from the airline.  

Years later at a dinner party, she would ask where our daughter was in preschool.  We replied at our church.  She asked what their theory was on education (she's a big Montessori subscriber)?  I was like, "I dunno, it's a Catholic preschool founded by the Jesuit Order.  They do preschool shit."  She then goes on and on about how it's important for experiential learning and helping our children navigate the world that surrounds them.  And I'm just listening politely while my buddy glares at me from down the table with that, "Don't you dare fucking say 'Buffalo' asshole!" look on his face.  /csb

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4 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

There's a post in the hunting thread about a wife who managed to set a riding mower on fire.... reminded me of Mrs CL earlier this fall. 

Ha Ha, this reminds me of my first ex when we lived in Denver.  We lived on an acre and had a pretty big shed with a cement floor.  We kept the riding lawnmower in the shed.  One Saturday morning she comes upstairs and wakes me up saying that she got up early and decided to mow the yard, but there was a small problem.  Apparently, she had filled the riding lawnmower up with gas, spilled a little on the shed floor, set the gas can down beside the mower, and tried to start it.  The mower backfired igniting the gas on the shed floor which then spread to the gas can.  By the time I got outside the entire shed was a massive fireball.  We didn't even have to call the fire department because they could see the blaze from the firehouse.  We ended up with two pumpers at the house, but they just ended up letting the shed burn itself out while making sure it didn't spread to any houses.  In the end, we were left with only the slab with a large mound of solidified molten metal that used to be the riding lawnmower.

733a0d5651456d2c3c22aa9f1402054c.jpeg
She burned down your she shed?

24 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Ha Ha, this reminds me of my first ex when we lived in Denver.  We lived on an acre and had a pretty big shed with a cement floor.  We kept the riding lawnmower in the shed.  One Saturday morning she comes upstairs and wakes me up saying that she got up early and decided to mow the yard, but there was a small problem.  Apparently, she had filled the riding lawnmower up with gas, spilled a little on the shed floor, set the gas can down beside the mower, and tried to start it.  The mower backfired igniting the gas on the shed floor which then spread to the gas can.  By the time I got outside the entire shed was a massive fireball.  We didn't even have to call the fire department because they could see the blaze from the firehouse.  We ended up with two pumpers at the house, but they just ended up letting the shed burn itself out while making sure it didn't spread to any houses.  In the end, we were left with only the slab with a large mound of solidified molten metal that used to be the riding lawnmower.

Something something ride something else something something.  

Here ya goda68d88a05ab5b1462cf3c8b2c125fe8.jpg
Me: Hey, I'm ready for my blowjob!

Her: Huh?

Me: Isn't that what the sign says?





I just tell the FA we’re good, I’ll just eat the cost and buy her a new set.




Or....

Give them your address and tell them that when they get a full stop and can get it out, you'll pay the shipping to have it returned.
4 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Wait until you find out she booked the trip for Vancouver, Washington.

I live in Vancouver Washington.  @Superhero can swing by for a beer in the garage.

1 minute ago, Nuge said:

I live in Vancouver Washington.  @Superhero can swing by for a beer in the garage.

He'll have to pay you in Loonies. His wife converted all their money.

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We're painting the office this weekend. Took down all the pictures and moved everything to the middle of the room so my wife could prep some during the week (she works from home). There were a bunch of anchors from the pictures stuck in the wall. Told her the easiest to do was screw a screw into them  part of the way then use the claw of the hammer to pry them out.

Get home and she said she could only get a couple out of the wall. I noticed that neither my hammer nor drill were in the room. She was trying to pry them out with a flat head screw driver. She goes to cook dinner, I spend about 3 minutes and get the other 15 or so out of the wall

Her "How did you do that so fast?"

Me "I did it the way I told you to do it."

 

tone

 

Edited by Jameslaw121

10 hours ago, Superhero said:

We are leaving for Vancouver tomor… today to go skiing. My wife planned the entire trip since flying anywhere to ski is a giant pain in the ass, and is one of the levels of hell should I end up there…

Anyway: 11PM, she was checking us in for the flight, and realized my daughter’s passport expired 2 years ago.

Can’t fly, but I guess if you drive to Canada, you need an ID but not a passport.

Now she’s furiously looking for flights to Seattle and a rental car to go to Whistler. It’s really late. Frankly I DGAF. Cancel the entire thing and lose money along the way. I don’t care as long as I don’t have to check and carry a shit ton of stuff onto the airport. 

If I was going to fly to ski I'd go somewhere like Jackson Hole or Park City (from Texas). 

If I went to Vancouver to ski I'd be like... yeah this is neat but I kind of would rather be... in Vancouver. 

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

He'll have to pay you in Loonies. His wife converted all their money.

Vancouver Washington is close enough to Portland that I'm sure he's very familiar with loonies.

On 12/13/2021 at 5:22 PM, Paco said:

Here ya goda68d88a05ab5b1462cf3c8b2c125fe8.jpg

I thought YOU were "wood eye"

3 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

We're painting the office this weekend. Took down all the pictures and moved everything to the middle of the room so my wife could prep some during the week (she works from home). There were a bunch of anchors from the pictures stuck in the wall. Told her the easiest to do was screw a screw into them  part of the way then use the claw of the hammer to pry them out.

Get home and she said she could only get a couple out of the wall. I noticed that neither my hammer nor drill were in the room. She was trying to pry them out with a flat head screw driver. She goes to cook dinner, I spend about 3 minutes and get the other 15 or so out of the wall

Her "How did you do that so fast?"

Me "I did it the way I told you to do it."

 

tone

 

My aunt did something similar trying to remove baseboards with a crowbar and couldn't figure out why she kept denting the sheetrock.

5 hours ago, ztejas said:

If I was going to fly to ski I'd go somewhere like Jackson Hole or Park City (from Texas). 

If I went to Vancouver to ski I'd be like... yeah this is neat but I kind of would rather be... in Vancouver. 

Gonna take a wild guess that you have never been to Whistler, a.k.a th biggest and best ski resort in North America.

24 minutes ago, rage-a-holic said:

Gonna take a wild guess that you have never been to Whistler, a.k.a th biggest and best ski resort in North America.

Ya Whistler is pretty bad ass. 

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Well, it’s been 22 hours and we’ve finally settled into our hotel. But let’s rewind and go through all the “fun”’ we had throughout the day…

I woke up at 7 to my sound of my wife telling me about the flight and rental car options. She was probably up until 4am trying to salvage the trip. So I hop on the computer and buy the SNA-SEA tickets for $2400 - 3 hours before the flight. Reserve a car for another $400.

Once we’re on the plane and after the door closes (of course) she tells me to download the ArriveCAN app so we can upload our covid test results and immunization records. Of course I can’t do shit about it because there’s no service so I sit for 2.5 hours wondering if I have the documents they needed.

Finally get to SEA and successfully get our rental car from “Payless” Car Rental. Yeah… never heard of them either. Somehow I get a car from Avis - and it’s an AWD! This was seriously the highlight of the day. Until we load up all the luggage and realize my wife’s snowboard bag doesn’t fit unless we angle it up between the kids’ seats and I can’t see shit out the back window.

So we leave SEA and drive towards the border. Lemme tell you what… Seattle drivers are the worst. I mean 5 o’clock traffic in LA on a Friday means crawling on the freeway to get home. But traffic is moving fine, but there are 10 accidents leaving Seattle. Not joking. 10 accidents;

Snow started falling right before we get to the border. The wife and kids are excited. After we get across the border (passports for 3 of us, an expired passport and birth certificate for the girl) and we are back on the road. By then the snow is coming down hard. I’ve never really driven in snow before, and it is the complete opposite of awesome. Despite being AWD, the car still slid and drifted a bit. There was a traffic light at the bottom of a hill and hitting the brakes did nothing. I slid right through the intersection. Thankfully the car at the intersection was paying attention and didn’t let me T-bone him or her.

The next 3 hours was white knuckling through the hills in ice. But we made it. I’m fucking tired. Good night. 

Edited by Superhero

So, for a couple hours there, you were part of the Seattle team!!

48 minutes ago, Sam Lin said:

So, for a couple hours there, you were part of the Seattle team!!

Never. Fuck the Seattle team. Team Irvine for life. 

13 hours ago, rage-a-holic said:

Gonna take a wild guess that you have never been to Whistler, a.k.a th biggest and best ski resort in North America.

Yep. I’ve skied many places in the US, Canada, and Europe. Whistler/Blackcomb is by far the best. Best hills, best ski villages, best snow. Something for everyone. Really outstanding. 

1 hour ago, Superhero said:

Never. Fuck the Seattle team. Team Irvine for life. 

Lulz.  Just keep reminding yourself it’s all wheel drive, not all wheel stop.

It’s been snowing since last night non-stop. The powder is going to be lit AF.

I hurt my back majorly 2 weeks ago when I took the kids roller skating. (Dad! We don’t know how to skate, can you come with us?). I’m still popping Motrin 3-4 times a day.

Hurt back or not. I’m going fucking skiing. When it Rome right?

 

And I admit to being a whiny bitch up ‘til now. Gonna make the most of the next 4 days. 

9 hours ago, Superhero said:

Well, it’s been 22 hours and we’ve finally settled into our hotel. But let’s rewind and go through all the “fun”’ we had throughout the day…

I woke up at 7 to my sound of my wife telling me about the flight and rental car options. She was probably up until 4am trying to salvage the trip. So I hop on the computer and buy the SNA-SEA tickets for $2400 - 3 hours before the flight. Reserve a car for another $400.

Once we’re on the plane and after the door closes (of course) she tells me to download the ArriveCAN app so we can upload our covid test results and immunization records. Of course I can’t do shit about it because there’s no service so I sit for 2.5 hours wondering if I have the documents they needed.

Finally get to SEA and successfully get our rental car from “Payless” Car Rental. Yeah… never heard of them either. Somehow I get a car from Avis - and it’s an AWD! This was seriously the highlight of the day. Until we load up all the luggage and realize my wife’s snowboard bag doesn’t fit unless we angle it up between the kids’ seats and I can’t see shit out the back window.

So we leave SEA and drive towards the border. Lemme tell you what… Seattle drivers are the worst. I mean 5 o’clock traffic in LA on a Friday means crawling on the freeway to get home. But traffic is moving fine, but there are 10 accidents leaving Seattle. Not joking. 10 accidents;

Snow started falling right before we get to the border. The wife and kids are excited. After we get across the border (passports for 3 of us, an expired passport and birth certificate for the girl) and we are back on the road. By then the snow is coming down hard. I’ve never really driven in snow before, and it is the complete opposite of awesome. Despite being AWD, the car still slid and drifted a bit. There was a traffic light at the bottom of a hill and hitting the brakes did nothing. I slid right through the intersection. Thankfully the car at the intersection was paying attention and didn’t let me T-bone him or her.

The next 3 hours was white knuckling through the hills in ice. But we made it. I’m fucking tired. Good night. 

Sounds like our last Seattle to Whistler trip. "Hey, let's all save 30% flying SW into Seattle instead of Vancouver!".....never again.

3 hour drive to the border in a crowded minivan (rental co. only had one available) through heavy traffic and pouring rain, long border line, then finally getting within 3 miles of Whistler only to sit for 4 hours on an icy hill during a snowstorm while a jackknifed trailer accident got cleaned up.

I haven't skied there, but did spend a long Labor Day weekend there years ago when the wife was fun. It was great. Beautiful place.

6 hours ago, Anwar Namtut said:

...when the wife was fun. It was great. Beautiful place.

Does yours consistently complain about her feet or back?

"Can't walk all over ________ because feet."

"Can't sit in a car for ______ hours because back."

17 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Does yours consistently complain about her feet or back?

"Can't walk all over ________ because feet."

"Can't sit in a car for ______ hours because back."

The next time your pickup squeaks, trade it in on a newer model. Make sure your wife goes with you when you do it. Tell her she’s next. 

On 12/17/2021 at 11:16 AM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Ha Ha, this reminds me of my first ex when we lived in Denver.  We lived on an acre and had a pretty big shed with a cement floor.  We kept the riding lawnmower in the shed.  One Saturday morning she comes upstairs and wakes me up saying that she got up early and decided to mow the yard, but there was a small problem.  Apparently, she had filled the riding lawnmower up with gas, spilled a little on the shed floor, set the gas can down beside the mower, and tried to start it.  The mower backfired igniting the gas on the shed floor which then spread to the gas can.  By the time I got outside the entire shed was a massive fireball.  We didn't even have to call the fire department because they could see the blaze from the firehouse.  We ended up with two pumpers at the house, but they just ended up letting the shed burn itself out while making sure it didn't spread to any houses.  In the end, we were left with only the slab with a large mound of solidified molten metal that used to be the riding lawnmower.

She sounds like one hella hot woman!  Right? Right!?!?  See what I did there?

On 12/18/2021 at 7:28 PM, ROFL BOX said:

Does yours consistently complain about her feet or back?

"Can't walk all over ________ because feet."

"Can't sit in a car for ______ hours because back."

Nah, usually just a "killer headache" or "my stomach is really upset." 

  • Popular Post

We had to go to a ceremony at our kids school last week and had to get there by 3 for the check-in process etc. She says she has something for work to do but should be done by 2:45 . She works from home and we live about 12 minutes from school so I'm already skeptical.  

Me: it's 230, you going to be ready on time?

Her: Yes one more quick call to whoever the fuck

Me: it's 245, are you ready?

Her: Blah blah blah (still on phone)

Me: its 2:52, we gotta go NOW. 

Her: (Motioning to me:1 second! ) blah blah blah on phone ( nothing important or relevant to work at this point)

2:57 we get in the car.  I'm fuming but don't say anything because I don't want to be arguing when we get there) I get on the toll road and am going about 85, 90 when I can. I see a cop lurking by an on-ramp on our side or the road 

Me: " Fuck!", slowing rapidly.  She sees cop

Her: You better not get pulled over! 

Me: 

unnamed.png.11e8aff0932bbc5924d63ab113a8f419.png

Yesterday, I got to hear the wife's reenactment of her harrowing trip to Mcdonald's to get our breakfast. It even included her rendition of the (I'm assuming) handicapped man who's speech was unintelligible to everyone in the restaurant. After a few minutes of hearing her mumble like the elephant man, I said "I get it" to try and speed things up but TONE.

43 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Yesterday, I got to hear the wife's reenactment of her harrowing trip to Mcdonald's to get our breakfast. It even included her rendition of the (I'm assuming) handicapped man who's speech was unintelligible to everyone in the restaurant. After a few minutes of hearing her mumble like the elephant man, I said "I get it" to try and speed things up but TONE.

The horror.

50 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Yesterday, I got to hear the wife's reenactment of her harrowing trip to Mcdonald's to get our breakfast. It even included her rendition of the (I'm assuming) handicapped man who's speech was unintelligible to everyone in the restaurant. After a few minutes of hearing her mumble like the elephant man, I said "I get it" to try and speed things up but TONE.

McDonald's has simplified and streamlined their ordering process so meticulously that a trained monkey could pull it off. It even defeats their most incompetent employees attempt's at throwing a wrench into the system. 

I mean it isn't like she went to Popeye's.

Edited by ztejas

1 hour ago, Sandman said:

Yesterday, I got to hear the wife's reenactment of her harrowing trip to Mcdonald's to get our breakfast. It even included her rendition of the (I'm assuming) handicapped man who's speech was unintelligible to everyone in the restaurant. After a few minutes of hearing her mumble like the elephant man, I said "I get it" to try and speed things up but TONE.

 

On 12/18/2021 at 1:43 PM, Anwar Namtut said:

but did spend a long Labor Day weekend there years ago when the wife was fun

lulz

3 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

We had to go to a ceremony at our kids school last week and had to get there by 3 for the check-in process etc. She says she has something for work to do but should be done by 2:45 . She works from home and we live about 12 minutes from school so I'm already skeptical.  

Me: it's 230, you going to be ready on time?

Her: Yes one more quick call to whoever the fuck

Me: it's 245, are you ready?

Her: Blah blah blah (still on phone)

Me: its 2:52, we gotta go NOW. 

Her: (Motioning to me:1 second! ) blah blah blah on phone ( nothing important or relevant to work at this point)

2:57 we get in the car.  I'm fuming but don't say anything because I don't want to be arguing when we get there) I get on the toll road and am going about 85, 90 when I can. I see a cop lurking by an on-ramp on our side or the road 

Me: " Fuck!", slowing rapidly.  She sees cop

Her: You better not get pulled over! 

Me: 

unnamed.png.11e8aff0932bbc5924d63ab113a8f419.png

All that to say you have a corded house phone?

I tell my wife and kids I’m not going to drive faster just because they took forever to get out of the house. If they’re late, they’re late.

Driving extra fast to get somewhere gets you there maybe 1-2 minutes faster at best. Not worth it.

Just to make this relevant to the thread… “woman, why do you always take a shit right before we go to church?”

5 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

All that to say you have a corded house phone?

There's this fancy thing called an IP phone 

my wife asked me if i could give "our amazon guy" something or other, i forget. 

no-country-for-old-men-tommy-lee-jones.j

this look accompanied by "you think we have one amazon guy?" was not appreciated.

  • Popular Post
15 minutes ago, hayden_horn said:

my wife asked me if i could give "our amazon guy" something or other, i forget. 

no-country-for-old-men-tommy-lee-jones.j

this look accompanied by "you think we have one amazon guy?" was not appreciated.

Maybe she does. 

My wife likes to sleep in on the weekends, I’m totally down with it, she gets up super early during the week and it gives me quiet time to drink my coffee, etc.

Last Saturday we had people over to make Christmas cookies. It’s chaotic but lots of fun. 10 am she gets up and is huffing around trying to clean, get things ready, etc. I always enjoy reminding her that is she got up with me she wouldn’t be so pressed for time.

Any guesses as to how Christmas is going to go?

19 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

There's this fancy thing called an IP phone 

Will it work more than 50 yard away from the house?

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