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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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That flow chart cannot be correct, there is actually a path to End of Story. And Apologize? wtf? Maybe how your GF tells a story, definitely not wife.

On 3/15/2022 at 11:48 AM, nnm said:

MLM. They prey on the housewives. I don’t know how many my wife has been approached about over the years. Thankfully she’s been educated about the game and hasn’t fallen for it. 

 

On 3/15/2022 at 12:11 PM, Mo Horn said:

Pyramid scheme is the better description. 

 

I know several dudes who fell for the "Holiday Bourbon Exchange" last Christmas on Facebook. Exact same thing except the money was laundered into booze. You never got anything back unless you recruited more dumbasses into the pyramid. 

Wife-" Where is blah blah going to school?"

Son- " Maine Maritime Academy "

Wife- "Where's that?"

Son-

230114_908223010.jpg.5e1ed2273349bcc40cf3c3466580878c.jpg

 

 

On 3/18/2022 at 7:16 PM, ocugolf said:

image.jpeg.0bf73eac663814083eee1478ed4a0017.jpeg

Wife started to tell a story tonight that myself and the other person involved had heard before, but may have been a bit hazy on.  Immediately told her to tell the short version.  Literally in the first sentence she started to give too many details and I interjected with "NOPE.  Too long."  She then tried to correct, but just started down another tangent so I just gave her the Seinfeld "i'm out" motion and walked away.

1 hour ago, Biff Tannen said:

Wife started to tell a story tonight that myself and the other person involved had heard before, but may have been a bit hazy on.  Immediately told her to tell the short version.  Literally in the first sentence she started to give too many details and I interjected with "NOPE.  Too long."  She then tried to correct, but just started down another tangent so I just gave her the Seinfeld "i'm out" motion and walked away.

No sexy time for you. But understand your predicament. Condolences.

Edited by mininghorn88

She loaded 2 discombobulated fingers into the dishwasher?

7 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

She loaded 2 discombobulated fingers into the dishwasher?

With nasty fingernails 

On 3/14/2022 at 8:03 AM, deadshank said:

Mrs. Deadshank:  Hey, I bought some vintage (used) boots for the upcoming rodeos.  They were a great deal.  Only $250!!

Me:  Oh, OK, hon.


 (3 weeks later)

Mrs. Deadshank:  I’m selling the vintage (used) boots to Molly.  I don’t like them that much.   She’s paying me $50 for them!   That’s awesome!

Me: Uh, didn’t you just pay $250 for them three weeks ago?  Now you’re unloading them for $50?  And that’s awesome?  How is that awesome?

Mrs. Deadshank:  Well $50 is the going rate for vintage (used) boots.   It’s a great deal!!

Me:  If $50 is the going rate then why did you pay $250?

Mrs. Deadshank:  tone. 

Are we married to the same woman?

3 minutes ago, lilMAC25 said:

Are we married to the same woman?

Are you broke and not getting any mogambo?

 

If so, then yes   

 

On 9/21/2021 at 7:04 PM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

1dd0671149c0ab954c0a6cb0a9f02599.jpg

This looks fun. Too bad we have no pets.

Damnit, this. My wife bought one (might be this one, might be slightly different) because the dogs were making messes. She never figured out how to use it.

 

6 month later. She RENTS a carpet shampooer from Kroger because she couldn’t figure out how to use the Bissell. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid for a few weeks.

 

Then a few years later she sold the virtually unused (I think I used it 2-3 times) Bissell for 1/3 or less of the original purchase price. 
 

again, I didn’t get laid for a while after that.

Edited by lilMAC25

8 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

She loaded 2 discombobulated fingers into the dishwasher?

I load forks with the tines pointing down and I’d put that plastic container on the top rack. I don’t know what those things on the bottom right are.

24 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I load forks with the tines pointing down and I’d put that plastic container on the top rack. I don’t know what those things on the bottom right are.

Wash that plastic thing by hand.  It's just going to end up upside down full of water and dish soap.

44 minutes ago, lilMAC25 said:

Damnit, this. My wife bought one (might be this one, might be slightly different) because the dogs were making messes. She never figured out how to use it.

 

6 month later. She RENTS a carpet shampooer from Kroger because she couldn’t figure out how to use the Bissell. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid for a few weeks.

 

Then a few years later she sold the virtually unused (I think I used it 2-3 times) Bissell for 1/3 or less of the original purchase price. 
 

again, I didn’t get laid for a while after that.

Until your wife buys not one, but two Kirby vacuums from a door-to-door salesman, you got nothing to complain about.  With two, it brought the price down to $1000 each. 

1 minute ago, Jerry Callo said:

Until your wife buys not one, but two Kirby vacuums from a door-to-door salesman, you got nothing to complain about.  With two, it brought the price down to $1000 each. 

She’s banging the Kirby guy. Sorry to be the one to tell you. 

  • Popular Post
On 10/16/2021 at 3:16 AM, 956 Worldwide said:

Stupid shit husbands and wives do. Had planned a short family trip and the budget carrier was the only one that flies to our destination. Wife was the one planning everything so she booked tickets. 
 

Cause of a family issue she had to fly home to help her mom but she insisted we go anyway. “Don’t worry, I’ll have lots of time there, I’ll check you in and send all the documents.”

 

Morning of the flight she sends screenshots of the “you are checked in” screen but NOT the boarding passes. Did not have phone with her to send the actual passes. I pay the 20 buck “boarding pass reprint fee” for me and the kids.

 

Stupid shit husbands do because I should have insisted she send me all the confirmation number and checked in on my own. 

Wife: Could you pick up food for the kids?

Me: Where?

Wife: McDonald’s.

Me: Gross, but ok. Text me what you want me to order. (This is very important to the story)

Wife: OK.

Me: Driving to McGross, receives a text.

Wife: I placed an order using the McDisgusting App

Me: Ok. 
 

Wife: Just show them this picture. Pic of order number and info included.

Huge line when I pull up. Almost out to the street.

Me (to McDrone): I’ve got a pickup order, the number is 8675309.

McDrone: Pull around.

Me: waiting 25 fucking minutes to get to the window.

Wife: Have you picked it up yet? Kids are hungry.

Me: Still not to window yet. 

Me: Shows McDrone the picture.

McDrone: Is this a picture of the order? 
 

Me: It is.

McDrone: I’ll have to get my manager. Please pull up to 3rd window.

McManager: Sir we need the actual phone that the order was placed on.

Me: Seriously? I just waited 45 min for your McGarbage and despite you having this order at the restaurant and me having a picture of it you won’t give it to me?

McManager: That’s correct.

Me: May I place the exact same order here and pay for it here? 

McManager: We can’t take payments or orders at this window, you’ll have to pull around and go through the line again.

Wife: Are you almost home?

Me: [seething as I pull around] I asked you to tell me what to order.

Wife: What happened? 

Me: Describes issue.

Wife: Kids are really hungry, please go through line.

Me: I’m back in line, what is order?

I finally get home, she’s pissed that I took so long. It took everything I had not to flip out because she’s mad at me for having to go through the line 2x (took well over an hr), because her plan made more sense to her.

Wife: ”It’s never been an issue before”

Me: Whose phone did you order on?

Her: Mine.

Me: Whose phone did you show them?

Her: Mine.

Me: 

Will Forte Reaction GIF by The Lonely Island
 

Oh, and she got madder when I made her get onto the app and cancel the order, which led to her having to call McDonald’s corporate. 
 

Edited by lilMAC25

Just now, Cheeseweasel said:

Divorce thread—->

🤣

 

Not yet. I took a job closer to our parents (on both sides) for the kids and her.
 

We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).

 

I’m sure after a few months living with her mother (they are best friends, but don’t really get along after more than a few hrs, if that makes any sense) while under the stress of building a house, I might need that thread.

59 minutes ago, lilMAC25 said:

We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).

dis gon b gud this is gonna be good GIF

1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

Wash that plastic thing by hand.  It's just going to end up upside down full of water and dish soap.

Yeah, I wash most everything by hand anyway. I clean as I go and won’t put my nice knives, pots, and pans in the washer. If I was going to put a plastic container in the washer, though, I’d at least wipe it out with a paper towel first and put it in the top rack. But usually it gets mostly clean by running hot water on it so a quick hand scrub with detergent and a scrunge gets the job done.

Someone mentioned above about having two dish towels hanging out. I have a drying rack but there’s a convenient use for a third dish towel that serves the same purpose. Just lay it out on the counter to let things with nooks and crannies that you can’t dry completely by hand, like plastic storage containers and their lids, or parts of your coffee maker, or a box grater, or parts of my rice cooker, finish drying.

Fun fact: I used my rice cooker a number of times before I looked more closely at the manual and discovered it had something called a “condensation collector.” It has a steam vent so I never expected it would need such a thing. That little plastic reservoir was pretty nasty. It was easy to clean, though. But there is no possible way that you could dry it with a towel. And you couldn’t put it in the dishwasher. So that has to be laid out to dry.

Still wondering what those things are on the bottom right of that pic. 

On 11/23/2021 at 1:08 PM, Buzzrock said:


Yup. I used to yell, “AND???” which of course would get me in trouble. Now I just don’t care.

And yes, it’s always while she’s looking at her phone. Which is all the time.

Phone time. I have a doozie.

 

 

last year we drove to Breckenridge, CO from Houston. It was an awesome trip, other than my being sick the entire time.

 

My wife stayed on the phone (surfing) the entire time we were on the road.
 

When we would stop for lunch or hotel, I’d read my phone. It would make her so mad.
 

“Why are you on your phone? You don’t want to talk to me?”

Darlin, we’ve been driving for 6 hrs and you’ve barely talked. I’ve been having conversations with the kids. Now I’m the asshole for wanting to know what’s going on in the OhioSt/Mich game?

Edited by lilMAC25

2 hours ago, lilMAC25 said:

🤣

 

Not yet. I took a job closer to our parents (on both sides) for the kids and her.
 

We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).

 

I’m sure after a few months living with her mother (they are best friends, but don’t really get along after more than a few hrs, if that makes any sense) while under the stress of building a house, I might need that thread.

Dude.  Bad idea jeans.  I can't think of a worse combination of new home build/living with in-laws for a marriage.  If you stay together I will be impressed.

Also, I learned the words "mogambo" and "scrunge" on this thread today.

4 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I load forks with the tines pointing down and I’d put that plastic container on the top rack. I don’t know what those things on the bottom right are.

My in laws load the dishwasher with the knives and forks pointing up.  Guess they like to get stabbed.

On 12/20/2021 at 9:04 PM, Superhero said:

I tell my wife and kids I’m not going to drive faster just because they took forever to get out of the house. If they’re late, they’re late.

Driving extra fast to get somewhere gets you there maybe 1-2 minutes faster at best. Not worth it.

Just to make this relevant to the thread… “woman, why do you always take a shit right before we go to church?”

lolthis

 

my wife is late for EVERYTHING. And she constantly blames me…

 

 

today, I’m sick, so I’m not going to church. She’s just taking 1 kid (of 3) as the others are sick as well.

 

20 min drive to our church which begins at 1200. 
 

She comes downstairs at 1155. 
Star Wars Reaction GIF by MOODMAN

13 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Dude.  Bad idea jeans.  I can't think of a worse combination of new home build/living with in-laws for a marriage.  If you stay together I will be impressed.

Also, I learned the words "mogambo" and "scrunge" on this thread today.

I actually really enjoy being around her parents. We get along great. 
 

The issue won’t be on my end.

 

 

I do worry about it some though.

Edited by lilMAC25

13 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

My in laws load the dishwasher with the knives and forks pointing up.  Guess they like to get stabbed.

I mean, they’re called handles for a reason. That and the dirty parts should always be pointing down toward the water source. 

41 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I mean, they’re called handles for a reason. That and the dirty parts should always be pointing down toward the water source. 

Counterpoint: Women. 

[emoji1787]
 
Not yet. I took a job closer to our parents (on both sides) for the kids and her.
 
We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).
 
I’m sure after a few months living with her mother (they are best friends, but don’t really get along after more than a few hrs, if that makes any sense) while under the stress of building a house, I might need that thread.

Dude. We are living the exact same life right now. We are doing those same things. Wife and MIL act the same way too.
11 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:


Dude. We are living the exact same life right now. We are doing those same things. Wife and MIL act the same way too.

I plan to rail their daughter as often as possible in every hole while at their house. Hopefully it will relieve as much of her stress as it will mine.

Happy Toddlers And Tiaras GIF

Edited by lilMAC25

1 hour ago, lilMAC25 said:

I plan to rail their daughter as often as possible in every hole while at their house. Hopefully it will relieve as much of her stress as it will mine.

Happy Toddlers And Tiaras GIF

 

Idi Amin Laugh GIF - Idi Amin Laugh Lol GIFs

1 hour ago, lilMAC25 said:

I plan to rail their daughter as often as possible in every hole while at their house. Hopefully it will relieve as much of her stress as it will mine.

Happy Toddlers And Tiaras GIF

In the room her high school boyfriends used to crawl in and out of the window from...? 

Peanut Butter No GIF by Jif

22 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

In the room her high school boyfriends used to crawl in and out of the window from...? 

Peanut Butter No GIF by Jif

Hell yes. 
 

actually, the room we will stay in was her brother’s room, so technically, You’re correct.

Edited by lilMAC25

7 hours ago, lilMAC25 said:

🤣

 

Not yet. I took a job closer to our parents (on both sides) for the kids and her.
 

We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).

 

I’m sure after a few months living with her mother (they are best friends, but don’t really get along after more than a few hrs, if that makes any sense) while under the stress of building a house, I might need that thread.

avatar checks out

  • Popular Post
1 hour ago, lilMAC25 said:

Hell yes. 
 

actually, the room we will stay in was her brother’s room, so technically, You’re correct.

images.jpeg.34eb2c58d0db99a246661f8c4b694555.jpeg

  • Popular Post
22 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Yeah, I wash most everything by hand anyway. I clean as I go and won’t put my nice knives, pots, and pans in the washer. If I was going to put a plastic container in the washer, though, I’d at least wipe it out with a paper towel first and put it in the top rack. But usually it gets mostly clean by running hot water on it so a quick hand scrub with detergent and a scrunge gets the job done.

Someone mentioned above about having two dish towels hanging out. I have a drying rack but there’s a convenient use for a third dish towel that serves the same purpose. Just lay it out on the counter to let things with nooks and crannies that you can’t dry completely by hand, like plastic storage containers and their lids, or parts of your coffee maker, or a box grater, or parts of my rice cooker, finish drying.

Fun fact: I used my rice cooker a number of times before I looked more closely at the manual and discovered it had something called a “condensation collector.” It has a steam vent so I never expected it would need such a thing. That little plastic reservoir was pretty nasty. It was easy to clean, though. But there is no possible way that you could dry it with a towel. And you couldn’t put it in the dishwasher. So that has to be laid out to dry.

Still wondering what those things are on the bottom right of that pic. 

Please review the "how my wife tells a story" diagram above and internalize its lessons. This post is terrible.

2 minutes ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

And he’s an old drunk single man. 

Lucky bastard.

6 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

Please review the "how my wife tells a story" diagram above and internalize its lessons. This post is terrible.

 Nothing wrong with that post. And nothing wrong with hanging two dish towels. 

8 minutes ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

And he’s an old drunk single man. 

Don't judge me.

1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

 Nothing wrong with that post. And nothing wrong with hanging two dish towels. 

I didn't make it that far

On 3/20/2022 at 12:39 PM, WhatTheBuck said:

I mean, they’re called handles for a reason. That and the dirty parts should always be pointing down toward the water source. 

According to my research (Martha Stewart) it is strictly personal preference nowadays with the newer dishwasher (electric not wife) models.

According to my research (Martha Stewart) it is strictly personal preference nowadays with the newer dishwasher (electric not wife) models.

It has nothing to do with the water, and everything to do with the person putting their hands on the end of the utensil that will carry the food to my mouth. No thanks, I’ll eat somewhere else!
11 minutes ago, General Specific said:


It has nothing to do with the water, and everything to do with the person putting their hands on the end of the utensil that will carry the food to my mouth. No thanks, I’ll eat somewhere else!

That they likely prepared with the same hands?  Where do you eat that no one touches anything with their hands?

32 minutes ago, General Specific said:


It has nothing to do with the water, and everything to do with the person putting their hands on the end of the utensil that will carry the food to my mouth. No thanks, I’ll eat somewhere else!

You can't point all the spoons down or they'll start spooning and won't get cleaned.  You wife's or kid's dirty hands are touching all your plates/bowls as well.

 

6 minutes ago, Gene Parmesan said:

You can't point all the spoons down or they'll start spooning and won't get cleaned.  You wife's or kid's dirty hands are touching all your plates/bowls as well.

 

3807390f61fc9de49c37a9d66136d866--tobias

7 hours ago, huge said:

That they likely prepared with the same hands?  Where do you eat that no one touches anything with their hands?

Do they put on gloves before handling your bowl and plate also?

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