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1 hour ago, Al_4_ISU said:

A lot of soup recipes call for one potato 

It’s one potato, Michael, what could it cost? $10?

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The New Yorker occasionally had some good cartoons.

But back when you started reading it, it was the New Amsterdamer.
11 hours ago, Js1 said:

It’s one potato, Michael, what could it cost? $10?

I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond.

How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
6 hours ago, Beau Vine said:
How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?

Leave South Austin's mom's snatch out of this

On 12/24/2022 at 8:55 AM, Brisketexan said:


But back when you started reading it, it was the New Amsterdamer.

My great (x8) grandfather was the last Dutch governor of New Amsterdam, so this hits close to home. 

On 12/23/2022 at 8:57 PM, Armybrat said:

The New Yorker occasionally had some good cartoons.

xbw7PV5-GRMyDLBjzLi1hC4dGlydidYMLYJN7WMk

On 12/23/2022 at 7:31 PM, tbone_ said:


I like the New Yorker. I wouldn’t read it either but I do miss the days when we had time for long reads.

This. I really miss the Saturday and Sunday morning of reading the paper with my coffee.

  • Popular Post

So the wife asks me if any co-workers gave me a Christmas gift.

Me: I got a box of really good toffee, I'll bring it home next time I go in.

Her:  *makes a face*  well that's weird. Seems like an odd gift.

Me; No, not really, I got some before- it's really good.

Her: Doesn't that hurt your teeth?

Me: I guess it can??

I come home with the toffee, open the box to give her some.

Her: *gets that little kid look on her face, I know some Trixie shit is coming* Oh, THIS is toffee??  I thought it was pink and stretchy.

Me: For fucks sake, that's Taffy. 

Pro Tip: if you keep one side piece who's name is Toffee and one who's name is Taffy, you never need to worry about remembering the right name!

18 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

So the wife asks me if any co-workers gave me a Christmas gift.

Me: I got a box of really good toffee, I'll bring it home next time I go in.

Her:  *makes a face*  well that's weird. Seems like an odd gift.

Me; No, not really, I got some before- it's really good.

Her: Doesn't that hurt your teeth?

Me: I guess it can??

I come home with the toffee, open the box to give her some.

Her: *gets that little kid look on her face, I know some Trixie shit is coming* Oh, THIS is toffee??  I thought it was pink and stretchy.

Me: For fucks sake, that's Taffy. 

What kind of toffee is it?  

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

What kind of toffee is it?  

The pink stretchy kind. 

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

What kind of toffee is it?  

Mrs. Weinstein's dark chocolate almond.  Noice.

Nothing says Christmas like Mrs. Weinstein.
You know they control the toffee industry, right?

- Kanye, probably

We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 

Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg

The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 

Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 

It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.

So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.

 

We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 
Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg
The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 
Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 
It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.
So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.
 

My husband does the same shit. He also puts the heat pump on emergency mode. It is a constant fucking battle and our bill is going to be awesome.

My wife leaves the second floor low and cranks up the heat on the first so that it will radiate through the house but not blow hot air on her.

26 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

My wife leaves the second floor low and cranks up the heat on the first so that it will radiate through the house but not blow hot air on her.

She knows bouyancy

latest?cb=20151021051306
 

18 hours ago, tigol said:


My husband does the same shit. He also puts the heat pump on emergency mode. It is a constant fucking battle and our bill is going to be awesome.

Shit, have you tried mansplaining to him what emergency mode is/does? Tell him to keep his f'ing hands off the thermostat and go back to making you a sandwich and opening that beer.

Shit, have you tried mansplaining to him what emergency mode is/does? Tell him to keep his f'ing hands off the thermostat and go back to making you a sandwich and opening that beer.

Yes. Many times. I sent him several links. But, I am a female and there is no way in hell I know more about it. Infuriating.

Why don’t you tell your little man child to come have a quick chat with us

  • Popular Post

So kids and I get the wife gift cards to this store she routinely spends too much at. Checking account always takes an ass whipping in December so we got these a couple months in advance.  She announces she's taking her cards there today. Ok great.  Comes home with a bunch of chick crap a couple hours later. I'm checking the bank account to pay some bills and see a fairly significant amount charged at the same store ....

Me : Why do I see this charge? That's why we got you the gift cards. 

Her: I didn't see anything big I really wanted. I'm saving the gift cards for that. 

Me: The point of the gift cards is to not impact the checking account. Now it's actually twice as much impact on the checking account 

Her: (confused puppy that hears a strange noise look)...how? I only spent X. 

Me: We got you gift cards for X, you just spent X from our account instead of the gift card. That's 2X total. 

Her: more confusion + tone

Me: (I better shut up if I want to have any activities tonight).

Happy Hour Reaction GIF by Laff 

 

Edited by Dennis Taylor

4 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

So kids and I get the wife gift cards to this store she routinely spends too much at. Checking account always takes an ass whipping in December so we got these a couple months in advance.  She announces she's taking her cards there today. Ok great.  Comes home with a bunch of chick crap a couple hours later. I'm checking the bank account to pay some bills and see a fairly significant amount charged at the same store ....

Me : Why do I see this charge? That's why we got you the gift cards. 

Her: I didn't see anything big I really wanted. I'm saving the gift cards for that. 

Me: The point of the gift cards is to not impact the checking account. Now it's actually twice as much impact on the checking account 

Her: (confused puppy that hears a strange noise look)...how? I only spent X. 

Me: We got you gift cards for X, you just spent X from our account instead of the gift card. That's 2X total. 

Her: more confusion + tone

Me: (I better shut up if I want to have any activities tonight).

Happy Hour Reaction GIF by Laff 

 

Start asking for gift cards and do the same thing. You'll have a new set of irons, a shotgun, or whatever in no time.

So kids and I get the wife gift cards to this store she routinely spends too much at. Checking account always takes an ass whipping in December so we got these a couple months in advance.  She announces she's taking her cards there today. Ok great.  Comes home with a bunch of chick crap a couple hours later. I'm checking the bank account to pay some bills and see a fairly significant amount charged at the same store ....
Me : Why do I see this charge? That's why we got you the gift cards. 
Her: I didn't see anything big I really wanted. I'm saving the gift cards for that. 
Me: The point of the gift cards is to not impact the checking account. Now it's actually twice as much impact on the checking account 
Her: (confused puppy that hears a strange noise look)...how? I only spent X. 
Me: We got you gift cards for X, you just spent X from our account instead of the gift card. That's 2X total. 
Her: more confusion + tone
Me: (I better shut up if I want to have any activities tonight).
200.gif 
 

There is no way to win. You realize this right?

There is no way to win. You realize this right?

Ronald Spiers had advice for combat that applied analogously to such marital conundrums: “The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead.”
  • Popular Post

I posted this joke from reddit on the Lame Joke thread, but fits here.

Quote

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

 

On 12/29/2022 at 2:45 PM, 52-80 said:

We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 

Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg

The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 

Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 

It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.

So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.

 

Then lock the keypad and don't give her app access. 

On 12/29/2022 at 2:45 PM, 52-80 said:

We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 

Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg

The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 

Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 

It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.

So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.

 

Curious,  whereabouts do you live to have a whopper electric bill like that?

9 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Curious,  whereabouts do you live to have a whopper electric bill like that?

Somewhere where a møøse can bite your sister.

Just now, Cheeseweasel said:

Somewhere where a møøse can bite your sister.

Poor Moose would gag.

On 12/16/2022 at 7:42 AM, Lhorn said:

Last night I was talking with the wife on the phone while we were both driving home (both on Bluetooth, not holding a phone).  All of a sudden she say “oh God!” Followed by a bunch of muffled noises for 5 seconds or so.  I truly thought I was hearing her have a car accident.  Turns out she had run up on a median of some sort.  As she tried to move the car off of it, she could hear scraping underneath the car.  I told her to call AAA and not tear the hole in the oil pan trying to move the car.  A Good Samaritan was able to check it out and help her back the car off the obstruction with no apparent damage to the car. 
 

This morning she calls me and tells me she ripped the passenger side mirror off the fucking car backing the car out of the garage. 
 

For fuck sake.   She’s done that at least 3-4 times with her previous cars.  

My wife did this with our four month old (well, four month old to us) Honda Pilot with some door and fender damage for good measure, and then she did the same thing to the Ford Escape rental we used while our car was in the shop.

18 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Curious,  whereabouts do you live to have a whopper electric bill like that?

Somewhere in Norway. Interesting. 

On 12/31/2022 at 5:40 PM, Dennis Taylor said:

So kids and I get the wife gift cards to this store she routinely spends too much at. Checking account always takes an ass whipping in December so we got these a couple months in advance.  She announces she's taking her cards there today. Ok great.  Comes home with a bunch of chick crap a couple hours later. I'm checking the bank account to pay some bills and see a fairly significant amount charged at the same store ....

Me : Why do I see this charge? That's why we got you the gift cards. 

Her: I didn't see anything big I really wanted. I'm saving the gift cards for that. 

Me: The point of the gift cards is to not impact the checking account. Now it's actually twice as much impact on the checking account 

Her: (confused puppy that hears a strange noise look)...how? I only spent X. 

Me: We got you gift cards for X, you just spent X from our account instead of the gift card. That's 2X total. 

Her: more confusion + tone

Me: (I better shut up if I want to have any activities tonight).

Happy Hour Reaction GIF by Laff 

 

I got to “gift cards” in the first sentence and knew where you were going

On 12/29/2022 at 2:45 PM, 52-80 said:

We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 

Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg

The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 

Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 

It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.

So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.

 

You have remote access to all that data but can't shut it off remotely?

17 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

You have remote access to all that data but can't shut it off remotely?

That feed comes from the electricity provider. I guess I can ask them to terminate the contract…

We were at our cabin for Christmas, and I had driven my F150. My wife insisted on going to town with one of my daughters for some after-Christmas shopping.

They get home after dark, and I see her maneuvering back and forth in the driveway. I go outside to help because I was afraid she would hit someone else’s car. By the time I got out there, she - with my daughter as navigator -  only had one tire on the concrete.

It’s not as flat as it appears in this pic, but if she had continued backing up, she would’ve been down in the creek. As it turns out, she had unilaterally decided to drive my daughter to the airport for her early morning flight and didn’t want to back out of the driveway in the dark.

I told her to pull onto flat ground and let me park the truck. Zoom in for tire tracks as well as snow tracks:

270-DBB89-852-C-46-CC-ADE5-2-E44-EC21-B5

Edited by ImissWallyPryor

My wife did this with our four month old (well, four month old to us) Honda Pilot with some door and fender damage for good measure, and then she did the same thing to the Ford Escape rental we used while our car was in the shop.
129adb484b30a56c59a5efdd4458236f.gif
  • Popular Post

So my youngest likes popcorn. Who doesn’t. My wife thought it would be a good idea to get this for him for Christmas. WTF am I going to do with this thing? It stays in the way of a small audio video closet. And no we haven’t used it yet, but yes he has had microwave popcorn twice since Christmas.

e9731f508ae39a6047fb1cb51cff9081.jpg

On 12/24/2022 at 7:17 AM, Al_4_ISU said:

A lot of soup recipes call for one potato 

Who in the hell uses a recipe for soup? Just start throwing shit in there and quit when it looks/feels right.

  • Popular Post

This just happened.


Wife: (watching a movie) Hey, what's the name of that Spider-Man guy?

Me: Tobey McGuire? Andrew Garfield? Tom Holland?

Wife: No, the old Stan Lee guy.

Me: Stan Lee?

Wife: Yes! What's his name?

Me: Uh...Stan Lee.

(10 second pause)

Wife: Oh! Well, he has a cameo in this movie.

You should have told her that can’t be him because he’s dead
Dammit. You just made me go check. He died in 2018. Movie (The Nice Guys) was released in 2016. So he COULD have made a caneo.

BUT...

He's not listed on IMDB as being in it and I can find no reference to him in it.

Makes me wonder if she saw Hal Dion and got mistaken.

44ccc3e3ff7b36f85a0e3640a1d4d03f.jpg

Edit: Now she's scrolling back through the movie to find him so I can check.

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