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My wife often calls me on her way home from work to discuss our dinner options. It's amazing how many "near wrecks" she sees on the highway, or how many times she has had to avoid an accident. Strangely, all of these terrible drivers seem to stay home whenever I happen to be driving us somewhere. It's almost like she's being overdramatic, but that would be ridiculous.

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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1 hour ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

I have a great idea.  Let's buy something we like, yet continue to search for something similar for .04 cents cheaper. 

Mine is the opposite. Buys the first hit on Amazon despite the fact that the "off brand" of the same damn thing is 50% cheaper.

29 minutes ago, Sandman said:

My wife often calls me on her way home from work to discuss our dinner options. It's amazing how many "near wrecks" she sees on the highway, or how many times she has had to avoid an accident. Strangely, all of these terrible drivers seem to stay home whenever I happen to be driving us somewhere. It's almost like she's being overdramatic, but that would be ridiculous.

She's causing the "near wrecks".

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On 1/24/2023 at 3:02 PM, Kennythetiger said:

@CHAD BRISCOE isn’t it “low and behole”…?  

keep My name out youre Mouth bitch

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

She's causing the "near wrecks".

Nah, I drive with her all the time and she's fine. She's just a drama queen. Raining outside? It's a "torrential downpour!". Windy out there? "The wind is INSANE!". Guy driving really fast on the interstate? "OMG that guy is a FREAK! He almost hit someone!". I tease her all the time about her "script", she won't even deny it.

23 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Nah, I drive with her all the time and she's fine. She's just a drama queen. Raining outside? It's a "torrential downpour!". Windy out there? "The wind is INSANE!". Guy driving really fast on the interstate? "OMG that guy is a FREAK! He almost hit someone!". I tease her all the time about her "script", she won't even deny it.

Congrats on marrying a woman.

5 hours ago, Snake Diggity said:

Talking about our daughter starting piano lessons.  
 

Mrs Snake Diggity: “You know I took piano lessons when I was a kid.  But only for a year.  Then I took a piano class in college.”

Me: “Can you play any songs?”

MSD: “Maybe.  I had to do a recital for the college class.  I played ‘Strawberry Fields’.”

Me: “oh cool, I like that song.” *hums the chorus of Strawberry Fields by The Beatles*
 

MSD: “Wait…no, not Strawberry Fields.  ‘Scoberry Fields.”

Me: *spends ten fucking minutes guessing song names and singing their chorus lines, then finally…* “You mean Scarborough Fair?”

MSD: “Yes!!! ScarLborough Fair!  Hahahahaha.”

Me: “hahahah I love you.”

MSD: “You’re gonna post this on that fucking website, aren’t you.”

How does that conversation not end in five seconds with her saying, “You know, the one that goes, ‘Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme’”?

16 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

How does that conversation not end in five seconds with her saying, “You know, the one that goes, ‘Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme’”?

Because she'd get the spices wrong?

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On 2/7/2023 at 2:13 PM, BHMCruiser said:

I do that and also put all the kids to work. In addition to cleaning and laundry, we change lightbulbs, replace toilet seats, eat really good meals, do yard work, and also try to do at least one project my wife has mentioned in passing ("hey just FYI the kids and I got your car detailed and built a firepit.") 

I don't care about sexy time - I just want her to know that we do not need her.

My Dad was smart at this. We very rarely had sweets or junk food growing up. When my mom would go out of town, my dad would buy a bunch of junk food and every time we cleaned a room/did a chore (and I'm talking take all the dishes out of the cabinets and rewash them after cleaning the cabinet type shit), we got to pick one. House was spotless by the time my Mom got back. Dad spent most of the time on the couch watching football. Also, kept up pretty busy all weekend. Real Men of Genius shit right there.

@Knoxtnhorn

Edited by Jameslaw121

1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

How does that conversation not end in five seconds with her saying, “You know, the one that goes, ‘Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme’”?

She couldn’t remember the melody, much less the words.  

4 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

20230209_184029.thumb.jpg.935711f1ea4c219f31247e6da5824c5e.jpg

I did not ask.

I was about to say - that looks like something I'd do 14 drinks and a joint into the night and wake up to in the morning. 

But even then, I'm not sure why I'd ever put a glass full of ice in the fridge.

I mean we've all left a beer or several in the freezer over our lifetimes. 

This... this is different...

“Alexa, add salsa to the shopping list”

Funny, first thing I noticed was the mug of tea that was half consumed that will never be touched again until it’s washed

8 hours ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

That green chile sauce from Costco? Worth a shit? 

I'm not a fan. Only bought it once. 

I was out of town for three days this week.  When I got home I found the orange juice in the cabinet.

Who keeps whole avocados in the fridge?

34 minutes ago, tx ind said:

Who keeps whole avocados in the fridge?

We do after they soften. Keeps them from going bad for a few more days. 

We do after they soften. Keeps them from going bad for a few more days. 

+1
1 hour ago, nnm said:

We do after they soften. Keeps them from going bad for a few more days. 

I Guess If You Say So GIF

6 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

I'm not a fan. Only bought it once. 

yep, expensive and disappointing

30 minutes ago, rage-a-holic said:

yep, expensive and disappointing

You guys talking about the wives?

We have some sort of illness running through the house.  I was in better shape so basically wrangled kids most of the weekend, handled dinner, got the kids to bed etc.  I just got some work prep'd for the week and am headed to bed.

I go in and ask her if she's feeling any better.

W: Oh, yeah, I think my fever finally broke!

M: Great! When's the last time you took Motrin?  About 1 this afternoon when I gave it to the kids?

W: Oh, about 45 minutes ago...

I was able to watch as she figured out exactly what that meant.

On 2/10/2023 at 11:00 AM, Sandman said:

Nah, I drive with her all the time and she's fine. She's just a drama queen. Raining outside? It's a "torrential downpour!". Windy out there? "The wind is INSANE!". Guy driving really fast on the interstate? "OMG that guy is a FREAK! He almost hit someone!". I tease her all the time about her "script", she won't even deny it.

When you're having sexy time does she also tell you how HUGE you are?

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2 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

When you're having sexy time does she also tell you how HUGE you are?

I choke her a lot, so there's not much conversation. 

On 2/10/2023 at 11:00 AM, Sandman said:

Nah, I drive with her all the time and she's fine. She's just a drama queen. Raining outside? It's a "torrential downpour!". Windy out there? "The wind is INSANE!". Guy driving really fast on the interstate? "OMG that guy is a FREAK! He almost hit someone!". I tease her all the time about her "script", she won't even deny it.

Only when I am driving...

Person in the left lane ahead of us not perfectly centered in their lane = "Watch this guy!"

Vehicle a quarter mile ahead taps their brakes = "WHY ARE YOU NOT SLOWING DOWN??!?!?"

16 hours ago, Sandman said:

I choke her a lot, so there's not much conversation. 

Coach Beard??

1 hour ago, strangulation! said:

My Man GIFs | Tenor

User name checks out!

On 2/13/2023 at 2:14 PM, Sandman said:

I choke her a lot, so there's not much conversation. 

wayne brady GIF

This… again is not stupid but it is related to crazy. Wife was up at 3 in the morning making cookies for the kid to bring to school for valentines. Our daughter is 22 months old, I feel like this is my wife getting in early to exert her type A suburban mom dominance. As far as I am aware, none of the other mostly nonverbal students brought Valentines.

C91AB097-128C-4B43-9742-AA562FB8A03E.thumb.jpeg.4cb994e19dddc80a38ddb22f32c4c49b.jpeg

4 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

This… again is not stupid but it is related to crazy. Wife was up at 3 in the morning making cookies for the kid to bring to school for valentines. Our daughter is 22 months old, I feel like this is my wife getting in early to exert her type A suburban mom dominance. As far as I am aware, none of the other mostly nonverbal students brought Valentines.

C91AB097-128C-4B43-9742-AA562FB8A03E.thumb.jpeg.4cb994e19dddc80a38ddb22f32c4c49b.jpeg

Man, fuck them Peeps. 

So thankful my wife is not a big fan of holiday celebrations (outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas). Asked her what she wanted to do for Valentines. She was like. When we get home, go grab a couple of drinks at (local bar we frequent), while I try and get the 3 yo to sleep. Then stop and pick up some wine and pizza and lets watch one of th baseball movies you always make me watch before the season starts.

 

17 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

This… again is not stupid but it is related to crazy. Wife was up at 3 in the morning making cookies for the kid to bring to school for valentines. Our daughter is 22 months old, I feel like this is my wife getting in early to exert her type A suburban mom dominance. As far as I am aware, none of the other mostly nonverbal students brought Valentines.

C91AB097-128C-4B43-9742-AA562FB8A03E.thumb.jpeg.4cb994e19dddc80a38ddb22f32c4c49b.jpeg

What the hell is 13 FF?

6 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

So thankful my wife is not a big fan of holiday celebrations (outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas). Asked her what she wanted to do for Valentines. She was like. When we get home, go grab a couple of drinks at (local bar we frequent), while I try and get the 3 yo to sleep. Then stop and pick up some wine and pizza and lets watch one of th baseball movies you always make me watch before the season starts.

 

That’s not how this thread works. 

2 hours ago, nnm said:

That’s not how this thread works. 

Maybe she’s buttering up before she tells him she wrecked her car or her parents are coming to visit for a month. 

2 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

So thankful my wife is not a big fan of holiday celebrations (outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas). Asked her what she wanted to do for Valentines. She was like. When we get home, go grab a couple of drinks at (local bar we frequent), while I try and get the 3 yo to sleep. Then stop and pick up some wine and pizza and lets watch one of th baseball movies you always make me watch before the season starts.

 

My ex was big into decorating for all of the holidays and seasons. I didn’t mind it until she would get hung up on minute details. I told her that half of the people would not care about the decorations because they are dudes. Which left half being women. Of the women maybe half of them would care. So in the end, at best, she was trying to please maybe 25% of the people.

My wife spent $70 on 2 dozen cupcakes for my 4th graders class valentine party. I must not have realized how expensive eggs are. 

3 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

So thankful my wife is not a big fan of holiday celebrations (outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas). Asked her what she wanted to do for Valentines. She was like. When we get home, go grab a couple of drinks at (local bar we frequent), while I try and get the 3 yo to sleep. Then stop and pick up some wine and pizza and lets watch one of th baseball movies you always make me watch before the season starts.

 

FluffyCalmBluegill-max-1mb.gif

4 hours ago, Celery Man said:

This… again is not stupid but it is related to crazy. Wife was up at 3 in the morning making cookies for the kid to bring to school for valentines. Our daughter is 22 months old, I feel like this is my wife getting in early to exert her type A suburban mom dominance. As far as I am aware, none of the other mostly nonverbal students brought Valentines.

C91AB097-128C-4B43-9742-AA562FB8A03E.thumb.jpeg.4cb994e19dddc80a38ddb22f32c4c49b.jpeg

Damn, didn't realize the kids are texting at 22 months these days.

Wife:  "Hey! Hurry up and make this decision that I don't want to make based on a bunch of information only I have!!"

4 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Wife:  "Hey! Hurry up and make this decision that I don't want to make based on a bunch of information only I have!!"

You are gonna be wrong regardless. Just chose. 

List of items that never complete their intended full time/cycle.

  • dishwasher
  • washing machine
  • dryer
  • microwave
  • any recipe ever 
  • thawing of frozen foods
  • boiling of water
18 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

So thankful my wife is not a big fan of holiday celebrations (outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas). Asked her what she wanted to do for Valentines. She was like. When we get home, go grab a couple of drinks at (local bar we frequent), while I try and get the 3 yo to sleep. Then stop and pick up some wine and pizza and lets watch one of th baseball movies you always make me watch before the season starts.

 

Dear Penthouse,...

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We have two Australian Shepherds, so keeping the wood floors in the house clean is a constant battle.  We have a robot vac which helps, but it only does so much.  We both contribute to keeping it clean by using the rechargeable vacuum as needed for a couple of minutes a day.  This plays out in two different scenarios.

Scenario 1:  I walk into the room and notice some little fur bunnies on the floor and in the corners of the room.  I grab the rechargeable vacuum from the utility room, empty the dustbin into the trash, and proceed to quickly vacuum up the stray dog hairs and blades of dead grass that the dogs track in.  I have to do this quickly because the rechargeable vacuum wasn't put back on the charger after the previous use and thus has a only couple of minutes of charge in the battery.  I then empty the dustbin into the trash and place the vacuum back on the charger in the utility room.

Scenario 2:  My wife walks into the room and loudly exclaims "OH MY GOD, these floors are DISGUSTING!"  She then proceeds to huff over to the utility room, grabs the rechargeable vacuum and then haphazardly runs it around the floor for 90 seconds.  She then takes the vacuum with a partially full dustbin into the utility room and "puts it away" by leaning it against the wall in the general vicinity of the charger.   

26 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

List of items that never complete their intended full time/cycle.

  • dishwasher
  • washing machine
  • dryer
  • microwave
  • any recipe ever 
  • thawing of frozen foods
  • boiling of water

My wife never waits for the gas oven to finish preheating before putting food in to cook.  She has ruined countless cakes by doing this.  They come out burned on top and not fully cooked through.  She has a PhD, but somehow cannot grasp how the oven actually works.

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