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6 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

Or handing out drugs to fellow passengers 

They’ll put on their noise canceling headphones, and they’ll like it

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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2 hours ago, 52-80 said:

They’ll put on their noise canceling headphones, and they’ll like it

Air pod pros don’t cancel the piercing screams of babies.  As I found out Sunday night 😡

On 3/21/2023 at 7:08 PM, Beau Vine said:

My wife has gotten teenager-level obsessed with her cell phone.  She comes home from work, and other than maybe using the elliptical, she's playing with her phone till we go to bed.  I actually said something about it one day and she went nuts on me, and as she was yelling at me, I thought, "You shouldn't have said anything about her phone, dumbass.  This is the alternative."

She's probably got an app to control one of those remote vibrators she's got shoved up her snatch

On 3/22/2023 at 9:41 AM, tbone_ said:

Pro tip: when she starts in on a ramble, after about the second sentence just interrupt and say, Is this going to be a “long” story?

That should do the trick nicely.

If "the trick" is "not getting any pussy" then I agree with you.

1 hour ago, Gil Bang said:

She's probably got an app to control one of those remote vibrators she's got shoved up her snatch

If "the trick" is "not getting any pussy" then I agree with you.

Something on your mind, son?

Just now, Beau Vine said:

Something on your mind, son?

Oh no.  In the past 4 decades or so, I've figured out how to not disqualify myself from getting pussy.

 

Sadly, getting pussy has been the most important thing in my life.   If I had focused on making money the way I focused on getting pussy, I'd be a millionaire many times over; I'm sure of it. 

16 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

 If I had focused on making money the way I focused on getting pussy, I'd be a millionaire many times over; I'm sure of it. 

I Guess If You Say So GIF

43 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

So you never did learn the real secret to getting pussy?

Monday Night Raw Yes GIF by WWE

Most mornings my wife runs our big dog a couple of miles, while I walk Biff down to the corner to meet her.  I leave right after her and it takes me about 10 minutes to get there.  Today we are late getting up and she says she wants to go on a shorter run and she'll just meet me at the same time.  Apparently she thinks that if her run is shorter, it means that I can bend time and space and get to the corner quicker.

34 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

Most mornings my wife runs our big dog a couple of miles, while I walk Biff down to the corner to meet her.  I leave right after her and it takes me about 10 minutes to get there.  Today we are late getting up and she says she wants to go on a shorter run and she'll just meet me at the same time.  Apparently she thinks that if her run is shorter, it means that I can bend time and space and get to the corner quicker.

So your complaint here is that your wife not only goes out to exercise every morning, but also takes one of your dogs with her? And you might have to leave the house on your leisurely stroll a few minutes earlier to meet her at your designated spot? Failing to see the problem here, Chief. 

47 minutes ago, royiv said:

So your complaint here is that your wife not only goes out to exercise every morning, but also takes one of your dogs with her? And you might have to leave the house on your leisurely stroll a few minutes earlier to meet her at your designated spot? Failing to see the problem here, Chief. 

Hey, she woke up late, not me.  I will leisurely stroll.  Hell, I might even saunter.

18 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Baby is taking his first long-haul flight tomorrow, and wife is packing his stuff like he’s boarding Noah’s Ark: 2 toy cars, 2 books, 2 stuffed animals, 2 sippy cups, etc etc. 

It’s 1 overseas leg. We’re not taking a mission to Mars…do we need Redundancy for every item on the plane?

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1 hour ago, Biff Tannen said:

Most mornings my wife runs our big dog a couple of miles, while I walk Biff down to the corner to meet her.  I leave right after her and it takes me about 10 minutes to get there.  Today we are late getting up and she says she wants to go on a shorter run and she'll just meet me at the same time.  Apparently she thinks that if her run is shorter, it means that I can bend time and space and get to the corner quicker.

Trot your fat ass!  

Edited by Kennythetiger

54 minutes ago, royiv said:

So your complaint here is that your wife not only goes out to exercise every morning, but also takes one of your dogs with her? And you might have to leave the house on your leisurely stroll a few minutes earlier to meet her at your designated spot? Failing to see the problem here, Chief. 

This is a safe place.  We don't turn on our own.  😁

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re: missing silverware

 

They're dumping it in the trash when they empty their plates. I have two females in the house that both do this. 

11 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

So you never did learn the real secret to getting pussy?

Do tell.  Asking for a friend.

3 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Do tell.  Asking for a friend.

“Money, cash, hoes. Money cash hoes” -Jay Z

“First you get the money, then you get the power.“ - DJ quik

”Veni, vidi, pussi” -some old latin fucker

4 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

“Money, cash, hoes. Money cash hoes” -Jay Z

“First you get the money, then you get the power.“ - DJ quik

”Veni, vidi, pussi” -some old latin fucker

Hmmm...if it's money then my pussy-carrier must be broken because it's not working.

28 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

re: missing silverware

 

They're dumping it in the trash when they empty their plates. I have two females in the house that both do this. 

I used to have that problem, but she's six now and knows better. The two year old, now? He's all sorts of trouble.

13 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

Oh no.  In the past 4 decades or so, I've figured out how to not disqualify myself from getting pussy.

 

Sadly, getting pussy has been the most important thing in my life.   If I had focused on making money the way I focused on getting pussy, I'd be a millionaire many times over; I'm sure of it. 

I'm pretty sure if we all focused on the money first, the pussy would come to us. 

26 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

I'm pretty sure if we all focused on the money first, the pussy would come to us. 

anna-nicole-smith-2-1-87e119c0088443b0b1

3 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

Hey, she woke up late, not me.  I will leisurely stroll.  Hell, I might even saunter.

Sashay.

41 minutes ago, nnm said:

anna-nicole-smith-2-1-87e119c0088443b0b1

Hell, id kiss a raisin to get a taste of honey. 

Oh no.  In the past 4 decades or so, I've figured out how to not disqualify myself from getting pussy.
 
Sadly, getting pussy has been the most important thing in my life.   If I had focused on making money the way I focused on getting pussy, I'd be a millionaire many times over; I'm sure of it. 

Pussy is expensive.

Unfortunately they don’t teach that in school, and my 45 yr old dad was in the middle of banging his 24 yr old secretary when he should have been teaching me life lessons instead of making her my ex stepmother.

We smoothed things over later. I think we’re all entitled to a little insanity in life sometimes.
19 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Air pod pros don’t cancel the piercing screams of babies.  As I found out Sunday night 😡

Mine is just like me. He gets 1 nipple and hes good for the rest of the night. 

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22 hours ago, 52-80 said:

“Money, cash, hoes. Money cash hoes” -Jay Z

“First you get the money, then you get the power.“ - DJ quik

”Veni, vidi, pussi” -some old latin fucker

Or if you’re JerseyMan… Vidi pussy, veni 

On 3/30/2023 at 9:37 AM, NorthLoop said:

re: missing silverware

 

They're dumping it in the trash when they empty their plates. I have two females in the house that both do this. 

THIS.RIGHT.HERE^^^^

  • Popular Post

I've got streaming TV at work. I'm working on quotes watching the Adams Family. Morticia thinks Gomez is going to marry another woman and is trying to subtly convince him it's wrong.

Morticia: Gomez, do you know the penalty for bigamy?

Gomez: Yes! You're married to two women. 

21 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

I've got streaming TV at work. I'm working on quotes watching the Adams Family. Morticia thinks Gomez is going to marry another woman and is trying to subtly convince him it's wrong.

Morticia: Gomez, do you know the penalty for bigamy?

Gomez: Yes! You're married to two women. 

True correct answer is two mothers-in-law.

On 3/23/2023 at 3:43 PM, Al_4_ISU said:

Christ, I've been to a strip club with my wife.  It was in Arnold's Park, Iowa.  Not exactly a classy joint.  For some reason a whole group of our buddies from the area wanted to go in, and my wife was the only woman along, and acquiesced. 

They tried to get her on stage, she refused, and within minutes some cracked out stripper crossed the chow line, did a hand stand, and shoved her snatch right into my wife's face.  I will never forget my wife screaming about glitter and vaginal secretion stuck to her face.

Boji nights?  

3 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Yup

A friend has a place in Okiboji and every year we make a joke about going in there as we drive by it.  The only thing stopping us is the fact it looks exactly like the kind of place where a cracked out stripper would cross the chow line to shove her glittery snatch in your face.  Nothing wrong if that's your thing but we're responsible family guys now- we prefer nubile drug free strippers shoving glittery snatch in our faces. 

On the broader subject of the thread, and since there is not one for ex-wives and the stupid shit they say/do-my daughter had a very early flight this morning to go back to college.  My ex also had an early morning flight to a different destination so they were planning to go to the airport together.

At 4:15 a.m. I received the following text from the ex.  No call, no follow up confirmation, she just sent this text and put her phone away-

"Hey. [Daughter] is gonna need a ride to the airport. Her flight got delayed to 8:10am so arriving airport at 6:10 ish? Apparently lines are long because of spring break. 
I told her I'd text you so she could sleep a little longer. 
Thank you!!"

Now before anyone asks, I do not work night shifts and I'm not an early riser, so there is no reason to just assume I'll always naturally be up in time to get someone to the airport at 6:10 am on a Sunday.

 

Ex-wives and the vindictive shit they say/do needs to be created.

1 minute ago, baboso said:

Ex-wives and the vindictive shit they say/do needs to be created.

Already has. Divorce thread. 

38 minutes ago, Not a cat said:

A friend has a place in Okiboji and every year we make a joke about going in there as we drive by it.  The only thing stopping us is the fact it looks exactly like the kind of place where a cracked out stripper would cross the chow line to shove her glittery snatch in your face.  Nothing wrong if that's your thing but we're responsible family guys now- we prefer nubile drug free strippers shoving glittery snatch in our faces. 

On the broader subject of the thread, and since there is not one for ex-wives and the stupid shit they say/do-my daughter had a very early flight this morning to go back to college.  My ex also had an early morning flight to a different destination so they were planning to go to the airport together.

At 4:15 a.m. I received the following text from the ex.  No call, no follow up confirmation, she just sent this text and put her phone away-

"Hey. [Daughter] is gonna need a ride to the airport. Her flight got delayed to 8:10am so arriving airport at 6:10 ish? Apparently lines are long because of spring break. 
I told her I'd text you so she could sleep a little longer. 
Thank you!!"

Now before anyone asks, I do not work night shifts and I'm not an early riser, so there is no reason to just assume I'll always naturally be up in time to get someone to the airport at 6:10 am on a Sunday.

 

God forbid your adult daughter hang out at the airport for a couple hours. 

1 minute ago, Kennythetiger said:

Already has. Divorce thread. 

You're right.  My bad. 

In my defense, I am operating on the limited sleep capacity of someone who woke up for a piss in the middle of the night only to find he was going to have to make a last minute unplanned trip to the airport.

2 minutes ago, ztejas said:

God forbid your adult daughter hang out at the airport for a couple hours. 

This too.  Or if only there were some app that allowed you to call rides at all hours to take you to the airport for a nominal fee.

7 hours ago, Not a cat said:

This too.  Or if only there were some app that allowed you to call rides at all hours to take you to the airport for a nominal fee.

8b57311a-d7bc-4a31-85d7-811103996469_tex

11 hours ago, Not a cat said:

This too.  Or if only there were some app that allowed you to call rides at all hours to take you to the airport for a nominal fee.

Wow. Just what a shit bag sperm donor like your father would say. —Your ex, I’m assuming

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15 minutes ago, USCATX said:

Why?  How?  

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FD415DF2-4FA1-4821-8921-63B31B1C9B02.jpeg

I’ll tell you how.  My SIL is in town for the weekend.  She doesn’t drink so she is the DD to drive down to OB for dinner three hours ago.  I’m sitting in back because it’s not my car.  She’s trying to parallel park.

It’s off the rails early.  Didn’t pull far enough ahead.  Angle too steep.  I start providing guidance from the back and she’s doing the opposite of what I’m telling her.  Finally, both of these women tell my to keep quiet.  Ok, won’t say another word.
 

9E91FE4C-1033-40FF-A921-897B2F9D6F74.thumb.jpeg.573ac7e2a1941a2d017a87ba5f096168.jpeg

Couple cars in my employee parking lot look like that, all 4 wheels. We call it parking by feel.

8 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

I’ll tell you how.  My SIL is in town for the weekend.  She doesn’t drink so she is the DD to drive down to OB for dinner three hours ago.  I’m sitting in back because it’s not my car.  She’s trying to parallel park.

It’s off the rails early.  Didn’t pull far enough ahead.  Angle too steep.  I start providing guidance from the back and she’s doing the opposite of what I’m telling her.  Finally, both of these women tell my to keep quiet.  Ok, won’t say another word.
 

9E91FE4C-1033-40FF-A921-897B2F9D6F74.thumb.jpeg.573ac7e2a1941a2d017a87ba5f096168.jpeg

Call The Midwife' Season 9 Episode 7 Recap: Hugs Not Drugs

2 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

Couple cars in my employee parking lot look like that, all 4 wheels. We call it parking by feel.

or braille.

  • Popular Post
I’ll tell you how.  My SIL is in town for the weekend.  She doesn’t drink so she is the DD to drive down to OB for dinner three hours ago.  I’m sitting in back because it’s not my car.  She’s trying to parallel park.
It’s off the rails early.  Didn’t pull far enough ahead.  Angle too steep.  I start providing guidance from the back and she’s doing the opposite of what I’m telling her.  Finally, both of these women tell my to keep quiet.  Ok, won’t say another word.
 
9E91FE4C-1033-40FF-A921-897B2F9D6F74.thumb.jpeg.573ac7e2a1941a2d017a87ba5f096168.jpeg

I have a 7.5 min video of a woman parallel parking a truck.

7a3b2a573b68375dd051b1fbd99d78bb.jpg
29f112d2604134fd337176a1ddd735dd.jpg
046e7ba1fa6533c871579152cbddf72d.jpg
058e9d042bdda348111a124ca6a1e972.jpg
32 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


I have a 7.5 min video of a woman parallel parking a truck.

7a3b2a573b68375dd051b1fbd99d78bb.jpg
29f112d2604134fd337176a1ddd735dd.jpg
046e7ba1fa6533c871579152cbddf72d.jpg
058e9d042bdda348111a124ca6a1e972.jpg

Mind-bottling.

  • Popular Post

We have 2.5 more days in our beach condo. Guess who just spent $250 at the grocery store?

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