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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

Posted Images

1 hour ago, Celery Man said:

send me out to deliver them to various neighborhood families for free

I read this as "various neighborhood females" and was wondering why you were complaining.

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

I stand by my bet

Just wait till customer #45 Karen Karenstein wants to return a 3/4 eaten tin of handmade Christmas Cookies because, "they are too sugary"

My wife is an attorney and very bright.

But she will routinely ask me questions I could not possibly know.  Instead of just using Google.  I am her Google.

Yesterday, the battery in her key fob went out.  She calls me at work to ask me what type of battery it takes.  How in the world should I know?  It's her vehicle.  It's a model we have never owned before this one.

Or, do you think Saks will take this jacket back?  Like I am familiar with return policies at stores she knows I don't shop.

 

1 hour ago, Frank Drebin said:

My wife is an attorney and very bright.

But she will routinely ask me questions I could not possibly know.  Instead of just using Google.  I am her Google.

Yesterday, the battery in her key fob went out.  She calls me at work to ask me what type of battery it takes.  How in the world should I know?  It's her vehicle.  It's a model we have never owned before this one.

Or, do you think Saks will take this jacket back?  Like I am familiar with return policies at stores she knows I don't shop.

 

Wait. You're wife gives specifics? Mine only uses pronouns. Mine would have said "The battery is going out, do we have one to replace it? Do you think I can return that thing I bought (that is no where in sight) when I went to that one store (that you did go to with me)"

 

  • Popular Post

“If you do it I swear I'm gonna throw this fuckin remote at your fuckin head”

- wife, when I walk in on her watching Sex in the city, right before I neigh loudly.

I don’t know about yours but neither my ex or future would be able to get within 20 feet of my head with a remote.

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

I don’t know about yours but neither my ex or future would be able to get within 20 feet of my head with a remote.

Yeah, I think 90% of women would just spazz out trying to throw it hard and smash your 75" HDTV.

Unfortunately, my wife has great hand-eye coordination and she is strong like bull.

  • Popular Post

We're at a restaurant and one TV is showing espn2 and a show about Valvano...they're showing sports center clips and other headlines from  then as if they're current . I'm eating, wife taps me on the shoulder and pointed at the tv..."Arthur Ashy has AIDS"...

 

21 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

We're at a restaurant and one TV is showing espn2 and a show about Valvano...they're showing sports center clips and other headlines from  then as if they're current . I'm eating, wife taps me on the shoulder and pointed at the tv..."Arthur Ashy has AIDS"...

 

That's fucking phenomenal. 

Her:  "Why isn't T'Vondre going to the Heisman thing?  He should be in the "Final Four" or whatever it's called."

Me:  "Well, lets start by asking what you know about any of the people who ARE going to be in NYC for this.  Do you even know what schools / programs they are from or how well they have performed for their respective programs?"

Her:  "That doesn't matter."

On 12/7/2023 at 12:19 AM, BearSchlong said:

Awful. We're decorating 14 dozen at church this weekend, but it's the desert course at our luncheon.

Those cookies sound dry af. 

Background: My son is in trouble for not doing his school work and resisting. So I took away his game access until he gets caught up.

This morning he tries to kick his little brother off the xbox and I remind him he is not allowed. He has a fit but goes into his room to complete one assignment.

Wife wakes up. Sits near me. And stares at her phone. Kid comes back in, starts acting up, annoying his brother. Wife tells me I am getting “dis-regulated” and begins to lecture me, while the kid is trying to annoy me. I take her advice, calmly head into our bedroom with my coffee.

2 minutes later she is raising her voice to him. 2 minutes after our youngest decides to sit with me. 1 minute later, she is at the door telling me she cant handle it.

Me……(is this a trap?)

I’m feeding the kid lunch, and telling the wife how we are about to go to the park. We are finding socks and shoes when she heads upstairs, and then this conversation ensues 

 

IMG_5407.thumb.jpeg.aeab257854f712df77f25e3a80500547.jpeg
 

Spoiler

IMG_5404.thumb.jpeg.34ac31891fea660c45c60f5637931837.jpeg

*edit* we probably have frozen biscuits at the bottom of the deep freeze but it is filled with important trash

Edited by Celery Man

20 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Her:  "Why isn't T'Vondre going to the Heisman thing?  He should be in the "Final Four" or whatever it's called."

Me:  "Well, lets start by asking what you know about any of the people who ARE going to be in NYC for this.  Do you even know what schools / programs they are from or how well they have performed for their respective programs?"

Her:  "That doesn't matter."
 

Agree with her here. 

Here's some advice from Tex Williams.  Nothing has changed after all these years.

 

  • Popular Post

IMG_2268.thumb.jpeg.69fb5f9973c9ad5953c66cde5eeba343.jpeg

Mrs B and I were driving around the other day doing some errands.  

Mrs B: Turn down this street.  I want to go past Brian and Jen's house.  I've heard it's nice

Mr B:   Sure.

Mrs B: It was new when they had it built.  

 

1 hour ago, Budkudzu said:

Mrs B and I were driving around the other day doing some errands.  

Mrs B: Turn down this street.  I want to go past Brian and Jen's house.  I've heard it's nice

Mr B:   Sure.

Mrs B: It was new when they had it built.  

 

TeTKN3a.gif.7a5f4cb7a0b59f48b712176f7804b7fa.gif

Edited by PvilleStang

On 12/2/2023 at 3:23 PM, nnm said:

Just buy the big bottle and refill her brand bottle from time to time. The label makes it taste the way she wants. 

One can also age scotch the same way.  

 

Sat evening I'm sitting on the couch, watching the end of the army-navy game. Its 6 pm. Wife comes downstairs and the following conversation ensues:

Wife: Don't forget we're going to that play tonight.

Me: Right.

Wife: Its at 8.

Me: Got it.

Wife: We probably need to leave no later than 6:30.

Me: Ok

Wife: (Gives me a look)

Me: I'll be ready by 6:30.

Wife: Okayyyyy...

 

Guess who was sitting in the truck with the engine running at 6:35, while the two female members of the household were not ready?

 

My wife recently got offered a promotion to a role with direct reports. 

I reminded her repeatedly this is the few/best opportunity to get to negotiate the pay. She ignored me and took the first offer. Mistake #1. 

Then I told her she needed to immediately delegate work. Instead, in the post-promotion glow, she basically absorbed the chores of her team. Mistake #2.

If people wanted to merely reward your job performance, they give you a raise. People give promotions to make their own lives easier. In turn, you need to delegate your tasks to make your own life easier. This is how organization of labor works. 

Anyway, now that the honeymoon passed all the excess work is catching up to her and shes starting to stress out. Should I rub it in?

On 12/7/2023 at 1:22 PM, Incredulity said:

Just wait till customer #45 Karen Karenstein wants to return a 3/4 eaten tin of handmade Christmas Cookies because, "they are too sugary"

My wife did cakes for about 10 years, including smaller weddings. Her ‘business’ came entirely from word of mouth and had a reputation for quality product at a better value than regular bakeries.  One of the customers at the very end was a Karenstein who accused the wife of ‘ ruining our memories’ in a wedding because the cake( which was exactly what was ordered) didn’t hit the mark.  Lady then tried to put my wife on blast on FB wanting a refund, and about 15-20 previous customers buried ole Karen.  It was beautiful.

Fuck Karenstein.  Wife made a little money off the cakes, but more enjoyed the interaction and making people happy.  Then some cunt wants to be a cunt.  I wanted to go take a dump on their front porch. 

Edited by slorch

Just now, slorch said:

My wife did cakes for about 10 years, including smaller weddings. Her ‘business’ came entirely from word of mouth and had a reputation for quality product at a better value than regular bakeries.  One of the customers at the very end was a Karenstein who accused the wife of ‘ ruining our memories’ in a wedding because the cake( which was exactly what was ordered) didn’t hit the mark.  Lady then tried to put my wife on blast on FB wanting a refund, and about 15-20 previous customers buried ole Karen.  It was beautiful.

Fuck those people.  Wife made a little money off the cakes, but more enjoyed the interaction and making people happy.  Then some cunt wants to be a cunt.  I wanted to go take a dump on their front porch. 

yup.

 

people are the worst.

Try coaching your son's little league team.  My oldest is 38, and helping to coach his team was the worst experience of my life.  I can only imagine that it is 100 times worse now.

  • Popular Post
10 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Try coaching your son's little league team.  My oldest is 38,

he should be at least pony league now

27 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

Anyway, now that the honeymoon passed all the excess work is catching up to her and shes starting to stress out. Should I rub it in?

Rubbing it in will lead to an extended period of rubbing it out.

13 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Rubbing it in will lead to an extended period of rubbing it out.

giphy.gif

Should I rub it in?


100% guaranteed to amp down her stress level and make your life more enjoyable. I say go for it.
29 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

 


100% guaranteed to amp down her stress level and make your life more enjoyable. I say go for it.

 

Then ask her if Aunt Flow is in town for the week, and when she responds, cut her off and tell her to calm down, it's a joke.  Then toss her a gift card to Lane Bryant or Chico's and enjoy life.

38 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

 


100% guaranteed to amp down her stress level and make your life more enjoyable. I say go for it.

 

 

8 minutes ago, PvilleStang said:

Then ask her if Aunt Flow is in town for the week, and when she responds, cut her off and tell her to calm down, it's a joke.  Then toss her a gift card to Lane Bryant or Chico's and enjoy life.

And then please report back with your success story.

31 minutes ago, PvilleStang said:

Then ask her if Aunt Flow is in town for the week because she looks like she is retaining water, and when she responds, cut her off and tell her to calm her titties, it's a joke.  Then toss her a gift card to Lane Bryant or Chico's and comment she is becoming her mother.

Lets get crazy

 

atomic bomb explosion GIF

On 12/9/2023 at 12:50 AM, ROFL BOX said:

Her:  "Why isn't T'Vondre going to the Heisman thing?  He should be in the "Final Four" or whatever it's called."

Me:  "Well, lets start by asking what you know about any of the people who ARE going to be in NYC for this.  Do you even know what schools / programs they are from or how well they have performed for their respective programs?"

Her:  "That doesn't matter."
 

What's her username on the football board?

  • Popular Post
1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

What's her username on the football board?

Helobious

3 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Try coaching your son's little league team.  My oldest is 38, and helping to coach his team was the worst experience of my life.  I can only imagine that it is 100 times worse now.

I run a little league organization.  Had zero issues from players or dads last season.  All issues were because of the moms.

2 hours ago, PvilleStang said:

Then ask her if Aunt Flow is in town for the week, and when she responds, cut her off and tell her to calm down, it's a joke.  Then toss her a gift card to Lane Bryant or Chico's and enjoy life.

Isn't Lane Bryant for fat girls?  Is she a great big fatso?

39 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

Isn't Lane Bryant for fat girls?  Is she a great big fatso?

5cc4eea2a7490285f82dac889d030e6289591be4

4 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Try coaching your son's little league team.  My oldest is 38, and helping to coach his team was the worst experience of my life.  I can only imagine that it is 100 times worse now.

I first read this as your son is still in little league. Then that you were helping your son coach his kids little league.

I've coached little league twice. The first time was horrible. The second time was fantastic. Some of that was a little hesitant talking to parents the first time around. Second time, I knew when to ask parents for help and when to tell them what they should be doing.

 

1 hour ago, txhorns said:

I run a little league organization.  Had zero issues from players or dads last season.  All issues were because of the moms.

That's the damn truth. 

1 hour ago, txhorns said:

I run a little league organization.  Had zero issues from players or dads last season.  All issues were because of the moms.

I always appreciate the mom that helps out by keeping the book and understands and keeps track of errors and fielder's choice but doesn't understand that it's statistically improbable that her son is the only one that went an entire season without having either of those happen to him.  

3 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

Isn't Lane Bryant for fat girls?  Is she a great big fatso?

Silence Of The Lambs Buffalo Bill GIF - Silence Of The Lambs Buffalo Bill  Was She A Great Big Fat Person - Discover & Share GIFs

I’m in the middle of cleaning up after cooking something and she comments on how much of a mess the countertop is. Maybe hold off on the critique until after I finish the job.
giphy.gif

GOOD GOD CAN YOU STOP BUYING STUFF FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND?

 

5 minutes ago, Elvis said:

GOOD GOD CAN YOU STOP BUYING STUFF FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND?

 

We've had packages show up everyday for almost 2 weeks straight - clothes for the kids, her new snowboarding boots, snow stuff for the kids, 3 new pairs of shoes , new backpack, new computer bag... 

 

I just wish something would show up from Victoria's Secret, because at least I'll get to enjoy what she bought.

just like your dear Papa?

  • Popular Post

Wife said we couldnt weigh our toddler for tracking because hes wearing diaper so its not comparable.  I said I know how much the diaper weighs (25g)


“okay but its full of pee right now so its even heavier”

”…and if 5 minutes ago the pee was in his bladder instead of the diaper the measurement would be different?”

“its a diaper so when the pee soaks it gets even heavier almost like gelatin”

so i pulled out a measuring cup, kitchen scale, and wasted a spare diaper proving to her the principle of Conservation of Ass. and it was worth it because it yielded a “i guess you were right”. 

Just now, 52-80 said:

so i pulled out a measuring cup, kitchen scale, and wasted a spare diaper proving to her the principle of Conservation of Ass. and it was worth it because it yielded a “i guess you were right”. 

I’m no STEM guy, but this is a new physics term. Did Sir Mix-A-Lot sing about it?

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