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I wish I could just give her a dummy app.

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Some fine journalism there, all right.  "alter" "pedals".

11 hours ago, BearMace said:

Are the longcat fucked up emoji posts a bad bit, because if so nearing neg territory.


tappatalk is fucking shit, that’s what. 

Apparently, if I buy my wife and I tickets to a concert that we both want to attend next week, it counts as my Christmas and birthday (January) present.  WTF is this?  Silas Marner-ass wife.

To add, I really don't care about gifts and whatnot.  I've got everything I need.  It's just that this is some bullshit.

Don't worry you'll get a couple BJs to make up for it.

18 minutes ago, Sam Lin said:

Don't worry you'll get a couple BJs to make up for it.

Ricky Gervais Laughing GIF by Golden Globes

10 hours ago, Incredulity said:

Ricky Gervais Laughing GIF by Golden Globes

GIF and user name are perfect response.

Has to be a Tapa thing.
Looks like shit in Tapa, if that's what you mean.



To be fair, like most of us here you must realize you are an outlier.   You have two X chromosomes, big tits


I'm sorry. What?

I check in with my wife about doing our typical holiday stuff, and she tells me the kids are not into it. We should do something else. A week later guess what she is asking me to get?
(Apparently the kids were asking her about it)

On 12/8/2024 at 12:18 AM, Sam Lin said:

Don't worry you'll get a couple BJs to make up for it.

I've been married 16 years. What is this "BJs" thing you are referring to?

😢

On 12/5/2024 at 3:02 PM, lateshow said:

Yeah, that's a bold move.

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS1424RYrewldYx_xwOl9v

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Wife always spends a couple of hundred bucks on those personalized Christmas cards from Shutterfly or whatever it's called.

After a week of her asking me if I got the mail already and were the Christmas cards in there?, she just announced that she's afraid that she never changed the mailing address on her Shutterfly account, so there are $200 worth of our Christmas cards sitting in San Marcos on the porch of the house we sold last summer.

I just tried to keep my face as straight as possible and not react at all.   

 

16 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife always spends a couple of hundred bucks on those personalized Christmas cards from Shutterfly or whatever it's called.

After a week of her asking me if I got the mail already and were the Christmas cards in there?, she just announced that she's afraid that she never changed the mailing address on her Shutterfly account, so there are $200 worth of our Christmas cards sitting in San Marcos on the porch of the house we sold last summer.

I just tried to keep my face as straight as possible and not react at all.   

 

$200? humblebrag or you are some sort of pariah...

I'll tell you what... my wife is RELIGIOUS about sending off thank you cards within the day for presents and whatnot, but refuses to piss away money on the Christmas cards, and I couldn't be happier.  Sure, a few Hallmark cards to close relatives and whatnot, okay.  But doing a photo shoot, then custom cards, then little corny ass letters that have to rhyme that are self-aggrandizing, those can F right off.

On 12/7/2024 at 9:18 PM, Sam Lin said:

Don't worry you'll get a couple BJs to make up for it.

He said he has a wife, so.... are you offering????

NTTAWWT

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My wife called me yesterday while out shopping and said her key fob broke and she couldn't open her car door. She had been trying to put the fob back together but couldn't do it. She didn't know what to do. I told her that her car still had an ignition key and maybe she should try opening the door with it. It worked.

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Last Friday night in the Rojo household:

Me: Okay, so what's on the schedule for this weekend?

Mrs. Rojo: Well, I can't work out because of the procedure I had. (Minor skin procedure.)  So I can't go to my normal workout class at 10 on Saturday morning.

Me:  (*thinking*) Well, that's something that is NOT on the calendar.

Mrs. Rojo: And I didn't RSVP in time for the Son #2 friend's b-day party, but I called his mom and she said it was okay. So we have that.

Me: (*thinking*) Here we fucking go.

Mrs. Rojo: Oldest son wants to spend the night with his friend Saturday night, but I told him he had to ask you. He also wants to go to the movies on Sunday with his girlfriend. I called her mom to see if she was okay with it and she and her husband talked about it and they said it was okay if they were in a group or one of us was with them so I told them I would talk to you about it. I thought we could also go get a Christmas tree before the birthday party on Saturday. Do you think we can get a smaller tree this year since we have a smaller space?  Plus, they have just gotten so expensive. There's no CCE on Sunday, so middle child doesn't have that to go to on Sunday morning. Sunday middle child has cub scouts at 3, but it's probably going to be rained out.  Oldest has boy scouts at 4 and I need to go to the grocery store.  Then we have your work party at 7 but we need to take two cars.

Me: (*thinking*) Don't say anything.  Don't say anything.  Don't say anything.

Me:  (*thinking*) Seriously, don't fucking say anything.  You've learned your lesson on this many, many times.  Pretend like nothing is wrong and just converse and clarify cheerfully.  Seriously.

Me:  Well, now I know a bunch of shit that's not on our calendar and I still have no idea what we are actually doing.

Me:  (*thinking*) Fucking dumbass!

Mrs. Rojo: *angrily* Hmph! If you don't want to talk to me, just say so.  I swear, every time we talk it's like you get so annoyed with me. From now on I'll just send you a text...

 

Prologue: Ojo doesn't get laid for two weeks.

Edited by Ojo Rojo

Did you clarify for her that it’s not so much that YOU don’t want talk to HER?

4 hours ago, Crapinon said:

My wife called me yesterday while out shopping and said her key fob broke and she couldn't open her car door. She had been trying to put the fob back together but couldn't do it. She didn't know what to do. I told her that her car still had an ignition key and maybe she should try opening the door with it. It worked.

She sounds smoking hawt.

On 12/5/2024 at 4:02 PM, lateshow said:

Yeah, that's a bold move.

You've spelt "incredibly fucking stupid" incorrectly.

On 12/7/2024 at 10:36 AM, baboso said:

Some fine journalism there, all right.  "alter" "pedals".

On the bright side, "Alter Pedals" is actually a pretty decent band name.

1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Prologue: Ojo doesn't get laid for two weeks.


She can’t cut you off. She doesn’t know where you can get it!

On 12/5/2024 at 9:24 AM, Snake Diggity said:

Get an invitation to a birthday party for one of my kid’s classmates named Townes.

Wife: “What a stupid name.”

Me: “Why, because he was a druggie?”

Wife: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Me: “Where do you think they got that name?”

Wife: “They clearly wanted to name the kid ‘Towns’ after like a place to live, but wanted to get fancy with the spelling.”

 

My wife didn’t know who Townes Van Zandt was.

By any chance was there a kangaroo and some farm animals at that party?

On 9/3/2024 at 4:09 PM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

My wife has never boiled anything without leaving it unattended and spilling over.  It's a running joke in our house now.  

My is a top notch cook.

 

 

except she burns bread of any type.

 

 

EVERY

 

FUCKIN

 

 

TIME

3 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

 

Prologue: Ojo doesn't get laid * for two weeks.

 

You've left out "by Mrs Rojo". 

 

This is Surly, after all...

17 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Last Friday night in the Rojo household:

Me: Okay, so what's on the schedule for this weekend?

Mrs. Rojo: Well, I can't work out because of the procedure I had. (Minor skin procedure.)  So I can't go to my normal workout class at 10 on Saturday morning.

Me:  (*thinking*) Well, that's something that is NOT on the calendar.

Mrs. Rojo: And I didn't RSVP in time for the Son #2 friend's b-day party, but I called his mom and she said it was okay. So we have that.

Me: (*thinking*) Here we fucking go.

Mrs. Rojo: Oldest son wants to spend the night with his friend Saturday night, but I told him he had to ask you. He also wants to go to the movies on Sunday with his girlfriend. I called her mom to see if she was okay with it and she and her husband talked about it and they said it was okay if they were in a group or one of us was with them so I told them I would talk to you about it. I thought we could also go get a Christmas tree before the birthday party on Saturday. Do you think we can get a smaller tree this year since we have a smaller space?  Plus, they have just gotten so expensive. There's no CCE on Sunday, so middle child doesn't have that to go to on Sunday morning. Sunday middle child has cub scouts at 3, but it's probably going to be rained out.  Oldest has boy scouts at 4 and I need to go to the grocery store.  Then we have your work party at 7 but we need to take two cars.

Me: (*thinking*) Don't say anything.  Don't say anything.  Don't say anything.

Me:  (*thinking*) Seriously, don't fucking say anything.  You've learned your lesson on this many, many times.  Pretend like nothing is wrong and just converse and clarify cheerfully.  Seriously.

Me:  Well, now I know a bunch of shit that's not on our calendar and I still have no idea what we are actually doing.

Me:  (*thinking*) Fucking dumbass!

Mrs. Rojo: *angrily* Hmph! If you don't want to talk to me, just say so.  I swear, every time we talk it's like you get so annoyed with me. From now on I'll just send you a text...

 

Prologue: Ojo doesn't get laid for two weeks.

Did she type this story? 

16 hours ago, Tex Long said:

You've left out "by Mrs Rojo". 

 

This is Surly, after all...

If he calls himself a DT, he can get a handjob out of it, I hear 

1 hour ago, Js1 said:

If he calls himself a DT, he can get a handjob out of it, I hear 

Too late. I believe Sally took her chocolate chip cookies and moved to Chapel Hill.

After hearing the Surly tailgate was canceled, Mrs Willfully said Surly could come over to our house for the game.

Edited by Willfully Horn

48 minutes ago, Willfully Horn said:

After hearing the Surly tailgate was canceled, Mrs Willfully said Surly could come over to our house for the game.

You need to get her to the hospital immediately. 

1 hour ago, Willfully Horn said:

After hearing the Surly tailgate was canceled, Mrs Willfully said Surly could come over to our house for the game.


Take It Back I Choose You GIF by CBS

16 hours ago, Willfully Horn said:

After hearing the Surly tailgate was canceled, Mrs Willfully said Surly could come over to our house for the game.

You Done Fucked Up Now GIFs | Tenor

On 12/13/2024 at 2:14 PM, Willfully Horn said:

After hearing the Surly tailgate was canceled, Mrs Willfully said Surly could come over to our house for the game.

Address?

4 hours ago, Ravishing Rick said:

IMG_9963.thumb.jpeg.033079e9be0c69852779c954479dc955.jpeg

Well, yeah, actually it was in fact me. 

Username not applicable in this instance.

22 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

Address?

745 Bastrop Highway N

3 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

745 Bastrop Highway N

Is this like the Blues Brothers using 1060 West Addison?  

745 Bastrop Highway N
Which stage will she be on?

Question:  Does anyone else's wife do this?  Sex is going to happen, but she goes in the bathroom or the closet or both and fucks around and takes a long time to get to it?  It feels like she is intentionally making me wait.  Dragging it out because she knows she's got me on a string in that moment.  Anyone?

10 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Question:  Does anyone else's wife do this?  Sex is going to happen, but she goes in the bathroom or the closet or both and fucks around and takes a long time to get to it?  It feels like she is intentionally making me wait.  Dragging it out because she knows she's got me on a string in that moment.  Anyone?

That’s when you just wack it and fall asleep before she gets back

6 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

That’s when you just wack it and fall asleep before she gets back

Ah yes, the stealth stroke. 

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This thread, in 75 seconds:

 

8 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

That’s when you just wack it and fall asleep before she gets back

The inner conflict between making a point and getting it wet is tough.  Very tough.

On 12/13/2024 at 2:14 PM, Willfully Horn said:

After hearing the Surly tailgate was canceled, Mrs Willfully said Surly could come over to our house for the game.

What time?

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