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Featured Replies

Good story until you started model-dropping. Can the butler buff out the scratch?  

Thanks, I’ll take it under advisement, now get back to taking care of my lawn!
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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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7 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Good story until you started model-dropping. Can the butler buff out the scratch?  

 

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For some reason I was craving an egg salad sandwich from Thundercloud so I ordered it online and asked my wife to pick it up on the way home. I included "I ordered it from the one behind Cane's off Bee Cave road"

I get a frantic call "you ordered from the wrong store, they don't have your order but if you send me the receipt they will make it"

So I email her the receipt. 

About 10 seconds later I hear a man say in the background "Ma'am this is Jersey Mikes"

1 hour ago, blacklab said:

For some reason I was craving an egg salad sandwich from Thundercloud so I ordered it online and asked my wife to pick it up on the way home. I included "I ordered it from the one behind Cane's off Bee Cave road"

I get a frantic call "you ordered from the wrong store, they don't have your order but if you send me the receipt they will make it"

So I email her the receipt. 

About 10 seconds later I hear a man say in the background "Ma'am this is Jersey Mikes"

This is funny.  Jersey Mikes is awesome but so is Thundercloud 

13 hours ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

I like how bl didn't order her shit. 

He ordered her to go get his damned sammich

We're renting a cabin that has a pool in a few weeks..

"we need to watch the kids like a hulk around that pool"

  • 2 weeks later...
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We’re driving to the beach in separate cars each with one child, not together but left around the same time.

 

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tone

On 6/16/2025 at 11:19 AM, Pokoloco said:

We're renting a cabin that has a pool in a few weeks..

"we need to watch the kids like a hulk around that pool"

Oh Trixie.

 

 

1 hour ago, Celery Man said:

We’re driving to the beach in separate cars each with one child, not together but left around the same time.

 

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tone

Life will be less complicated if she just turns on Share My Location

 

She was not able to get the car working and texted me to come get her after 7 minutes of me driving away from her ( she had said she thought she was in front of me, but I suspected she was not and turned out to be correct). She says she replaced the battery. I went out to the car and fucked around with it for a little bit and it started. Who knows. We made it.  Took an extra hour.

2 hours ago, Superhero said:

Oh Trixie.

 

 

Life will be less complicated if she just turns on Share My Location

 

We used to have share location on but she would always text me to get her stuff from stores I was near.

It’s always fun to get bitched at when you, for some reason, press the same buttons as her but only better. 

She was not able to get the car working and texted me to come get her after 7 minutes of me driving away from her ( she had said she thought she was in front of me, but I suspected she was not and turned out to be correct). She says she replaced the battery. I went out to the car and fucked around with it for a little bit and it started. Who knows. We made it.  Took an extra hour.
We used to have share location on but she would always text me to get her stuff from stores I was near.

That shit drives me nuts. I’m running into Wal Mart and I’ll be out in 5 minutes for my one item I need until the texts start going off.
Damn creeper is stalking me.

Death, Taxes, and my wife frantically packing 15 minutes before departure on a trip she’s known about for 3 months. 

My wife just used the word "sell" instead of "sale" in a text and I'm contemplating divorce. 

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4 minutes ago, Sandman said:

My wife just used the word "sell" instead of "sale" in a text and I'm contemplating divorce. 

I don't by that.

7 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Death, Taxes, and my wife frantically packing 15 minutes before departure on a trip she’s known about for 3 months. 

Mine cleans the house before we leave. To the point that it delays us leaving. It’s so that if we both die in a fiery crash at least our house is clean. 

13 minutes ago, Sandman said:

My wife just used the word "sell" instead of "sale" in a text and I'm contemplating divorce. 

You two going selling tonight out on the lake?

My wife just used the word "sell" instead of "sale" in a text and I'm contemplating divorce. 

I’ve seen this recently as well.
My brain shorts when I see it.
5 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Mine cleans the house before we leave. To the point that it delays us leaving. It’s so that if we both die in a fiery crash at least our house is clean. 

My wife used to want us to clean the house and tidy up, prior to the bi-weekly house cleaner arriving!  After the 1st couple of months, I digressed, as her main excuse was not to leave the house embarrassing before we went to work.

Nothing like making your bed (Adm. Mc Raven) before someone comes to strip the bed!

Hook’em!!!

In a prior life I counted seventeen one time. Seventeen.

So she got herself a free drink and a little feel while dad wrangles the kids.  Sweet. 

3 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

So she got herself a free drink and a little feel while dad wrangles the kids.  Sweet. 

Sounds like Surly Elvis was in the house.

Death, Taxes, and my wife frantically packing 15 minutes before departure on a trip she’s known about for 3 months. 
My wife packs for herself and both kids 2 months before the trip and still isn't ready to go. I pack 30 minutes before it's time to leave and am in the car 10 minutes early.
On 6/27/2025 at 7:41 PM, msucolt45 said:

My wife used to want us to clean the house and tidy up, prior to the bi-weekly house cleaner arriving!  After the 1st couple of months, I digressed, as her main excuse was not to leave the house embarrassing before we went to work.

Nothing like making your bed (Adm. Mc Raven) before someone comes to strip the bed!

Hook’em!!!

Mine does the same, but she's actually articulated a valid reason for doing this:  

"We're paying her to clean the house, not pick up after the kids.  Time is money, and the more time she wastes picking up BS is time she / they aren't deep cleaning the house properly."

11 minutes ago, PvilleStang said:

Mine does the same, but she's actually articulated a valid reason for doing this:  

"We're paying her to clean the house, not pick up after the kids.  Time is money, and the more time she wastes picking up BS is time she / they aren't deep cleaning the house properly."

 

I Dont Believe You Will Ferrell GIF

On 6/27/2025 at 7:41 PM, msucolt45 said:

My wife used to want us to clean the house and tidy up, prior to the bi-weekly house cleaner arriving!  After the 1st couple of months, I digressed, as her main excuse was not to leave the house embarrassing before we went to work.

Nothing like making your bed (Adm. Mc Raven) before someone comes to strip the bed!

Hook’em!!!

My wife is always complaining that she wants a maid to help clean. I told her that she would want to clean the house before the maid got there and since it would never happen, we'd never get one. 

25 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

My wife is always complaining that she wants a maid to help clean. I told her that she would want to clean the house before the maid got there and since it would never happen, we'd never get one. 

 

Ladies and gentleman, this here is a real honest man. 

 

 

 

 

 

(a real honest man that bought a really, really comfy couch.)

2 minutes ago these words came out of my mouth:  “Mrs. NNM, the A/C doesn’t cool faster if you turn it lower.”
 

(Discussed ad nauseum above)

On 7/3/2025 at 4:21 PM, nnm said:

2 minutes ago these words came out of my mouth:  “Mrs. NNM, the A/C doesn’t cool faster if you turn it lower.”
 

(Discussed ad nauseum above)

That’s a battle you can’t win. Just go with it. 

11 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

That’s a battle you can’t win. Just go with it. 

Kind of like cranking the oven up to 450, when you only need 375.  I guess it heats up “faster?”

Hook’em!!!

On 6/27/2025 at 4:27 AM, 52-80 said:

Death, Taxes, and my wife frantically packing 15 minutes before departure on a trip she’s known about for 3 months. 

If the GF and I drive 1 mile or 100 miles to get to a destination, it will take her 5 minutes to get her shit together to get out of the car.  "hold on, I've got to find my sunglass case...where is my lipstick?" etc. 

23 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

If the GF and I drive 1 mile or 100 miles to get to a destination, it will take her 5 minutes to get her shit together to get out of the car.  "hold on, I've got to find my sunglass case...where is my lipstick?" etc. 

Yep. Easy fix. When you’re five minutes out, ask her if she’s ready to go when you get there. 
The brotherhood. 

30 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Yep. Easy fix. When you’re five minutes out, ask her if she’s ready to go when you get there. 
The brotherhood. 

Lol.  She'll spend the time arguing that she's ready and you don't need to say a damn thing.  Then spend the five minutes getting ready once you're parked, because she can't get ready while the car is moving.  I mean, it should work your way.  But it doesn't.

If the GF and I drive 1 mile or 100 miles to get to a destination, it will take her 5 minutes to get her shit together to get out of the car.  "hold on, I've got to find my sunglass case...where is my lipstick?" etc. 

So much this. I just stand outside the car. I can’t press the button to lock it, because she’s still inside, putting her shoes on, sending a text, whatever.
15 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:


So much this. I just stand outside the car. I can’t press the button to lock it, because she’s still inside, putting her shoes on, sending a text, whatever.

Well, you could

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

Yep. Easy fix. When you’re five minutes out, ask her if she’s ready to go when you get there. 
The brotherhood. 

Stephen Colbert No GIF by The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

29 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:


So much this. I just stand outside the car. I can’t press the button to lock it, because she’s still inside, putting her shoes on, sending a text, whatever.

Every single time. 

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