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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Sunday afternoon. Gentle hangover. Craving some Arby's. Sweetheart went to get it but of course brought home 100 packets of ketchup but no Arby's or Horsey sauce. I thought enough Taco Cabana fails had conditioned her always to check.

On 9/28/2018 at 7:21 PM, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

So apparently up until a year or so ago my wife thought the little urinal thing on the side of a porta potty was a shelf to set your phone on. She's been setting her phone on dirty urinal cakes for years while she pees at concerts and fairs and stuff...

I'm sitting here gagging, trying not to puke thinking about that.  Holy shit. 

3 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

No names mentioned, but there's a Shagger whose wife is driving me absolutely insane re: gutters - can't make up her mind on colors, half round vs. K, mix of half round here... K there... LeaFree all over, no let's trim the cost & only do LeaFree in these areas, not those areas... oh, wait, I don't like how they look from the street, so can you get me different colors?

Now I don't want the LeaFree at all, oh... we are crazy with Oaks, so I guess I we do need them but what about this & then maybe different downspouts (round vs. 2"x3").

 

I'm on my 5th sketch & 4th estimate & want to add $ 50 to $ 75 for every revision sent out.

 

 

PS:  If you show this to her, I'll add $ 1,000.00 to your contract (& still be lower than the estimate you received from those other companies).

Kind of a dick move to post that on here if he can read it if you ask me

Maybe, maybe not.  Her husband has to deal with that shit every day.  Might be kind of a therapy group session for him.

damn. at least my wife has the decency to put our half sliced bananas in a zip lock and in the fridge to rot for 10 days

“A message popped up that says I have low coolant and to go to the dealership immediately. Do I have to or will it go away if I get gas?”

On 9/11/2018 at 9:40 AM, DaysOff said:

If you bomb the mid terms it can fuck your semester's gpa.

Of if your Mrs. Super, her role playing fantasy is to seduce the professor (aka me) to keep getting a higher grade.

The things she’ll do for an A+ are unspeakable.

 



Of if your Mrs. Super, her role playing fantasy is to seduce the professor (aka me) to keep getting a higher grade.
The things she’ll do for an A+ are unspeakable.
 


That's true.
9 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Of if your Mrs. Super, her role playing fantasy is to seduce the professor (aka me) to keep getting a higher grade.

The things she’ll do for an A+ are unspeakable.

 

You’re

6 hours ago, Superhero said:

Of if your Mrs. Super, her role playing fantasy is to seduce the professor (aka me) to keep getting a higher grade.

The things she’ll do for an A+ are unspeakable.

 

Nothing sexier than a severe learning disability 

Monday night and Brees is at 499 TDs and Saints are at the 5.  I’m cooking dinner and keep poking my head out of the kitchen to watch.  I missed Hill scoring.

Me:  Did he get it?

Avatar:  He got it on the play before.

M:  What?

A:  Brees made the pass on the prior play.

M: Do you believe that this milestone is for completions?

A:  It’s not?

M:  JFC the man has 25 or so completions tonight.  How many games do you think it takes him to get to 500?

A:  *gears in head grinding*

A:  *candy crush*

A:  *spins step counter*

A:  Can you get me more wine while you’re up please?

10 hours ago, NoRagrets said:

“A message popped up that says I have low coolant and to go to the dealership immediately. Do I have to or will it go away if I get gas?”

You are one lucky SOB.  I would have gotten a text after she went to the dealership saying they added coolant and while I was there I got a full tune up and new tires.

Upgrayedd: Your first question was kind of vague.

Edited by miguelito
slow typing

1 hour ago, Nolacycling said:

Beauty College?

maxresdefault.jpg

You are one lucky SOB.  I would have gotten a text after she went to the dealership saying they added coolant and while I was there I got a full tune up and new tires.
I would've gotten a call saying the car died after making a loud noise and now there is smoke coming out from under the hood and the car won't start.
19 hours ago, Cosimo de' Medici said:

At a loss for words6576d5736e367c4b417443966a5efa4c.jpg

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk
 

Do you have enough garlic?

2 minutes ago, Longhornfan1024 said:

Do you have enough garlic?

916AC3DF-C962-4D37-A441-5AEE426D95FC-521

22 minutes ago, Longhornfan1024 said:

Do you have enough garlic?

Do you have enough mosquito bites??  

the smoothie recipe said half of a banana you asshole!  a whole banana would throw off the delicate balance of flavors that america's test kitchen spent 6 days and 483 test batches developing!

 

edit: wow how many pages back was i?

Edited by elfenix

You didn’t leave your tree up all year

Whose wife had the "Holiday Tree" that she left up year round? That was humorous shit. 

Had a flashback this morning to something that happened over the summer on vacation.  We were walking down the street in Crested Butte after eating lunch.

Wife: Where are my sunglasses?  I can't find my sunglasses!

Me: Well we haven't gone far, so they may be at the restaurant.

Wife: No, I know I had them.  They're not here!  Not in my purse, not in the stroller!

Me: You're not talking about the sunglasses you're wearing right now, right? (kinda smile thinking I'm going to get a glare for my tone.  She'll sometimes carry 2 pairs of sunglasses--one stylish and one for exercise--and I thought obviously she wasn't talking about the ones on her head)

Wife pulls them off, says "yea, that's them", and keeps walking as if nothing happened.  She didn't have them on top of her head.  She was actively wearing them to protect her eyes from the sun.  Thank God some random dude witnessed the whole thing so he could laugh at her with me.

My 7 year-old son did the same thing with his watch this morning.  He was frantically looking for it, only to find it on his wrist 2 minutes later.

"Wife pulls them off, says "yea, that's them", and keeps walking as if nothing happened. "

 

well played

My wife bought these solar lights on Amazon and has not been able to make them work. They have been out in the yard for months and have never worked. Last night she came into the room where I was at with her phone. “The solar lights need batteries. What would they need batteries for, they are solar?”
Me:
Her:”Oh...”

I bet if you switch them on or pull the plastic battery tab out they'll work just fine

1 hour ago, mulletpelini said:

I bet if you switch them on or pull the plastic battery tab out they'll work just fine

I'm guessing some protective film over the solar cell.

7 hours ago, Wiler77 said:

Had a flashback this morning to something that happened over the summer on vacation.  We were walking down the street in Crested Butte after eating lunch.

Wife: Where are my sunglasses?  I can't find my sunglasses!

Me: Well we haven't gone far, so they may be at the restaurant.

Wife: No, I know I had them.  They're not here!  Not in my purse, not in the stroller!

Me: You're not talking about the sunglasses you're wearing right now, right? (kinda smile thinking I'm going to get a glare for my tone.  She'll sometimes carry 2 pairs of sunglasses--one stylish and one for exercise--and I thought obviously she wasn't talking about the ones on her head)

Wife pulls them off, says "yea, that's them", and keeps walking as if nothing happened.  She didn't have them on top of her head.  She was actively wearing them to protect her eyes from the sun.  Thank God some random dude witnessed the whole thing so he could laugh at her with me.

My 7 year-old son did the same thing with his watch this morning.  He was frantically looking for it, only to find it on his wrist 2 minutes later.

My wife will wander around the house, looking for her phone that she's been holding in her hand the entire time.

On the way home from Monster's baseball game tonight*, all 4 of us in the car.

Monster:  "What's for dinner?"

Me:  "Seafood medley thing." (I take a bag of frozen seafood pasta whatever it is from one of the various flavors & add some frozen bugs / shrimp / scallops / calamari & it does it's thing in the sautee bath while I can do other stuff).

Monster:  "Aw, not that again.  I want steak.  We have seafood too much."

Wife:  "Would you rather have salmon?"

Monster:  "That's still seafood."

Wife:  "No it's not.  It's fish."

 -  - pause -  - all air has left the vehicle - - I can hear gears grinding in kids heads as they sit in back - -

Monster: "Um, what?"

Wife:  "Well, sure, it comes from the water, but it's not 'SEA' food."

 - pause - - pause -  - kids + me wondering if she is trying to find out how to backtrack that -  - pause -  -

 

PS:  If any of you assholes mention this deal to her, I'll gut you.

 

*won, 9 - 4, went 0-2 / 0 RBI / 1st AB thrown out @ 1st on a decent hit & quality SS fielding, 2nd AB k on swings.

8 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

PS:  If any of you assholes mention this deal to her, I'll gut you.

Like a fish?

We needed new plastic cutting boards. 

Box from Amazon arrives with a package of five cutting boards-

5x7 cutting boards. 

So we now have 5 cutting boards that I can use the next time I need to cut a lime. 

10 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:

We needed new plastic cutting boards. 

Box from Amazon arrives with a package of five cutting boards-

5x7 cutting boards. 

So we now have 5 cutting boards that I can use the next time I need to cut a lime. 

They're plastic, just throw them in an easy bake oven and you got yourself a new 10x14 cutting board and one for your limes

2 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

They're plastic, just throw them in an easy bake oven and you got yourself a new 10x14 cutting board and one for your limes

Huh... Never really worked for me

 

39 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh for fucks sake....

dccaaa1022ca7fac8e629ed4d64e98bd.jpg

No shit. Who the fuck closes a cereal box like that? 

Women, that's who. 

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