April 12, 20187 yr I should take a picture of the bed (sans wife) and see if y’all can figure out how she can possibly be cold at night with 15 quilts and blankets.
April 12, 20187 yr If I ask for the remote to turn up the volume and she hands me the netflix remote one more time, I'm going to fucking loose it.
April 12, 20187 yr 19 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said: If I ask for the remote to turn up the volume and she hands me the netflix remote one more time, I'm going to fucking loose it. You let her near the remote? That's on you.
April 12, 20187 yr 21 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said: You let her near the remote? That's on you. She gets home about an hour before me. Can't be helped.
April 12, 20187 yr 2 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said: She gets home about an hour before me. Can't be helped. You need to find a dummy remote to keep her occupied. Like the PlayStation controller you gave your little brother when you were kids.
April 12, 20187 yr On 4/10/2018 at 9:56 PM, High Plains Drifter said: Fifteen minutes after arriving at work, I get a phone call. Her car has a flat. Its parked at the kids' school, school says its ok to leave where it is. She's going to Uber to work, can I "take care of it"? I leave work, drive to the kids' school, park my car, walk to her car, open the hatch, trash blows out, diet coke bottles roll out, and there is a fuck ton of shit in the cargo area that I have to unload before I can get to the spare. List includes: Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch). Yoga mat Briefcase so full of shit it won't close Work out bag Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles? It took me longer to unload all that crap than it did to change the tire. Fuck. For this reason and a host of others is why I pay for roadside assistance on my cell plan. Let somebody else deal with all that crap.
April 12, 20187 yr So she buys a step counter online to participate in a step challenge at work. Nevermind that we have 2 at home already that the in laws gave us, and nevermind that she has a step counting app on her phone. Oh and the one she bought somehow isn't compatible with the apps that the group is using to keep score. And we are on vacation during one of the weeks that this challenge is taking place, but that's okay because this step counter is water proof so she can wear it in Mexico. Guess what sat on the bathroom counter the entire time we were in Mexico?
April 12, 20187 yr 2 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said: If I ask for the remote to turn up the volume and she hands me the netflix remote one more time, I'm going to fucking loose it. Quick fix: Lose it in your loose asshole
April 13, 20187 yr Wife wanted to help with yard work. Took the weed eater to the side of the house. Cut my water sensor to the pool line in half.Your fault. She is only allowed to pick up leaves.
April 13, 20187 yr guys, its a rule of this thread that thermostats are not to be discussed. its been scientifically proven that there has never been a woman who can figure those out.It still bugs me when she says she "turned it down" when she increased the temp. Her meaning is that she turned down the the fan speed or how often it kicks on. My meaning is that "down" means a lower temp and "up" means a higher temp. Just like it bugs me when she talks about traveling "down to Dallas" from Austin....
April 13, 20187 yr Just like it bugs me when she talks about traveling "down to Dallas" from Austin....This kills me. I correct her every single time. I don’t care when she gets pissed because “I knew what she meant.” I will continue to correct her every single time. She will either change her phrasing or continue to be pissed at me every time she says it. I will die on this hill.
April 13, 20187 yr Me while driving: Can you look this up on your phone real quick? Wife: My phone is so slow on the internet now. I can't get it to work. Me: Pull up chrome and let me see your phone. Wife pulls up Chrome and there are 96 tabs open. I didn't go through all of them, but almost all of them were for the weather forecast.
April 13, 20187 yr 20 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said: I should take a picture of the bed (sans wife) and see if y’all can figure out how she can possibly be cold at night with 15 quilts and blankets.
April 13, 20187 yr This kills me. I correct her every single time. I don’t care when she gets pissed because “I knew what she meant.” I will continue to correct her every single time. She will either change her phrasing or continue to be pissed at me every time she says it. I will die on this hill. Is her name CJ?
April 13, 20187 yr Me while driving: Can you look this up on your phone real quick? Wife: My phone is so slow on the internet now. I can't get it to work. Me: Pull up chrome and let me see your phone. Wife pulls up Chrome and there are 96 tabs open. I didn't go through all of them, but almost all of them were for the weather forecast.Haha. I sometimes get to 10 tabs on chrome then see stuff I looked at like a month ago.
April 13, 20187 yr Popular Post She's on facebook reading about the teachers strike.. Her: it looks like everyone's jumping on the teacher's vanwagon on this deal My Daughter: VAN-wagon?!!! Dad, is she serious?
April 14, 20187 yr On 4/12/2018 at 4:44 PM, Bill Brasky said: So she buys a step counter online to participate in a step challenge at work. Nevermind that we have 2 at home already that the in laws gave us, and nevermind that she has a step counting app on her phone. Oh and the one she bought somehow isn't compatible with the apps that the group is using to keep score. And we are on vacation during one of the weeks that this challenge is taking place, but that's okay because this step counter is water proof so she can wear it in Mexico. Guess what sat on the bathroom counter the entire time we were in Mexico? If she’s only competing against women she’s still right there in the mix
April 14, 20187 yr On 4/12/2018 at 4:44 PM, Bill Brasky said: So she buys a step counter online to participate in a step challenge at work. Nevermind that we have 2 at home already that the in laws gave us, and nevermind that she has a step counting app on her phone. Oh and the one she bought somehow isn't compatible with the apps that the group is using to keep score. And we are on vacation during one of the weeks that this challenge is taking place, but that's okay because this step counter is water proof so she can wear it in Mexico. Guess what sat on the bathroom counter the entire time we were in Mexico? your dignity?
April 14, 20187 yr She just asked me to take her vehicle to the car wash, and have it detailed. As we are having the discussion, you can clearly hear the thunder and rain coming down.
April 14, 20187 yr 2 hours ago, Brothahorn said: She just asked me to take her vehicle to the car wash, and have it detailed. As we are having the discussion, you can clearly hear the thunder and rain coming down. I'll never understand the thinking behind this. On spring melt days, my peeve is those that wait in line 9 cars deep * 5 min per car wash just to have the car be just as dirty as it was before you washed it, 5 blocks down the road.
April 14, 20187 yr We were meeting a wedding photographer at Bennu Coffee yesterday off MLK. Coming from central South Austin, I was taking Congress and in the right lane to turn on Cesar Chavez when we got across the river. CM: “Hey, there’s a Bennu Coffee here too.”Fiancée: “Oh that’s funny, cause I was telling her we should meet on South Congress.”CM: *puts turn signal on* “And she suggested Bennu Coffee?”Fiancée: “I wonder if she knows about this one.”
April 14, 20187 yr On 4/12/2018 at 2:49 PM, Jameslaw121 said: If I ask for the remote to turn up the volume and she hands me the netflix remote one more time, I'm going to fucking loose it. Loose what? The Kraken?
April 14, 20187 yr 23 hours ago, Pokoloco said: She's on facebook reading about the teachers strike.. Her: it looks like everyone's jumping on the teacher's vanwagon on this deal My Daughter: VAN-wagon?!!! Dad, is she serious? Be glad it skipped a generation.
April 14, 20187 yr Me last night lying in bed with a rock hard diamond cutter when the wife comes out of the bathroom and sees me waiting. Goes back in and proceeds to take 15 minutes peeing and brushing her teeth. Then, she comes out, gets into bed and rolls over away from me. I give up the chase and go to bed. This morning, wife says I know you wanted to make love last night, but I was very tired. Maybe we can do it tonight. Me, what makes you think I'll even be in the mood. You ration the pussy so much I've got used to going without anything except excuses. I expect a date night with Manuela might be in store.
April 15, 20187 yr 2 hours ago, El Moco said: Me, what makes you think I'll even be in the mood. Because you are always in the mood or can be in a matter of seconds. They know that and use it against you. #undefeated.
April 15, 20187 yr Me last night lying in bed with a rock hard diamond cutter when the wife comes out of the bathroom and sees me waiting. Goes back in and proceeds to take 15 minutes peeing and brushing her teeth. Then, she comes out, gets into bed and rolls over away from me. I give up the chase and go to bed. This morning, wife says I know you wanted to make love last night, but I was very tired. Maybe we can do it tonight. Me, what makes you think I'll even be in the mood. You ration the pussy so much I've got used to going without anything except excuses. I expect a date night with Manuela might be in store.Are you still a great big fat person? If so that likely makes it difficult for her to want to have sex with you.
April 15, 20187 yr I tell my wife we bombed Syria which sent her into some drunken rant about national security that I can't even begin to recount except one line about, "... ever since Saddam Hussein took out the world trade center." I quietly mumbled to myself, "Forget it, she's rolling." Edited April 15, 20187 yr by Mitch Cumsteen
April 15, 20187 yr I tell my wife we bombed Syria which sent my wife in some drunken rant about national security that I can't even begin to recount except one line about, "... ever since Saddam Hussein took out the world trade center." I quietly mumbled to myself, "Forget it, she's rolling." Still the leader in the clubhouse, folks.
April 15, 20187 yr On 4/13/2018 at 10:44 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said: My ex once sat on the bathroom counter in Mexico naked. Doesn’t this new place have rules? C’mon man!
April 15, 20187 yr 15 hours ago, KaiserSoze said: 17 hours ago, El Moco said: Me last night lying in bed with a rock hard diamond cutter when the wife comes out of the bathroom and sees me waiting. Goes back in and proceeds to take 15 minutes peeing and brushing her teeth. Then, she comes out, gets into bed and rolls over away from me. I give up the chase and go to bed. This morning, wife says I know you wanted to make love last night, but I was very tired. Maybe we can do it tonight. Me, what makes you think I'll even be in the mood. You ration the pussy so much I've got used to going without anything except excuses. I expect a date night with Manuela might be in store. Read more Are you still a great big fat person? If so that likely makes it difficult for her to want to have sex with you. I’m not fat, I’m pleasantly plump. She’s not a size 4 anymore either. It’s more like, she’s tired all the time. Sex or not.
April 15, 20187 yr Doesn’t this new place have rules? C’mon man!We’ve all seen herSent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
April 16, 20187 yr 13 hours ago, El Moco said: I’m not fat, I’m pleasantly plump. She’s not a size 4 anymore either. It’s more like, she’s tired all the time. Sex or not. May be a hormone thing (if she’s near that age). Try to get her to go for a jog with you and get some of those endorphins pumping.
April 16, 20187 yr On 4/12/2018 at 1:42 PM, High Plains Drifter said: I do like to have sexy time ever now and again. What has that got to do with the wife?
April 16, 20187 yr On 4/13/2018 at 10:44 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said: My ex once sat on the bathroom counter in Mexico naked. Was that how she told you she got gonorrhea? Sorry, she was kind of gullible.
April 16, 20187 yr A couple weeks ago, wife made bacon and eggs for breakfast. She had bought a small pack of bacon so that there were 9 pieces for our famiky of four (2 for each of them and 3 for me). Several of us (not my wife) opined that we wished there was more bacon. So - Friday I picked up some eggs and bacon for Sunday breakfast. Recalling the earlier issue, I made sure to get a pack with 17 slices of bacon in it. Wife makes breakfast and we sit at the table where my wife produces a plate with 9 pieces of cooked bacon on it. Me: Where is the rest of the bacon? Wife: In the fridge. Me: You didnt cook it all? Wife: There were 17 pieces in the package. Apparently MY tone wasn't appreciated after that.
April 16, 20187 yr 33 minutes ago, TKthunder2 said: So what happened to the bacon? It fixed the cable.
April 16, 20187 yr I was in the hospital for a few days having my gallbladder removed and the wife cooked a entire jumbo pack of bacon to put in some sort of cabbage stir fry recipe she found on Pinterest. She left over half of the ones cooked bacon in a Tupperware container in the back of the fridge which sat there until she decided it was time for her to throw it all away. I was not happy.
April 16, 20187 yr I like Tupperware because it holds food until we're ready to throw it away.I thought that's what the "doggy-bag" boxes with restaurant leftovers were for. My wife is always bringing home uneaten food "for lunch tomorrow" that ends up sitting in the fridge for a week before throwing it away. God forbid if I were to eat it before then.
April 16, 20187 yr Tax time. "It just doesn't seem like we made that much money last year (we being just me, in our case)." Don't I know it honey.
April 16, 20187 yr 6 hours ago, Kringelbert Fishtybuns said: Was that how she told you she got gonorrhea? Sorry, she was kind of gullible.
April 16, 20187 yr 5 hours ago, miguelito said: I like Tupperware because it holds food until we're ready to throw it away. PM your address. got a cupboard full of worthless ones that havent seen light since 2011
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