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Featured Replies

9 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

That politician is crooked as a dog's hind leg.

He got left sucking hind tit.

Pouting like a sulled up mule.

14 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

He's got the same britches to get happy in that he got mad in.

I's gonna be stealin' that one.

Just used “you don’t know shit from shinola” on a thread a minute ago.

When someone lectures me in my work I like to say, “I may have fallen off the turnip truck but it wasn’t yesterday” right before I give them a strong retort.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper the closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

Not sure that’s a countryism but my country grandmother used to say it to me.

Let me get back to my rat killin..aka back to work


"I ain't going to heaven on a belly full of lettuce"

Shit, I use the rat killing one all the time.  I don't think of it as country, but damned if it isn't.  

Also: Here comes Blister.  (The guy who always shows up after the hard work is finished.  He didn't contribute, but you'll sure know that he's there now.)

Edited by Scheiss Meister

I said god willing and the creek don’t rise this weekend at a business meeting. I laughed and thought of this thread.

Got this a few times growing up. You’re either the pig or the chicken in a ham and eggs breakfast. The pig is committed while the chicken is only involved.

On 1/24/2020 at 1:21 PM, Elvis said:

So I'm in need of a good countryism. 

 

My son's are 10 and 6 and I coach and scout them, so I'm around a lot of kids.  I've got most of them saying yes sir and yes coach, but my pet peeve is when I address them, and they instinctively look up and say "what?"  without thinking.  I've been telling them "listen here, I'll never ask you a question that the answer is: what."  Sometimes I'll follow up with "unless I ask you to name a unit of power".  (Watt).

Help me make these knuckleheads feel stupid.

If you asked my granddad "what?" he would ask you if you thought you were a GD light bulb.

CHIEF

20 hours ago, CHIEF said:

If you asked my granddad "what?" he would ask you if you thought you were a GD light bulb.

CHIEF

That was the dad of one of my buddies. You a effin' lightbulb?

He's so tight he can squeeze a penny til Abe screams.

He’s so tight, if you could get a piece of coal up his ass, he’d shit diamonds.
When we would say "hey!", my mom would always say "Hay's cheaper than corn."  Never really understood what it meant, other than hay is really cheaper than corn.
 
Oh - and if we asked "Why" about something, she would say "Cat fur, want a pair of kitten britches?"  Doesn't make a lot of sense either.
It was when we asked "What for?" (said what fur?) that she would answer about the kitten britches, which makes more sense.

Tough titty said the kitty when the milk when dry. Said in response to when you couldn’t get more of something.
If we screwed something up, my grandfather would say....."You boys could tear up an anvil."
 
 
I made that comment today referring to the ups hub in mesquite. They suck.

My piles are hanging so low, when I wiped my ass I thought I was shaking hands with myself.

 

17 hours ago, Stormandy said:

My piles are hanging so low, when I wiped my ass I thought I was shaking hands with myself.

 

My granddad, same as the one above, used to have a rock in his pocket and would ask you to kiss it for good luck, then tell you he used it to push in his "piles". Of course, none of us knew what piles were until we asked.

CHIEF

  • 3 weeks later...

Anything golf:  ___________ pasture pool.

Cameltoes:  Cow stepped in mud

Poor:  We'uz so poor daddy used to make all us boys stand on the porch and jack off to feed the dogs .......   then we had to jack the dogs off to feed the cats.

  • 1 year later...
On 1/12/2020 at 10:06 AM, Scheiss Meister said:

Yeehaw finally  I can buck like  Five  bit  snake  Herder in an Appaloosa ranch house again

On 1/12/2020 at 6:52 PM, The Dude said:

 

Edited by Cody Wilcox

The president of our division was from the south and had one for every occasion. My favorite was “he’s more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”

One legged man in an ass kicking contest.

  • Author

Gayer than six guys blowing seven guys.

Oh wait no that was Patton Oswalt.

My dad was raised in Olney, Texas. I could probably write a book on Texas-isms.

Quick story. Archer City is about 15 minutes from Olney and is where The Last Picture Show & Texasville were filmed. During the filming of Texasville, Jeff Bridges and Randy Quaid would eat down at the Dairy Queen and spend their spare time "Shooting the shit" with the locals. Cybill Shepherd mostly stayed in her trailer. Supposedly she had her food flown in from Dallas.

 

Come hell or high water. (Speaking of Jeff Bridges)

More than you can shake a stick at.

He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Son were you raised in a barn?

There's no slack in his rope.

Well look what the cat drug in.

Colder than a witch's tit.

I feel ya but I just can't reach ya.

Sick as a dog.

Further than a country mile.

We're burnin' daylight.

She'll talk your ear off.

I wouldn't trust him any further than I could chunk him.

Well ain't he in tall cotton.

She got on him like a chicken on a June bug.

That sure is a big o' snake.

I swear to god you could tear up a steel ball.

Boy I'll knock you into next week.

Worthless as tits on a bull.

They don't put pockets in a casket. (You can't take it with, so enjoy life.)

 

 

Can’t run out of sight in a day 

Runs too long in the same place

Take your time leaving (a favorite of my grandmother’s when we got up to leave. She would stand in the doorway and waved at us while we backed out of the driveway and until we drove out of sight)

From can to can’t 

Weight is what broke the bridge down (a favorite of my dad’s when I told him to wait or hold on)

She could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch

Take a long walk on a short pier

when you see a guy driving a new pickup or sporting anything you like that you don't have

"I wished I had that, and he had a feather up his ass....we would both be tickled then"

Edited by Hpara759

My HS football coach told us linemen that we were "slower than cum running down his wife's leg after sex". Not really country but it kind of fits here. 

I heard this Pennsyltucky hillbilly chick say "She ain't but dumb" about this other girl she was talking about and it cracked me up. I still use that one.

Ya'll know about an Arkansas circumcision? That when you slap your little sister in the mouth.

Time to piss on the fire and call in the dogs. 

(Old coon hunting phrase for its time to go)

On 2/5/2020 at 10:27 PM, General Specific said:

One in hand is worth two in the bush.

YMMV

 

au contraire.

 

An orgasm in the bush is better than two in the hand.

 

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