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#1851
58 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

I thought my ex had that same issue. Turns out it was just me.

Are you saying you're a lousy lay?

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  • Last night I was having a dream where I was having sexy time with some random cute girl. And then out of nowhere the cute girl says, " let me try this" and then proceeds to stick her whole hand down h

  • 58 years ago today….  

  • Bullshit.  It's a dick move to knowingly jump in the express line with more items than allowed.  People get in that line to move quick.  It is their business if you fuck that up.

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#1855
On 1/13/2020 at 4:41 PM, WhatTheBuck said:

You delivered it to the wrong address. 

Nope.   
 

 

 

so I see mechanics and the usps are now open on sundays.   Sign of a great economy or peeps needing extra money to pay the bills?

#1856
How many years was txtow sent to jail? If it was posted I forgot.
40 years for rock throwing... concurrently with 99 for aggravated sexual assault of a child.
#1858

At what age do old men determine that athletic attire is totally unnecessary for a trip to the gym? Older gentleman yesterday morning at the Y was working out in jeans, a pair of sperrys and and a short sleeve button up shirt over a t-shirt. A lot of the morning regulars seem to prefer cargo shorts and those black leather work shoes as they sit on the recumbent exercise bikes pedaling at 1/2 mph.

Edited by Storm the Field

#1861

For all the shit people have talked about Daniel Craig's accent in "Knives Out" the truth is I have encountered dozens of folk who sound exactly like that since moving closer to Appalachia.

The guy running the grill at the cafe where I'm currently having breakfast manages to make even fast-moving restaurant kitchen banter seem like honey butter slowly melting on a biscuit.

#1862
2 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

For all the shit people have talked about Daniel Craig's accent in "Knives Out" the truth is I have encountered dozens of folk who sound exactly like that since moving closer to Appalachia.

The guy running the grill at the cafe where I'm currently having breakfast manages to make even fast-moving restaurant kitchen banter seem like honey butter slowly melting on a biscuit.

John Travolta’s Brooklyn accent in Urban Cowboy was good laugh. Especially his “sonbitch” instead of “sumbitch”.

#1863
3 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

For all the shit people have talked about Daniel Craig's accent in "Knives Out" the truth is I have encountered dozens of folk who sound exactly like that since moving closer to Appalachia.

The guy running the grill at the cafe where I'm currently having breakfast manages to make even fast-moving restaurant kitchen banter seem like honey butter slowly melting on a biscuit.

Go on...

#1865

In 2018, my oldest son presented to an assembly of NATO leaders regarding their joint training ops with US troops in Europe.

Yesterday, our youngest son interviewed the NATO Supreme Allied Commander yesterday on AFN. Today he is interviewing a 4-star Admiral over European and African  Operations.

Can't really say more than that, but awfully proud of the work they are doing.  Sometimes it is surreal, but we are proud as hell, and grateful for their seizing opportunities they have prepared for.  Yes, the younger one gets called "Private Joker" and "Cronauer" at our house, even though he is neither Marine, nor Air Force.

Edited by Iceman

#1874

I'm at a conference earlier today at AT&T hotel on our beloved campus.  Only quiet place I can find is the actual hotel lobby to handle some business despite there being all kinds of other areas to work.  If you know the space, I'm up on that long built-in sofa along the eastern facade of the lobby.  Hot piece of ass in yoga pants walks through the area to check-in.  I'm just glaring at its majesty, and I can sense somebody else is looking at the prize as well.  Some African Lion wants to challenge me to gently nibble on the ass-newton laid before us.  I look across the seating area and I see what's what.  What's more, there's an envelope of cash from a bank in one of those white slips.  I pick it up, hand it to the man who was vying for the affections of the aforementioned buttocks.  And that man?  Texas' own...George Foreman.  Cool to see him on campus.  

#1875

So when 2015 Biff goes back in time and changes his future by giving his younger self the almanac, thus creating the alternate timeline, how the fuck does he return back to the original timeline in 2015? 

#1877
2 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

So when 2015 Biff goes back in time and changes his future by giving his younger self the almanac, thus creating the alternate timeline, how the fuck does he return back to the original timeline in 2015? 

If you watched The Big Bang Theory you would know

#1878
5 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

If you watched The Big Bang Theory you would know

Thank God I don't know then. 

#1880

y’all seen the ads for keeps.com?  the new hair restoration bullshit?  do people not realize it’s the same shit as rogaine repackaged in a spiffy new box?  like literally the exact same drug.  they market it like it’s some great new solution for balding yet that shit has been around for decades and decades.  

Edited by futureman

#1882

Nope, everybody knows the best way to keep from losing your hair is genetics.  Quit letting your mom fuck bald guys and you'll maintain a thick, lustrous mane like me.  I'm 43 and my hair is literally getting thicker as I get older.  Sure that means mom is banging every Robert Goulet doppelganger in the Western Suburbs of Chicago, but that means I get the phenomenal hair-DNA passed down to me that I deserve.  Seriously, I gotta get it cut every 3 weeks it's so magnificent.

#1884
4 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Everyone knows that a laser hat is the best way to save your hair so you don't go bald. 

it’s FDA approved 

#1885
13 hours ago, Lobo said:

Nope, everybody knows the best way to keep from losing your hair is genetics.  Quit letting your mom fuck bald guys and you'll maintain a thick, lustrous mane like me.  I'm 43 and my hair is literally getting thicker as I get older.  Sure that means mom is banging every Robert Goulet doppelganger in the Western Suburbs of Chicago, but that means I get the phenomenal hair-DNA passed down to me that I deserve.  Seriously, I gotta get it cut every 3 weeks it's so magnificent.

Today I learned that Lobo is Andy Richter's cousin. 

 

#1886

Holy shit, I always felt like he and I were related.  Kinda eerie that you searched for that, but I'll allow it...or my name isn't Robert Goulet.

#1888

I'm now seeing conservative news, liberal news, news from a woman's point of view etc... and I'm wondering "what about old drunk guys that you meet at a bar?  Are their needs being adequately addressed in this new news sphere?"   I'm thinking of a studio in some old dive bar outside of Waco.  The weathergirl could be a waitress who smokes cigarettes and calls the viewers "Hon."  The "going to commercial break"  music would be a scratchy 45 RPM record of Ernest Tubb singing "Waltz Across Texas"  that somebody picked up at a garage sale. 
 

#1890
27 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

increased percentage of Italian-Americans appearing in my LinkedIn "people you may know/want to connect to" feed all of the sudden

I'm a little suspicious

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#1891

My employer is trying to promote a silent auction for charity, whereby the prizes of the auction are events and 'experiences' with managers like Lunches, Go-karting , Cooking classes.

 

The hilarious thing is that these are mid-senior managers.  Like the vice president of supply chain.  Or the north american director of industrial manufacturing.

 

Inspiring, business luminaries these are not.  Moreover, these people in specific are extremely lame.  It aint quite a date with Jeff fucking Bezos.  Im just laughing at how they think there is an incentive to bidding for this, and who actually would, besides the handful of their direct reports who live to kiss ass.

#1892

Yes. In my spare time I like to hang out doing shitty events with mid management people, sucking up to them, and paying top dollar to do so. WIN!

#1893
14 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Yes. In my spare time I like to hang out doing shitty events with mid management people, sucking up to them, and paying top dollar to do so. WIN!

An event with the hot young chick from MarCom?  Yes

An event with the chief dickhole officer?  Maybe, if you're ambitious.

An event with a 50 year old moustached egyptian dude who wears suits 2 sizes too big?  errrr no thanks

#1895
59 minutes ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Is there any reliable evidence that a liar's pants have ever, in fact, caught fire?

The one time I tried to make that happen, I got to talk to a couple of teachers, a principal, a school counselor, a policewoman, my parents, and a psychologist.  As much as people say that they would like to see that happen, they sure do frown on it when you try to give the process a start.

#1896
7 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

The one time I tried to make that happen, I got to talk to a couple of teachers, a principal, a school counselor, a policewoman, my parents, and a psychologist.  As much as people say that they would like to see that happen, they sure do frown on it when you try to give the process a start.

Username blah blah blah

#1898

Not sure why they keep putting roundabouts in Austin neighborhoods. Fucking idiots don’t know how to use them.

 

#1900

Well, they build them because they are super efficient at processing traffic through an intersection. Dumb fucks need to learn. It ain’t that hard.

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