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Featured Replies

5 hours ago, El Diablo said:

Yeah, that's a meal fit for a king. A king who will soon be sitting on the throne.

8 hours on, weight loss plan still working.

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  • Last night I was having a dream where I was having sexy time with some random cute girl. And then out of nowhere the cute girl says, " let me try this" and then proceeds to stick her whole hand down h

  • Armybrat
    Armybrat

    58 years ago today….  

  • Bullshit.  It's a dick move to knowingly jump in the express line with more items than allowed.  People get in that line to move quick.  It is their business if you fuck that up.

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On 7/11/2018 at 6:42 PM, LongestHorn said:

Teenagers use waay too much toilet paper.  

I've been in meetings where it's quite clear the fat guy was unable to wipe his ass properly.  It's like an aura or haze of shit emanating from that area.

 

Y’all have such weak constitutions that you can’t throw down some Taco Bell without almost shitting yourselves?

4 minutes ago, skipperj said:

Y’all have such weak constitutions that you can’t throw down some Taco Bell without almost shitting yourselves?

After you've eaten healthy for a few years, your tolerance for that "food" drops substantially.  Last time I ate Taco bell my shit looked like unicorn diarrhea.

On 7/11/2018 at 11:42 AM, LongestHorn said:

Teenagers use waay too much toilet paper.  

Its because they just masturbated and want to flush it down the toilet

6 hours ago, skipperj said:

Y’all have such weak constitutions that you can’t throw down some Taco Bell without almost shitting yourselves?

No shit. 

5 hours ago, workswithseed said:

Its because they just masturbated and want to flush it down the toilet

Username checks out. 

13 hours ago, skipperj said:

Y’all have such weak constitutions that you can’t throw down some Taco Bell without almost shitting yourselves?

Throw it up? I haven't had shits this good since I was in Costa Rica. In 24 hours I've lost two inches off my waistline. If this keeps up, my hair will grow back, my old dog will be alive again, and they'll be playing "Joshua Tree" on Top-40 Radio.

On my Temple of the Dog station on pandora they played a 2 chainz song.

Really pandora?

What would space travel have been like after Apollo 11 had Buzz Aldrin locked the lunar module door before walking on the moon with Neil?

I think they had a magnetic key holder under the bumper. Or did you mean Buzz locked Neil out for cutting in line?

Edited by ImissWallyPryor

1) I always envisioned Buzz knocking out Neil or even knocking him off by like pulling out his air system before he went out, saying, "I'm the first mothafucka to ever set foot on the moon, and i don't give a fuck what they do to me!"

2) Then I used to envision Michael Collins saying, "Fuck you, Aldrin, Neil was my best friend!" then simply gassing the Command Module out of lunar orbit, laughing evilly at Buzz over the LEM sound system.


I used to have a pretty good imagination.

Do fans of Mariachi or Polka music sit around and debate who the best accordion player etc is in the world.  Sort of like rock music fans debate who the best guitarist is?

3 hours ago, Moby Ric said:

Do fans of Mariachi or Polka music sit around and debate who the best accordion player etc is in the world.  Sort of like rock music fans debate who the best guitarist is?

Are there fans of Polka music, per se?  Or people who dance to Polka music.  

I would be weirded the fuck out if I showed up at somebodies house and they were just "enjoying" Polka music.

56 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

Are there fans of Polka music, per se?  Or people who dance to Polka music. 


Has Austin discontinued Oktoberfest? Or do you dislike pretty girls and beer?

My row mate on my SWA flight to Chicago is either on the spectrum or will be the next big spree shooter.

Motherfucker is sitting on the aisle and about 30 minutes into the flight I had to go pee.  Asked, politely, if I could squeeze by.  the dude just stared at me and barely turned his legs sideways to let me by...whatever, go to pee.

When I got back to the seat, same shit, I basically had to crawl over him.  As I sit down, I shoot him a "nice dick move, asshole" look.  He then proceeds to stare at me for a solid minute.  I look at him and ask "what is your fucking problem?".  Just continues to stare.  I finally stare him down.  Then, drinks come...I get my water, flight attendant hands him his and he, literally, dumped it into the vacant middle seat, dousing me, my laptop and all my shit....no apology...more stares.

Finally, he gets up to go pee himself and the flight attendant asked him to go to the front, instead of trying to get by her to go to the rear....stares her down, then turns and walks up front.  I took the opportunity to change seats, so I don't beat him to fucking death and go to jail.  The end of these random thoughts. 

Open call for extras for a movie filming in Bryan. It's for prisoners and family. I can't imagine how bad a movie would have to be to film in Bryan Fucking Texas, but the roles certainly seem right.

22 minutes ago, DigglerontheHoof said:

Drinker

Then why the fuck weren't you sitting in the aisle seat? 

Aisle=drink, Window=sleep

Edited by skipperj

17 hours ago, skipperj said:

Then why the fuck weren't you sitting in the aisle seat? 

Aisle=drink, Window=sleep

It is known.

In case anyone missed the post in the VIP, Casey is moving to America. 

Some crooks that learned how to do the profession wrong:

 

I hope you ruined some of his shit before you left. 


Exactly. Maybe pour a couple of drinks on his seat before you leave.
Do fans of Mariachi or Polka music sit around and debate who the best accordion player etc is in the world.  Sort of like rock music fans debate who the best guitarist is?


Lesbians confuse me. You like women but date women who try to look like men?

Edited by ShaggyBevo RIP

9 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

Lesbians confuse me. You like women but date women who try to look like men?

It's not like the movies, man.

2 hours ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

Lesbians confuse me. You like women but date women who try to look like men?

Arouse. The word you are looking for is arouse. 

I hate it when I stub my little toe. My house is full of hidden traps that I should have seared into my brain by now, but no. I go full Peter Griffin and feel the pain of hitting the same gotdam thing for the 4th time wash over me like rivulets of icicles in a cascading waterfall of shame.

On 7/16/2018 at 9:08 PM, mulletpelini said:

ever notice how similar mexican music and polka are?

Yeah, Tejano is heavily influenced by German and Czech folk music.  This makes since given that the style developed in central and south Texas, where there are/were lots of Mexicans and lots of Germans and Czechs.

/noCR but I'm pretty sure trey Gowdy is trolling all of us with that hair style. The pimp hand is strong is his household.

Our family has two cats. One is a panzy-assed fluff ball. My wife and daughter dote on that one. The other is a battle-scarred bad ass whom I have seen stare down an angry coyote before. My son and I prefer her.

There's a sociology paper in there somewhere. 

Watching old clips from In Living Color, is kinda funny watching unknowns who became famous...

 

Watching a Johnny Carson rerun from July 29, 1983. The guests are Carrie Fisher and Garry Shandling. Garry says to Carrie: "Your parents are Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. Are you familiar with my parents Irv and Muriel Shandling?"

Terre Haute sounds like an awfully pretentious name for a town in a state as boring as Indiana.


They also have Gary so it evens out

What happened to the Lohan from Parent Trap..? She got into wizardry, that's what...

 

So, is the southwestern United States, actually in the southwest..?

 

When you pick the wrong day to die...

 

On 7/16/2018 at 12:45 PM, RollLeft said:

Not so fast my friend...

john-candy.jpg?quality=95&w=650&h=431

John Candy, man you could feel his jolly kindness through the screen, he was a great actor, and I'm sure an even better person...

ever notice how similar mexican music and polka are?
Because both are amazingly annoying?

d251bc44c914405f114984f8c81adc5e.jpg

 

Does anyone ever actually use these pieces of shit in hotel rooms? I think I did once a long time ago and it was messy as fuck and tasted like shit. Most hotels have coffee in the lobby anyway. Why are these still a thing in hotel rooms?

 

26 minutes ago, 'stache said:

d251bc44c914405f114984f8c81adc5e.jpg

 

Does anyone ever actually use these pieces of shit in hotel rooms? I think I did once a long time ago and it was messy as fuck and tasted like shit. Most hotels have coffee in the lobby anyway. Why are these still a thing in hotel rooms?

 

It's not bad.  Probably the same coffee and water they use in the lobby, plus you don't have to go to the lobby.  Also, setting up the pot and ripping the packets open early in the morning is good payback to any asshole roomies who may have kept you up late the night before.

I never use them unless everything is completely dry prior to my adding water, and even then, it's only in rare circumstances. 

On a similar note, Joey Crawford (bald shithead NBA ref) admitted to pissing in hotel ice buckets all the time so that he wouldn't have to get out of bed to piss while hungover. 

It also grosses me out thinking about someone leaving water in the tank months ago and it having molded. I also assume that since no one uses them the coffee packets are old as fuck. I just don’t get why they still show up on hotels.

 

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