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Featured Replies

1 minute ago, Lobo said:

You Marry the Pole, Fuck the Monkey, and Kill the Assassin.  Wait...

It's very confusing! Some sources like SI say girlfriend. Others say wife!

Edited by n64ra

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  • Did anyone mention the possibility that the kid was trick or treating and hoping to find a house that was giving out Rhesus?

  • Hank Scorpio
    Hank Scorpio

    We’ve all been there, it’s Halloween, you left your wife and kids for a stripper so you don’t even remember that until you see a kid in a pirate costume, you’re trying to study film to come up with an

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Let's pause a moment, take a deep breath, and marvel at the direction this program has taken. Stripper monkey pole assassin is awesome. 

Seriosuly, if we had this much bite in 2H of games like we do in 2H of seasons, we'd win the muthafucka... Drunk but not out.. stripper monkey pole assassin has my vote for the next Governor of the great state of Texas! 

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5 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

If the ISU band doesn't play something like Shock The Monkey or We're The Monkees during the game Saturday I will be severely disappointed.

ETA - Or The Beatles' Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey.

It’s a real fucking shame we aren’t playing Rice this weekend….

1 minute ago, Ignatius said:

It’s a real fucking shame we aren’t playing Rice this weekend….

Amen.

Here's hoping the ISU marching band brings the heat.

30 minutes ago, n64ra said:

So is Jeff Banks married to or just dating Pole Assassin ?

Girlfriend 

58 minutes ago, nnm said:

Well, he’s stroking something. This much has been verified with video evidence. 

I stroke it to the east
And I stroke it to the west
And I stroke it to the woman that I love the best
I be strokin'

19 minutes ago, Ignatius said:

It’s a real fucking shame we aren’t playing Rice this weekend….

Those dorks didn't even show up when we played them earlier in the season and they had the Piggy massacre/SEC material to work with

Correct. But they didn’t have a stripper’s emotional-support monkey biting a trick-or-treater. Allegedly. 

Got to love a woman who has the word "ass" in her title twice, not to mention "in" at the end.

Just now, HornsOverIthaca said:

Once you buy a monkey I’m pretty sure that counts as common law marriage.

I'd listen to this man, he's pre-Monkey Law.  Granted he failed the Bird Law program.  

But yes, the case law is settled.  Once you go in together on a Joint Tenants with Rights of Monkey Survivorship title, you are common law married.  Unless the monkey decides to consume human flesh, then the covenant is broken and the Monkey escheats to the spouse who put in 50% +$1 into the monkey acquisition.  

1 hour ago, ChickenNuggets said:

Let's pause a moment, take a deep breath, and marvel at the direction this program has taken. Stripper monkey pole assassin is awesome. 

There are few programs that crash and burn  in such a spectacular fashion as ours.  Even as a complete dumpster fire we are still the talk of the town.   Fuck it. At this point I am tuned in solely for the laughs.

I think you people (no racist) are being awfully judgmental of this poor man . . . .

Who are we to judge a man who leaves his wife for a Pole Assistant stripper who has a monkey?

13 minutes ago, AnTiM said:

Got to love a woman who has the word "ass" in her title twice, not to mention "in" at the end.

It's an adult version of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Ass, Ass, In!

11 minutes ago, Lobo said:

I'd listen to this man, he's pre-Monkey Law.  Granted he failed the Bird Law program.  

Physics for Primates was the real problem,

2 minutes ago, HornsOverIthaca said:

Physics for Primates was the real problem,

 

MV5BYmI3Mzg0NDItNjQ5MC00MWNjLTlhMzItOWY0NGY3NTVmMGYxXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyOTc5MDI5NjE@._V1_.jpg

10 minutes ago, smwhorn said:

I think you people (no racist) are being awfully judgmental of this poor man . . . .

Who are we to judge a man who leaves his wife for a Pole Assistant stripper who has a monkey?

Nobody leaves their wife for the assistant stripper.

1 minute ago, Deej said:

Nobody leaves their wife for the assistant stripper.

No, it was Assistant TO the Regional Stripper.  

This is a gateway drug towards getting Bobby Petrino or Mike Price right?

can the monkey play defense?

wait. can the monkey coach defense? 

3 hours ago, Francisco 2.0 said:

 

 

Uhh, that would be Penis. Because, you know...aggy.

@immamac @RGBIII

Interview Pole Assassin for the next podcast. She is begging to tell her story. It must be told.

Sweet 6 pound baby Jeaus...let it happen. I will drive and lubricate you two fuckers with all the El Rancho margs you can drink.

27 minutes ago, staboner said:

can the monkey play defense?

wait. can the monkey coach defense? 

If you filled a room full of a thousand monkeys and whiteboards, they would end up designing a better defense than the one we run.

7 minutes ago, BigSwingingD said:

@immamac @RGBIII

Interview Pole Assassin for the next podcast. She is begging to tell her story. It must be told.

Sweet 6 pound baby Jeaus...let it happen. I will drive and lubricate you two fuckers with all the El Rancho margs you can drink.

if you want a halted speech pattern of nouns interspliced with the occasional present tense verb.

57 minutes ago, Deej said:

It's an adult version of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Ass, Ass, In!

I thought it went, "ass, mouth, ass, in"

What happens between a man, a stripper, a monkey, a pole and a neighborhood kid ain't nobody else's business. Them's the Monkey Rules. 

2 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

What happens between a man, a stripper, a monkey, a pole and a neighborhood kid ain't nobody else's business. Them's the Monkey Rules. 

So I guess that makes Jeff Banks...the Monkey Man?  He may get his ass whooped in the Cotton Bowl, but he knows a good Stones song at Fair Park:

 

dollars to donuts they are playing this song right there, right now.

These are the college football stories Gameday needs to feed America on Saturday mornings instead of our weekly Rinaldi weepfest

Just now, cmontexas said:

These are the college football stories Gameday needs to feed America on Saturday mornings instead of our weekly Rinaldi weepfest

That monkey came from an impoverished village and had to fight every day of his life until he made his way to the big city strip joints and got discovered by a woman with a heart of gold. Let Rinaldi cover that. 

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46 minutes ago, BigSwingingD said:

@immamac @RGBIII

Interview Pole Assassin for the next podcast. She is begging to tell her story. It must be told.

Sweet 6 pound baby Jeaus...let it happen. I will drive and lubricate you two fuckers with all the El Rancho margs you can drink.

She has been invited through every possible avenue

25 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

What happens between a man, a stripper, a monkey, a pole and a neighborhood kid ain't nobody else's business. Them's the Monkey Rules. 

Don't forget Doctor of Neighborhood. 

It stands to reason.  There is Doctor of Medicine.  Doctor of Optometry.  Doctor of Pharmacy.  Why can't there be a Doctor of Neighborhood, or Demographer for short?  

Just crossed my mind... I think one of our own, @RDCanecutter has some artistic interest in primates. Can't remember if it was monkeys, gorillas or apes but I bet he's got some artwork that depicts a monkey or similar with a stripper or similar or possibly even AS a stripper or similar. Great marketing opportunity here my friend. Get busy! 

I was wondering wtf the special teams guy could have done.  This did not disappoint.  Looking forward to catching up... page 2 and the shit is already the stuff of legends.  Holy shit. 

You know what I love about Texas, and Surly in particular? We find this story hysterical. We’re running with it. It brings us joy.

Had this exact same story happened when Banks was at Aggy….aggy would devote all their energy to being defensive, taking about how the trick or treater was clearly a sip spy, monkeys are actually a long-standing aggy turdition, and this proves how red-ass Banks really is, other programs are jealous they don’t have a highly esteemed stripper monkey, blah blah blah.

Not us. We embrace the darkness….we were born to it. You think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. We were born in it, molded by it. We didn't see the light until we were already men, and by then it was nothing to us but blinding!

"But I am just a monkey man
I'm glad you are a monkey woman too"

 

2 minutes ago, Radical Larry said:

They need some monkey helmet stickers.

Absolutely.  

Our special teams units in high school were called shit related to bees:  Stingers, Hornets, Yellow Jackets, shit like that.

So as Texas, the unit will be called "Monkeys" and the helmet awards are based on:

You Fake the Punt.

You Bite the Pirate.

You Fuck the Assassin.  

A woman with an emotional support monkey has got to be the biggest red flag I've ever heard of.

Is it the same monkey though that she's been bringing up on stage with her all these years to perform on the pole?  

How do you make the claim that it's an emotional support animal if you also trained it to pick up $2 bills en masse?  

3 minutes ago, royiv said:

A woman with an emotional support monkey has got to be the biggest red flag I've ever heard of.

 

Just now, royiv said:

A woman with an emotional support monkey has got to be the biggest red flag I've ever heard of.

Like the kind you wave in front of a bull? 



Had this exact same story happened when Banks was at Aggy….aggy would devote all their energy to being defensive


They’d have the monkey fling shit up on that wall of champions and see what stuck?
1 minute ago, El Diablo said:

Like the kind you wave in front of a bull? 

Why would you wave an emotional support monkey in front of a bull?  

Wait, never mind.  I totally understand now.  

1 hour ago, JesusSweatDuck said:

I thought it went, "ass, mouth, ass, in"

Steve Brule What GIF

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