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My whole family has convened on the BIL's patio for a relative I've never met to perform a fire dancing routine.

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  • FloridaHorn
    FloridaHorn

    After reading, it is apparent that I am either related to several of you fuckers, or we are all living in some sort of parallel universe. I start my holiday story with only the following as a guide...

  • FloridaHorn
    FloridaHorn

    So, I showed up with a 18 lb turkey, and a glazed ham which set me back a little over $100 bucks. The entirety of the items brought by the rest of the Maypear Mafia may not have cost $50 in total. The

  • GhostOfTomJoad
    GhostOfTomJoad

    A common request on this board, but it ain't happening. They're not identical but definitely looked similar when younger. Mrs GOTJ is still stunning (exercise, good diet, takes care of herself, etc

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  • Popular Post

My father can’t help but say shit that comes across insulting to my wife.


My wife is like a hunter, searching for any hint of an insult.

Working 90 seconds of walking through the door, he said something she took as criticizing her stirring the queso. She walked off in a huff, and is now pouting in the living room while he chats with my daughter in the kitchen.

I get to enjoy a tense evening, then she’ll unload on me after he leaves, maybe even suggest that they spend Christmas in separate rooms tomorrow.

There ain’t enough booze for this.

Bet she was stirring it counterclockwise.  If you didn’t correct that shit on your end, that’s on you bubba. 

8 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

My father can’t help but say shit that comes across insulting to my wife.


My wife is like a hunter, searching for any hint of an insult.

Working 90 seconds of walking through the door, he said something she took as criticizing her stirring the queso. She walked off in a huff, and is now pouting in the living room while he chats with my daughter in the kitchen.

I get to enjoy a tense evening, then she’ll unload on me after he leaves, maybe even suggest that they spend Christmas in separate rooms tomorrow.

There ain’t enough booze for this.

This is absolutely patently false.  

44 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

My father can’t help but say shit that comes across insulting to my wife.


My wife is like a hunter, searching for any hint of an insult.

Working 90 seconds of walking through the door, he said something she took as criticizing her stirring the queso. She walked off in a huff, and is now pouting in the living room while he chats with my daughter in the kitchen.

I get to enjoy a tense evening, then she’ll unload on me after he leaves, maybe even suggest that they spend Christmas in separate rooms tomorrow.

There ain’t enough booze for this.

was she folding?  I'm from fucking California, but even I know that queso needs to be folded.    Your dad may or may not be an asshole.  I reserve judgement there. 

First of five Christmases starts tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM sharp. The fifth will conclude at 6:30 PM on the 26th. Thankfully I am driving no further then 18 minutes from my house… the only problem is Hooks is 15 minutes away. 
 

Godspeed everyone. The goal is not to make everyone (or anyone) happy, just less upset. 

5 hours ago, fuggled said:

My whole family has convened on the BIL's patio for a relative I've never met to perform a fire dancing routine.

Username checks out.

5 hours ago, fuggled said:

My whole family has convened on the BIL's patio for a relative I've never met to perform a fire dancing routine.

23068589.gif

5 hours ago, fuggled said:

My whole family has convened on the BIL's patio for a relative I've never met to perform a fire dancing routine.

 

These stories are ramping up nicely.  

PSA: only buy tickets from the event itself or from a verifiable market like stub hub. Also “too good to be true” always. $1600 for 6 front row tickets could be a stretch via a ticket agency/scalper for a holiday show right before Xmas.

high quality story. It could have ended with the fake tickets and gotten an A from me.  A resulting hospital visit takes it up to A++. 

12 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

My father can’t help but say shit that comes across insulting to my wife.


My wife is like a hunter, searching for any hint of an insult.

Working 90 seconds of walking through the door, he said something she took as criticizing her stirring the queso. She walked off in a huff, and is now pouting in the living room while he chats with my daughter in the kitchen.

I get to enjoy a tense evening, then she’ll unload on me after he leaves, maybe even suggest that they spend Christmas in separate rooms tomorrow.

There ain’t enough booze for this.

image.gif.8825830d03032408a47b1ec031d55ac1.gif

12 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

My father can’t help but say shit that comes across insulting to my wife.


My wife is like a hunter, searching for any hint of an insult.

Working 90 seconds of walking through the door, he said something she took as criticizing her stirring the queso. She walked off in a huff, and is now pouting in the living room while he chats with my daughter in the kitchen.

I get to enjoy a tense evening, then she’ll unload on me after he leaves, maybe even suggest that they spend Christmas in separate rooms tomorrow.

There ain’t enough booze for this.

You're doing it wrong.  The trick is for you to keep sipping, while getting them hammered and watching the show!!!

1 hour ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

PSA: only buy tickets from the event itself or from a verifiable market like stub hub. Also “too good to be true” always. $1600 for 6 front row tickets could be a stretch via a ticket agency/scalper for a holiday show right before Xmas.

high quality story. It could have ended with the fake tickets and gotten an A from me.  A resulting hospital visit takes it up to A++. 

With bar codes and the ability to cancel the existing codes and have them reissued, this is essential.  Scalping tix at an event like the old days is a thing of the past.  No way to know if the tix are any good.

First of five Christmases starts tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM sharp. The fifth will conclude at 6:30 PM on the 26th. Thankfully I am driving no further then 18 minutes from my house… the only problem is Hooks is 15 minutes away. 
 
Godspeed everyone. The goal is not to make everyone (or anyone) happy, just less upset. 
Well me ex's relatives from DeKalb are either dead or in prison, so hey, less traffic.
  • Popular Post

My sister got me some golf balls for Christmas. She intended to get orange ones but accidently ordered red. I laughed when I opened them, she was confused. I then reminded her that I am colorblind and once I hit one of these red balls onto the geen grass, I'll never see it again. No bitching here, it was hilarious.

  • Popular Post

Ok so my Borderline personality disorder ex has a contribution.

Daughter is with me and mine today. We spent yesterday holed up in a bayou off Sabine lake, catching reds and then made it home for my stepbro and sis in laws annual Christmas eve. Today is all day with my parents and family.

Daughter gets a text from her mom. She has prepaid for brunch in Houston, reservations at 1. Today. Just in case her plans change.

Daughter texts her back "how nice. As my plans have been set for a year now, I will be over that way sometime after 5, if I still decide to come."

I'm so blessed not to have to deal with that bullshit.

God bless you, and glad you're getting quality time on the lake and such with your daughter!!!

 

19 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Ok so my Borderline personality disorder ex has a contribution.

Daughter is with me and mine today. We spent yesterday holed up in a bayou off Sabine lake, catching reds and then made it home for my stepbro and sis in laws annual Christmas eve. Today is all day with my parents and family.

Daughter gets a text from her mom. She has prepaid for brunch in Houston, reservations at 1. Today. Just in case her plans change.

Daughter texts her back "how nice. As my plans have been set for a year now, I will be over that way sometime after 5, if I still decide to come."

Brunch is at 10. Let your ex know that she made reservations for a late lunch. 

14 hours ago, fuggled said:

My whole family has convened on the BIL's patio for a relative I've never met to perform a fire dancing routine.

This never before met relative, are they white, with dreadlocks? 

This never before met relative, are they white, with dreadlocks? 
White, straight blonde hair. Fire dancer is doing tarot card readings this morning. I suppose she's a multi purpose gypsy witch.
White, straight blonde hair. Fire dancer is doing tarot card readings this morning. I suppose she's a multi purpose gypsy witch.

Man….sophomore year, I had a fling with a multi purpose gypsy witch. That was a fun semester.

Went to my wife's family last night. they are great, so no drama. But they are vegetarians and attempted to make chicken.........

 

But, I got lots alcohol from her dad and sisters. So i'm good

Not family, but our downstairs neighbor texted my wife at 0830 as we were opening and putting together presents for our early elementary aged kids to complain that he could hear them playing. Merry Christmas.
 

He’s a total chump who texts her because he would never have the balls text me or even come knock on the door. Dickhead is lucky they aren’t in the “wake up at 0430 on Christmas” stage anymore. 

  • Popular Post
10 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Not family, but our downstairs neighbor texted my wife at 0830 as we were opening and putting together presents for our early elementary aged kids to complain that he could hear them playing. Merry Christmas.
 

He’s a total chump who texts her because he would never have the balls text me or even come knock on the door. Dickhead is lucky they aren’t in the “wake up at 0430 on Christmas” stage anymore. 

Sounds like he’s getting an early morning wake up soon image.gif.403a9e271d1c31416d441c0b81816bec.gif

49 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:


Man….sophomore year, I had a fling with a multi purpose gypsy witch. That was a fun semester.

Victoria, Swiss army witch?

Imagine having @SydneyCarton talk to you, but louder and with more gin... And since he lives alone, he can't seem to stop talking until he falls asleep.

That's my father. Been here since Thursday. Got damn... We didnt speak this much when I was a child.... No need to catch up all at once.

My sister has been here since Monday with her fiance.

Love them to death, but damn...  My boys don't even want to be in the room.  I've been on the patio with my BIL.  He's cool. He's loud (he's a radio guy) but he knows when to STFU.

Going to the in-laws in a bit. More little loud kids. More old and loud boomers. 

Tomorrow is the real Christmas - when everyone goes home and shit is quiet.

Merry LOUD Christmas.

This never before met relative, are they white, with dreadlocks? 
Gotta be a DMB fan. If I ever get ink this is gonna be it.

a1b71c864667293f59e19d80cc96dfff.jpg
1 hour ago, fuggled said:
1 hour ago, El Diablo said:
This never before met relative, are they white, with dreadlocks? 

White, straight blonde hair. Fire dancer is doing tarot card readings this morning. I suppose she's a multi purpose gypsy witch.

Sounds like she'd be dynamite in the sack.

I'm so blessed not to have to deal with that bullshit.
God bless you, and glad you're getting quality time on the lake and such with your daughter!!!
 
Thanks.

Ex is extra salty this year as our son and new DIL are having their first Christmas, at Ft. Bragg.

Her field of fire now only includes her husband, elderly mother, and whatever minions she can co-opt.
35 minutes ago, Snacks said:

Imagine having @SydneyCarton talk to you, but louder and with more gin... And since he lives alone, he can't seem to stop talking until he falls asleep.

That's my father. Been here since Thursday. Got damn... We didnt speak this much when I was a child.... No need to catch up all at once.

My sister has been here since Monday with her fiance.

Love them to death, but damn...  My boys don't even want to be in the room.  I've been on the patio with my BIL.  He's cool. He's loud (he's a radio guy) but he knows when to STFU.

Going to the in-laws in a bit. More little loud kids. More old and loud boomers. 

Tomorrow is the real Christmas - when everyone goes home and shit is quiet.

Merry LOUD Christmas.

Damn dude. My condolences. 

Brother has covid so Christmas is uneventful 

  • Popular Post

Cross posting here.

This is my first Christmas with weed.  (Edibles.). I’ve a slow easy high for three days now, including today.  10mg mid morning and I’m chill but functional rest of the day.  Family bullshit hasn’t mattered.

Did hot yoga this morning while high.

Unexpectedly best Christmas ever.

Brother has covid so Christmas is uneventful 

We are an hour plus into the MIL annual Christmas marathon. SIL says oh by the way I had a date two nights ago and my date tested positive today. Pack the kids up and leave. Win for me.
4 hours ago, fuggled said:
4 hours ago, El Diablo said:
This never before met relative, are they white, with dreadlocks? 

White, straight blonde hair. Fire dancer is doing tarot card readings this morning. I suppose she's a multi purpose gypsy witch.

Hoping for this, but guessing not?

 

1BD2D625-3DC2-42CC-AFA9-2AFB07BC6280.jpeg

B1A2636E-E92B-4EEE-8904-B141A9227473.jpeg

On 12/24/2021 at 12:38 PM, cactusflinthead said:

Stolen from Reddit

 

si8menppbi781.jpg

I saw this sign yesterday and today on I-64 in Va.

  • Popular Post

Me to brother: Cardinals and Colts tonight should be good. 
 

Dad to everyone: I haven’t watched pro football since that guy took a knee. 

Few minutes later….

Me to brother: Played any golf lately?

Dad interrupts: You know Titleist won’t let you buy balls with “Let’s Go Brandon” printed on them?

Everyone: silence

Shit might be getting very interesting here shortly.

Edited by conVINCEd

Shit might be getting very interesting here shortly.

Your wife has had enough to drink to maybe get frisky?
  • Author
  • Popular Post

Wrong vibe for this thread as everything has been aces for us. Just the 2 of us so we ate, drank and made merry. On the sad side, this was our first xmas since our dog and oldest cat passed so it was rough not seeing them cuddle up together by the tree. It was even tougher not having a dog to give a prime rib bone to after smoking it last night.

And we got the greatest gift we could have received this morning. The MIL announced she's selling the ranch (already has a very interested buyer with cash in hand). We FaceTime'd with her this morning & she was absolutely glowing with happiness over how much her life is about to improve. On top of her announcing it, my BIL called me (3 sheets to the wind) to tell me how he basically told  our wives' brother that if he attempted any bullshit to change their mom's mind things would get very ugly for him. It was a Festivus miracle.

Edited by GhostOfTomJoad

I have to give my cousins credit, 5 hours of booze-filled conversation last night and politics only came up a couple times.  However, my cousin and her youngest daughter (21, no pics) somehow manage to work in "Covid is overblown, Omicron is no big deal, don't get the vaccine" into almost every conversation.  It's quite a gift.  

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:


Your wife has had enough to drink to maybe get frisky?

Cousin is on the lam.

Sorry to tease.  Completely uneventful.  He never showed up.

I could add a story, but I’m drunk and it’s not nearly a funny as most of these. Just want to say Merry Christmas to all the surly degenerates. Hope everyone is on this thread is rolling with the punches.

8 hours ago, Aqua Buddha said:

Cross posting here.

This is my first Christmas with weed.  (Edibles.). I’ve a slow easy high for three days now, including today.  10mg mid morning and I’m chill but functional rest of the day.  Family bullshit hasn’t mattered.

Did hot yoga this morning while high.

Unexpectedly best Christmas ever.

I was 10mg yesterday watching old football games on patio with my BIL... Then my mom came over... Didn't mess it up.

7 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

3E332979-F671-4D36-B0E5-05C8E8E1FA9D.jpeg

We rang the motherfucker... But barely.

I'm opting out of holiday 2022.

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