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Featured Replies

Fuck IHOP. Sister wanted to eat there yesterday and It was a got dam F1 race to the toilet all night at work. My bathroom is 1 floor up and 100 yards down the hall. There were a couple times I was very concerned.

12 hours ago, RPM said:

Fuck IHOP. Sister wanted to eat there yesterday and It was a got dam F1 race to the toilet all night at work. My bathroom is 1 floor up and 100 yards down the hall. There were a couple times I was very concerned.

Username should have helped you get there...

Is there a ruling on a shart that through the Lord's mercy takes place on the toilet? Took a solid shit the other day and kind of lingered, making sure I also cleared my bladder, felt a harmless seeming fart come along, and down came the brown rains.....This would have been a furniture ruiner, but on the other hand maybe I would have been more cautious if I was out in the wild. I'll never know, but I am grateful.

I've been walking the tightrope like Stevie Ray this whole week. My gut has been acting up, really hot gas and wet shit (not the runs). I don't know if I need to lay off the fiber supplement or what. Hope it's over by the weekend.

Four or five times tonight I thought that I would have material for a posting on this thread, but I am all clear. Catastrophe has been averted

  • Author

Checking in by proxy for the Doomlet, who had a shart yesterday that didn't stain his underwear, and then another one this afternoon that did. Luckily both occurred at home, not at school. 

He's been describing the phenomenon by announcing that "my past is catching up with me." 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

So I'm alone tonight.  The GF is visiting her mother.  

I'm not sure why, but whatever I ate is churning.  

 

Fuck it.  I'm going all in.  I will defiantly fart all night.  I'm giving the finger to the Gods.  "Fuck you Russian Battleship", except with my undies.  

I'll report back tomorrow morning.   Let's do this!

I'm out. Stomach bug got me. Guess I tried to fart in my sleep and I was jolted up to the feeling of a small breach. I've since been pissing out of my ass all day.

So I'm alone tonight.  The GF is visiting her mother.  
I'm not sure why, but whatever I ate is churning.  
 
Fuck it.  I'm going all in.  I will defiantly fart all night.  I'm giving the finger to the Gods.  "Fuck you Russian Battleship", except with my undies.  

I'll report back tomorrow morning.   Let's do this!

Glorious night. Blasted like a Puerto Rican at a soccer game with one of those plastic horns. Undies intact.

I was on a call this afternoon that I had to end abruptly or I would have an official post in this thread.  As it is, I must report a close call.

  • 2 weeks later...

Dammit, put me on the scoreboard.  I woke up feeling bad and couldn't make it all the way to the toilet.  It was bad, but could have been much worse.

On 3/8/2022 at 8:24 PM, Hate said:

I was on a call this afternoon that I had to end abruptly or I would have an official post in this thread.  As it is, I must report a close call.

a win is a win. 

also, you miss 100% of the sharts you don't take. 

Just now landed on a flight from Tucson to ATL. It was bumpy so we could not get out of our seats. Been needing to go for some time now. I am beginning to crown!

Hurry up and get to the gate!!

Prayers are appreciated.

Edited by mininghorn88

Can't be that bad if you can post on Surly.

4 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

Can't be that bad if you can post on Surly.

I have been told that it can be therapeutic to talk about your troubles.

I'm working from home this week and my coworker just texted this to me: "Just went in the bathroom and the mailman had his pants down, washing his ass in the sink"

So go ahead and put that mailman on the board.

Spoiler:

Spoiler

They both fix the cable.

 

  • 3 weeks later...
On 3/21/2022 at 9:59 AM, Sandman said:

I'm working from home this week and my coworker just texted this to me: "Just went in the bathroom and the mailman had his pants down, washing his ass in the sink"

So go ahead and put that mailman on the board.

Is his name Ronnie? 

  • 4 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

I’m out. Knew that milkshake was playing with fire. 

23 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Kung pao chicken on top of 6 lone star tall boys. 

We all know the story.

More like dung, pow!, amirite?

Edited by nnm

  • Author
24 minutes ago, nnm said:

More like dung dung pow, amirite?

That's my favorite Black Eyed Peas song from the unfortunate Fergie era. 

Kung pao chicken on top of 6 lone star tall boys. 
We all know the story.

I also had kung pao chicken last night. No lone stars tho, so sailing clean into the weekend.

giphy.gif
 

I knew the Senegalese box lunch sketchy beef and sausage in cream pepper sauce was a bad idea. Everyone else was eating it, so I thought I might be ok. Nope. Stood up to pee this morning and let the evening pressure out, and it was over. 

  • 2 weeks later...

wd40 has joined the chat.

I work from home.  my workspace is a recliner in the corner of the living room, at the base of the stairs up to the master bedroom.  

was  waiting for the system to finish running something and didn't want to get on some other task and fuck both up, so I leaned over and poked around on the ipad for a bit.  in this tilted position, I faced the point of decision:  should I push a bad position or...?

Spoiler

image.gif.998e2fd7fc3b423c6feec99445ff312d.gif

I jumped up  and moved quickly but carefully up the stairs, with The Right Stuff running down my legs.  stepped straight into the shower, rinsed myself, my shorts, and waffle-stomped the evidence.

fortunately:  a) I had a load of laundry about ready to go, anyway  b)  I didn't get any on the recliner c)  my daughter wasn't awake yet when it all went down.

unfortunately:  when I came downstairs, I saw there was about a 3in puddle of chunky soup on the floor, just in front of said recliner.  

image.jpeg.5d891dc3b6abb6a82b57d26860103d2a.jpeg

I got it cleaned up just before daughter came into the room.

Let's just say it's a good thing I have a few tons of organic fertilizer to spread today. 

Big plate of tortellini. I knew those rolaids were gonna do something bad. 

I thought a shart was a little poop sprayed in the boxers. Chunky soup on the floor is a full on shit yourself.

Edited by 'stache

  • 4 weeks later...

No shart, but adjacent topic. I took a hefty shit this morning and since then have wiped at least 75 times throughout the day and the paper is still brown. No matter how much I wipe, still brown. Nothing on the boxers yet that I can tell, but damn. And yes, I know of the bidet thread, but I'm not sure it would help here. I'm dealing with something quite a bit more sinister.

41 minutes ago, 'stache said:

No shart, but adjacent topic. I took a hefty shit this morning and since then have wiped at least 75 times throughout the day and the paper is still brown. No matter how much I wipe, still brown. Nothing on the boxers yet that I can tell, but damn. And yes, I know of the bidet thread, but I'm not sure it would help here. I'm dealing with something quite a bit more sinister.

Buy some dude wipes and mix in a salad.

54 minutes ago, 'stache said:

No shart, but adjacent topic. I took a hefty shit this morning and since then have wiped at least 75 times throughout the day and the paper is still brown. No matter how much I wipe, still brown. Nothing on the boxers yet that I can tell, but damn. And yes, I know of the bidet thread, but I'm not sure it would help here. I'm dealing with something quite a bit more sinister.

9E352DC8-2EF4-4014-95CE-EDD21B46B079.gif.140fb53d3ce397dca6cd083f3cfc5128.gif

I’m out. Chipotle betrayed me.

c32cb213525f701778232e778719713c.jpg

  • Author
2 hours ago, demos said:

I’m out. Chipotle betrayed me.

c32cb213525f701778232e778719713c.jpg

You're the frog and Chipotle is the scorpion. 

  • 1 month later...

Hello dark thread my old friend

I've come to post on you again

 

 

I bent over to pick up my phone charger and fired off what I had expected to be your typucal post Sunday dinner assbiscuit. Without any warning or provocation, a brown bank bag went off in my drawers.

My wife entered the bedroom as I was cowboy walking to the shitter and after 11 years of marriage and 2 kids she's grown desensitized to my farts but this foul miasma caused her to let out a "WHAT THE FUCK!?" 

Next time I order pad thai, I'll avoid "thai hot"

Or just find a toilet before even attempting to blow something out of your ass?

At this point, I rarely trust a fart.

  • 4 weeks later...

Last week I was in Silver City, NM on business.  Decided to drive to White Sands National Park on Sunday to do some hiking.  It is about a 2-1/2 hour or so drive.

Got up early Sunday and had a bit of breakfast. Before I left on the drive I took care of business.  I had no problem whatsoever until I am about 5 minutes from the Park.  As I am pulling into the parking lot at the visitor's center I am starting to crown.  By the time I get into the bathroom I have a slight breach.  Finally get on the toilet and my insides come out. Cleaned up the best that I could and went into the gift shop to have a look around. About 30 minutes later I am at the trailhead to Alkali Flat Trail.  It is a 5 mile loop trail through the dunes.  As I am about to head off I have another rumbling in my stomach. Fortunately there is a restroom at the trailhead so I spend another few minutes in there letting out what is left of nothing in my system.

Surely there is nothing left and I have come too far to abort the mission now.  Besides, my stomach does not hurt at all.

I finally get onto the trail and I am about 2 miles in when it hits again. So I turn around and clinch my butt and hike back out and drive back to the visitor's center to leave one last present before aborting the mission of hiking Alkali Flat Trail and brokenly drive back to Silver City.  As I am leaving the toilet at the park I heavily line my now stained underwear with about 20 feet of toilet paper.  By the time that I reach Las Cruces the urge has hit again. I find the first toilet that I can at a crowded convenience store.  The bathroom is a one-holer and there is not lock on the door to keep people from walking in on me.  I make an executive decision to drive to another store nearby. I make it OK bouyed by the extra toilet paper stuffed in my underwear. I leave Las Cruces and make it to the Loves Truckstop just west of town.

I pull into Loves and rush to the toilet. Get in there and realize that there is no toilet paper. Step back out of the stall and grab a roll of the rough brown paper from the hand dry dispenser.  Too bad if the toilet gets stopped up with the heavy paper.  They should have the real paper available.  I finish what is left of my business, stuff my shorts with a ton of brown paper to the point that it looks like I am wearing a diaper and fortunately make it all the way back to Silver City.

The underwear and the remaining paper end up in the trash nicely sealed up in a plastic bag.

On 8/21/2022 at 9:35 PM, Hate said:

At this point, I rarely trust a fart.

You see, sir, you have been terribly misled. “Rarely” is not a viable alternative. “Never” is the only studied and correct response. You may add “Ever” for emphasis if you want to really hammer home your point. As in “Never. Ever. trust a fart”. I believe this philosophy will serve you well. 

13 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

As I am pulling into the parking lot at the visitor's center I am starting to crown.  By the time I get into the bathroom I have a slight breach.

battle.jpg

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