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If All The Presidents Got in a Fistfight, Who Would Win?

Featured Replies

Little Jimmy Madison was like 5'4" and maybe 120 pounds soaking wet, and therefore our smallest Prez ever, so it would seem that he wouldn't fare well.  But he was so fucking smart, that he'd probably know some kind of "Vulcan D grip" thing to knock you out in 3 seconds.

I think he would probably finish higher than several presidents, maybe like Obama and William Henry Harrison.

I think if it were set up like brackets, the Final Four would be Washington, TR, Lincoln, and Truman (who was remarkably strong as a farmer, plus fast and athletic, and who also knew how to fire artillery into German lines in WWI and let's face it, dropped the big one.

Washington vs. Truman = Washington in a close one.
Lincoln vs. TR = Lincoln with that reach.

Washington vs. Lincoln - Lincoln comes out storming, but no President might have had the stamina of George, who was used to standing for long periods of time, and in times of great deprivation.  Washington withstands the early barrage and finally TKO's Lincoln in about the 23rd round, Abe just gives out.

Washington is the greatest, again.

 

Canecutter is right. As much as I admire Lincoln's body of work, Washington was the baddest motherfucker ever to hold that office.

1 hour ago, RPM said:

Sitting here thinking about it and Eisenhower may be seriously overlooked. The man was a career soldier. A trained killer. At 5'10" / 170 he was very fit and I'm sure when it came down to hand to hand he could hold his weight and then some.

Was that before or after his heart attack?

13 minutes ago, Parliament said:

Was that before or after his heart attack?

In his prime.

Looks more like Bill Nye...

1846  so 37ish

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTNjYB4W_Mfq2FzdXXZ-d3

 

TR in College

AWrY5hc9Nu7UI69bdW5WJ1f-EU5ydkcAdkIrE2i5

All I wanted was a Caravan...

How many would be able to give Vlad the severe ass kicking that he deserves?

vlad-and-the-little-boy.jpg

Image result for putin flexing

Edited by Mapache

How many would be able to give Vlad the severe ass kicking that he deserves?
vlad-and-the-little-boy.jpg
194354_v2.jpg


Polonium-free match?

Tyler Durden:
OK: any historic figure.

Narrator:
I'd fight Gandhi.

Tyler Durden:
Good answer.

Narrator:
How about you?

Tyler Durden:
Lincoln.

Narrator:
Lincoln?

Tyler Durden:
Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.

2 hours ago, Radical Larry said:

William Henry Harrison

Not if it's raining.

2 hours ago, Loco said:

TR in College

AWrY5hc9Nu7UI69bdW5WJ1f-EU5ydkcAdkIrE2i5

 

My god just look at that mean fucker.  He's barely human.  He'd beat you dead and feast on your remains.

And you know he’d fight dirty. Eye gouging, nut grabbing...maybe even a shiv. 

LBJ would make everyone uncomfortable by fighting with his dick out.
9 hours ago, Loco said:

I got Teddy Roosevelt... real american badass.  Studied Judo & jiu Jitsu

TR_San_Juan_Hill_1898.jpg

 

I see that Trumpkins are trying to equate Dotard and Teddy...  there could not be a more stark contrast of men.

Granted, the Buffalo Soldiers took the hills, and Teddy straggled up after losing most of his men...but he had a bunch of press with him, so he got the glory.    

That said, I'd take an Abe Teddy tag team against the rest of them.

15 hours ago, TriStone said:

What kinda stupid fucking question is this?  You got three dudes over 70 and two over 90, then you have Obama at 56 years old.  He'd beat those old fucks senseless.

obama_bike.jpg?w=570&crop=0,0px,100,420p

 

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2 minutes ago, RDCanecutter said:

Nixon would sneak a razor in.

Yeah, but unless Kissinger were there to tell him how to use it, it wouldn't matter.

4 minutes ago, Johnny Sack said:

obama_bike.jpg?w=570&crop=0,0px,100,420p

 

44c4f2dff88cda4e48019bf9b0ccc251.gif

How can someone who fancies himself a basketballer look so damn awkward throwing a baseball or swinging a golf club?

5 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

How can someone who fancies himself a basketballer look so damn awkward throwing a baseball or swinging a golf club?

He's much of a basketballer either. Remember he was shooting buckets at the White House and went something like 2 for 22?  LOL!

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/04/obama-basketball-video-easter-misses-air-ball.html

Edited by phdhorn

Eleanor Roosevelt would whoop everyone's ass.  And probably has the biggest dick. 

6 minutes ago, TDunk said:

Eleanor Roosevelt would whoop everyone's ass.  And probably has the biggest dick. 

Michelle Obama takes that old woman down in one round.

Marty Van B doesn't fight fair and doesn't go anywhere without his boys

n20g9e.jpg

Edited by cmontexas

2 hours ago, Gatorubet said:

Granted, the Buffalo Soldiers took the hills, and Teddy straggled up after losing most of his men...but he had a bunch of press with him, so he got the glory.    

That said, I'd take an Abe Teddy tag team against the rest of them.

Andrew Jackson is definitely hitting someone from that tag team match with a folding chair. 

Just now, Grade of D as in David said:

Andrew Jackson is definitely hitting someone from that tag team match with a folding chair. 

He was a certifiable bad ass.

2 hours ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

Michelle Obama takes that old woman down in one round.

Not fair given Eleanor's predilection for going down on women.

2 hours ago, 52-80 said:

How can someone who fancies himself a basketballer look so damn awkward throwing a baseball or swinging a golf club?

Raindrops!!!

 

20 hours ago, RPM said:

It would come down to Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt. Abe was a rail splitting mofo, so he had impressive upper body strength, form and reach. On the other hand Teddy gave zero fucks and would attack like a pitbull. Either way, I don't see it going the distance.

No love for LBJ?  He was a big dude.

I think we are underestimating Bill Clinton.  He grew up redneck and poor in Arkansas.

I bet he knows how to scrap.  Plus, he's a fairly big dude as well.

He couldn't take anyone now - except maybe GHW Bush and Trump - but in his prime I bet he could have held his own.

Bill was a band nerd who became a ladies man.  Face never kicked anyone's ass on the A-Team.

  • Author
41 minutes ago, Bama Chick said:

I think we are underestimating Bill Clinton.  He grew up redneck and poor in Arkansas.

I bet he knows how to scrap.  Plus, he's a fairly big dude as well.

He couldn't take anyone now - except maybe GHW Bush and Trump - but in his prime I bet he could have held his own.

Eh, he was a fat band kid. That deprived sexual youth propelled him to leadership of the free world and more poontang than KD Lang. 

fuck.  how the hell did I forget about John Adams.  He was a wily ol' lawyer.  I can see it now.  He would start grandstanding with some speech about why fighting would be bad and there can be a better resolution to this than getting into a fight.  Just as he is about to lull the other presidents to sleep.  He'd slap the shit out of them with a subpoena.  Then he would channel his inner Stone Cold Steve Austin and pummel you to death with his patented finishing move "The filibuster"

The top 4 are Washington, Jackson, Lincoln and TR....wild cards going to Ike and LBj.  Ultimately, I think Ol Abe would come the victor. 

19 hours ago, longhornmatt said:

A fairly large percentage of our former Presidents were war heroes.  I think they could probably take the last two golf course warriors pretty easily.

Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Andrew Jackson were all over 6’1” (very large for their eras).  I’m guessing all of them except Jefferson could scrap.  So, I’m going with those 3 and TR in the final four.

This is what i was thinking about.

Ike was a hellofa fighting man in his own right.

Maybe it is part of the legend, but I think you would absolutely have to kill Washington to defeat him.  Teddy too.

If the prize was a piece of ass, ole JFK would have had the Eye of the Tiger too...

LBJ. 

He's 6'-3" with some actual weight on him.  He once beat the fuck out of segregation and poverty.

1 hour ago, JBJ said:

LBJ. 

He's 6'-3" with some actual weight on him.  He once beat the fuck out of segregation and poverty.

giphy.gif

LBJ was big, but he wasn't much of a fighter.  He liked to bully people, but actual physical confrontations were not his style.

Edited by kevwun

Gotta go with Jackson. 

Mean as fuck, not scared of anyone or anything, and if by some miracle he started to lose he'd pull out a pistol and shoot the other guy.

On 5/28/2018 at 1:58 PM, phdhorn said:

Little Jimmy Madison was like 5'4" and maybe 120 pounds soaking wet, and therefore our smallest Prez ever, so it would seem that he wouldn't fare well.  But he was so fucking smart, that he'd probably know some kind of "Vulcan D grip" thing to knock you out in 3 seconds.

I think he would probably finish higher than several presidents, maybe like Obama and William Henry Harrison.

I think if it were set up like brackets, the Final Four would be Washington, TR, Lincoln, and Truman (who was remarkably strong as a farmer, plus fast and athletic, and who also knew how to fire artillery into German lines in WWI and let's face it, dropped the big one.

Washington vs. Truman = Washington in a close one.
Lincoln vs. TR = Lincoln with that reach.

Washington vs. Lincoln - Lincoln comes out storming, but no President might have had the stamina of George, who was used to standing for long periods of time, and in times of great deprivation.  Washington withstands the early barrage and finally TKO's Lincoln in about the 23rd round, Abe just gives out.

Washington is the greatest, again.

 

Both Washington and Lincoln were skilled wrestlers but it seems Lincoln's wrestling accomplishments were against tougher opponents. I think Washington might have benefited from wrestling with English nancy boys whereas Lincoln was demolishing frontier ruffians. Abe was also a vampire killer.

Lincoln pound for pound is the best Presidential fighter.

4 minutes ago, F250 said:

Both Washington and Lincoln were skilled wrestlers but it seems Lincoln's wrestling accomplishments were against tougher opponents. I think Washington might have benefited from wrestling with English nancy boys whereas Lincoln was demolishing frontier ruffians. Abe was also a vampire killer.

Lincoln pound for pound is the best Presidential fighter.

He was a rail splittin' son of a gun......

Lincoln with the reach advantage standing up, and a strong butterfly guard on his back.  It would be Lincoln and Washinton in the finals.  I can't discount Washington's rear naked choke and arm bar game.  Don't know who would win between those two.  

They're ALL glad Aaron Burr was ruled ineligible for this contest.

Donald Trump would kick all their asses, just ask him and he’ll tweet about it. After all he’s “The Greatest”! Ever!!!!!!

President Camacho for sure.

1 hour ago, JBJ said:

President Camacho for sure.

Nah, I got not sure

4 hours ago, LongestHorn said:

Lincoln with the reach advantage standing up, and a strong butterfly guard on his back.  It would be Lincoln and Washinton in the finals.  I can't discount Washington's rear naked choke and arm bar game.  Don't know who would win between those two.  

The spanish also thought their fleet was unstoppable. Turns out smaller and quicker has a place in fights as well. And how many speeches did Lincoln give after any assassination attempts? 

Not discounting TR.  I have him in the Final Four after beating Truman.  TR is a honeybadger.  But he is going to get cut down from leg kicks.  He gives up too much to the taller POTUS contenders.  Ford has great feet for his size, quick take down, and ground/pound game.  Lost a close decision to US Grant in the semis.  Clinton Trump undercard did not go to the judges.  Bush was DQ for pocket sand in his dad's face.  

On 5/28/2018 at 5:46 PM, RDCanecutter said:

Nixon would sneak a razor in.

Trump would whoop all in range of his cyber-insults... 

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