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Featured Replies

2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

No, mail them to an enemy. 

Most of the posters on this board probably will welcome that gift. Seems to be an odd fixation with butt stuff here. 

On 7/27/2023 at 12:29 AM, ztejas said:

I don't know. I'm a practical man. It was just a little spot splatter. 

Venmo me $15 and I'll set a pyre and burn them and post the vid here. 

Give them a viking funeral on a small paper boat! 

  • 2 weeks later...

Monday, it was a choice between Chipotle or Jack in the Box for lunch.  Needless to say, I did not survive the Kobayashi Maru.....

 

Long drive Sunday. Had an Allsup's burrito and a beer on the road.

200 miles later, less than five miles from home, it happened.

I have only myself to blame.

So I was in the yard this morning after coffee. Just watering what flowers are still alive and putzing around. I had already taken care of the bowel movement earlier and was just enjoying my early day. I farted, or so I thought, and immediately felt dampness in the buttock area. It seemed as if my rectum had coughed, or sneezed(?). Very peculiar. My drawers had a bit of shart mucus that was the consistency of phlegm. I cleaned up and continued my day. Welcome to the club now, I guess.

  • 2 weeks later...

Managed to keep it clean (so far) today, but goddamn.....whenever I eat greek food, especially if there's a good amount of tabouli and hummus.....I have had it two nights in a row, and I've been ripping ass nearly constantly for 2 days.  I mean, I'm farting so hard it wakes me up at night.  This is ridiculous.  And it's only a matter of time before a shart sneaks through (I had one cooking up yesterday morning that I ALMOST trusted....then thought better of it).

33 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Managed to keep it clean (so far) today, but goddamn.....whenever I eat greek food, especially if there's a good amount of tabouli and hummus.....I have had it two nights in a row, and I've been ripping ass nearly constantly for 2 days.  I mean, I'm farting so hard it wakes me up at night.  This is ridiculous.  And it's only a matter of time before a shart sneaks through (I had one cooking up yesterday morning that I ALMOST trusted....then thought better of it).

You should dm this post to Susanna Hoffs.

Just now, Grade of D as in David said:

You should dm this post to Susanna Hoffs.

I just record my farts and DM her the audio files.  She hasn't blocked me on Instagram yet.

See, if you rip one just right, it's musical inspiration, and Susanna is an artist:

 

On 8/29/2023 at 9:31 AM, nnm said:

 

 

Bitch needs to upgrade to charmin ultra.  Possibly with a baby wipe finish.

On 8/22/2023 at 5:49 PM, Brisketexan said:

See, if you rip one just right, it's musical inspiration, and Susanna is an artist:

 

 

I've laughed in my life.

But rarely have I laughed so much that I've shed a tear and ceased to make an audible noise.

Bravo sir.

Bravo.

 

On 8/22/2023 at 5:31 PM, Brisketexan said:

I just record my farts and DM her the audio files.  She hasn't blocked me on Instagram yet.

light one, call it your eternal flame

1 hour ago, beer said:

light one, call it your eternal flame

 

Oops

Edited by beer

^^^^Great.
Here comes you-know-who to tell us The Story again... 

Oh, like you don’t love it.
I had just turned 16….

Here I am.... month number 9..... still haven't had to throw away any underwear or clean up a mess..... I think I'm on the path to a short free year here, boys and girls

2 hours ago, Longhornstampede said:

Here I am.... month number 9..... still haven't had to throw away any underwear or clean up a mess..... I think I'm on the path to a short free year here, boys and girls

Pride cometh before the shart

On 9/8/2023 at 9:45 PM, Longhornstampede said:

Here I am.... month number 9..... still haven't had to throw away any underwear or clean up a mess..... I think I'm on the path to a short free year here, boys and girls

Never anger the shart gods

Just now, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Never anger the shart gods

I've been taunting them all year. Bring them on! 

I'm here to turn in my badge. Or apron, undies, whatever.

Got up yesterday and felt off. No desire for breakfast, which is highly unusual. Went to costco and came home, still not hungry. But immediately had the shits. Had another bout within 20 mins. Then I was hit with some horrible gut cramps, I couldn't do anything but writhe in my recliner. Went to bed at 9, no relief in sight. Cramps, bloating shitting, I got 40 mins or so of sleep every hour. Around 5am, I thought maybe I had turned a corner. Then as I was laying in bed, I decided to trust a fart. Why? We all know this is a rookie move. I'm blaming the lack of sleep. It was only a nickel or quarter sized spot in my drawers but I'm a man of integrity. 

To those of you who are still clean in 2023, God speed. 

On 9/4/2023 at 11:53 AM, nnm said:

 

 

On 9/5/2023 at 7:23 PM, nnm said:

 

So ... we have a Delta employee in the family:

---------

Wife: I can't believe I'm asking you this but Bozo* wants to know about the Diarrhea plane
Cousin: Oh my gosh do not be embarrassed. I've had like 10 people ask me about that flight via text. It was a flight coming in from Madrid and the guy actually had a major medical. He was sitting up at the front not in first class but in comfort plus, and pretty much just lost control of his bowels so he literally pooped from one into the plane to the back labs on that aircraft which are halfway in the middle of a widebody. So there was poop all in the plane which causes a biohazard issue so they had to turn around it landed.
Wife: Poor man. Okay - I think Bozo is satisfied**  with this explanation

<later>

Wife: Okay my 12 year old husband wants to know how so much poop got past his pants
Cousin: Because it was a major medical emergency. Basically poop waters. Like an enema. 
------------

*my real name
** Not even a little

On 8/11/2023 at 10:16 AM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Long drive Sunday. Had an Allsup's burrito and a beer on the road.

200 miles later, less than five miles from home, it happened.

I have only myself to blame.

"Allsup" is the commanche word for "fiery anus"

Started the day with two Ottos from Taco Deli. Reminded that “Otto” spelled inside out is “toot.” I had multiple opportunities to post a real update here, but due to the lord’s many undeserved blessings upon me, all of my many, many ass blasts remained dry.
Amen.

I haven’t reported all my misgivings.  The immunotherapy I took to battle cancer triggered in a very significant way the colitis that for years has been held at bay with the Remicade I’ve been taking.  But I had horrific diarrhea for months that actually hospitalized me.  Steroids have gotten things somewhat under control,  but my issue now is when I have to go, it goes from zero to 100mph in about 3 seconds.  It’s brutal.  Usually if I shit 3-4 times in the morning I’m good for most of the day.  But I have to really listen to the guts.  If there is even the slightest knock at the door, get to stepping to the hopper.  I’ve shat myself once at work where I just immediately left.  I’ve shat myself in the car.  I’ve shat myself going the 15 feet to the bathroom.  It’s been fun.  Not reporting any recent shit, but fessing up to numerous incidents.

1 hour ago, Sbbruin said:

I haven’t reported all my misgivings.  The immunotherapy I took to battle cancer triggered in a very significant way the colitis that for years has been held at bay with the Remicade I’ve been taking.  But I had horrific diarrhea for months that actually hospitalized me.  Steroids have gotten things somewhat under control,  but my issue now is when I have to go, it goes from zero to 100mph in about 3 seconds.  It’s brutal.  Usually if I shit 3-4 times in the morning I’m good for most of the day.  But I have to really listen to the guts.  If there is even the slightest knock at the door, get to stepping to the hopper.  I’ve shat myself once at work where I just immediately left.  I’ve shat myself in the car.  I’ve shat myself going the 15 feet to the bathroom.  It’s been fun.  Not reporting any recent shit, but fessing up to numerous incidents.

Sounds like Dr. Seuss wrote this part.

E3BFC840-3822-4EC8-AD5E-F331E35E0417.thumb.webp.196c9d505c312db7bc4fba4779025da3.webp

2 hours ago, Sbbruin said:

  I’ve shat myself once at work where I just immediately left.  I’ve shat myself in the car.  I’ve shat myself going the 15 feet to the bathroom.  

I need to get checked for cancer,  because I've done these things.

12 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

I need to get checked for cancer,  because I've done these things.

In your case, I just think you're a dirty heathen.

  • 3 weeks later...

zero incidents in 2023 but many close calls. 2022 was a bad year for me but think giving up alcohol has likely helped.

6 hours ago, wackawacka said:

zero incidents in 2023

Shart karma gonna get you. It’s only October 

  • 4 weeks later...

 

Edited by Mittens

On 10/4/2023 at 6:28 AM, Js1 said:

Shart karma gonna get you. It’s only October 

Sharma

Apparently, "Polvos" is spanish for "Brisket better high-tail it to the bano, and pronto."  Managed to hold everything back till arrival.....but it was touch and go for a while there.

6 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

Sharma

I apologize up front for this …

🎵Sharma Sharma Sharma Sharma Shameleon. 🎵

Edited by nnm

Just found this thread.

My tight group of guy friends....which is like 5 of us all in our 40s...have had numerous shart convos and 1 of these motherfuckers claims he has never sharted.

Like ever.

We call him out on his bullshit because every dude 40+ has sharted at some point.

Anyway....i don't recall sharting this year but got close like 2 days ago. I am a pro of never trusting a fart so I knew i needed to roll to the shitter asap and let it explode.

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