May 21, 20241 yr Concise, gets right to the point. A straight sharter with upper management written all over him.
June 1, 20241 yr Had. Long and frustrating day. Ended with frustrating travel (sitting on the tarmac for 45 mins waiting for a gate, and functionally no cell signal - txts to my wife got out, but none came in.I keep she had a bad day too, and then her frustration with me and my lack of communication made her even more frustrated. We had a dinner reservation. When I finally got off the plane, she messaged that she just wants to stay home, she’s not even hungry, it was such a crappy day. Are you sure? Maybe I could pick you something up? Her: no, I don’t want dinner.So, I cancel the reservation.Get home, walk in the door, she says “we can still go to dinner if you want. I was just venting.”I was able to grab a reservation just 15 mins after the original one, but goddammit.Oh, and then dinner hit me like a brick and I damn near shat myself. Spicy ramen. Full urgle gurgles. Three different times on the drive home, I had to consciously just pinch back with everything I had. A few small gas bubbles slip out, but just gas. We pull up…and I have to walk slowly, clenched, to the house. Immediately hit the guest bathroom….and desecrated it. Sour, putrid, just like my day.
June 1, 20241 yr 2 hours ago, Brisketexan said: Had. Long and frustrating day. Ended with frustrating travel (sitting on the tarmac for 45 mins waiting for a gate, and functionally no cell signal - txts to my wife got out, but none came in. I keep she had a bad day too, and then her frustration with me and my lack of communication made her even more frustrated. We had a dinner reservation. When I finally got off the plane, she messaged that she just wants to stay home, she’s not even hungry, it was such a crappy day. Are you sure? Maybe I could pick you something up? Her: no, I don’t want dinner. So, I cancel the reservation. Get home, walk in the door, she says “we can still go to dinner if you want. I was just venting.” I was able to grab a reservation just 15 mins after the original one, but goddammit. Oh, and then dinner hit me like a brick and I damn near shat myself. Spicy ramen. Full urgle gurgles. Three different times on the drive home, I had to consciously just pinch back with everything I had. A few small gas bubbles slip out, but just gas. We pull up…and I have to walk slowly, clenched, to the house. Immediately hit the guest bathroom….and desecrated it. Sour, putrid, just like my day. Welcome to old age, mi amigo. If my life were an Indian name, at this point it would be “hesitates to fart”. Cuz lord knows what might happen.
June 6, 20241 yr On 5/31/2024 at 8:40 PM, Brisketexan said: Had. Long and frustrating day. Ended with frustrating travel (sitting on the tarmac for 45 mins waiting for a gate, and functionally no cell signal - txts to my wife got out, but none came in. I keep she had a bad day too, and then her frustration with me and my lack of communication made her even more frustrated. We had a dinner reservation. When I finally got off the plane, she messaged that she just wants to stay home, she’s not even hungry, it was such a crappy day. Are you sure? Maybe I could pick you something up? Her: no, I don’t want dinner. So, I cancel the reservation. Get home, walk in the door, she says “we can still go to dinner if you want. I was just venting.” I was able to grab a reservation just 15 mins after the original one, but goddammit. Oh, and then dinner hit me like a brick and I damn near shat myself. Spicy ramen. Full urgle gurgles. Three different times on the drive home, I had to consciously just pinch back with everything I had. A few small gas bubbles slip out, but just gas. We pull up…and I have to walk slowly, clenched, to the house. Immediately hit the guest bathroom….and desecrated it. Sour, putrid, just like my day. A shit so bad you forgot how to type. Slight brain damage maybe? PTSD? Been there. Edited June 6, 20241 yr by 'stache
June 6, 20241 yr Goddammit. I have the bubble guts again, round 2 over the last week. Wake up ripping ass, safely. Then...a shift. The speed with which one can go from "one in the magazine" to "one in the chamber" is incredible. Like, faster-than-light travel is possible within my colon. One second you're gassy but safe. A millisecond later, you best pinch back, because there's a giant .50 cal round behind a hair trigger, ready to go off. Four rounds thus far today. Four. FML.
July 14, 20241 yr Maybe I've been on Surly too much this weekend. As soon as I saw this thread bumped I assumed it would be a joke about DT making a contribution yesterday. Time for a break.
July 16, 20241 yr At the office yesterday and at about 3:30 or so, I'm feeling the urge. Not a liquid attack, just that I was gonna have to shit soon. I thought "I can make it till I get home". 4:15 comes around and those thoughts were dashed. I had to speed-waddle to the bathroom and unleash a leviathan. I realized at that moment that, if I had rolled the dice on waiting till I got home, I would've shit my pants in the car. Other than times of severe illness, this is the closest I've been to having that happen.
July 29, 20241 yr Bad news: my swim trunks Good news: I was already out of the pool, and in my own backyard.
July 29, 20241 yr 1 hour ago, Gil Bang said: Bad news: my swim trunks Good news: I was already out of the pool, and in my own backyard. Obligatory
July 29, 20241 yr Which member of Surly was this? https://www.cnn.com/2024/07/29/travel/united-airlines-biohazard-diversion/index.html
July 30, 20241 yr 22 hours ago, nnm said: Obligatory There's something to be said for being able to grab the nearest garden hose to blast your asshole.
October 2, 20241 yr my 11-year-old seems to have been listening to an interesting Taylor Swift album:
October 21, 20241 yr Ate something weird last night and went “straight fucking water” about four times before work. #8 on the way home was a miss, to say the least.
November 27, 20241 yr Sharted today, but it was in the shower. Clean up was a breeze and quite enjoyable (handheld shower head). Does this count?
November 27, 20241 yr It wasn't really a shart last night at 3:30 am. More like I auto-piloted to the toilet, and regained consciousness to see that someone had hired a toothless Aggy to gum on several pounds of those Brach's sort-of-caramel chewy candies and spit them into the toilet bowl until, like an Icelandic volcano, they added new dry land to our world. Two flushes still left chunks. Crawled back up stairs like an evolving tetrapod, and lay there for about two minutes trying to will that new pressure into being a mere fart. At the last moment made it back to bathroom and blew out a normal shit. Today at work I fortified myself with fiber and strong coffee. Felt some pressure but figured I could handle 15 minutes on Interstate. BWAHAHAHAHA Wasn't even time to pull off to a gas station. The Shart hit hard and it hit fast, like my dog pouncing on and shaking a stuffed toy. I had two jobs: Shit, and Stay in my lane. I did both. The remaining miles, and incredible number of contractions, gave me time to plan my reentry into human society. I wheeled into the drive, and Lovely Wife and Adoring Puppy came out the side door to greet me. I was "Everybody Back Inside, Unlock the Back Door, and Lay Low." She knew what was up. Peeled off shoes and new socks before the ooze could creep down to them, rolled up legs of jeans really tight, wrapped up in barely damp seat-towel (I ain't no rookie) and staggered in through the back deck. Achievement Unlocked of toe-stepping drip-free into the spare shower. Lovely Wife tossed empty bucket into the shower behind me, whence I shed unbeshittened garments to safety whilst peeling off jeans and boxers into the rapidly filling bucket, having first slid my arms up to the shoulder inside the chunky jeans to turn them inside-out. While I was doing all that, I was still shitting. Just kept directing the shower head at whatever fresh hell shot out my ass. That was about an hour ago. I am clean and dry now, but still sitting on the toilet, waiting.
November 27, 20241 yr Author 35 minutes ago, Steel Shank said: Sharted today, but it was in the shower. Clean up was a breeze and quite enjoyable (handheld shower head). Does this count? Yes. 30 minutes ago, RDCanecutter said: It wasn't really a shart last night at 3:30 am. More like I auto-piloted to the toilet, and regained consciousness to see that someone had hired a toothless Aggy to gum on several pounds of those Brach's sort-of-caramel chewy candies and spit them into the toilet bowl until, like an Icelandic volcano, they added new dry land to our world. Two flushes still left chunks. Crawled back up stairs like an evolving tetrapod, and lay there for about two minutes trying to will that new pressure into being a mere fart. At the last moment made it back to bathroom and blew out a normal shit. Today at work I fortified myself with fiber and strong coffee. Felt some pressure but figured I could handle 15 minutes on Interstate. BWAHAHAHAHA Wasn't even time to pull off to a gas station. The Shart hit hard and it hit fast, like my dog pouncing on and shaking a stuffed toy. I had two jobs: Shit, and Stay in my lane. I did both. The remaining miles, and incredible number of contractions, gave me time to plan my reentry into human society. I wheeled into the drive, and Lovely Wife and Adoring Puppy came out the side door to greet me. I was "Everybody Back Inside, Unlock the Back Door, and Lay Low." She knew what was up. Peeled off shoes and new socks before the ooze could creep down to them, rolled up legs of jeans really tight, wrapped up in barely damp seat-towel (I ain't no rookie) and staggered in through the back deck. Achievement Unlocked of toe-stepping drip-free into the spare shower. Lovely Wife tossed empty bucket into the shower behind me, whence I shed unbeshittened garments to safety whilst peeling off jeans and boxers into the rapidly filling bucket, having first slid my arms up to the shoulder inside the chunky jeans to turn them inside-out. While I was doing all that, I was still shitting. Just kept directing the shower head at whatever fresh hell shot out my ass. That was about an hour ago. I am clean and dry now, but still sitting on the toilet, waiting. Nice work!
November 27, 20241 yr So this weekend, I was farting like a banshee, can't directly trace to any particular food or other substance (generally been eating a lot of salad, also putting jalapenos and Tabasco on other things, but that's SOP). I did have a few slices of frozen pizza, which is not normally on the menu these days, so maybe an excess of grease. Anyway, I had farted so much that I became cavalier about them. So I was sitting on a stool at the kitchen bar and passed another one, and there was that kind of liquid sensation that accompanies the dreaded shart. But, it was only as the fart exited my compressed butt cheeks. My impression was that the shart had occurred earlier, somehow unnoticed, but the subsequent fart alerted me to the earlier expulsion of liquid. No damage to clothing or even underpants, but had some damage control to do, nonetheless.
November 27, 20241 yr 11 hours ago, TwiceHorn said: So this weekend, I was farting like a banshee, can't directly trace to any particular food or other substance (generally been eating a lot of salad, also putting jalapenos and Tabasco on other things, but that's SOP). I did have a few slices of frozen pizza, which is not normally on the menu these days, so maybe an excess of grease. Anyway, I had farted so much that I became cavalier about them. So I was sitting on a stool at the kitchen bar and passed another one, and there was that kind of liquid sensation that accompanies the dreaded shart. But, it was only as the fart exited my compressed butt cheeks. My impression was that the shart had occurred earlier, somehow unnoticed, but the subsequent fart alerted me to the earlier expulsion of liquid. No damage to clothing or even underpants, but had some damage control to do, nonetheless. I assume you're writing this with a stool super-shart-glued to your ass?
November 28, 20241 yr Been having some belly trouble last few days. Yesterday before bed I felt a jalapeno fueled caravan heading for the border. The first wave hit with what I anticipated as a dry run. My intel was not completely accurate. After I let fly... there was a lingering. Did the clenched cheeks mambo to the toilet and let the games begin. The loser was my septic system and half a roll of Charmin Extra.
November 28, 20241 yr 2 hours ago, RPM said: half a roll of Charmin Extra Bidet thread is that way—-> Should be required for any home on septic.
November 29, 20241 yr 7 hours ago, nnm said: Bidet thread is that way—-> Should be required for any home on septic. I mean, if we're gonna talk Sharts in France, I have a story, but it's from 2002 so doesn't belong in this thread.
December 12, 20241 yr I’ve been absent for a long time but I’m making a helluva comeback. I’ve been pissing out of my ass for over 24 hours…on a work trip. I fouled almost every pair of underwear I brought not to mention every hotel towel. I left housekeeping a $20 tip and a note apologizing. I hope this tops me off through 2025 at least.
December 29, 2024Dec 29 2 hours ago, ROFL BOX said: C-Diff ain't no joke. +2 months in hospital has proven this. 2 months in the hospital with C Diff? Holy shit indeed. Are you out of the woods?
December 30, 2024Dec 30 Today Mrs. Canecutter and I took a drive and dropped by a friend's Yoga/Jewelry/kinda shop where she lets me sell my cartoons, or at least the ones that don't include cussin/drankin/smokin/fightin type things. Every couple of months it's worth a run out there to restock and harvest a little paycheck. This time, we're talking, and BAM I take a gut check. "Sorry, I gotta hit the bathroom, like, now." Storeowner is from South America and she knows exactly what's up, points me down the hall. Men's room is locked. One stall women's room. So I identify with my X chromosome and leap inside. What follows next is the experience of being a Golden Corral soft-serve dispenser as a field-trip's worth of middle schoolers takes turns hanging on the lever, then start coming back for more. It's a rope. Halfway through, some dude tries to get in the bathroom. Nah. I am not moving and leaving a slug-trail of butt-goo in this carpeted building. Takes forever and uses a ton of paper. Three flushes and there's still a chunk on the back of the bowl. I have claimed this toilet for the King of Spain. I get back and the women are looking at bracelets. Much ribaldry. I start to talk, pivot, and sprint back. Fast work this time, I just blast a little consommé and done. Chunky speck is still there after fourth flush. If we had been on the road, even 5 minutes from an empty stall, woulda been baaaaad, man.
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