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JD Vance Fucked 5 couches as a hillbilly, then went on to kill the pope

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One of his neighbors at Yale said every time JD would blast "When You Wish Upon a Star" in his room they knew he was about to begin and finish a couch fuck session.

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If he holds a press conference and says he doesnt fuck couches, I'll believe him, but he better come off as sincere 

JD Vance names all his couches Eileen.

I bet J.D. likes lots of cushion for pushin' when he's making love to his couch.

This is begging for an SNL skit to really put this shit on blast.

7 minutes ago, Doc Sam Beckett said:

If he holds a press conference and says he doesnt fuck couches, I'll believe him, but he better come off as sincere 

It worked out great for Mike Piazza.

Furniture Salesman, "And folks, for just $89.95...would you like the premium upholstery warranty that covers any and all stains, spots, rips, or tears for 10 years?" 

Usha, "J.D., those things are scams.  And besides....."

Vance, "I'll take it!" 

Don’t leave him alone with the IKEA catalog

Just now, skipmcgee said:

Don’t leave him alone with the IKEA catalog

That awkward moment when your mother knocks on the door and says, "Son, I found another one of sticky catalogs while vacuuming under the sofa.  Why can't you look at Victoria's Secret like the other boys?"  

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When you see JD Vance entering your store.

 

Jim McIngvale - Wikipedia

1 minute ago, Ted Lange said:

When you see JD Vance entering your store.

 

Jim McIngvale - Wikipedia

Sorry, Mack, JD ain't in the market for a mattress

Is it true that JD Vance injected his hillbilly Santorum between the cushions of his wife's new couch?

Disgusting, but fair, if true.

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If they get Project 2025 going, he’s going to end up with an illegitimate loveseat. 

4 minutes ago, Mittens said:

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Ice Cube Movie GIF

1 minute ago, Horn Dog said:

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Hey now, let's not get hasty...

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All ye who touch yourselves stand tall in your false pride as ye condemn another man.

Yet JD did not touch himself. The couch did.

Say you really need some change, and there sits JD Vance's unsearched couch, do you or don't you?

2 minutes ago, RDCanecutter said:

Say you really need some change, and there sits JD Vance's unsearched couch, do you or don't you?

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4 minutes ago, RDCanecutter said:

All ye who touch yourselves stand tall in your false pride as ye condemn another man.

Yet JD did not touch himself. The couch did.

JD is a good Christian man.  Thus, I presume that he will promptly condemn the underage couch for acting like a jezebel temptress and leading a good man of God astray.  But then he will tell us that he prayed over it, and he has forgiven the couch for its evil, beguiling, pre-pubescent ways.  And any further mention of this unfortunate incident will clearly be an act of Satan himself to distract JD from accomplishing his godly mission here on earth.

Pretty sure I've got all of that spot-on.

OK someone tell me how we got here?  Apparently I missed the memo about the couch.

59 minutes ago, skipmcgee said:

Don’t leave him alone with the at IKEA. catalog

Fixed.

Just now, royiv said:

Fixed.

Those poor meatballs

4 minutes ago, immamac said:

This is pathetic. (not from Tony)

How fucking warped are these people's brains?

Usha, with family roots in thousands-of-years-old caste-based civilization, deeply concerned about fairness.

1 minute ago, Brisketexan said:

JD is a good Christian man.  Thus, I presume that he will promptly condemn the underage couch for acting like a jezebel temptress and leading a good man of God astray.  But then he will tell us that he prayed over it, and he has forgiven the couch for its evil, beguiling, pre-pubescent ways.  And any further mention of this unfortunate incident will clearly be an act of Satan himself to distract JD from accomplishing his godly mission here on earth.

"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy couches." Ephesians 5:3.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your couches." 1 Corinthians 6:18-20.

"Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with couches nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.

56 minutes ago, Ted Lange said:

When you see JD Vance entering your store.

 

Jim McIngvale - Wikipedia

Mac is about as MAGA as it gets, he'd let JD in after hours without blinking. 

9 minutes ago, immamac said:

This is pathetic. (not from Tony)

How fucking warped are these people's brains?

She's probably just being a good, supportive wife. So, in for the grift. 

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This thread is Sofa King great. 

11 minutes ago, DDD Dad said:

OK someone tell me how we got here?  Apparently I missed the memo about the couch.

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It's not true, allegedly.

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JD Vance: "Sweet Jesus. Let's do this."

Videographer: "But the girl isn't here yet."

JD Vance (taking off suit jacket): "Time waits for no one. Lock the door on the way out, will ya?"

 

11 minutes ago, DDD Dad said:

OK someone tell me how we got here?  Apparently I missed the memo about the couch.

Confused Tucker Carlson GIF by GIPHY News

Then they came for the couch fuckers, and by that time no one was left to speak up. 

I move for a thread title change to add "at least," because we don't know how many couches he's actually fucked.  

4 minutes ago, Hank Kingsley said:

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JD Vance: "Sweet Jesus. Let's do this."

Videographer: "But the girl isn't here yet."

JD Vance (taking off suit jacket): "Time waits for no one. Lock the door on the way out, will ya?"

 

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Honestly it’s wholesome compared to the other guy on the good Christian ticket.

I can’t photoshop but I’m surprised this hasn’t made the rounds with JDs face. Maybe it has, I googled, but maybe it’s outside the algorithm, lol.  
 

 

Edited by 'stache

As an aside, just how much eye make-up does JD wear?

Gotta admit, the 80's Club kid Dixon is a bit jealous.

I withhold judgement until we know how old the couch was that he fornicated with.

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