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Featured Replies

Senior prom.  I got drunker than I've probably been my entire life, which is saying something. A big part of the reason is that I hadn't eaten dinner because the restaurant took too long and we had to be back at the school because my date and I were on the prom court.  We went back to pick up our food but mine got dropped on the floor, so I had nothing to eat. Anyway, we're talking should-have-died-from-alcohol-poisoning-but-for-the-generations-of-my-ancestors-who-drank-their-asses-off-and-gave-me-sufficient-enzymes-to-process-the-alcohol type of drunk.  Next morning I'm still totally fucking wasted.  We had rented a house and everyone was still there in the morning.  I come out of the bedroom with just my boxers on and a giant hard-on.  This dude yells out, "Oh my God! He's got a hard-on!" Everyone saw it.

  • Popular Post

I once texted my boss instead of my wife, "I miss you boo can't wait to go home and see you"

I did not miss my boss.


 

2 hours ago, SimonBolivar said:

I once texted my boss instead of my wife, "I miss you boo can't wait to go home and see you"

I did not miss my boss.


 

I assume calling your wife “Boo” was the embarrassing part?  

18 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

I assume calling your wife “Boo” was the embarrassing part?  

It was certainly the majority of it.

20 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

There was that time I mistakenly used tanning lotion for lube. We woke up with orange colored junk.

The royal "we"?

20 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

There was that time I mistakenly used tanning lotion for lube. We woke up with orange colored junk.

Fill in the blank:

1. Four walls _______ balls.

 

1 hour ago, Native Horn said:

The royal "we"?

He and the former Rosie Palm.

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Took my dog to the vet, and the female vet tech tries to take my dog's temperature the way one does with a dog.  My dog was not having it, and starts whining and shimmying forward to avoid the intrusion.  Trying to calm him down, I soothingly say "It's OK buddy, that would agitate me, too."  Except that is not what actually came out of my mouth.  What I actually said was "It's OK buddy, that would excite me too."

I did not speak another word to the vet tech during that visit. 

Senior year in high school, we got a new head football coach. I was a returning starter.

We had a pep rally in the gym where he introduced the team one at a time as they ran on to the basketball court.

I was one of the last(or maybe the last) to get called and he fucking blanked on my name...despite us wearing our jerseys.

I was just standing there turning red. in front of the whole school.  After a few seconds that seemed like minutes, I, shaking my head and giving him the stinkeye, slowly walked over to my teammates who were all having a good laugh.

 

Fuck that guy.

 

I broke my ankle that year and missed the season aside from the last game.  He never even thought to put me in.  My teammates and another assistant coach convinced him.

I fucking hated that guy.  Fuck you coach Davis, I hope you're not resting in peace.

1 hour ago, Tylerocks said:

Senior year in high school, we got a new head football coach. I was a returning starter.

We had a pep rally in the gym where he introduced the team one at a time as they ran on to the basketball court.

I was one of the last(or maybe the last) to get called and he fucking blanked on my name...despite us wearing our jerseys.

I was just standing there turning red. in front of the whole school.  After a few seconds that seemed like minutes, I, shaking my head and giving him the stinkeye, slowly walked over to my teammates who were all having a good laugh.

 

Fuck that guy.

 

I broke my ankle that year and missed the season aside from the last game.  He never even thought to put me in.  My teammates and another assistant coach convinced him.

I fucking hated that guy.  Fuck you coach Davis, I hope you're not resting in peace.

Ouch.  Coach hate burns you up son.  He doesn't even know who you are!  

On 2/25/2025 at 2:10 PM, Ghost of NMAS said:

It couldn't have really been giant now, could it?

Well, as giant as it could be.

21 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Took my dog to the vet, and the female vet tech tries to take my dog's temperature the way one does with a dog.  My dog was not having it, and starts whining and shimmying forward to avoid the intrusion.  Trying to calm him down, I soothingly say "It's OK buddy, that would agitate me, too."  Except that is not what actually came out of my mouth.  What I actually said was "It's OK buddy, that would excite me too."

I did not speak another word to the vet tech during that visit. 

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

27 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

Lame. Your dog was the 10th one to shit or piss in the lobby that week. 

That’s like saying, “I went to a gangbang and I accidentally got jizz on the sofa.”
 

On 2/24/2025 at 6:55 AM, Longboard Horn said:

So who's better? Your wife or her sister?

I fucked a smoking hot chick then a few years later married her sister.  The sister turned to stripping.  Even went by her real name on stage.

I should have married the stripper.  She was more sane than my now ex-wife.

 

2 hours ago, Sandman said:

I was in Jr High and went with my dad when he took our dog to the vet. She got her shots and had a stool sample taken, nothing out of the ordinary. But we went back in the waiting room and my little beagle took a massive shit on the floor, I guess the sample collection got the mail moving, so to speak. Then, as I'm sitting there in horror, the super hot vet tech came over and cleaned it up. And she wasn't fazed at all, she was super friendly. I wanted to dig a hole to China and jump right inside.

on vet trip a couple of summers ago my dog was sitting on my lap in the lobby and shit all over me.  there was a lady in the lobby that was kind enough to get me a lot of paper towels and get some of them wet so I could clean up a little   

  • Popular Post

Jr year of high school. Qualifying for a golf tournament. 15 was a weird hole with an elevated green that you couldn't see the surface of until you got right up on top of it. Well, I hit what looks like a decent shot but who knows. Weird green with lots of undulation. I'm the last one in the group to get to the green and where is my ball?  We look over the green we look everywhere and Ryan hauter starts going crazy telling me it's in the hole. Sure as shit there is my ball.

It was cool. I'd made a few eagles from the fairway at that point in my life but whatever. It was neat. 

Next hole is a shorter downhill par 4 I have maybe 100 yards in for my second shot and I'll be God damed if I didn't jar it. 2, 2. Eagle eagle on the card. 

So, fast forward a month or three later and we are at our end of year dinner. Coat and tie, parents, girlfriends and all that shit. Coach asks each of us to tell our favorite moment from the year. Gets to me and I say when I went 2 2 on 15 and 16 in qualifying. There is like this weird moment where everyone got quiet and then everyone lost their shit. I was like what the fuck?  I don't get it?

Well, that day on 15 Ryan fucking hauter got to the green before me and kicked my ball towards the hole because whatever. Well, it goes in. And he was like whatever... Wasn't going to change the outcome of the qualifier.  Then I actually make 2 on the next hole and they decided they couldn't tell me. So... They told everyone else. Including the coach. And they all held it for 3 months and I felt about half an inch tall and fuck every single one of them. 

Oh God damn! Speaking of vet visits.

My dog turns into a whimpering ball of jelly at the vet. I'm sitting on the floor with her when this hot ass Indian vet walks in to take butt temp, worm test, etc, and she's on the floor with me playing twister over my body to get to my dogs butthole.

Her, the vet not my dog's, ass brushed across my face several times.

Was it a strange boner? I don't think so.

Edited by MissingInAction

  • 2 weeks later...
6th grade. Pitching in little league. 2nd inning. Sister's hot friend, 3 years the elder, who I dreamt about walks from behind the home side stands sucking on a sharp as a dagger red green and yellow astro pop.
giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952cckim48op6eapo08xyvx7jyv2u784fewfm23tslk&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=v
Boner on the mound in front of everyone. Threw a wild pitch to take focus off me, turned and tucked up in my waist band. It was too late. I'd been found out. Luckily my quick thinking minimized the fallout. Wonder what happened to that girl?

She was hit by a wild pitch?
On 2/24/2025 at 12:40 AM, NWBuck said:

My dad was substitute teaching and looked up to see one of the students with their bare feet on their desk. Figured that someone was screwing with the sub and told the kid to put his shoes on and pay attention. 

No one told him about the student who lost both his arms in a tractor accident when he was 7... Dude was a FFA star, helped his parents run their own farm, and drove himself to school every day. 

Pop said he wanted to crawl under the school out of embarrassment 

image.gif.498a6d23d5a5ca0f4304c11b94614135.gif

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Ok…here goes. 
 

My sister caught me.

Im like 13 and think im the only one in the house. I forgot my sister (no pics) was home from college and living upstairs at the time. I’m watching Beverly Hills Cop III and there’s a scene with a bunch of chicks in bikinis and guns. I guess that did it for 13 year old Biff. Pre-Internet and whatnot. So I’m on the couch in the living room giving it a go and I hear from behind me “what are you doing?…oh…oh no!” and my sister runs back up the stairs. We never spoke of it again. 

Not my most embarrassing… but it was her’s. 
 

I met a Turkish chick in a New York Starbucks. I was somehow full of confidence on vacation and just walked up to this gorgeous girl and got her number. IDK how but it worked.

She’s studying acting. After chatting her up for about a month I come back to visit.

First night it’s go time. She Turkish but not religious. But Muslim shit is culturally apt. We take a shower to clean up.

Now I’m going to show off.

I go down on her. Oh and it’s cold outside btw. Heater’s on. Dry air. That’s important 

i catch a nose bleed while doing my best counterclockwise swirl.

Oh shit. I’m embarrassed I have to stop and get a tissue. 

when I stop mid cunnilingus, She pops her head up to see why the action stopped.

Oh man the look on her face when she thought the blood on my face was … well…. Hers. Any embarrassment I had was quickly overshadowed. Took a while to get her engine going again bc of it. She was white as a sheet 

Damn. That was a fun weekend. Well all except the part watching Blake Gideon drop that easy int that would have won us the game.

That 2008 Tech game is such a high and such a low of my life man. Weekend of amazing boning with an exotic hottie who was totally into me…. But that loss.

No free lunches people.

On 3/9/2025 at 7:12 PM, Biff Tannen said:

Ok…here goes. 
 

My sister caught me.

Im like 13 and think im the only one in the house. I forgot my sister (no pics) was home from college and living upstairs at the time. I’m watching Beverly Hills Cop III and there’s a scene with a bunch of chicks in bikinis and guns. I guess that did it for 13 year old Biff. Pre-Internet and whatnot. So I’m on the couch in the living room giving it a go and I hear from behind me “what are you doing?…oh…oh no!” and my sister runs back up the stairs. We never spoke of it again. 

too bad you can’t do that for a living. 

New porn channel I recently found Sis doesn't run back upstairs. 

On 3/14/2025 at 5:10 PM, Underdog said:

New porn channel I recently found Sis doesn't run back upstairs. 

Bratty Sis, Sis Loves Me, My Family Pies, or Step Siblings Caught?

spacer.png

 

  • Popular Post

I did a triathlon and beat this guy who was a pretty good athlete.  I knew him and we talked after the race and texted each other "good race" and shit like that.  I was driving home and I texted my wife a peach, eggplant and splash because I wanted to fuck when I got home.  Except that I texted the guy by mistake.  

  • Popular Post
38 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I did a triathlon and beat this guy who was a pretty good athlete.  I knew him and we talked after the race and texted each other "good race" and shit like that.  I was driving home and I texted my wife a peach, eggplant and splash because I wanted to fuck when I got home.  Except that I texted the guy by mistake.  

The most embarrassing thing about that story is when you admitted to using emojis.

40 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I did a triathlon and beat this guy who was a pretty good athlete.  I knew him and we talked after the race and texted each other "good race" and shit like that.  I was driving home and I texted my wife a peach, eggplant and splash because I wanted to fuck when I got home.  Except that I texted the guy by mistake.  

Mallrats cum brodie kevin smith cousin walter GIF on GIFER - by Yozshukora

11 minutes ago, Ghost of NMAS said:

So did he come over?

No, but he texted back, "Ok."  That's how I knew I fucked up.  I responded and told him it was meant for my wife and that I was sorry to disappoint him. We had a laugh about it. 

 

2 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

The most embarrassing thing about that story is when you admitted to using emojis.

I only use them with my wife because it's one of the few things I do that she actually finds cute/funny.

Sophomore year in college, walked into a buddy's dorm room and asked "hey, where's your tiny-ass roommate?" To which my buddy replies, "right there, sitting on his bed."

 

I think I managed to apologize through the red haze on my face, but I'm not sure. 

5 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I only use them with my wife because it's one of the few things I do that she actually finds cute/funny.

I can believe that. 

5 hours ago, capnamerca said:

Sophomore year in college, walked into a buddy's dorm room and asked "hey, where's your tiny-ass roommate?" To which my buddy replies, "right there, sitting on his bed."

 

I think I managed to apologize through the red haze on my face, but I'm not sure. 

Well, it sounds like he was a pretty tiny dude, so truth hurts?

On 2/23/2025 at 12:01 PM, RDCanecutter said:

while basically playing Twister inside the tiny space.

Navy man?

4 minutes ago, Deej said:

Navy man?

Army. So if I could think up a clever come-back, I would.

On 2/24/2025 at 8:53 PM, Longboard Horn said:

Senior of high school I fell asleep in class one day and woke up 30 minutes into the next class. God that was embarrassing. Nobody, including the teacher, bothered to wake me up. Woke up to an empty classroom. 

One of the guys in my thermodynamics class ALWAYS fell asleep. It was after lunch so I understood. Midway through a lecture, the professor stopped and whispered to the rest of us pack up quietly and go. The guy woke up and everyone burst out laughing.


 

I was on the receiving end of something similar. It was CE306 Statics and Dynamics in one of the giant rooms in Welch Hall. I usually sat in the first 5 rows and would fall asleep halfway through each lecture.

One day, the professor asked my friend to wake me up and asked (in his heavy Russian accent) “Why do you even come to my class? You come in, you fall asleep, do you even learn anything?” I responded that “I take notes when I’m awake.” That’s the best I could come up with at the time. Still got an A in the class, so apparently I WAS able to learn some things in my sleep.

On 3/18/2025 at 12:08 AM, Ojo Rojo said:

No, but he texted back, "Ok."  That's how I knew I fucked up.  I responded and told him it was meant for my wife and that I was sorry to disappoint him. We had a laugh about it. 

 

I only use them with my wife because it's one of the few things I do that she actually finds cute/funny.

My wife totally think it’s not funny when I text her this

👉👌👉👌👉👌

One more…

When I was in primary school, I was invited to Natalie’s 11th birthday party. She got really sick last minute, and her mom had to apologize to all the parents who came to drop of their kids.

I coulda swore she said they’d have a make up party in 2 weeks.

So even though Natalie didn’t come to school for 2 weeks, I thought I’d show up at her door, dressed in a big orange plaid shirt, Michael Jackson pants and a leather studded bracelet.

Her brother answered the door and said  “Uhhh. Natalie’s still sick. We’ll let everyone know for sure when we’re going to have the make up party.”

Good thing my dad didn’t drive away right after dropping me off, or it would be been even more awkward. 

On 2/24/2025 at 11:44 AM, nnm said:

You were wearing red pajamas.  The dude was hitting on you.  He was asking if you were going his way.  

But he probably did want to get away, want to fly away. 

  • 2 months later...

In the late '80s the Lady Longhorns had a player that was about 6'-8".  I was in one of the original buildings on the South Mall (Batts?).  When you enter those buildings there is an immediate half-flight of stairs right off the entryway.  I am coming down the steps when she walks in the doorway.  It just so happens that the step that I am on puts me about a head taller than her.  This height differential makes me believe that I am on the same plane as her.  Big mistake.  The next step I take is a normal one and I go tumbling down the staircase in front of everyone.  I land next to her and then stand up to only recognize at that point who she is and how tall she is.

17 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

In the late '80s the Lady Longhorns had a player that was about 6'-8".  I was in one of the original buildings on the South Mall (Batts?).  When you enter those buildings there is an immediate half-flight of stairs right off the entryway.  I am coming down the steps when she walks in the doorway.  It just so happens that the step that I am on puts me about a head taller than her.  This height differential makes me believe that I am on the same plane as her.  Big mistake.  The next step I take is a normal one and I go tumbling down the staircase in front of everyone.  I land next to her and then stand up to only recognize at that point who she is and how tall she is.

Ellen Bayer

6 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Didn't realize i was fucking my gf while my suite mate was in the room until after she leaves and he says, you sick fuck.

What kinky shit did you do?

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