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  • 2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

  • My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

  • I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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“Why does Superman wear his underwear over his pants?”
You ever try changing clothes in a phone booth?
  • Popular Post

My oldest has become obsessed with the Highwaymen and I couldn't be prouder. But there is just something unsettling about driving your five-year-old to daycare and suddenly hearing "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die" come from the backseat.

  • Popular Post

My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground kid stuff. My first reaction was to pull Ray Velcoro on the kids bothering her.

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But I didn't. I talked to her about how she's gonna have to put up with shit that her brother won't just because she's a girl.  How she's gonna have to be tough and smart. That she comes from a long line of fierce women . And how she needs to be a lioness and not tolerate B.S.

I hadn't heard much about anything this week so I asked her about it today.

How'd it go at recess?

Fine. No problems at all?

Good. What happened.

I went up to the boys bothering me and yelled in their face "I'm gonna be a savage this week. And if they want to try me go ahead."

So no problems?

Nope they're scared of me now. 

 

I grow more and more in love with her everyday. 

  • Popular Post

Lil Heathen Brown: “There’s no school next Friday. It’s Happy Friday.”

Me: “What’s Happy Friday?”

LHB: “Betty said it’s the day we celebrate killing Jesus.”

10 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

Lil Heathen Brown: “There’s no school next Friday. It’s Happy Friday.”

Me: “What’s Happy Friday?”

LHB: “Betty said it’s the day we celebrate killing Jesus.”

Holy shit...

On 3/24/2023 at 5:05 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

He brought home his notebook from the poetry unit. This was his effort at free verse from a few weeks ago. 

 

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My dad's a boob for the win!

On 3/24/2023 at 3:05 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

He brought home his notebook from the poetry unit. This was his effort at free verse from a few weeks ago. 

 

126638.jpeg

 

At first glance I thought he said their team was "teribate" which I want to be a real word.

 

Edited by Nuge

On 3/27/2023 at 6:14 PM, HenryJames said:

“Why does Superman wear his underwear over his pants?”

 

On 3/27/2023 at 11:55 PM, Modessit said:
On 3/27/2023 at 6:14 PM, HenryJames said:
“Why does Superman wear his underwear over his pants?”

You ever try changing clothes in a phone booth?

danielle-thomas-with-gia.jpg.2a5db07f680e6d4e4e7d70d951a3f4c0.jpg

5 hours ago, Nuge said:

At first glance I thought he said their team was "teribate" which I want to be a real word.

 

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On 4/3/2023 at 10:25 AM, Nuge said:

At first glance I thought he said their team was "teribate" which I want to be a real word.

 

I don't even know what it means but I'm pretty sure I teribated this week.  Maybe twice.

On 4/5/2023 at 9:54 AM, Chooky said:

I don't even know what it means but I'm pretty sure I teribated this week.  Maybe twice.

Shart thread…. Etc.

  • Popular Post

[Daughter naming the kids in her kindergarten class school picture]

"That's Kevin. He's a douche."

He's currently salty at us because we have definitely refused to buy him a hang glider for his birthday. 

The facts that we live in Chicago and he's turning eight years old are unpersuasive - "I could be the only eight year old who does it!" 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

My 10 and 6 year old girls walked through the kitchen tonight singing “rolling down the street sipping apple juice”. I asked my wife who taught them that. For some curious reason, she believes it was me. 

He's currently salty at us because we have definitely refused to buy him a hang glider for his birthday. 
The facts that we live in Chicago and he's turning eight years old are unpersuasive - "I could be the only eight year old who does it!" 

Give him a Home Depot gift card. At 8, he should be making his own hang glider out of a tarp and pvc pipe.
My 10 and 6 year old girls walked through the kitchen tonight singing “rolling down the street sipping apple juice”. I asked my wife who taught them that. For some curious reason, she believes it was me. 

You left out the smoking endo part
5 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

He's currently salty at us because we have definitely refused to buy him a hang glider for his birthday. 

The facts that we live in Chicago and he's turning eight years old are unpersuasive - "I could be the only eight year old who does it!" 

The Wright Bros. started that way...

3 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

The Wright Bros. started that way...

There is the Wright way and a wrong way.

5 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

The Wright Bros. started that way...

He's actually found a place in Kitty Hawk that offers hang gliding lessons to kids. We have told him that if this interest persists long-term, we will vacation there someday and he can take lessons. 

But the Outer Banks is a real pain in the ass to get to. 

On 4/15/2023 at 9:45 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

He's currently salty at us because we have definitely refused to buy him a hang glider for his birthday. 

The facts that we live in Chicago and he's turning eight years old are unpersuasive - "I could be the only eight year old who does it!" 

 

On 4/15/2023 at 10:28 PM, CooterBrown said:


Give him a Home Depot gift card. At 8, he should be making his own hang glider out of a tarp and pvc pipe.

 

On 4/16/2023 at 6:46 AM, Armybrat said:

There is the Wright way and a wrong way.

 

  • 2 weeks later...
3 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

"I wish I could turn invisible so that I could smack teachers' butts and break windows." 

Me too man, me too.

"I wish I could turn invisible so that I could smack teachers' butts and break windows." 

Don’t worry son, you’ll grow old and get married, and be invisible soon enough!

10yr old to 13yr old: “shut your pot hole”

  • Popular Post

The 13yo put this outside her door as some sort of protest against some slight. Told her I’ve never heard of the guy.

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@Prepuce of Doom The 10yo crapped her pants yesterday after the wife loaded her up with 3 days straight of miralax, so afterwards maybe the 13yo was making a statement of solidarity that I under appreciated…

On 3/27/2023 at 6:14 PM, HenryJames said:

“Why does Superman wear his underwear over his pants?”

Prevents skid marks on his underwear.

2 hours ago, 686 said:

@Prepuce of Doom The 10yo crapped her pants yesterday after the wife loaded her up with 3 days straight of miralax, so afterwards maybe the 13yo was making a statement of solidarity that I under appreciated…

Well, you can't say that was a surprise. Is your 10yo scheduled for a colonoscopy or what? Damn man...

 

My 12 year old daughter has been texting a lot with this one particular boy. I tried to draw her out, asked her is she thought he like her, and she rolled her eyes, and said "Dad, he's gay. "

I said, "oh, I didn't know."

She said, "You met him, couldn't you tell?"

"How do you tell?"

"Nevermind Boomer."

 

Well, you can't say that was a surprise. Is your 10yo scheduled for a colonoscopy or what? Damn man...

Wife read some idiotic shit on the internet that made her believe that constipation is a chronic downward spiral condition that if it isn’t aggressively treated immediately will result in the kid having a fucked up colon and being addicted to laxatives their whole life.

This event could be cross-posted in the stupid shit wives do thread.
2 hours ago, 686 said:


Wife read some idiotic shit on the internet that made her believe that constipation is a chronic downward spiral condition that if it isn’t aggressively treated immediately will result in the kid having a fucked up colon and being addicted to laxatives their whole life.

This event could be cross-posted in the stupid shit wives do thread.

Wholly shit!

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

How about shit your kid does?

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Yea, my then 16 yr old did a similar in reverse disaster.  She was at her bf’s house, in, yes, a Jeep Cherokee.  Come time to leave she puts it into reverse by mistake and climbs all the way on top of her bf’s little mini something.   His parents never got over that, thankfully.

“Batman isn’t really a super hero. He’s just a normal person with cool gadgets.”

Yea, my then 16 yr old did a similar in reverse disaster.  She was at her bf’s house, in, yes, a Jeep Cherokee.  Come time to leave she puts it into reverse by mistake and climbs all the way on top of her bf’s little mini something.   His parents never got over that, thankfully.

A friend did that at UT around ‘91. He thought it was a good idea to drive his dad’s 1 ton Dodge farm truck while his car was in the shop. He’d parallel parked near campus. He looked out the rear view mirror and didn’t see anything and threw it in reverse. He ended up on top of one of those little Honda two door cars from the 80s. Put it in drive and took off. I always wondered what that person thought when they went to their car and the roof was crushed in.
12 hours ago, CooterBrown said:


A friend did that at UT around ‘91. He thought it was a good idea to drive his dad’s 1 ton Dodge farm truck while his car was in the shop. He’d parallel parked near campus. He looked out the rear view mirror and didn’t see anything and threw it in reverse. He ended up on top of one of those little Honda two door cars from the 80s. Put it in drive and took off. I always wondered what that person thought when they went to their car and the roof was crushed in.

Bang Ding Ow

Standing in line at the post office to renew my 6 year old daughters passport “Dad what would happen if you mailed plutonium?” That definitely garnered some strange looks..

12 minutes ago, 3adays said:

Standing in line at the post office to renew my 6 year old daughters passport “Dad what would happen if you mailed plutonium?” That definitely garnered some strange looks..

"You mail pinball machine parts to the Libyans, and keep the plutonium for the Delorean, Honey."

Someone called him a "noob" while playing Roblox recently, so he purportedly told that person they 'have a fat butthole and that's why their mother doesn't like them very much.' 


Wife read some idiotic shit on the internet that made her believe that constipation is a chronic downward spiral condition that if it isn’t aggressively treated immediately will result in the kid having a fucked up colon and being addicted to laxatives their whole life.

This event could be cross-posted in the stupid shit wives do thread.

So in order to combat any future laxative addiction it’s important to introduce laxatives? My experience with beer says this may not be the smartest approach.

So in order to combat any future laxative addiction it’s important to introduce laxatives? My experience with beer says this may not be the smartest approach.

Don’t try to apply logic to this. She read it on the internet, it must be true. In prior years, she ran this all the way up the chain to a pediatric gastroenterologist (who knew that even existed), who told her to chill out and this isn’t a thing, but here we are.

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