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Featured Replies

  • 4 weeks later...
  • Replies 1.8k
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  • 2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

  • My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

  • I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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  • Popular Post

Mrs. Doom turns fifty in the not-too-distant future. I have been nagging the boy about figuring out what he wants to get her (with the understanding that I would pay for it), and the other day, he finally had it figured out. 

He wanted to get her this exact pendant:

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I told him there was no way in hell I was going to spend $700 on that, and proposed getting something visually similar but in the range of $50 or less. 

In case it needs to be said, this is not Mrs. Doom's style. At all. It would never be worn outside the house.

He got really upset with me, and was incensed that I would even suggest such a thing - "But it won't be real, Dad. It will be fake." 

So instead of agreeing to get her something he perceived as being too cheap and/or tacky, he decided that she would like a purple t-shirt that says, "this is what the mother of the world's best basketball player looks like". 

This was the closest thing we could find:

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But I secretly went ahead and ordered this for her as well.

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Edited by Prepuce of Doom

Unsolicited, unrelated to any current topic of conversation, and the first anyone had heard anything about the idea, "So when can I start buying low-quality items on Temu and then selling them to other people for higher prices?" 

"I think I discovered how to levitate. If you can lift up your friend, and he can lift you up, you just lift each other up at the same time, and.....levitation!" 

  • Popular Post

Doomlet: What does "humanitarian" mean? 

Mrs. Doom: It means to be concerned with doing nice things for people and helping others. 

Doomlet: It doesn't mean cannibalism? 

Spoiler

*he thought that the -tarian suffix meant that whatever precedes it is what makes up the bulk of a person's diet, as in "vegetarian." 

 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

  • 2 weeks later...

My parents have been staying with us over the summer. My mom has been a HUGE help around the house and making dinner. My son has been enjoying her cooking.

Me: Ah-ma is only staying with us until Friday. Do you want her to make you anything?

10 YO boy: Awww... I like her cooking.   *pause*  Actually her cooking is just passively better, but It's just better than what mommy makes, which is really bad.

 

  • 2 weeks later...

Got a frantic call to come meet him near the playground in order to remedy an emergency. 

 

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This is all because he thought he needed to bring a granola bar, water, and Band-Aids with him to go ride bikes for an hour. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

How did he get the strap on the other side of the axle? Is he a wizard?

5 minutes ago, Superhero said:

How did he get the strap on the other side of the axle? Is he a wizard?

No, he’s a kid.

41 minutes ago, Superhero said:

How did he get the strap on the other side of the axle? Is he a wizard?

I don't know any of the details other than that I eventually opted to cut the strap rather than remove his entire rear wheel. The coaster brake prevented the easiest and most obvious fix. 

But I would point out that it is important we avoid the assumption he was wearing the backpack correctly. 

  • Popular Post

He's been casually asking anyone who will listen, "so if grasshoppers live in the grass, and bedbugs live in your bed, where do cockroaches live?" 

  • 2 weeks later...

Cat jumps into 3 year-old's bed and sticks her ass in his face.

"I don't like shurr hole." (How he says she/her)

2 hours ago, hookem2010 said:

Cat jumps into 3 year-old's bed and sticks her ass in his face.

"I don't like shurr hole." (How he says she/her)

Defeated?

He and his buddies spent the afternoon crashing various block parties around the general neighborhood today (none on blocks any of them live on), and Mrs. Doom is mortified by the reasonably likely - but not certain - prospect that they were just marauding around and acting like savages. He insists that they were well-behaved. 

He and one partner in crime each won a $5 Starbucks gift card for taking 3rd place in a "throw a water balloon back and forth and take one step backwards after each throw" contest. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

On 9/13/2025 at 6:46 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

He and his buddies spent the afternoon crashing various block parties around the general neighborhood today (none on blocks any of them live on), and Mrs. Doom is mortified by the reasonably likely - but not certain - prospect that they were just marauding around and acting like savages. He insists that they were well-behaved. 

He and one partner in crime each won a $5 Starbucks gift card for taking 3rd place in a "throw a water balloon back and forth and take one step backwards after each throw" contest. 

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Not my kid, but my daughter is a 3rd grade teacher and this is one of her student's submissions today:

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Mrs. Doom dropped the boy off at the rec center to shoot hoops earlier this afternoon. Kids under 16 are allowed to be there unsupervised up until 5:30 or 6pm, at which point they're supposed to either leave or be chaperoned, but it's pretty loosely enforced. Nevertheless, she told him to call us if he was asked to leave. 

He replied that if he got hassled, he would, "just tell them I have dwarfisism [sic] and then start swearing, because older people swear a lot." 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

I asked my boy how his day went, and he said he was mad during class.

 

Me: "Why were you mad?"

Boy: "The stock market went down."

Me: "Why were you checking stocks during class?"

Boy: "Because I wanted to see how my stocks were doing. And I don't want them to go down."

 

He's 10.

 

On 6/23/2018 at 5:38 PM, Homesickhorn said:

I’m honored to say that watching the look on his face when you launched him across the pool (per his own discretion), was fan-fucking-tastic.

 

*And I still owe you a TV.

This just bought tears to my eyes.

I am 99.9% sure that when I'm dying, I'm going to think of (among other things) this thread and these dudes being little dudes.

This is my favorite internet thread of all time.

I can't wait to see Doomlet live, because there is almost no way he isn't going to be some kind of stand up comedian.

  • 2 weeks later...

8 year old grandson walks by his 5 year old brother and punches him in the stomach (maybe 50%), and the 5 year old just grunts and says " can we trade him for a dog?"

 

Doomlet has pooped three times since coming home from school, and Mrs. Doom asked him if he was feeling okay. His response was, "Yeah, I'm just feeling really laxative today." 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

My boy learned something at school today.

”Did your know chickens poop and pee at the same time?”

*raises his leg to show a dog peeing on a tree motion*

”I call that peeping”. 

This morning in the kitchen.

 

Son: We should get new place mats like the ones at *uncle's* house.

Daughter: Yeah, I like those, but let's not get orange. They're kinda ugly. We should get something like tan or khaki.

Son: Bro. Khaki just gives off old man vibes.

 

I look down at my jeans, glad that I wasn't wearing my khakis today.

Edited by Superhero

  • 2 weeks later...

So this past weekend I'm driving from Louisville to Lexington with my uncle's neighbor for the game. He's originally from DFW and I tell him about the No Kings protests going on all weekend in Dallas. Then his son, who is in 3rd grade and doesn't understand what that is, chimes in with "why is everyone boycotting Burger King?"

21 minutes ago, Longboard Horn said:

So this past weekend I'm driving from Louisville to Lexington with my uncle's neighbor for the game. He's originally from DFW and I tell him about the No Kings protests going on all weekend in Dallas. Then his son, who is in 3rd grade and doesn't understand what that is, chimes in with "why is everyone boycotting Burger King?"

Because Burger King food sucks, and...

 

The Unorthodox Way Burger King's First Mascot Came To Be

 

is a thing of nightmares.

  • 4 weeks later...

My daughter was mad at my wife this morning because my wife changed her alarm time. When I asked her why she needed so much time in the morning.

Her: Because I have to do this and that and yada yada yada… and I’m not you, I don’t wear a uniform.

Me: ???

Her: You always wear gray slacks and just a different shirt.

 

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He crawled into our bed in the middle of the night last night because he swears he was awake in bed and heard someone saying "vulture, vulture, vulture" behind him. 

I snuck into the bathroom to take a shit while my kids were eating lunch. The 3 year-old barges in with a mouthful of alfredo and says "Squeeze it out, dada."

I snuck into the bathroom to take a shit while my kids were eating lunch. The 3 year-old barges in with a mouthful of alfredo and says "Squeeze it out, dada."

Man, it’s nice when your family supports you.
  • 2 weeks later...

Lately he's been on a kick to "complete a big challenge" - sleeping outside overnight at the neighborhood park, underneath the jungle gym slide. 

I explained the concept of curfew to him, and he insisted that police wouldn't look at the park for kids out too late. I countered that the park was exactly where the police look for kids who are out too late, and tried to encourage him to instead consider spending the night hidden somewhere within the vast Cook County Forest Preserves near our house, which was more challenge than he was apparently interested in. 

When attempting to poke holes in this flight of fantasy, I asked him where he would go to the bathroom if he needed to go during his overnight adventure. "The world is my oyster," he replied. What if you get hungry? "I'll bring some Goldfish crackers. And hotdog buns." 

We discussed this undertaking throughout most of dinner, and then we watched the Illinois basketball game against UTRGV. It was a little closer than expected in the first half, so he asked Mrs. Doom if he could sleep at the park if Illinois lost. She agreed, and so he rooted against Illinois all game. 

He's still angling for this adventure today. 

He and I were kind of poking and needling each other and just being generally and intentionally obnoxious with each other - no real animus or spite behind it, at least until he inexplicably raised the stakes by pretending(?) to lock my phone by making repeated incorrect password guesses. 

Mrs. Doom had been pleading with both of us to just knock it off for a good while up until that point, so that was the immediate end to the shenanigans. 

We went on with our day, but the instant Mrs. Doom was out of earshot heading down the basement stairs ~30 minutes later, he immediately asked me, "you wanna fight? She's not here." 

My boy singing to himself in the bath just now

”my weenie’s got bubbles bubbles bubbles

my weenie’s got troubles troubles troubles”

We have a lazy susan on our dining table (how asian of us).

My son spun it real quick and a glass container flew off shattering on the floor. He said he wanted to see what would happen if he did that. *dumbass*

 

He already felt bad so I didn't give him any more grief. I did however take the opportunity to teach him about centrifugal forces. I may talk about about rotational velocity during dinner tonight.

Just now, Superhero said:

We have a lazy susan on our dining table (how asian of us).

My son spun it real quick and a glass container flew off shattering on the floor. He said he wanted to see what would happen if he did that. *dumbass*

 

He already felt bad so I didn't give him any more grief. I did however take the opportunity to teach him about centrifugal forces. I may talk about about rotational velocity during dinner tonight.

Sounds like he was teaching himself about centrifugal forces.  Good for him.  Smart kid, figuring things out.

"I'm a really fast short distance runner. I think I could probably run 30 miles per hour for about 20 feet." 

"I'm a really fast short distance runner. I think I could probably run 30 miles per hour for about 20 feet." 

I maintain that Doomlet is future presidential material.
9 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:


I maintain that Doomlet is future presidential material.

No reason to insult the kid.

29 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

I maintain that Doomlet is future presidential material.

 

I get the Korean dictator 18 hole-in-ones vibe from Doomlet.

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:


I maintain that Doomlet is future presidential material.

I shit you not, he wanted to talk about career possibilities over dinner tonight. He was all about identifying the job with the most money and the least work. Options I can recall he pondered include NBA player, YouTube personality known for sitting on the couch and playing video games, grocery store worker, and unspecified musician. He doesn't play anything, but he has a very good ear like his mother and aunt and they're both skilled musicians, so I've long believed that this is where his bread may be buttered once he gets introduced to/interested in an instrument. 

Oh, and he also mused about becoming president. 

Just remember, he’ll need some reliable senior advisors to guide him in the West Wing. We stand ready to serve. And to help him pull fart pranks on visiting dignitaries.

You know, in law school, I was honored as “most likely to belch out loud at a state dinner.” Legit true thing that happened. I think we could work well together.

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Just remember, he’ll need some reliable senior advisors to guide him in the West Wing. We stand ready to serve. And to help him pull fart pranks on visiting dignitaries.

You know, in law school, I was honored as “most likely to belch out loud at a state dinner.” Legit true thing that happened. I think we could work well together.

Only if the ledge holds until the 2052 election or beyond...

7 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Only if the ledge holds until the 2052 election or beyond...

Oh....I didn't say he'd be President of the United States.  Hell, President of the Ashes might be even more entertaining for all of us.

Daughter: 'How did the guy who invented the calendar know what day it was?'

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