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Featured Replies

Nevermind - maybe not the best thing to post. 

So here is a dude having a bad day, brought to you by the letter K. 

 

20201009_162000.jpg

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

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  • Views 169.2k
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  • 2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

  • My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

  • I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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[no cr] we are watching the VP debate with 10yo daughter and she bust out laughing and yells "Her name is literally Karen?!? Oh my god" when Pence's wife got mentioned. [/no cr]

 

4 year old: What’s the word I can’t say? Why can’t I say it? It’s just God damnit.

Wife: [Eyes grow 8 sizes larger and rendered speechless]
2 year old: [with clarity never shown before]  God damnit!!

On 10/16/2020 at 1:38 PM, Dnaguy said:

4 year old: What’s the word I can’t say? Why can’t I say it? It’s just God damnit.

Wife: [Eyes grow 8 sizes larger and rendered speechless]
2 year old: [with clarity never shown before]  God damnit!!

Son of beech. Shit.

My 3yo daughter at bedtime: “dadda, I tired. I want to cuddle”

me: “ok, let’s go to the big bed and...”

her: “no dadda, I want momma. Not you. Ok? Not you. Go find momma now. Not you. You not come too. Ok? Not you.”

me: “well ok, I’ll go find mommy to cuddle you”

her.” Yes. Yes dadda. You find momma and I cuddle with momma. And you shoo. Shoo dadda, shoo. Go away.           ....I love you”


 

It’s like looking into the future when she going need my help signing a lease for an apartment.

 

Edited by Doc Reeves

9 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Is that like on of those pics where if you focus your eyes just right, jesus pops out at you?

FART

Just got called "Buttworm Jones."

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
That is not my name.

Just got called "Buttworm Jones."
Which would make him Buttworm Junior.
Just got called "Buttworm Jones."

Fantastic band name
  • Author
On 10/18/2020 at 8:43 AM, Doc Reeves said:

My 3yo daughter at bedtime: “dadda, I tired. I want to cuddle”

me: “ok, let’s go to the big bed and...”

her: “no dadda, I want momma. Not you. Ok? Not you. Go find momma now. Not you. You not come too. Ok? Not you.”

me: “well ok, I’ll go find mommy to cuddle you”

her.” Yes. Yes dadda. You find momma and I cuddle with momma. And you shoo. Shoo dadda, shoo. Go away.           ....I love you”


 

It’s like looking into the future when she going need my help signing a lease for an apartment.

 

This AM.  Roxette is now 15, Monster is 13.

She walks out the door to get down to the gate for the bus, just goes on out.

He comes over & gives me a large hug, says "I love you, Dad.  Be sure to drive safely wherever you go today."

<sigh>

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Didn't know where else to put this. But my son (7) and I always stay up late on Fridays watching movies (Mandolorian last night). Then we usually "camp out" in my office. Last couple of weeks he's been asking stuff like "What do adults do?" "What do Dads do?" stuff like that.

 


Last night, my wife was working overtime, so he and I ate and feed the baby (about a year and a half), changed her and got her to bed. During this, he goes "Is this what Mommies do?" And I said, lots of times ours does, but this is what parents do. Stuff like that recently.

 


This morning, I got up like probably alot of us do well before anyone else. No noise but me and the dogs. Just one lamp on. Grab a cup of coffee and turned on ESPN with the sound way down and started reading the news. About ten minutes later, out walks the boy. Silently, he walks over grabs a coffee cup. Looks at me. I raise an eyebrow, but I don't say anything. Puts some coffee in it and sits down and quietly watches ESPN. No words said.
Then "Dad?" Is this what men do?"
"Yeah buddy. Yes is is."

a34a92860ad1cc9ce84711385564bf68.jpg

Edited by Jameslaw121

On 10/23/2020 at 8:18 AM, ROFL BOX said:

This AM.  Roxette is now 15, Cookie Monster is 13.

She walks out the door to get down to the gate for the bus, just goes on out.

He comes over & gives me a large hug, says "I love you, Dad.  Be sure to drive safely wherever you go today."

<sigh>

Fify

My kids were trying to one up each other with bigger and bigger numbers.

Boy (5): A quadrillion five hundred billion seven hundred and sixty-eight million four hundred and thirty two.

Girl (8): A googol.

Me to boy: Say googol time a googol. He repeats.

This goes on a few times. By now I’m teaching them what a googol to the power of googol means. At this time, girl comes up with an even more ridiculously long number 

Me to boy: Say infinity.

Boy: Infinity is not a number. It’s a concept.


Despite being a tiger dad, I have never taught him that. I’m so proud and look forward to him inventing the warp drive. 

Doomlet is currently running around the house naked from the waist down, and yelling/demanding that we "have to capture the turkey." 

You and Mrs. Doom are cool parents.  My folks always make me put on pants and sit down when I do that.

You and Mrs. Doom are cool parents.  My folks always make me put on pants and sit down when I do that.
Yeah, but you're 37.
You and Mrs. Doom are cool parents.  My folks always make me put on pants and sit down when I do that.
Yeah, but you're 37.
8 hours ago, Modessit said:
On 11/1/2020 at 6:47 PM, Scheiss Meister said:
You and Mrs. Doom are cool parents.  My folks always make me put on pants and sit down when I do that.

Yeah, but you're 37.

At least.

When I asked him why he didn't eat very much of his lunch, Doomlet told me that, "the gravity was awful." 

He then instructed me to smell his farts. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

15 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

When I asked him why he didn't eat very much of his lunch, Doomlet told me that, "the gravity was awful." 

He then instructed me to smell his farts. 

I sure hope that you are raising him to use his powers for good.

22 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

I sure hope that you are raising him to use his powers for good.

TBD. 

He's since asked me, while perched naked on the toilet and through a closed bathroom door, whether Frank Black [notethe lead singer of The Pixies] is still with us. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

With us, as in alive, or in the house with you?  From what you have posted here, it could be either.

Alive anywhere. 

Many of the musicians we listen to are dead, so we talk a lot about who is and isn't "with us." 

  • 2 weeks later...

Obviously not mine but this killed me...

FB_IMG_1605799426778.jpg

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Last week a buddy got his pickup stuck when he was deer hunting. My wife was busy that evening so I took the kids to help try and pull him out. Other buddy is there in his CanAm, so I put kids in that and pull it up a hill a ways so they’re out of any potential harms way while we to go yanking on the stuck truck. We try for a few minutes before we decide it ain’t coming out with the setup we’re using so we call my brother in law who lives a couple miles away to bring his tractor. It’s getting later so kids and I leave before he arrives. We get home about the same time my wife does and my 4 year old goes into his spiel about how the front end of the truck was buried bad etc and finishes it very matter of factly with “mom, I don’t know how the fuck they’re going to get that truck out of there.”


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2 hours ago, burns_312 said:

Last week a buddy got his pickup stuck when he was deer hunting. My wife was busy that evening so I took the kids to help try and pull him out. Other buddy is there in his CanAm, so I put kids in that and pull it up a hill a ways so they’re out of any potential harms way while we to go yanking on the stuck truck. We try for a few minutes before we decide it ain’t coming out with the setup we’re using so we call my brother in law who lives a couple miles away to bring his tractor. It’s getting later so kids and I leave before he arrives. We get home about the same time my wife does and my 4 year old goes into his spiel about how the front end of the truck was buried bad etc and finishes it very matter of factly with “mom, I don’t know how the fuck they’re going to get that truck out of there.”


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Fucking awesome...

“Dad, why does your surly horns profile have a mask and why is your name weird.”

I was helping him floss his teeth tonight and pulled out a prize of some sort, and when I showed it to him, he casually replied, "oh, that's just abandoned meat." 

On ‎11‎/‎19‎/‎2020 at 9:25 AM, pacman said:

Obviously not mine but this killed me...

FB_IMG_1605799426778.jpg

Gal I was dating said her 4 y/o son had the runs and called it "poop juice".

  • 2 weeks later...

Last night while at the girlfriend's house, her 8 year old starts singing "Rockin around the Christmas tree" by Brenda Lee when all of a sudden

8 year old: "then we'll eat some fuckin pie.."

GF: "Excuse me?!"

8 year old: "you know, that's what she says in the song"

GF: "No sweetie, she says pumpkin pie"

8 year old: "Oh, well fuckin pie sounds better!"

Guess who got in trouble for laughing...

Last night while at the girlfriend's house, her 8 year old starts singing "Rockin around the Christmas tree" by Brenda Lee when all of a sudden
8 year old: "then we'll eat some fuckin pie.."
GF: "Excuse me?!"
8 year old: "you know, that's what she says in the song"
GF: "No sweetie, she says pumpkin pie"
8 year old: "Oh, well fuckin pie sounds better!"
Guess who got in trouble for laughing...

Perfect opportunity to tell that crotch goblin that you’re gonna eat some pie later while winking at the mom.

Since we’re getting close to Christmas wife asked the 4yo (girl) if she’s been naughty or nice.

4yo: i’ve been nice today.

"It's ok if I get coal for Christmas, cause I will just give it to Dad and he will cook something with it"

 

I love that little asshole. 

Didn't know where else to put this. But my son (7) and I always stay up late on Fridays watching movies (Mandolorian last night). Then we usually "camp out" in my office. Last couple of weeks he's been asking stuff like "What do adults do?" "What do Dads do?" stuff like that.
 

Last night, my wife was working overtime, so he and I ate and feed the baby (about a year and a half), changed her and got her to bed. During this, he goes "Is this what Mommies do?" And I said, lots of times ours does, but this is what parents do. Stuff like that recently.
 

This morning, I got up like probably alot of us do well before anyone else. No noise but me and the dogs. Just one lamp on. Grab a cup of coffee and turned on ESPN with the sound way down and started reading the news. About ten minutes later, out walks the boy. Silently, he walks over grabs a coffee cup. Looks at me. I raise an eyebrow, but I don't say anything. Puts some coffee in it and sits down and quietly watches ESPN. No words said.
Then "Dad?" Is this what men do?"
"Yeah buddy. Yes is is."

a34a92860ad1cc9ce84711385564bf68.jpg

That’s so bad ass. My 8 yo boy does similar things. I’ve woken up a few Saturday mornings this football season and walked into the living room. Each time he was already up watching LHN with a bowl of cereal that he fixed himself. A couple of the times he’s made himself a cup of single serve coffee. He’s already a man.
13 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

Damn @Jameslaw121. Those are the special little moments that make it all worth it. \m/

 

Your damn right. I wish I realized that more with my oldest child. 

My oldest left the Army as a sergeant  about 2 years ago. 

 

This morning I woke up with the 7 year old boy sleeping on top of me on the couch (And the dog too). My back hurts, my elbows hurt. It was pretty awesome. Of course we almost always do this Friday night. Eventually he woke up ans said "It's Saturday? Its GAME DAY!!!"

Had to tell him that UT wasn't playing today. It was a confusing conversation for him. he didn't understand why other teams were playing but not Texas. He went into my office and was playing on my computer. I also have TV in there that is pretty much only on ESPN.

He just came out and asked if the Army/Navy game was today. I said yes. (We've watched it most of the years anyway, since it's just a pretty cool game to watch)

He said we can watch that instead. Me : "Okay buddy, we'll watch it."

 

Him "Go ARMY!!!! Beat Navy!!!!"

 

 

 

 

Why does your 7yo hate Roger Staubach?

Almost 4 year old daughter this morning, “Stop saying ‘fuck’ and ‘shit.’

2 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Him "Go ARMY!!!! Beat Navy!!!!"


Now we have a problem. 😂

Just a few minutes ago my 4 yo boy: “Daddy I need to pee.” “OK buddy just go, you know what to do.”

“Daddy I need you to come with me so we can have a sword fight.”

“What?”

8 yo boy, laughing, “Yeah, I taught him that.”

I just have to laugh...

On 12/12/2020 at 8:30 AM, Jameslaw121 said:

My oldest left the Army as a sergeant  about 2 years ago. 

 

This morning I woke up with the 7 year old boy sleeping on top of me on the couch (And the dog too). My back hurts, my elbows hurt. It was pretty awesome. Of course we almost always do this Friday night. Eventually he woke up ans said "It's Saturday? Its GAME DAY!!!"

Had to tell him that UT wasn't playing today. It was a confusing conversation for him. he didn't understand why other teams were playing but not Texas. He went into my office and was playing on my computer. I also have TV in there that is pretty much only on ESPN.

He just came out and asked if the Army/Navy game was today. I said yes. (We've watched it most of the years anyway, since it's just a pretty cool game to watch)

He said we can watch that instead. Me : "Okay buddy, we'll watch it."

 

Him "Go ARMY!!!! Beat Navy!!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

you have one that's 2 years out of the army as a sergeant, and a 7 yr old? that is quite a spread.

 

3 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

you have one that's 2 years out of the army as a sergeant, and a 7 yr old? that is quite a spread.

 

That’s what mom said.... and apparently did.

On 12/12/2020 at 10:04 AM, HenryJames said:

Almost 4 year old daughter this morning, “Stop saying ‘fuck’ and ‘shit.’

Earlier this week: “Daddy, stop being a douche.”

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