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Featured Replies

37 minutes ago, Modessit said:
On 7/7/2024 at 6:46 PM, Dnaguy said:
DNAyoungest: Daddy I can’t bend over
Me: why?
DNAyoungest: I broke my butt
Me: huh?
DNAyoungest: I slipped on the grass and fell down. 
Me: I’m pretty sure you’re ok.
DNAyoungest: Dad! I broke my butt!

Let me see... OMG there's a big crack right down the middle!

Dad fail on my part there. 
Sad A Christmas Story GIF by filmeditor

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  • 2 weeks ago, watching my kid hen peck on his keyboard Me: Son, you really need to practice your typing using the home row. You'll never type fast typing with 2 fingers. Him: I try to type fa

  • My daughter (1st grade) has been having issues at recess.  She's really tender hearted and takes offense to just about everything.  When she tells me what's wrong to me it just sounds like playground

  • I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes

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Watching some stupid YouTube shit with 7 year old daughter.

Her: And that’s why pigs can’t fly. They’re afraid of heights.

Me: …

Her: Also they don’t have wings.

  • 2 weeks later...

Turned on one of the Olympic track and field relay races the other night. 

I can't remember the exact question, but the boy basically asked what the baton was, and I told him it was like an aluminum paper towel tube that the runners hand off to each other. 

His response was, "Oh, I thought they all had iron hands." 

  • 2 weeks later...

He came home from school with a "penis" drawn on his forehead. 

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He drew it himself. 

If he had done a better job, he probably would have been home earlier... 

35 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

He came home from school with a "penis" drawn on his forehead. 

20240816_154414.thumb.jpg.19082b4d5c60bfb57858900b1bbb4429.jpg

He drew it himself. 

If he had done a better job, he probably would have been home earlier... 

so…your son is a dickhead?

15 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

so…your son is a dickhead?

Aren’t we all?

6 year old: Daddy what was your favorite subject in school?

Me: I liked Science and History

6 year old: me too. I like science and history

Me: oh yeah? That’s great.

6 year old: Daddy what’s history?

8 year old from left field: It’s when daddy tells us about wars and stuff.

Edited by Dnaguy

Rather than brushing his teeth in the bathroom like a self-sufficient, capable, and competent human being, he just sauntered into the family room with a mouth full of toothpaste. 

Edit for clarity - the brush was never involved. This isn't a "wandering toothbrusher" situation, it's a "instead of brushing my teeth, I will just apply toothpaste to my teeth" situation. 

I assume that the plan (inasmuch as there was any forethought whatsoever) was to eventually swallow it, but I yelled at him soon enough that he spit it out. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

10 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Rather than brushing his teeth in the bathroom like a self-sufficient, capable, and competent human being, he just sauntered into the family room with a mouth full of toothpaste. 

That is a stupid crap thing wives do in my house. Mrs. NNM can’t stand at the sink when she brushes her teeth. She wanders around. Always. 

29 minutes ago, nnm said:

That is a stupid crap thing wives do in my house. Mrs. NNM can’t stand at the sink when she brushes her teeth. She wanders around. Always. 

Does she also consume toothpaste straight from the tube?! 

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Does she also consume toothpaste straight from the tube?! 

Why wouldn't you - saves a step.

He's off getting a haircut right now. Haircuts have been a source of significant stress and strife for all of us in the past, and this one is no different (he's been told that any bullshit means a loss of Fartnite privileges for at least a week, so hopefully he can make it through without a tantrum...) and apparently Mrs. Doom has allowed him to use her phone while waiting. 

Either that, or my wife has joined the dark side of juvenile humor, which seems unlikely. 

Screenshot_20240825_125258_Messages.thumb.jpg.f12b188d5729c3217948554502e04f4d.jpg

*edit - he apparently also sent a similar barrage of poop gifs to his maternal grandmother. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

  • Author

Am I the only one who thinks this kid has way too much of a fascination with scat?

1 hour ago, ROFL BOX said:

Am I the only one who thinks this kid has way too much of a fascination with scat?

No, you aren't. 

On 8/25/2024 at 12:57 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

He's off getting a haircut right now. Haircuts have been a source of significant stress and strife for all of us in the past, and this one is no different (he's been told that any bullshit means a loss of Fartnite privileges for at least a week, so hopefully he can make it through without a tantrum...) and apparently Mrs. Doom has allowed him to use her phone while waiting. 

 

 

 

Is that a deliberate typo or a Freudian one?

 

 

11 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Is that a deliberate typo or a Freudian one?

 

 

That's just what I call it.  He gets the base humor from my side of the family...

5 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Am I the only one who thinks this kid has way too much of a fascination with scat?

Maybe he’s preparing to take over Scheiss Meister’s job some day?

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Maybe he’s preparing to take over Scheiss Meister’s job some day?

I would be a little surprised. He seems to enjoy the theoretical and abstract aspects of potty humor more than the reality. 

For example, it's a real ordeal getting him to carry the dogpoobag while on walks. He will eventually agree to it, but he holds it by the knot in the bag with just his thumb and index finger, and he holds it off to the side of his body as much as possible, like a stereotypical cartoon character who might be saying "PEE-YOO!!!" and fanning the air in front of their nose with the other hand. 

He talks the talk, but that's about it... 

16 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Am I the only one who thinks this kid has way too much of a fascination with scat?

And what's wrong with that?  Shit funded my children's college education.

10 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Maybe he’s preparing to take over Scheiss Meister’s job some day?

He can have it.  I'm retired now.

While having dinner with some of my family last night:

4 year old nephew claims he knows how hotdogs are made and processed.

Of course me and my BIL pressed "Tell me more" and asked how they're made. 

"You really wanna know how they make hotdogs? They cut off a dead man's wiener!"  

1 hour ago, Longboard Horn said:

While having dinner with some of my family last night:

4 year old nephew claims he knows how hotdogs are made and processed.

Of course me and my BIL pressed "Tell me more" and asked how they're made. 

"You really wanna know how they make hotdogs? They cut off a dead man's wiener!"  

I hope you did nothing to convince him of anything different. 

On 8/27/2024 at 7:43 AM, Scheiss Meister said:

And what's wrong with that?  Shit funded my children's college education.

He can have it.  I'm retired now.

So...would that make you "retired", or "returd"?

1 hour ago, SHOOTER12 said:

So...would that make you "retired", or "returd"?

Little of column A, little of column B.

On 8/26/2024 at 8:58 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

I would be a little surprised. He seems to enjoy the theoretical and abstract aspects of potty humor more than the reality. 

For example, it's a real ordeal getting him to carry the dogpoobag while on walks. He will eventually agree to it, but he holds it by the knot in the bag with just his thumb and index finger, and he holds it off to the side of his body as much as possible, like a stereotypical cartoon character who might be saying "PEE-YOO!!!" and fanning the air in front of their nose with the other hand. 

He talks the talk, but that's about it... 

How else would you hold a bag of poop?

Do you hold it in your palm to feel the warmth and texture?

Yeah, I'm with doomlet on that one.  My girlfriend thought it was the funniest thing ever when I had to stifle a couple of dry heaves while putting my dog's shit in a bag when we were taking walks.

You guys sound like silly rookies too.

Unless it's a terrible messy turd or you badly botched the pickup or you bought your poobags from Temu, it stays inside the bag.

Just fucking hold it by the top of the bag, beneath the knot. Unless it's your first time cleaning up after a dog, any moron knows that you tie the knot as high as you can in order to keep as much of it sealed off inside the bag as possible. That's what always I do before I hand it to him to just carry. 

It's not a big deal, but he somehow manages to make it one at times... 

 

 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

Interesting chronology of rather bleak searches on Friday the 13th. 

(not sure if the sizing of the crop may render it illegible - let me know if so and I can try again...) 

Screenshot_20240915_101240_SecurlyHome.thumb.jpg.88d918631de27278ffaf9fe55d9bf4fd.jpg

 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

  • Author
On 9/15/2024 at 10:19 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Interesting chronology of rather bleak searches on Friday the 13th. 

(not sure if the sizing of the crop may render it illegible - let me know if so and I can try again...) 

[ Doomlet Searches ]

 

Maybe have a conversation with him about the Y2K & Mayan Calendar scares?

  • 2 weeks later...

We were playing Scrabble and I put down "CAW"

Me: That's 3+1+4 points, double word score, so 16.

Wife: Is that a real word?   🙄

Boy: Yeah, in Spanish it means poop, as in my sister is a big caw caw.

Daughter: Do they wear clothes in Bluey?

Me: No, they're dogs.

Daughter: Well it seems like they would see Bandit's weiner all the time.

Me: ...

Can you get her take on this one? 

image.png.edee2ac4387c0c919c383b7720b6b23f.png

Next level is why Goofy wears clothes and Pluto doesn't. 

On 9/29/2024 at 11:48 AM, Jerry Callo said:

Next level is why Goofy wears clothes and Pluto doesn't. 

Goofy speaks and is one of the humanized animal characters, Pluto does not speak and is Mickey Mouse's pet.  There is a hierarchy and it's speaking/clothes.  Literally learned this like last week.  Wish I could remember where and link it.  

My kid introduced a new Gen Alpha term to us yesterday.

Wife to son: “Hey, do you really want to run the 5K next month?”

Son: “Yes. Some of my friends are also running, and I want to cook them.”

Received this screenshot via text from Mrs. Doom today. 

IMG_20241010_194438.thumb.jpg.f81f369e78673ab10dcef9f63cf01c16.jpg

Perhaps I am not solely responsible for the Doomlet's scatalogical sense of humor after all? 

On 10/8/2024 at 12:14 PM, Superhero said:

My kid introduced a new Gen Alpha term to us yesterday.

Wife to son: “Hey, do you really want to run the 5K next month?”

Son: “Yes. Some of my friends are also running, and I want to cook them.”

And after the race if you ask him how he did, he will say “ I ate”.    
 

3 teenagers and the wife is a teacher.  I stay up on the lingo.  
 

 

 

On 10/29/2023 at 8:21 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

This month's crop of noteworthy school computer search terms. 

 

  • 1 month later...

Doomlet accompanied Mrs. Doom to the grocery store today, and while there, he talked her into buying him a bag of Hi-Chew candies which we haven't bought in a while. 

After tearing into the freshly opened bag (they're all individually sealed within), he confided in me that, "I forgot how good Hi-Chews are when they're ripe." 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

My 9 YO will drag his mattress into his older sister’s room on the weekends and breaks from school. They’ll talk and laugh until they finally fall asleep.

Yesterday it got too late and I told him to come sleep in my room.

He said to my wife “I don’t mind. Your bed is more comfortable. It’s like im being upgraded from premium economy to business class.

(he’s never been in business class so I don’t know how he made that connection)

This turkey allegedly is disguised as a lion, but in reality I think it has mutant tits with oversized areolas. Wife had to stifle her laugh when my daughter presented the finished product. 

IMG_2859.jpeg

Wife: How was the game?

Daughter: Daddy said f-o-u-c-k three times.

Me: (two turnovers and a punt block)

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