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Featured Replies

I consider myself a C+ dad. I make breakfast every morning, take them camping and do other fun stuff, but don't spend enough time in the evenings because I'm exhausted from work and need "me" time. When it comes to love languages, I definitely fall into the "acts of service" category. I'm a pretty decent listener when the kids are feeling down. When they fight, I'll ask them what happened even though I already got the download from my wife.

OTOH, I'm an absolute asshole at times. I have a temper and brought down the wrath of god many times in the past. But as they get older, I give them the "I'm Mad" face, a strict talking to, and the occasional "What the hell!"

 

So my kids got into a fight yesterday. My daughter said something and my son started punching her. The rule in the house is anyone who commits an act of violence must kneel on the ground for 30 minutes. I was still at work when the fight happened, so in the morning, I told him he needs to get down on his knees. He said no. Then I told him he can't go to his friend's house, and his response was "I already decided I'm going to go, so you can't tell me no!" I called him an asshole. Then the crying started, and he goes on about how I'm ALWAYS mean to him, and why can't he tell me to shut up if I (rarely) tell them to shut up. I was pretty furious, but got my bag and went to work before I had an aneurysm.

The boy is usually full of laughs and jokes, but his temper has gotten a lot worse in the past 6 months. I'm a shitty example of how not to lose my cool. Any parenting tips on how to make him behave better?

Lol, wondering if you're gonna prevail against acts of defiance by your kids.

 

Fuck that.  Ain't happening.

Choices have results.  Let's fucking go.  We ain't negotiating.  And God save them if they disrespect their mother.  That is death flying in to take them to peace compared to what they would face.

Maybe I talk big, maybe I didn't fuck around with th kids.  They ALWAYS knew what the answer was before the question was posed.  they never once thought they might have an advantage in the the situation, nor should they.

I'd start the conversation that we don't fucking fight in our family.  Hopefully they don't have an example to the contrary.

Edited by Iceman

He doesn’t eat until he kneels 30 min.  If that kneeling happens only after he passes out for starvation, so be it.  Prison rules.

  • Author

Any methods without beating their asses?

 California CPS laws and everything. 

  • Popular Post

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.
When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 
And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

Superhero should send you some money.
30 minutes ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

We were all joking and this guy came in with the right answer. Great post. 

1 minute ago, immamac said:

We were all joking and this guy came in with the right answer. Great post. 

Sorry, I promise to be drunk & unruly later this evening. 

54 minutes ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

You don’t want to measure dicks with Slorch?? 

20 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

You don’t want to measure dicks with Slorch?? 

hey, there is no one answer, for sure.

I do get a kick out of negotiating with the kids.  Someone on here will also chime in about getting them on 38 meds and then call that a solution too.

Bottom line, do whatever it takes.  Nothing wrong with asking for help, but also read the room.

My kids are 31 and 26 respectively. I'm proud of who they are and how they got there.  Probably the biggest reason for that is they have a great MOM, and I gave them plenty of examples of how to fuck up.  Being a dad is one of the greatest parts of my life, but grab a helmet, because it ain't for the faint of heart.  Sorry, i didn't check in my passive voice on the topic.

4 hours ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

On the other hand this guy won 6 NBA titles. 

image.thumb.jpeg.d479f7b210f3b8278545ac412eb79fce.jpeg

The boys in HS are going to appreciate that you got your daughter accustomed to being on her knees.

If you don't want your toes stepped on, then put your foot down.  There will be time for being friends with your kids later, right now your job is to parent them, guide them, and set solid fair and consistent examples. 

  • Popular Post
20 hours ago, freyguy said:

You're not the first tired parent.  Put your big boy pants on and be an adult.  You need to re-evaluate what this "me-time" means.  I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but it sounds selfish.  You're a parent, not a single adult.  Turn the "me" time into "we" time.  Yes, that's corny as shit, but take them out to do something to unwind.  Not sit on your phone or in front of a TV.

When the kids have an outburst, respond in a firm but calm manner.  It disarms them when they see you calm.  Blowing up only teaches them they can do it too.  Let them throw their tantrum, but in the end, they need firm rules. Make them apologize each time one hurts the other.  Reward them for good behavior, but don't rub it in. 

And if it feels uncontrollable, go seek out some therapy for all of yall.  Kids can struggle when dealing with their emotions.  And sometimes they need to be taught how to do so in a constructive manner, because it will only get worse through puberty. 

I'm going to tag onto this post as it is constructive and in a positive way.

Another couple of things to remember (and this was also mentioned) is that your children are looking to you for social behavior and while you are aware of your flaws (which is good!) as they grow into adolescence (and with a 10 year old that is closer than you think) they are VERY aware of them. Daughters and sons want attention from their fathers and these years right now are IT. Meaning as they hit the teens and begin to bond with peer groups and want more privacy for teenage thoughts and dreams, it gets more difficult to express the emotions bubbling beneath the surface in positive ways. For both of you. While my spouse was an engaged father with our children when they were little--swapping off reading aloud, bath time, etc as they got older, we had a conversation about those nearing teen years and how more than ever, this was a good time for Dad to really step up and be there as a person of character for them. Forget the patriarchal society that we live in (if I hear alpha male one more time, my rolling eyes will fall out of my head) and just going with things like 'how does one resolves disputes, how does one learn about compromising, or forgiveness, or walking away from a bad situation or when to stand one's ground.' None of these things have to be about being male, per se, but how to be a human being. How it's okay to cry, to be weak, to ask for help, to confess to feeling overwhelmed or lost or angry. How some of these can be used against one (revealing too much information to untrustworthy acquaintances) and how to navigate that in relationships--personal, professional, and just out and about in the world.

One of our children is pretty introverted. Like the OP, my spouse is quite drained after work but something that helped us was me commandeering the evening meal prep so that the two of them could take a walk. It wasn't a terribly long walk, but five to ten minutes into that walk and the words would just spill out of him. To this day, they still take a walk together whenever this (now adult) returns home and you wouldn't think such a small somewhat uncool thing would matter but it did and it does.

One thing that I can testify to is that you should hang out with them now instead of your me time. In a few years they won't want to hang out with you all the time anymore, even if you're not an asshole. We still hang out sometimes, sure, but there's nothing like those early years. When they hit middle school childhood might as well be over. The pre/teen years hit a little different. 

  • Author

Thanks guys and gals. I spoke to my wife this weekend (yes she's not mad at me anymore) and she actually gave be a B.

Part of the reason I don't spend much time with them in the evenings is because they're watching TV, and I'm not particularly interested in cartoons and other kid programs - that's something my wife does. Sometimes I'll pray with them and put them to bed, but I mainly defer to my wife for that.

I guess in my initial post, I didn't mention something of the good things I do... every morning starts with a big hug or a kiss on the head. They help me with breakfast while I help them pack lunches. I pick them up from after school activities and make it a point to talk to them instead of giving them my phone. While I don't spend enough time with them during the week, it's different on the weekends. I've taken them camping, going on bike rides, swimming, etc. This past weekend we went to Good Friday service, I spent time with my daughter while my boy was doing BJJ, went swimming Saturday afternoon, played tennis Sunday afternoon and had the boy help me with the steaks. My son is addicted to screen time, but he can be pulled away if I give him something interesting to do, e.g. He did all the prep on the steak and even did the butter basting while I helped.

Where I can improve on is my temper. I get wound up when my kids won't go to bed or push back when I ask them to clean up. Getting them away from their screens is another source of frustration. But I definitely need to improve my communication with my wife in front of the kids. Both of us can get pretty thin skinned and get mad at each other, get snarky or raise our voices at each other. Definitely not the right example in front of the kids.

Still lots of things to work on, but I guess Friday was an anomaly since they still cling to me at times, and want to spend time with me (as long as there are no screen around). Thanks again for the input. I'm not too worried about my daughter since she's a good student and has great friends (I know all of their dads), but worry about my boy who only has a few friends and thinks school, Chinese and piano classes are a big inconvenience. 

42 minutes ago, Superhero said:

 my boy who only has a few friends and thinks school, Chinese and piano classes are a big inconvenience. 

Which of those is he wrong about?  Sounds like the average Surly poster (well, he might have more friends than most of us)

Also one of the things I learned from my coonass friends  during the year I lived in Lake Chuck, if you have dem kids kneelin, might as well drop some long grain rice down there on the hardwood floor for good measure( thank God my mom never thought of that one.)

28 minutes ago, orange dream said:

Which of those is he wrong about?  Sounds like the average Surly poster (well, he might have more friends than most of us)

He’s probably smarter than us too. 

Therapy can help with temper and find root cause. Can also help you parent with a different lens. Doesn’t stop your kid from being an a hole but helps you figure you out and how to parent him better.

My girlfriend’s kids are some of the worst I’ve ever seen but it’s not really all their fault. (Minus the oldest, something is wrong with that one).  These kids 13, 11, 8 can’t make it thru a dinner without complaining, throwing a fit or playing on their phones loudly every time to where I’m just like they aren’t going anymore because they can’t behave, take them to the beach they complain non stop, I swear they would complain the whole time at Disney World.  It’s all because no one has ever actually disciplined them and parents and grandparents spoil them (example the 13 year makes mom put his pizza in and comes and yells at her to get it out for him, I’d of starved if I wasn’t making my own food by 9).  Their mom has to tell them a minimum of five times before they do anything she says and there’s no consequences for doing for anything done wrong. She has gotten better since I’ve been around and I’m like wtf non stop telling her you have to do something but it’s a long battle if they don’t drastically change things and quickly.  They complain loudly if they have to the smallest thing they don’t want to do, the boys (older ones) skip school and refuse to go pretty much once a week to play video games all day.  Real life is going to slap these kids in the face so hard when their lazy, ungrateful, undisciplined asses graduate. I’ve even offered money to send the oldest to a scared straight type summer camp because that one definitely needs something.  Mom is also pretty much like her kids though and possibly one of the laziest people I’ve ever met.  How I ended up here is my fault I know but I’m probably jumping off this train wreck soon.  

Edited by Hook1997

2 hours ago, Hook1997 said:

My girlfriend’s kids are some of the worst I’ve ever seen but it’s not really all their fault. (Minus the oldest, something is wrong with that one).  These kids 13, 11, 8 can’t make it thru a dinner without complaining, throwing a fit or playing on their phones loudly every time to where I’m just like they aren’t going anymore because they can’t behave, take them to the beach they complain non stop, I swear they would complain the whole time at Disney World.  It’s all because no one has ever actually disciplined them and parents and grandparents spoil them (example the 13 year makes mom put his pizza in and comes and yells at her to get it out for him, I’d of starved if I wasn’t making my own food by 9).  Their mom has to tell them a minimum of five times before they do anything she says and there’s no consequences for doing for anything done wrong. She has gotten better since I’ve been around and I’m like wtf non stop telling her you have to do something but it’s a long battle if they don’t drastically change things and quickly.  They complain loudly if they have to the smallest thing they don’t want to do, the boys (older ones) skip school and refuse to go pretty much once a week to play video games all day.  Real life is going to slap these kids in the face so hard when their lazy, ungrateful, undisciplined asses graduate. I’ve even offered money to send the oldest to a scared straight type summer camp because that one definitely needs something.  Mom is also pretty much like her kids though and possibly one of the laziest people I’ve ever met.  How I ended up here is my fault I know but I’m probably jumping off this train wreck soon.  

Why the fuck are you dating this woman? Real talk.

32 minutes ago, royiv said:

Why the fuck are you dating this woman? Real talk.

You don’t see those things when you first start dating, next thing you know you’re in too far and they beg you not to leave and I’m too nice and hang around way too long. She’s sweet and really does means well, just lazy and dumb. Last few months with my schedule if I stay over there I leave at 7 most days and not back until 8-9 at night. That and great boobs and sex.  

Edited by Hook1997

  • Popular Post

Yeah, you straight men have pretty low standards lol 

1 minute ago, Hook1997 said:

You don’t see those things when you first start dating, next thing you know you’re in too far and they beg you not to leave and I’m too nice and hang around way too long.  That and great boobs and sex.  

You don’t see three fuck trophies all living at home? Was she hiding them in a basement with ball gags?

1 minute ago, Js1 said:

Yeah, you straight men have pretty low standards lol 

That’s true, but even my standards aren’t low enough to deal with some other dude’s kids.

2 hours ago, Hook1997 said:

My girlfriend’s kids are some of the worst I’ve ever seen but it’s not really all their fault. (Minus the oldest, something is wrong with that one).  These kids 13, 11, 8 can’t make it thru a dinner without complaining, throwing a fit or playing on their phones loudly every time to where I’m just like they aren’t going anymore because they can’t behave, take them to the beach they complain non stop, I swear they would complain the whole time at Disney World.  It’s all because no one has ever actually disciplined them and parents and grandparents spoil them (example the 13 year makes mom put his pizza in and comes and yells at her to get it out for him, I’d of starved if I wasn’t making my own food by 9).  Their mom has to tell them a minimum of five times before they do anything she says and there’s no consequences for doing for anything done wrong. She has gotten better since I’ve been around and I’m like wtf non stop telling her you have to do something but it’s a long battle if they don’t drastically change things and quickly.  They complain loudly if they have to the smallest thing they don’t want to do, the boys (older ones) skip school and refuse to go pretty much once a week to play video games all day.  Real life is going to slap these kids in the face so hard when their lazy, ungrateful, undisciplined asses graduate. I’ve even offered money to send the oldest to a scared straight type summer camp because that one definitely needs something.  Mom is also pretty much like her kids though and possibly one of the laziest people I’ve ever met.  How I ended up here is my fault I know but I’m probably jumping off this train wreck soon.  

Should def ride it out, I mean only one way to go from here right?!?

1 hour ago, royiv said:

Why the fuck are you dating this woman? Real talk.

Shut up, dude. The longer he stays the more entertainment we might get out of it. God knows we could use it during the dog days before football starts. 

@Superhero please don't call your 10yo an asshole.  No idea what that means to him, but who else has he heard you refer to as an asshole?

5 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

but who else has he heard you refer to as an asshole?

 

Everybody here?

  • Author
1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

@Superhero please don't call your 10yo an asshole.  No idea what that means to him, but who else has he heard you refer to as an asshole?

Asshole is not a term I use much. It's "idiots" for women, and "dicks" for men.

But of course I always tell them (daughter as well) that I shouldn't use that language, and they shouldn't either. Probably not very effective, but I don't want to over-protective them either.

On 4/23/2025 at 11:30 AM, Js1 said:

Yeah, you straight men have pretty low standards lol 

not as low as my wife's were.

I'm gonna add one more bit of advice.

You both have to take a turn with being "bad cop".  If one parent is always the disciplinarian the kids will/could build a fear of that parent.  It is not fair to either parent to burdened with always handing out the punishment.  The opposite is also true; it isn't fair one parent to always be the sweet lovey goody two shoes either. 

Need to have your kids trained by a specific “dad look” with the eyes that you can give them in public or anywhere else. It’s the “stop what you’re doing” or the “shits about to get real” look. Those are similar looks with slightly different eyes, both equally terrifying to them and most kids will know, even if not trained yet. It saves you a lot of trouble and it works through the teenage years as well. You’re welcome.

Why the fuck are you dating this woman? Real talk.

Without reading any more posts in this thread, it’s because pussy is undefeated.
4 hours ago, ballrific said:

Need to have your kids trained by a specific “dad look” with the eyes that you can give them in public or anywhere else. It’s the “stop what you’re doing” or the “shits about to get real” look. Those are similar looks with slightly different eyes, both equally terrifying to them and most kids will know, even if not trained yet. It saves you a lot of trouble and it works through the teenage years as well. You’re welcome.

My dad used to softly tap his leather belt. 

On 4/25/2025 at 4:34 PM, Kennythetiger said:

My dad used to softly tap his leather belt. 

When I was about that age, my dad was 73.  He was a quiet authority figure, and my mom was management, which including handing out discipline.  So my dad and I were in a fishing boat, and he was talking to me about something that got under my skin, and I popped off to him.  And before I even had a chance to regret that decision, he tapped me on the chin with two fingers and said, "Don't ever talk to me like that again.".  I sat up straight, shut up, and apologized. 

 

He never once hit me.  He didn't have to.  He was in charge, and we all knew it.

 

My mom, on the other hand, spanked my ass on a few occasions.  I don't resent her for it.  I probably had it coming.  The last such time, I put some distance between us and negotiated to the point of her putting that elastic belt down and taking a few steps back so we could talk. :)

Edited by dcbc

On 4/23/2025 at 8:53 AM, Hook1997 said:

My girlfriend’s kids are some of the worst I’ve ever seen but it’s not really all their fault. (Minus the oldest, something is wrong with that one).  These kids 13, 11, 8 can’t make it thru a dinner without complaining, throwing a fit or playing on their phones loudly every time to where I’m just like they aren’t going anymore because they can’t behave, take them to the beach they complain non stop, I swear they would complain the whole time at Disney World.  It’s all because no one has ever actually disciplined them and parents and grandparents spoil them (example the 13 year makes mom put his pizza in and comes and yells at her to get it out for him, I’d of starved if I wasn’t making my own food by 9).  Their mom has to tell them a minimum of five times before they do anything she says and there’s no consequences for doing for anything done wrong. She has gotten better since I’ve been around and I’m like wtf non stop telling her you have to do something but it’s a long battle if they don’t drastically change things and quickly.  They complain loudly if they have to the smallest thing they don’t want to do, the boys (older ones) skip school and refuse to go pretty much once a week to play video games all day.  Real life is going to slap these kids in the face so hard when their lazy, ungrateful, undisciplined asses graduate. I’ve even offered money to send the oldest to a scared straight type summer camp because that one definitely needs something.  Mom is also pretty much like her kids though and possibly one of the laziest people I’ve ever met.  How I ended up here is my fault I know but I’m probably jumping off this train wreck soon.  

 

On 4/23/2025 at 11:28 AM, Hook1997 said:

You don’t see those things when you first start dating, next thing you know you’re in too far and they beg you not to leave and I’m too nice and hang around way too long. She’s sweet and really does means well, just lazy and dumb. Last few months with my schedule if I stay over there I leave at 7 most days and not back until 8-9 at night. That and great boobs and sex.  

The mom (gf) sounds like she needs some firm discipline before you pull the ripcord.  Also, pics don't seem to be showing up.  There are threads specifically designed for that content.

  • Author
On 4/25/2025 at 10:11 AM, ballrific said:

Need to have your kids trained by a specific “dad look” with the eyes that you can give them in public or anywhere else. It’s the “stop what you’re doing” or the “shits about to get real” look. Those are similar looks with slightly different eyes, both equally terrifying to them and most kids will know, even if not trained yet. It saves you a lot of trouble and it works through the teenage years as well. You’re welcome.

Oh yeah. That look has been perfected and the kids know to respond accordingly.

 

So the boy hasn’t blown up since my original post. I’ve been doing slightly more with him during the week and a lot more on weekends. I kinda rib him a bit “see? I’m not always mean to you”. I get a side eye look from him, but he doesn’t sass back. 

On 4/18/2025 at 8:29 PM, Superhero said:

10

 

On 4/19/2025 at 7:55 AM, Jkwellborn said:


Beat his ass.

You're Chinese. You have to ask? The ancestors weep.

I think focus needs to be made on your son’s temper. You talk about your bad temper, and how you handle it poorly, and you’re frustrated that your son is starting to have similar blowups and issues with his temper. IMO, he’s modeling right after you, and he already has your genetics. I think it would be helpful for BOTH of you to work through your temper/anger issues, and him to see you doing it, and you to try and talk him through his. 
 

“do what I say, not what I do” will only work for so long, as you’re now seeing, imo. 

Edited by SydneyCarton

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