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Do women know about shrinkage?"
"What do you mean, like laundry?"
"No..."
"Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..."
"It shrinks?"
"Like a frightened turtle."
"Why does it shrink?"
"It just does."
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

one of your guys — kip, or ned... short name — stole my twix candy bar.  

1 minute ago, Bash Riprock said:

Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone?

well, maybe we should call you...

Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around, chewing gum.

Estelle: So, I'm getting an eye job.

George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.

Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.

George: No, you're not a divorcee. Youre just separated. You're---you're

a separatee.

Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George.

George: No, you're not out there.

Estelle: I am, too!

George: You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And

if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to

electroshock me back into coherence!

  • Author
55 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around, chewing gum.

Am I crazy, or is that a lotta gum?

1 hour ago, Kel Varnsen said:

Am I crazy, or is that a lotta gum?

THAT’S A LOT OF GUM. 

Hello Margery? George Costanza. How are ya sweetheart? Listen, could you give Mr. Tomseulo a message for me? If he needs me, tell him I'M IN MY OFFICE!!

You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.

Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.

Clerk: Kramer.... [checks computer] All right...

Kramer: All righty...

Clerk: Sign right here, please. [hands over clipboard]

Kramer: [signs it] Okay. [The clerk hands him a manila envelope]. Thanks.

[opens up the envelope] Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm

not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.

Clerk: What's your name again?

Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.

Clerk: [checks computer again] Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman.

Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman.

Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

18 minutes ago, Nole-4-Life said:

You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.

Giddyup!

What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
Because it's a pizza!
 

It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
 

It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!

 No, it isn't!

Yes, it is!

1 minute ago, SimonBolivar said:

I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut butter

Step off!

 

37 minutes ago, SimonBolivar said:

oh Tony don't

So good.

 

36 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

(turns hat backwards)

out of order with the above quote, but still a great scene.  

Just beat it dude!

"I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!
It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me."

Edited by 4th&Five

41 minutes ago, 4th&Five said:
a tepid pool of my own filth.

I use that line anytime someone mentions a bath.

George: Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex.

Elaine: (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.

George: Really?

Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.

Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

david, I’m going to hell!  the worst place in the world!  with devils and those caves and the ragged clothing!  and the heat, my god the heat!  I mean, what do you think about all that?

Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that

you know me and have access to my dementia?

You see, you are in disharmony. The throat is the gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in Chinese medical terms, an invasion of heat and wind.

Edited by Biff Tannen

George:  Well who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?

Jerry:  Maybe he didn't know?

George:  Lemme see.  I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the
tickets)  Row F?!

Jerry:  Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es.

George:  How bout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them?

Jerry:  I asked.  Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian
football.

 

Always laughed at this.

JERRY: So what happened with Kramer's mother?

GEORGE: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.

JERRY: What's she like?

GEORGE: Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.

ELAINE: Ah, I'm ready what?

JERRY: What is it?

GEORGE: I uh got the first name.

ELAINE: You found out Kramer's first name?

GEORGE: That's right. You ready?

JERRY: We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it?

GEORGE: Cosmo

ELAINE: JERRY: Cosmo?

GEORGE: Cosmo

ELAINE: JERRY: Cosmo

- all laugh -

ELAINE: Cosmo, Cosmo?

Kramer enters

KRAMER: What's so funny? ... wha?

ELAINE: COSMO?

KRAMER: All right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a .. out of the bag.

J; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years.

ELAINE: It's not such a bad name.

KRAMER: Well you know all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!

@futureman thanks for telling me about the existence of such a thread. i seem to hardly ever go past the recruiting board.

1 hour ago, PHLaggie said:

@futureman thanks for telling me about the existence of such a thread. i seem to hardly ever go past the recruiting board.

And you wanna be my latex salesman.

eorge : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.

Elaine : Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

George : Good for the tuna.

( A blonde looks at George )

Elaine : Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

George : So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine : Go talk to her.

George : Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.

Jerry : Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do

something!

( He goes over to the woman )

George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

( G takes a deep breath )

George : My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Victoria : I'm Victoria. Hi.

1 hour ago, futureman said:

just cut and paste the whole script

haha

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