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Featured Replies

7 minutes ago, XYZ said:

I don’t get it.

Delete the g in the kid’s name.

  • Replies 979
  • Views 147.1k
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  • Armybrat
    Armybrat

    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black

  • Disco Strangler
    Disco Strangler

    Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild? Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secre

  • ernest_t_bass
    ernest_t_bass

    What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Bob Stoops can't take a joke.

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9 hours ago, XYZ said:

I don’t get it.

@Armybrat beat me to it. 

Edited by nnm

  • 3 weeks later...
I don’t know why, but every June 1st I feel dismayed.  
Depression thread is thataways --->

Yes, I got the joke.

  • Popular Post

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Spoiler

Christopher Walken

 

Why do melons always have church weddings?

Because they cantaloupe. 

Golf jokes and stories…🏌️‍♂️

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"Perfect, you're on"

At age 42, they meet and play golf again
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"Yeah, boy! Let's do it!"

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"OK, let's give it a try!"
AND SO IT GOES......

On 6/3/2021 at 11:16 AM, SwanderedTalent said:

the fruit in my fridge went bad

convicted of armed strobbery

Ahem

card00057_fr.jpg

  • 2 weeks later...

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler

I don't know, but it's not 23.

 

 

Edited by qwertyu1234

  • Popular Post
5 hours ago, qwertyu1234 said:

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  Hide contents

I don't know, but it's not 23.

 

 

Let’s ask the expert. 
Craig-James-SMU.jpg

  • 2 weeks later...

Did you hear about the guy who was found not guilty for masturbating in public?
 

Lucky bastard got off twice!

after sometime the husband and wife had come to referring to sex as "the laundry" to keep it clean in front of the kids.  While upstairs, he mentions, hey babe let's do a quick load of laundry?!  She replied with let me go down stairs and do such and such and I'll be right back.  So down she goes and gets distracted and then remembers and starts back up the stairs where she meets him coming down.  Hey what about that load of laundry?  He replied, well it was a small load and I did it by hand.

  • 1 month later...
On 7/3/2021 at 4:23 PM, Bevo&Pevo said:

after sometime the husband and wife had come to referring to sex as "the laundry" to keep it clean in front of the kids.  While upstairs, he mentions, hey babe let's do a quick load of laundry?!  She replied with let me go down stairs and do such and such and I'll be right back.  So down she goes and gets distracted and then remembers and starts back up the stairs where she meets him coming down.  Hey what about that load of laundry?  He replied, well it was a small load and I did it by hand.

Wasn't this the Clint Black joke on Celebrity Apprentice?

How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?








They’re so good at it.

On 9/2/2021 at 11:55 PM, SKA the boss said:

How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?

They’re so good at it.

I can’t see them in my refrigerator, either, but I can see their footprints in my butter. 

What had 4 legs and 1 arm?

Pitbull on a playground.

  • 4 weeks later...
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?








They’re so good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.




What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

How do you know when a mechanic has had sex?



One of his fingers is clean.

What do a frozen beer, a burned pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?



Some idiot who forgot to take it out in time.

  • 3 weeks later...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and says "You have a drink named Murray?"

  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Popular Post

Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild?

Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.  When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the Winter was going to be like.  Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming Winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold Winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold Winter.’

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest Winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'.

Santa goes to the proctologist and says, "doctor I think I've got a mince pie stuck up my ass." The doctor says, "Okay Mr. Claus, bend over and I'll take a look. Oh my! You do indeed have a mince pie stuck up your ass, but you're in luck cuz I've got some cream for it."

Mary kept sleeping during Sunday school. One Sunday, her teacher asked, "Mary who created the universe?" Mary didn't stir, so little Johnny who sat behind her jabbed her in the ass with a pen. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" Mary yelled. "Very good," said her teacher and Mary went back to sleep. 

Later her teacher asked her, "Mary, who is our lord and savior?" Johnny jabbed her in the ass with the pen again and Mary yelled, "JESUS CHRIST!" and then went back to sleep. 

Then her teacher asks, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after she had her 20th child?" Johnny jabbed her in the ass again. This time Mary stood up and said directly to him, "IF YOU PUT THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"

The teacher fainted. 

Today I learned that Albert Einstein was a real person.  I always thought that he was a theoretical physicist.

How much does Santa pay for parking?

 

Nothing…it’s on the house. 

What do leeches and the Eiffel Tower have in common? 

 

They're both Paris sites.

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?

An udder failure.

What do you call a second cow that doesn't give milk?

Anudder failure.

  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/31/2021 at 3:38 PM, Scheiss Meister said:

Today I learned that Albert Einstein was a real person.  I always thought that he was a theoretical physicist.

That's outstanding!

Guy is in a small Mexican town, realizes he left his watch in the hotel. 

Sees a guy sitting next to a donkey, says, "Hey, you know what time it is?"

Guy picks up the donkeys balls, squints, and says, two o'clock."

Guy runs back to his hotel and checks, and the guy was right about the time. 

Goes back out and asks him, "How did you know the time?"

Other guy says, "Okay, sit where I am. Now, pick up the donkeys balls. You see that clock on the bank building?"

How many friend zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just compliment it and get mad when it doesn't screw. 

  • 4 weeks later...

Why does it take a women longer to orgasm than a man?

 

Who cares?

1 hour ago, 956 Worldwide said:

image.jpeg.9ae65548f6e1ea60a68895cb9cfbda9d.jpeg

“Holy shit! A talking gorilla!”

Edited by WhatTheBuck

How is a woman like spaghetti? 

 

They both wiggle when you eat them.

2 hours ago, Poolflood said:

How is a woman like spaghetti? 

 

They both wiggle when you eat them.

Sometimes you can get it with red sauce? 

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